Chris’ Stay in Sodom and Gomorrah

July 10, 2009 at 4:26 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

Chris’ Stay in Sodom and Gomorrah

 

The world had flooded and all life was washed away save for the animals that Noah had saved.  And afterwards god vowed never to wipe out all life on the planet ever again.  But then came Sodom and Gomorrah, and suddenly God started having second thoughts, which to Him were checked more than Santa checks his list.  Second thoughts for God are a very bad omen indeed…

 

God:  Alright, I didn’t want to have to do this, but I feel it may just be the right time.  I’ve been hearing an awful lot of downright awful things coming from an awful place called Sodom and an equally awful place called Gomorrah.  Now, while I don’t particularly WANT to do it, I think I HAVE to do it.  So, should I annihilate these two towns?  What say you Abraham?

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, I do not believe-

 

Chris:  Hey!  Who’s this guy?  God!  I thought we had a special thing going here!

 

God:  Oh, hello Chris.  I see you’re doing well.

 

Abraham:  Hello brother Chris.  My name is Abraham, and I am a loyal follower of the Lord.  Are you also a follower?

 

Chris:  The heck?  Yeah, I’m like, the original follower.  What about the Garden if Eden, huh?  What about the flood?  Does that all mean nothing to You, God?

 

God:  Now, correct Me if I’m wrong, and I rarely am, but didn’t you mess up horribly the last few times I gave you a task to do?

 

Chris:  Uh, yes, some mistakes may have been made, but then again, aren’t You all about forgiveness?

 

God:  Yes and no.  You’re thinking about my son.  He’s a pretty good guy, but Me, I don’t let things slide as easily.

 

Chris:  You know You couldn’t have managed those things without me though!

 

God:  Oh I manage just fine all by Myself, thank you.

 

Chris:  Then how did you get to where You are today?

 

God:  Okay, so a lot happened since we last saw each other and I kinda went in a different direction for a bit with Abraham and such.  Plus there was the Tower of Babel and that was just a mess in general…

 

Chris:  C’mon!  Give me another chance!  Please?

 

Abraham:  Lord, may we allow this man to assist in your next task?  I humbly request this of You.

 

Chris:  Yeah, me, too.  Also, this guy kinda sounds like Noah.  How’s he been by the way?

 

God:  Noah is…well anyway, I’ll allow you to help out on this one for a while Chris, but only for a while.

 

Chris:  Excellent.

 

God:  Now where was I?  Oh yes, Sodom and Gomorrah.  I’m going to wipe them off the planet.

 

Chris:  Cool, cool.  I’m on board for this.

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, would you not spare these towns?  For there must be followers of Your way still within their midst.  Please, would you not spare the town if there were fifty good souls left?

 

Chris:  No, nuke the suckers.

 

God:  Okay, if there are fifty, then I’ll spare them.

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, if I may speak, what if there are only forty-five good souls in the towns?  Will You still destroy them as well?  Would You allow the towns to live if only forty-five good souls remain?

 

Chris:  Don’t push your luck there Abe.

 

God:  Huh, fine, forty-five, but no fewer.

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, what if there are only-

 

Chris:  What?  Huh?  Forty?  What if there’s only forty?  Hey, why not make it thirty, or twenty, or ten?  Huh?  Why don’t you just take all my fun away?  “Hey god, why not leave these towns alone if we can fine ten good men or some decent goats or something?”  I mean come on man.

 

God:  Ten it is.  Find ten and I shall spare the towns.

 

Chris:  Totally weak.

 

God:  Alright Abraham, go find these men already.

 

Abraham:  Oh wait, You’re actually going to check?  Never mind, these towns need to go.  Do you even know where the term “sodomy” cam from?  And “granola”?  Really sick.

 

Chris:  Agreed.  Nuke the suckers.

 

God:  Blah, whatever, Abraham, go, I don’t know, go worship me for a while.  I’ve got stuff to think about.

 

Abraham:  Yes oh Lord.

 

Chris:  And what Should I do, huh?  Lame.

 

-Time passes and Chris walks around the towns for a while before coming across someone who doesn’t seem like a slime ball.

 

Chris:  Yo, weird-lookin’ guy.  You know any decent individuals in this town?

 

Lot:  Weeeeeeeeell, let’s see.  You know Gregory McHiggins down on yonder road?

 

Chris:  I’m not familiar with him, no.

 

Lot:  That’s because I make him up.  And his wife Sheila.  Don’t exist.

 

Chris:  Then why’d you make them up?

 

Lot:  You seemed like you wanted hope, and this town has very little of that.  Folks ‘round these parts are too busy fornicating with one another to be decent at anything.  Save for fornicating.  They’re great at that.  I wouldn’t know myself, having only had sex twice with my wife, and only to make children.  And I didn’t enjoy it, no sir, not old Lot here.  Them’s wicked thoughts.

 

Chris:  So you don’t know where I could find good people?

 

Lot:  Take a look around son.  If’n you see someone who don’t have themselves lodged in someone else, chances are they’re not too wicked.  Otherwise, can’t say that I know of no one that fits your description.

 

Chris:  That’s a shame.

 

Lot:  Why?  Say, wait a minute.  You ain’t got yourself lodged in no one else there.  You must not be wicked!

 

Chris:  No I’m wicked alright.  I’m just more of a causal sinner rather than a practicing one.  You know?  I don’t really have that sort of time on my hands.

 

Lot:  Hmm, well I don’t know who you are stranger, but come home with me and we’ll see if’n we can’t find you some vittles to get you on your feet again.

 

Chris:  Mighty kind of you, and don’t mind if I do.

 

Lot:  Right this way then.  Foller me.

 

-They pass two attractive men in hot pants as they walk.

 

Sexy Dude 1:  ‘Scuse me, sir?  Have you seen any non-evil individuals in this town.  They’re all too busy having…naughty time…to talk to us.

 

Lot:  Hmm, popular topic today, isn’t it?

 

Sexy Dude 2:  We were sent on a mission from-

 

Sexy Dude 1:  Shush dude…

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Uh, we were just curious is all.

 

Chris:  Haven’t I seen you guys somewhere?

 

Sexy Dude 1:  No, I doubt it.

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Weren’t you at the company picnic last year?

 

Chris:  Yeah, the one for Heaven?

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Yeah!  Uh, I mean, we totally wouldn’t have been there though.

 

Chris:  Oh, must just be a coincidence then.

 

Lot:  Well sexy strangers, if’n you’d both like to come home here with me and my friend, uh, what’s yer name there?

 

Chris:  Chris.  That’s is my EPIC AND POWERFUL NAME.

 

Sexy Dude 2:  That’s it!

 

Sexy Dude 1:  SHUSH!

 

Sexy Dude 2:  I totally don’t know you, Chris, nor have we ever met while playing volleyball or something.

 

Sexy Dude 1:  Sir, we must humbly decline your offer to stay with you.  We have very pressing matters to attend to.

 

Lot:  Ah c’mon now.  I’ll even throw in a mighty fine foot bath while I’m at it.

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Foot bath you say?

 

-Later in Lot’s house.

 

Chris:  (Washing everyone’s feet).  I still don’t know how I got stuck doing this.

 

Lot:  Well family, let’s have a prayer for our new guests.  We have two extremely sexy men-folk staying with us-

 

Chris:  And, and?

 

Lot:  And one moderately passable boy as well.

 

Chris:  Meh, close enough.

 

Lot:  Daughters, please bring us kosher treats so that we may feed our sexy guests.

 

Daughters:  Yes papa.

 

Lot’s Wife:  Husband, may I speak with you alone?

 

Lot:  Yes wife?

 

Lot’s Wife:  Uh…I don’t think it’s such a good idea to, you know, the sexy guys around our girls and all…

 

Lot:  Oh don’t be silly woman, our daughters are pure and virtuous and all that, plus they’re engaged to nice men from town.

 

Chris:  Where are those nice men, by the way?

 

Lot:  Let’s see, what’s tonight?  Saturday?  Probably at the Sex House then.  Right down the street from the Whore House and Old Spaghetti Factory.

 

Chris:  Old Spaghetti Factory?  I love that place.

 

Lot:  Not this place.  Trust me.

 

Chris:  You sure?

 

Lot:  There ain’t spaghetti there and their ain’t tomatoe sauce on it, I’ll tell you that much.

 

Chris:  Ah.

 

Angry Mob:  HEY YO!

 

Chris:  What’s that?

 

Lot:  Sounds like an angry mob.

 

-Lot goes to the window, followed by Chris.

 

Lot:  What can I do for you folks?

 

Mayor:  Okay, so as you know Lot, I’m the mayor of this town, and as such, we want your two guests.

 

Lot:  You have business with them?

 

Mayor:  No, we just want to sex them, if that’d be okay.

 

Lot:  Sex them?  Are they really that sexy?

 

Chris:  Yeah actually.  I kinda want to do them myself, and I’m completely straight.

 

Lot:  Well sorry, but you can’t have these two guests of mine.  They are pure and thus you can’t taint them.

 

Mayor:  No deal.  We want the two guys.  And we want to do stuff that’ll make the Spaghetti Factory look like Arby’s.

 

Chris:  That doesn’t sound so-  Wait.  I wouldn’t like Arby’s, would I?

 

Lot:  Nope.  Okay town, how ‘bout this; I’ve got two beautiful virgin daughters.  You can have them instead, but please, leave my two guests alone.

 

Chris:  Are you seriously giving up your daughters to get…gomorrahed?

 

Lot:  Yes.

 

Chris:  And you see nothing wrong with this?

 

Lot:  No, absolutely not.  Why?

 

Chris:  (Flipping through the Bible).  That has got to be a misprint…

 

Mayor:  We’ve talked it over and Lot, we don’t want your daughters.  We want sex with your attractive guys for some reason.  We’re trying to outdo the other town for heinous acts.  Your two guests wouldn’t happen to be underage would they?

 

Chris:  You can’t have them!  Go f#$% yourselves!

 

Mayor:  We already did that this morning, so give us the sexy dudes.

 

Sexy Dude 1:  That’s it, I think we’ve seen enough here.  We have something to tell you all.

 

Lot:  Yes?

 

Sexy Dude 1:  We’re not really sexy dudes.

 

Chris:  Liars!

 

Sexy Dude 2:  We’re actually angels in disguise.  Behold.

 

-They transform.

 

Sexy Angel 1:  Our true forms!

 

Lot:  AH!  We are not worthy!  (He and his family fall to their knees).

 

Chris:  What?  God sent someone else to mess with this?  What is His deal?  I thought we were tight.

 

Sexy Angel 1:  Lot, God will destroy these two wicked cities.  Take your family and flee as fast as you can, but there’s one thing you must listen to.  Do not, under any circumstances, look back at the city.  You will hear crazy noises and assume things are going nuts, and they will be, but do NOT look back.

 

Chris:  What’ll happen if they look back?

 

Sexy Angel 2:  We weren’t exactly told that yet, but we assume something pretty biblically radical.

 

Lot:  Alright then family, let’s get a move on.

 

Daughter 1:  Uh, dad, did you, like, totally just try and give us up to a horny mob?

 

Lot:  I can’t be expected to remember what I’m doing all the time.  Besides, that’s in the past now, so let’s just go.

 

Chris:  You guys might want to make a move on.  The sky’s kinda getting pretty red.

 

Sexy Angel 1:  Hurry!

 

-Lot and his family flee as fast as they can.

 

Mayor:  Oh Lot, there you are.  Change you mind?

 

Lot:  Y’all take care now.

 

Chris:  How’s he gonna do it, how’s he gonna do it, how’s he gonna do it?!  OH!  I’m so excited!

 

Lot:  There’s the city limits!  Quick, over the hills and into the mountains!

 

Chris:  Here it comes…EEE!

 

-The clouds open up and God appears in all His glory.

 

God:  KAMEHAMEHA!

 

-Sodom and Gomorrah are thoroughly destroyed.

 

Chris:  Awesome!

 

Lot’s Wife:  Huh?  What’s awesome-?  (See turns around).  OH CRAP!

 

God:  Oh snaps!  Look out!

 

-Massive salting!

 

Lot:  My wife!  She’s a pillar of salt!  You’ve killed my wife!

 

Chris:  No way, I didn’t tell her to turn around.

 

Lot:  Wait, how’d you see what happened?

 

Chris:  Rear-view mirror.  I’m not technically looking back, so…  OW!  MY LEG!  What?  Salt?!  Lame!

 

God:  No technicalities!

 

Chris:  Ah come on!  I saved these few people!

 

Lot:  Well, my daughters and I are safe I suppose.  But now our tribe is dead thanks to the passing of my wife.

 

Daughter 2:  Hey dad, I think I have an idea that could fix that.

 

Chris:  Sorry, I’m taken ladies.

 

Daughter 1:  Ew, no way.  We were talking about our dad, freak.

 

Chris:  What the heck?!  That’s nasty!  (Flips through the Bible).  WHAT?!

 

Daughter 2:  Here papa, have some wine.

 

Chris:  (Flees while keeping his hands over his ears).  NONONONONO!  LALALALALA!

 

And with that, the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed and I was once again without something to do for a while.  Take solace in the fact that this is probably as messed up as the Bible gets for the most part, though I can’t completely vouch for that, either.

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Chris’ Ark

July 1, 2009 at 12:06 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

Chris’ Ark

 

After my failed encounters with Adam, Eve, Cain, and Abel, I was ready for something less packed with failure and more packed with awesome.  Or at least decently priced hats.  Eventually, God took notice, and my years of boredom paid off with…a rainstorm?  Lame!

 

Chris:  God~!  I’m booooooored~!

 

God:  Why are you bored?  Don’t you love wandering aimlessly through the world I’ve created?

 

Chris:  Yes and no.  It’s nice and all, but there’s not really much to do yet, You know?  I mean, a war here or there, maybe a plague or disease, come on, something to spice things up.

 

God:  Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something big I’ve been planning.

 

Chris:  Yeah?

 

God:  How evil would you say everyone is, you know, on average?

 

Chris:  Like, everyone in the world or just people I’ve randomly judged without ever meeting them?

 

God:  Uh, the second one.

 

Chris:  Yeah, the world’s filled with evil people.  Jerks, too.  Especially when driving, and cars haven’t even been invented yet.  But yes, pretty sure everyone’s just evil.  And ugly.  Definitely.

 

God:  Hmm, that’s what I thought.  Okay, I want you to listen closely.  Do you know a man named Noah?

 

Chris:  Old guy, kinda short, likes animals?

 

God:  Yes, that’s the one.

 

Chris:  I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know him personally, no.  He’s probably evil though.

 

God:  Nah, he’s chill.  Go talk to him.  I’ve got a task for him that I need you to oversee.

 

Chris:  Alright then.  I’ll meet You there then.

 

-Time passes as Chris looks everywhere for Noah.

 

Chris:  Hey!  You up there!  You Noah?

 

Noah:  Meh?  Who now?

 

Chris:  You the one they call Noah?

 

Noah:  Nope, not me.

 

Chris:  Don’t pull that with me!  I see your name next to your dialogue!

 

Noah:  Oh, yeah I guess I’m Noah then.

 

Chris:  Cool, God’s got something for you to do.

 

Noah:  And what would that be, exactly?

 

Chris:  Uh…He didn’t actually tell me.  I thought He’d meet me here or something.

 

Noah:  Alright, so come get me when He shows up.

 

Chris:  No, why don’t you come with me back to where I first talked to Him?  That might save time.

 

Noah:  Can’t.  Busy.

 

Chris:  You’re busy?  Doing what?

 

Noah:  Building an ark.

 

Chris:  An ark?  Why?

 

Noah:  I don’t know.  Gotta do something.

 

-God appears.

 

God:  Oh hey!  Noah!  Chris!  Glad I found you!

 

Chris:  Hi God.  So what’s the big plan You’ve got set up?

 

God:  Oh it’s really quite simple.  First off, I’m going to wipe out most of humanity.

 

Chris:  (Nods along).  Good, good, and then what?

 

God:  And then things get back to normal, more or less.

 

Chris:  Not as interesting, but whatever, it’s Your plan.

 

Noah:  Oh Lord, how may I serve Your mighty plan?

 

God:  Oh I like this one.  Okay, Noah, I need you to build- oh snaps, you already pretty much built it.  I really like this one!

 

Noah:  What would you have me do with my ark, oh Lord?

 

God:  I want you to gather up two of every animal.  That way, it will be possible to repopulate the world with animals after I totally annihilate it Old Testament style.

 

Chris:  How You thinking of doing the deed?

 

God:  Uh…actually, I’ll get back to you on that one.

 

Noah:  How many animals must I find my God?

 

God:  Hmm…all of them, if you’d be so kind.

 

Chris:  Except snakes.

 

God:  No, snakes, too.  I love all creatures.  Just not spiders.  ICK!

 

Chris:  How long we got?

 

God:  Let’s say…one week.  Sound good?

 

Chris:  Cutting it close, wouldn’t You say?

 

God:  I created all of existence in 6 days; I think you can find a few animals in that time.

 

Noah:  Is my ark large enough to accommodate Your wishes my Lord?

 

God:  It’s, hmm…you used the metric system when you built this, huh?

 

Noah:  Yes Lord.

 

God:  Well I’m sorry but the metric system is wicked and sinful.  You’ll have to tear the ark down and start from scratch using, oh, let’s say “cubits.”

 

Chris:  What in Your name is a cubit?

 

God:  I don’t know, surprise Me.  Legos, I think.  See you in a week! 

 

-Woosh!

 

Chris:  Okay, I’m terrible with building, so I’d say you should go build the ark while I get the animals, but I’m also a wuss and God took my shovel away from me after I inadvertently caused the death of Abel, so maybe I should just supervise the whole project.  Sound good?

 

Noah:  No, not really.

 

Chris:  Good.  I’ll be over here supervising then.

 

-A few days pass.

 

Chris:  Hey Noah, has it been a week yet?

 

Noah:  (Walking past with two buffalo).  No, it’s been three hours.

 

Chris:  Why does the stage direction up there say it’s been a few days?

 

Noah:  Because you’re not very good at supervising.

 

Chris:  Oh, right.  Okay, I’ll go find flamingos then.

 

Noah:  A what now?

 

Chris:  A flamingo.  You know, silly pink gay bird.

 

Noah:  Haven’t seen those before.  I think you made it up.  Also, we need animals that aren’t gay.  Nothing wrong with ‘em, but you know, they don’t mate well.

 

Chris:  Well they’re not really gay, just flamboyant.

 

Noah:  Flamboyant?  How high is their flamboyancy?

 

Chris:  Fairly high.

 

Noah:  Then don’t worry about them; they should be able to float when the storm waters hit.  Go get some rhinos, will you?

 

Chris:  Wait, storm waters?  Why storm waters?

 

Noah:  God told me He’s going to flood everything.

 

Chris:  A flood?  That’s it?  BORING!  Hey God!

 

God:  (Appears).  Hello?  Yes?  Did someone ring for Me?

 

Chris:  Storm waters, really?

 

God:  Do you mock Me?

 

Chris:  Well yeah, duh.

 

God:  You know I don’t like that.

 

Chris:  Okay, but hear me out here.  Why not have it rain fire instead of water?  Eh?  Much cooler than just some rain, wouldn’t You say?

 

God:  But I’ve already got this whole thing planned out.  It’s gonna be one HECK of a rainstorm, so give it time.

 

Chris:  But rain?  RAIN?  Come on, give me something cool.  Someone’s gotta write the Bible and when they do, do You want them to say, “And then it rained a whole lot”?

 

God:  Hmm…you have a point there.  I got it!  We’ll say, “And then the floodgates of Heaven opened up and washed away all the wickedness in the world.”

 

Chris:  Oohoo, tingles~!

 

Noah:  Lord, can I have more help than just this man here?

 

God:  What?  Nope, sorry, you get Chris for this scenario.  He’s not that bad.

 

Noah:  But he’s not doing anything, Lord.

 

Chris:  Fine fine, I’ll go get the flamingos.

 

God:  A what now?

 

Chris:  You know, silly pink gay birds.

 

God:  Oh, you mean the “GWahwAH!”

 

Chris:  The what now?

 

God:  Fine, I’ll call it a “flamingo” since you clearly can’t pronounce it correctly.  Sheesh.  And go get some rhinos for Noah.  Poor guy, having to build an ark and save the world.  Almost wish he didn’t have to do it.

 

Noah:  I don’t mean to question Your judgment oh Lord, but-

 

God:  Then don’t.  Bye bye!

 

-Whooshadoodle!

 

Noah:  Rhinos, please?

 

Chris:  I’m gonna go look for a GWahwAH.

 

Noah:  Nuh…

 

-A week really passes this time.

 

Chris:  Pretty sure at least.  (Holds his hand out).  Yup, it’s raining.

 

Noah:  (Carrying a pair of elephants, some crocodiles, two giraffes, and an exploding smatradon).  Could you please help me?

 

Chris:  Alright, I’ll grab that weird looking thing at the end there.

 

Noah:  No no, don’t grab-!

 

-PLOW!

 

Noah:  Okay, no one tell God that the exploding smatradons are now extinct.

 

Chris:  Totally your fault though.

 

Noah:  I’m going to go put these other animals away.

 

Chris:  Not bad for a 600-year-old man.

 

Noah:  Well, that’s somewhat of an exaggeration.  I’m not really 600.

 

Chris:  Really?  How old are you?

 

Noah:  I have no idea.  God made me convert years into cubits, so I got lost.  Go grab the last animals on the list while I make the final preparations.

 

Chris:  Okay.  (Checks the list).  Let’s see…we got everything except for the stupid fantasy creatures that every Noah’s Ark parody must mention at least once.  Aha!  We forgot to get snow leopards!  I love snow leopards!  Oh no!  I can’t be responsible for snow leopards going extinct, too!  I’ve already killed off too many creatures for this one to slide.  Dang it!

 

­-Chris runs off.

 

Noah:  (Walks back out of the ark).  I wonder if God would really mind if I just sorta left without him…

 

-Noah looks around and quickly runs back to the ark, closing the main door.

 

-Meanwhile, the raining picks up as Chris searches for a pair of snow leopards.

 

Chris:  Alright, so back at home in the real world I can always find snow leopards at the zoo, so where would that translate to here in Biblical times?

 

-The flood begins.

 

Chris:  Not cool!  Then again, I’m from Oregon, so this is nothing really new.

 

-A man on a bike rides by in the middle of the street.

 

Man:  Have you voted in the ASUO elections yet?!

 

Chris:  Yeah, sure, whatever.

 

-A tsunami comes by and sweets the guy away.

 

Chris:  Not gonna miss that guy.

 

-CRACKOOM!

 

Chris:  Ah!  That’s either thunder or something really awesome just happened in Eclipse Star.  (Looks at himself).  No, my character didn’t transform or anything, so it must be thunder.  That means…

 

-RAIN!

 

Chris:  WAH!!

 

-A pair of snow leopards run out from the trees by Chris.

 

Snow Leopard:  Come little one.  We must escape the flood waters.

 

Chris:  Oh gosh.  I LOVE snow leopards!  Teeheehee!

 

-Chris jumps on the back of one of the snow leopards as they run from a wave that’s chasing them.

 

Chris:  How exciting!  Wouldn’t this just look awesome if it were visual or something?  I mean REALLY!  Cool!

 

-Daring escape sequence!

 

Chris:  There!  The ark!  Hurry!

 

-Chris and the snow leopards get to the ark, but the door’s closed.

 

Chris:  Noah!  C’mon!  Open the door!

 

Noah:  (Yelling down).  Sorry Chris, but there’s no time!

 

Chris:  Hey!  I’ve got snow leopards down here!

 

-The door quickly opens up just enough for the snow leopards to run in and then slams shut again.

 

Chris:  Hey!

 

Noah:  Sorry, really out of time now!

 

Chris:  Don’t give me that!  I’ll tell God on you!  Do you want me to have to tell God on you?!

 

Noah:  Fine fine!  I was just kidding!

 

-The door opens and slams on top of Chris’ head with a “Thunk.”

 

Chris:  Ow!

 

-Floodwaters rush up right behind him.

 

Chris:  Wah!  (Runs inside the ark and closes the room).

 

Noah:  There, we got everything done before the flood hit.  Mission accomplished.

 

-God appears.

 

God:  Well done you two!

 

Both:  Thanks.

 

Chris:  So now what?

 

God:  Well, now it rains and rains and rains.

 

Chris:  For how long?

 

God:  Oh dang, I didn’t think about that part.  I thought for like a day or something.

 

Chris:  That’s not bad.

 

God:  No wait!  FORTY days!  And forty nights!

 

Chris:  Oohoo, chills again.  No wait…I’m stuck on this boat for over a month?

 

God:  Hey, I was being cool and poetic.  I just can’t please you, can I?

 

Chris:  Apparently no you can’tn’t.

 

God:  That was…I’m not even going to justify that with anything.  Enjoy your 40 days!

 

Noah:  No wait!

 

-God leaves.

 

Noah:  But…I don’t want to spend 40 more days with him, Lord.  (Turns to Chris).  Well crap.

 

Chris:  And don’t think I’m gonna forget about wanging my head with the door.

 

Noah:  Let’s just make this as painless as possible, okay?

 

Chris:  Deal.

 

-Forty days go by.

 

Noah:  Okay, so you remember when I asked you to stock the ark with food?

 

Chris:  Yeah.

 

Noah:  And you remember how you forgot to stock the ark with food.

 

Chris:  Yeah.

 

Noah:  Whose fault is it then?

 

Chris:  Oh I’m pretty sure it’s your fault somehow.

 

Noah:  How many animals did we end up pushing to extinction as a result?

 

Chris:  (Burp).  Pretty much most of them.

 

Noah:  That’s what I thought.

 

Chris:  I’ll take the blame for a few of those, but I was completely against eating the cats.

 

Noah:  That didn’t stop you.

 

Chris:  No but I was morally opposed to it the whole time and I did my best not to find them delicious.  (Picks his teeth with a cat’s tail).

 

Noah:  So what do we tell God?

 

Chris:  Don’t worry about it; I’ll handle it.

 

Noah:  Thank you.

 

Chris:  Any birds come back yet?

 

Noah:  (Sigh).  No.  I sent dozens of types of birds out and nothing’s come back yet.

 

Chris:  You think they’re dead?

 

Noah:  At this point…most likely.

 

Chris:  Okay, but then you’re the one responsible for those extinctions.

 

Noah:  Fine fine.  (Looks up).  Hey, you see that?

 

Chris:  What?

 

Noah:  It’s a dove.

 

Chris:  Awesome, ‘cause I am starving.

 

Noah:  (The dove lands on Noah’s arm and drops an olive branch).  An olive branch?  I said go for food!  For food!  What’m I supposed to do with this, huh?!

 

-Dove shrugs.

 

Noah:  Dang it.  (Sigh).  Whatever.

 

God:  Congratulations!  The flood is over!

 

Chris:  Oh hey, God, when did You get here?

 

God:  I’m always here and always was here and always will be here.

 

Chris:  Oh, well then when did You get here?

 

God:  Just a moment ago.

 

Chris:  Okay.

 

God:  Noah, look where your ark is resting!

 

Noah:  (He looks down and sees that the ark is on a mountain).  Oh great, this is exactly what I was hoping would happen.

 

God:  And look in the sky!  Do you see the beauty I have created?

 

Chris:  Is that a rainbow?

 

God:  Yes, the most beautiful of my promises to you.  A promise that I’ll never wipe out humanity again.

 

Chris:  Yeah, not bad, but a rainbow?  Isn’t that kinda…you know…?

 

God:  Kinda what?

 

Chris:  You know…GWahwAH.

 

God:  No, rainbows are awesome, and so are everything that I created, so shut up.  Speaking of everything I created, how many animals are left?

 

Noah:  See, Lord, about that…

 

Chris:  Noah screwed up there.

 

Noah:  Hey!

 

God:  Dang it Noah.  I can’t expect you to do anything, can I?

 

Noah:  (Falls to his knees). Oh Lord, forgive me!

 

God:  Hey, that’s some mighty fine groveling.  Okay, all is forgiven.  Just thank Jesus.

 

Noah:  Who?

 

Chris:  Trust me, He’s gonna be big.

 

God:  Alright, well I believe it’s time to move on to the next adventure, wouldn’t you say?

 

Noah:  But God what about all the animals Chris destroyed?

 

God:  Hey now, I know he didn’t eat all of those.  You got pretty hungry, too.

 

Noah:  What will we do to correct this?

 

God:  I’ve got a guy I know.

 

Chris:  Oh yeah?  Who?

 

God:  You’d like him.  He’s already out there working on it for Me.  See him out in the distance?

 

Chris:  (Squints).  Oh that guy?  He looks pretty happy.

 

God:  Yeah.  Plus, just look at those eyelashes.  How the heck did he do that?  I mean, sure, I created him and all, but man, even I get surprised sometimes.  Good guy and all when he- Hey!  Stop dancing!  I’m not paying you to dance out there!  Ah what the heck, let him have his fun.  Anyway, that about wraps things up here.

 

Noah:  I suppose I should go get my wife and sons from in the ark.

 

Chris:  Your who now?

 

Noah:  My family.

 

Chris:  Your what what?

 

Noah:  My family, fam-  You did get them before the flooding like I asked, right?

 

Chris:  Uh…what did they look like again?

 

Noah:  My family, my family.  You don’t know what my family looks like?

 

Chris:  They weren’t the walruses I grabbed, were they?

 

Noah:  No!  Are you telling me my family’s DEAD?!

 

Cain:  (Walking up, soaking wet and coughing).  Hey Chris, hey God.  I saved these four from drowning.  Noah I think they’re your wife and kids.

 

Noah:  My family!  (Rushes to them and gives them a hug).

 

God:  Cain, how very thoughtful of you.  I’m impressed.

 

Cain:  So uh, does this mean I’m no longer cursed?  Huh?  Please?

 

God:  Cain, how very selfish of you.  I’m distressed.

 

Cain:  But, uh-

 

God:  Bye bye!  (Flicks Cain).

 

Cain:  GAH~  You haven’t see the last of meeeeeee~

 

Chris:  What’s up next for us, God?

 

God:  For a while, peace and prosperity, more or less.

 

Chris:  It’s gonna be less rather than more, right?

 

God:  Well, you know how you were complaining about nothing really cool happening?

 

Chris:  Yeah.

 

God:  Things are about to get NUTS.

 

Chris:  Hooray!

 

And with that, Noah had successfully navigated his ark, bringing two of every animal to the new world…more or less.  I forget how most of the events happened, but I’m pretty sure that’s the main gist of it.  And as God said, for a while, I wasn’t too important, but that’s just because there weren’t too many humans on the earth for me to bother.  Not for a while anyway.

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The Story of Cain and Abel and Chris

May 24, 2009 at 9:32 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

 

The Story of Cain and Abel and Chris

 

So if y’all remember, a while back I found myself at the In The Beginning stages of time, what with God creating Adam and Eve and whatnot.  He had told them not to eat the fruit from a specific tree and asked me to keep an eye on them and wouldn’t you know it, I screwed up.  Long story short, I’m partly to blame for Original Sin.  Doesn’t matter.  From there on out things got a little hectic as it seemed God wasn’t quite done with these kids.

 

God:  Alright then, Adam, Eve, how’s life treating you since you got booted from Eden?

 

Adam:  Uh…you know, things have been good.

 

Eve:  No, long story short, I hate our lives and hate You, too.

 

God:  Wonderful!  Glad to hear the punishment’s going so well.  Oh by the way, Eve, you know that thing that you and Adam do every so often?

 

Eve:  Sex?  You mean sex?  Yes God, what about it?  It’s the only decent thing we have out here.

 

Adam:  It’s great!

 

God:  Yes well, guess what?  Wabam, you’re pregnant!  See ya!

 

-God leaves again.

 

Adam:  What’s pregnant?

 

Eve:  I don’t know; beats me.

 

Chris:  (Walks by with a shovel).  Hey, don’t I know you two from somewhere?

 

Eve:  Uh, yeah, like, from the Garden of Eden.

 

Chris:  Oh yeah!  I remember you two!  Weren’t you, like, snakes or something?

 

Eve:  Ug, no, we were the first two humans.

 

Adam:  Actually, I was kinda the first human and you came from me.

 

Eve:  Whatever, you always come first.  Stupid men.

 

Chris:  Yeah yeah, I remember.  You guys screwed up pretty badly, didn’t you?

 

Eve:  Yes, and you helped if I remember correctly.

 

Chris:  Nah I don’t think you do.  Anyway, what’s new?

 

Adam:  Hey, what’s “pregnant”?

 

Chris:  Um, really?

 

Eve:  Yeah, God told us that I’m pregnant now.  What’s He talking about?

 

Chris:  Oh, that means you’re gonna have a baby?

 

Adam:  Ohhh…what’s a baby?

 

Chris:  It’s another human.

 

Eve:  Pff, yeah, and where’s this new human gonna come from?

 

Chris:  Uh…down…down there.  (Points at the baby spot).

 

Eve:  …What?

 

Adam:  Hahaha, nah that can’t…oh.  Oh no.

 

Eve:  (Yells off to God).  Hey God!  We’ve got a problem!

 

God:  What’s up everyone?

 

Chris:  Hey God.

 

God:  S’up.

 

Eve:  Is it true that I’m about to fire a human from my crotch?

 

God:  Yup.  Pretty funny, huh?

 

Adam:  Heeheehee…

 

Eve:  (Smacks Adam).  No, it’s absolutely not.

 

God:  (Sigh).  Fine, I’ll make it a small human.

 

Eve:  No deal.  Take it away.

 

God:  Sorry, you’ve got a looooooong way to wait for Planned Parenthood to show up, and you’re already in enough trouble with Me, so I’d advise staying away from there and just having Abel already.

 

Adam:  God?  What’s an Abel?

 

God:  It’s a name.  It’s what you’re gonna end up naming your child.

 

Eve:  Hey, You’re not birthing it, so You’re not naming it.  I’ll name it myself.

 

God:  Fine, name it Cain for all I care.  I’m outta here.  Oh wait, Chris?

 

Chris:  Yes?

 

God:  Job for you.

 

Chris:  More snakes?

 

God:  No, things are about to get really, oh, how shall we say…bad very suddenly.  Keep an eye on things for Me until I get back from vacation.

 

Chris:  Where You going?

 

God:  Nowhere in particular.  Just any and everywhere.  I’ll be back when the plot demands.

 

Chris:  Well, have fun.

 

God:  Always do.  (Gone).

 

Eve:  Well now what do we do?

 

Chris:  If I remember things correctly, breathing exercises.

 

Eve:  I know how to breathe.

 

Adam:  Yeah!  What’re you saying about my Eve?!

 

Eve:  Ug, I’m not your Eve, I’m my Eve.  You’re my Adam.  Now go get me some watermelon; I suddenly really want some.

 

Adam:  What’s a watermelon?

 

Eve:  (Waves Chris off).  Go, go help him.

 

-Nine months later…

 

Adam:  Hey Eve, I don’t mean to say anything but…you’ve gotten really fat.

 

Eve:  I’m pretty sure this is all God’s fault.

 

Chris:  It’ll all be gone in a little bit though.  How you feeling?

 

Eve:  Meh, a little queasy but nothing-HAAAA!

 

Adam:  What the heck?!

 

-Birthing scene…I’m not describing this.

 

Adam:  WHAT IN GOD’S NAME JUST HAPPENED?!

 

Chris:  That’s a baby, and Eve just gave birth to it.

 

Eve:  (Exhausted).  ARG.  I’m not doing that again.

 

-Another nine months later.

 

Eve:  Adam?  I hate you.

 

-More birthing.

 

Chris:  Well, that makes two babies.  You ready to name them?

 

Adam:  Well, I think we should name this one Abel.

 

Eve:  Yeah, and we might as well name the first one now, too.  I’m naming it Cain.

 

Chris:  Wonderful!  Cain and Abel, what a couple of scamps.  I bet nothing bad’s ever gonna happen to them.

 

Eve:  Alright, well I’m bored.  Here, you take ‘em.

 

-Eve hands two babies to Chris.

 

Chris:  …Oh no.

 

Adam:  See ya buddy!

 

-Adam and Eve leave before promptly fornicating again.

 

Chris:  (Looks back and forth between the babies).  Sometimes, I hate my life.

 

-Years later.  The two babies are now nearly teenagers.

 

Abel:  Hey Chris, what cha doin’?

 

Chris:  (Pacing with a shovel).  Patrolling for snakes.  You can’t be too careful about these things.

 

Abel:  What’s wrong with snakes?

 

Chris:  They’re evil, wicked creatures sent to tempt you into sin.  Also, those suckers got fangs and crap and that stuff’s scary as well.

 

Abel:  Oh, well I don’t like snakes then.  Scary things scare me.

 

Cain:  (Runs up).  Hey losers, check what I just found.  (Holds up a snake).

 

Abel:  Whoa, what’s that?

 

Cain:  I call it, “snake.”  Pretty sick, huh?

 

Abel:  (Freaks out).  WAAAAAAH!

 

Chris:  HeeYUT.  (Swings his shovel like a bat and hits the snake out of Cain’s hands and off into the distance).

 

Cain:  Hey, why’d you do that?

 

Chris:  New rule for you two.  No snakes.  Ever.  Ever ever.  That snake didn’t say anything to you, did it?

 

Cain:  Snakes can’t talk, stupid.  The thing just kept hissing.  I don’t speak snake.  What do I look like, Harry Potter?

 

Chris:  Alright, fine, just don’t play with snakes anymore, okay?  Go take up, I don’t know, farming or something.

 

Cain:  Fine.  There’s nothing better to do anyway.  Not like there’s any chicks around here.

 

Chris:  Yeah, and if you find any, best not deal with them if you can help it.  They’re probably related to you.  Your parents are kinda the only other people on Earth right now.

 

Abel:  What’s mom and dad like?  I sure do miss them.

 

Chris:  Well, Adam’s kinda like you, Abel.  And…

 

-Cain is seen in the background picking up another snake.

 

Chris:  Cain’s more like his mother.  Tell you what; go play with some sheep.  You might just like it.

 

Abel:  Are they scary, like snakes?

 

Chris:  No, they’re soft and cuddly, like clouds.

 

Abel:  Yay!  (Claps his hands and runs off to look for sheep).

 

Chris:  Good kid.  Sucks to be him.

 

-More years pass.  Cain and Abel are fully-grown now.

 

Chris:  (Walks up to Cain’s farm).  Hey Cain, how’re things?

 

Cain:  Shut up; I’m farming.

 

Chris:  What sort of crops you got this year?

 

Cain:  Seeing as how you don’t eat vegetables, do you really care?

 

Chris:  Hey, I like corn.  Have you any corn?

 

Cain:  No, I purposely don’t grow things you like.  I hate you.

 

Chris:  That’s cool.  Hey, where’s Abel?

 

Abel:  (Walks up with a flock of sheep).  Greetings my friends and brothers!

 

Cain:  Oh, look who showed up.  Must be so hard watching sheep all day.

 

Abel:  Such a rewarding job.  I’ve seen every sheep grow and become old, just like me and you.  Except Chris.  Why are you the same age as when we first met you?

 

Chris:  (Shrugs).  I uh-no.  That’s just how I roll.  Nice sheep by the way.

 

Abel:  You really think so?  I was planning on taking this group to God, you know, as a thank you.

 

Cain:  Thank you for what?

 

Abel:  Well for being God.  Must be difficult running the universe.  It’s the least I can do.

 

Cain:  No, the least you can do is nothing, and you nearly do that as it is.

 

Chris:  Don’t listen to him.  Go, God loves sheep.

 

Abel:  Oh Lord!  I pray to Thee!  I have an offering to give unto You!

 

God:  (Appears in the sky).  Huh, huh, who said offering?  (Looks down).  Oh hey!  Abel!  How are you?

 

Abel:  I am well; thank you, Lord.

 

God:  And Cain, Chris, I see you two are doing very well.

 

Cain:  Meh.

 

Chris:  No snakes, Sir.  I’ve been very good about that.  (Salutes with his shovel).

 

God:  Glad to hear it.  So, what’s all this offering business I’m told so much about?

 

Abel:  Lord, I wanted to save this for Your birthday, but I have no idea when Your birthday is, so I have for You a flock of my best sheep.

 

God:  I LOVE sheep!

 

Cain:  And uh, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise, but I have an entire field of crops for you as well and since everyone’s apparently throwing their hard work away, here, it’s for you.

 

God:  Hmm…I noticed you didn’t capitalize My name when you referred to Me as “you,” so I am displeased.  Also, no corn?  What the heck?  I made everything and said “it was good,” but I was just being nice to vegetables.  Try harder next year.  Abel, nice work though.

 

Chris:  How’s the vacation going?

 

God:  Not bad, not bad.  Incidentally, if you happen to run across a planet named Mars anytime soon and wonder why it’s completely barren and unlivable, uh, better just not ask.

 

Chris:  Will do.

 

God:  See y’all later then.  (Waves and leaves).

 

Abel:  Ah, the joy of serving God.  What a treat.

 

Cain:  What the hell?  Why didn’t He like my offering?

 

Abel:  Clearly you did not give Him enough of yourself or your finest.  You have many fresher and more bountiful fields, yet you decided to give Him this unfortunate piece of land.

 

Cain:  He’s God; how am I supposed to shop for that?  He’s got everything!  He made everything!  This is BULLCRAP!

 

Abel:  Hmm.  Well, sorry to hear that you don’t respect our Lord enough.  Okay, if anyone needs me I’m going to go tend to my millions upon millions of sheep.  (Walks away).

 

Chris:  (Pats Cain on the back as he fumes).  Sorry ‘bout that man.  Better luck next time.

 

Cain:  Give me your shovel.

 

Chris:  (Freaks out and looks at the ground).  Why?!  You see a snake?!

 

Cain:  Sure.  Snakes.

 

Chris:  Alright.  Here ya go.  (Hands him the shovel).

 

Cain:  I’ll be back.  Keep an eye on my crops.

 

Chris:  Will do.

 

-An hour goes by as Cain finally comes back.

 

Cain:  Sorry that took so long.

 

Chris:  Before you ask why all your crops are on fire, please consider that I’ve never been that great at gardening in the first place.

 

Cain:  (Breaks down upon seeing his fields engulfed in flames).  AAAAAHHHH!!!!

 

God:  (Appears suddenly in the sky, extremely angry).  HEY!

 

Chris:  Hey God, how goes it?

 

God:  Will someone please explain this?!

 

-God holds out a dead Abel with a shovel in his back.

 

Chris:  Hey, isn’t that my shoveloh no.

 

God:  CAIN!  DID YOU KILL ABEL?!

 

Cain:  Okay, before we all go crazy about who killed whom with what, let’s take a moment to first-

 

God:  You are sooooo cursed.

 

Cain:  Wait cursed, why?

 

God:  Abel is now DEAD.

 

Abel:  (Sits up).  Yeah, I’m dead.

 

Cain:  Well…stop to think about this for a second.  Maybe I just did it as an offering to you.

 

God:  No no, you must call Me “You” with a capital letter!  Have you learned nothing about how to write for Me?  I’m so glad your crops are engulfed in flames.

 

Chris:  Yay!  I helped!

 

God:  Cain, you are herby cursed to walk the Earth forever.

 

Cain:  I can’t die?

 

God:  More or less, no.

 

Cain:  I see no downside to this.

 

God:  Trust Me; your life is about to suck from here on out.

 

Chris:  (Raises his hand).  Can I try and kill him?

 

God:  No.  Anyone who kills Cain or even attempts to kill Cain with be cursed seven times over.

 

Chris:  Well that’d sure suck.

 

God:  Yes.  Totally My point.  Now Cain, be gone from My sight.

 

Cain:  Okay, I’m going.

 

God:  And remember to wander aimlessly!  That’s part of the punishment!

 

Cain:  I’m gonna go see what mom and dad are up to.

 

Abel:  (Waves).  Tell them I said hi!  Also that I’m dead!

 

God:  Alright, that’s all for now.  Chris, you’ve done well as snake hunter.

 

Chris:  Do I get my shovel back?

 

God:  Nnnno, it’s pretty stuck in Abel.  I think we’ll just leave it there for now.  Besides, it was only really that one snake I needed killed.  I don’t even remember asking you to go kill all those snakes, but it sure was entertaining.  Anyway, I’ll be seeing you.

 

Chris:  Wait!  What should I do in the meantime?

 

God:  I don’t know; the Bible’s gonna be pretty boring for a while.  Just keep track of who’s begetting whom until something big happens, ‘kay?  (Gone).

 

Chris:  Huh.  Well, better get to work on this thing then.  (Pulls out a book and a quill).  Okay, “Genesis: Chapter 1.”  No, that’s boring.  “Eclipse Star: Genesis: Chapter 1.”  Much better!

 

-And so, that was the story of Cain and Abel, or what little of it I actually remember.  I probably should have written it down, but I chose to write DBZ fan fiction with my name inserted as a character instead.  Dang, now it really is starting to rain.  Wonder why…

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Gods Playing Poker

May 20, 2009 at 9:34 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

*Author’s note:  Here is the beast.  During my senior year of high school I submitted “My Buddy Jesus” to the theatre department as a one act for the festival.  It was rejected for obvious reasons.  The next day I submitted this one act, titled “God’s Playing Poker.”  It soon became a hit.  This is not the original script, but rather an updated version over the years with more content added.  It’s gone through multiple drafts and a filmed version was made, though the footage has since been lost after two failed attempts to convert it to a DVD, including one moment of a teacher erasing everything a mere hour before it was to be viewed for a final project.  Regardless, the premise is pretty standard, though you’ll be able to see where some jokes continue from or even begin, as well as some themes that appear throughout.  The main goal was to entertain and to give people something to enjoy.  So, I recommend you take that advice and enjoy.

 

Gods Playing Poker

 

Written By Chris Pranger

 

Characters:

 

God:  Main character. God has a temper at times.  When he gets mad, he talks faster.

 

Jesus:  Son of God; acts like a teenager for the most part.  Very innocent and fun loving but annoyed with God.

 

Lucifer:  Soft-spoken and sneaky.  She hates just about everyone, especially God, although seems very civil towards Buddha.  Played by a woman.

 

Buddha:  Laid back and calm all the time.  Doesn’t speak much but whenever he does it’s usually important and clearly stated.  Sounds smarter than everyone else by using larger words.

 

Santa Claus:  Big fat jerk.  Jesus and Santa do not get along at all.  Although Santa has an image of being a kindhearted man, he actually takes great joy in making fun of others and enjoys the sinful pleasures.  Santa is smoking a cigar.

 

Chris:  Jesus’ friend from Earth.  Chris comes to visit Jesus for the night and ends up joining the poker game.  He is witty and thought provoking, yet is still only human.  Can be played by either a boy or a girl.

 

Setting:  There is a large table set up center stage.  There are 6 chairs around it.  There is a refrigerator on stage left and a coat rack on stage right with various jackets and coats on it, namely Santa’s jacket.  God sits at the head of the table, Santa is to his right, Buddha is to his left.  To Santa’s right is Lucifer.  There are chips and drinks on the table as well as poker chips and money.  A game of poker is already in progress.

 

God:  Haha, so it seems that I win again.

 

Lucifer:  No surprise there, God…

 

God:  Silence, wicked one!

 

Santa:  I haven’t been here for more than an hour and already I’m near broke.  This is frigging ridiculous.

 

Buddha:  Gentlemen, gentlemen, let us just take solace in the fact that we have a chance to get together and reminisce.  There’s rarely any free time in the world anymore, what with everyone asking things of us.

 

Santa:  (Thinking of a select wish)  I wish for a bike…

 

God:  (Thinking of a select wish)  I wish for world peace…

 

Lucifer:  (Thinking)  I wish I could earn Microsoft a few extra bucks…

 

Buddha:  God, I hear that you’ve raised a fine son.  Where is he tonight?  Why isn’t he here playing poker with us?

 

God:  He’s in his room again playing some sort of video game.  Jesus!  (No answer.)  JESUS!  Get in here!

 

Jesus:  (Comes storming in from off stage left.  He has headphones on.)  Darn it dad, I’m playin’ Grand Theft Auto in there. What’d you need?

 

God:  Grand Theft Auto?!  You know I don’t like those sorts of games!  Why aren’t you playing your Nintendo like a good boy?

 

Jesus:  Dad, no one calls it a “Nintendo” anymore unless they’re from the 60’s, and everyone makes fun of me for playing anything make by Nintendo.  They say that all the games they make are for children.

 

Santa:  Yet the only thing kids ask for on their Christmas list are games that involve killing hookers…

 

God:  What?  That’s crazy!  Didn’t you explain that it’s not a kiddy system but rather a family fun experience?

 

Jesus:  Yes, and all they do is laugh and play Grand Theft Auto, so that’s all I can play to be part of the “In Crowd.”  I don’t have anyone who’s willing to play those kiddie games with me.

 

God:  What about that foolish mortal kid…(Snaps his fingers in thought).  What’s his face…uh…uh…Chris?

 

Jesus:  Well that’s true.  He’s actually supposed to be here any time, too.

 

Lucifer:  Good, he can play poker with us.

 

Jesus:  No, we’re gonna go hang out in my room.

 

God:  Nonsense! You’ll sit with your ol’ dad and play a game for once.

 

Jesus:  Uh…Chris should be here by now.  (Keeps checking his watch and tapping his foot impatiently).  Why’s he so late?

 

God:  Go down there and look for him – it’ll save time.

 

Jesus:  Oh no, I’m not going back there.  You remember what happened last time I went to Earth?

 

Lucifer:  I do.

 

Jesus:  Does this refresh any memories dad?  (Poses in the crucifix pose.)

 

God:  There you go, making a martyr of yourself again.  (Doorbell rings.)  Good, that must be him.  (God’s voice booms out).  Come forth, mortal!  (Thunder sounds go off and the lights flash as God throws his arms up).

 

Chris:  (Walks in from off stage right.)  I don’t think I’m ever gonna get used to that.

 

Jesus: Hey Chris, ‘bout time you found me. 

 

Chris:  Yeah, your house isn’t exactly the easiest house to locate on the block…

 

Jesus:  Well now that you’re here, what say we go hang out in my room?

 

God:  (Very sly) What say you play a game of poker with us…?  (Slowly shuffling the cards.)

 

Chris:  Hah, I’m not much for poker.  I suck at that game.

 

Lucifer:  We all do.  God sees to it.  (Pulls out a cigarette and lights it.)

 

God:  Lucifer, those things’ll kill you.

 

Lucifer:  (Takes a puff) I’ll just sue the tobacco industry when that time comes.

 

God:  I said those things’ll kill you!  (Points at Lucifer who immediately starts to gasp for air and puts out her cigarette. God smiles.)  Much better.  Now where were we?

 

Buddha:  We were offering Chris an invitation to our competition of cards.  Please, pull up a seat here next to me.

 

Chris:  Sure, I guess I’ve got time for one game, but I’m telling you all, I really suck.  (Sits down between God and Buddha.)

 

God:  Son?  You want to play too?  (Makes a pouty face.)

 

Jesus:  (Sighs) Okay, but I am not going to sit next to him(Looks over at Santa.)

 

Santa:  Oh, what is with that?

 

Jesus:  You ruined my birthday and you know it!

 

Santa:  Get over yourself!  You have two holidays and still that’s not enough for you, you spoiled brat!

 

Jesus:  What?!  Easter is hardly a holiday!  Oh goody, we celebrate the day that I was reborn by having a rabbit hide multi-colored eggs all over.  Makes complete sense, except for the fact that it DOESN’T.

 

Santa:  First off he’s not a rabbit, he’s a bunny and a good very friend of mine, and secondly, your birthday isn’t even in December, it’s in the summer time!

 

Jesus:  So, I could have been born in December if I felt like it!

 

Santa:  You’re just bitter because you only get one present for your birthday because it also counts as your Christmas present, too.

 

Jesus:  What?!  Forget you!  I don’t need gifts!  Dad, deal me a hand, I’m in.  (Sits down between God and Santa.)

 

God:  Excellent.  (Begins shuffling the cards really fancy and deals quickly.)  Okay, gentlemen, the name of the game is five-card stud.  Minimum bet is $5.  Let the games begin.

 

Lucifer:  You mean resume?

 

God:  Don’t test me Lucifer; you’re walkin’ a thin line as it is.

 

Lucifer:  I suggest one little thing to you and you send me to Hell.  That’s really fair…

 

God:  You suggested that you should take my job!  I believe your exact wording was “Screw you, God, I could do your job better than your, ahem, expletive deleted, expletive deleted.”

 

Lucifer:  Yeah, something like that.  (Looks over towards Buddha.)  You know, Buddha, you look like you’ve lost weight since I last saw you.

 

Buddha:  Oh ho, you flatter me.  I’ve been trying out that Atkin’s Diet, which is most difficult as I am a vegetarian.  I have been considering liposuction, though.

 

Chris:  Wouldn’t they call that an exorcism?  (Looks around smiling, proud of his joke.  No one seems to get it.)

 

Lucifer:  I don’t get it.

 

Chris:  It’s because he’s a deity.  You see, it’s like the fat has possessed him and…it’s really funny if you think about it…

 

Lucifer:  I just find that offensive.

 

Santa:  You would.

 

Lucifer:  Shut up, fat boy.

 

Santa:  You shut it, reject.

 

God:  Enough!  (Slams his fist down on the table.)  Ante up, boys.

 

Buddha:  Aha, I believe that I shall wager five extra dollars on this hand.

 

Santa:  I’ll see your five and raise you five.

 

God:  I see both your fives and raise you…  (Checks his pockets; they are empty.)  I will raise you the state of Minnesota.

 

Chris:  What?  You can’t do that!

 

God:  I’m God; I do what I want when I want!

 

Lucifer:  Oh please, don’t wager any more states again.  You remember what happened with Utah?

 

God:  Last time I play poker with Joseph Smith…

 

Jesus:  I’ll see your Minnesota and raise you another five dollars.

 

Chris:  What say we just call before this gets too absurd and you start wagering souls or something.

 

(God and Lucifer start laughing.) 

 

God:  That was a fun night indeed!

 

Lucifer:  We each must have bet over a thousand souls that night!

 

BOTH:  Wahahaha!

 

Buddha:  (Lays cards down on the table.)  Oh my.  I don’t believe I have much of anything to speak of other than two pair.

 

Jesus:  Same here.  (Lays cards down.)

 

Santa:  (Lays cards down.)  Three of a kind, all ladies.

 

Lucifer:  Sorry, but I do believe I outdo your queens with my trip aces.

 

Chris:  Haha!  Read ‘em and weep boys, er, Gods.  (Throws down cards on the table.)  I’ve got me a royal flush if I’m not mistaken.  God, let’s see what you’ve got up your sleeve.

 

God:  So sorry Chris, but my hand seems to beat your royal flush.  (Lays cards down on the table.)

 

Chris:  A seven, three, nine, two, and Jack?

 

God:  Yes, a holy flush.

 

ALL:  Gah!  (Throw their cards down.)

 

Chris:  First good hand I get in my life and I had to be playing against God.  Fantastic.

 

Jesus:  Okay Chris, I think we’ve spent enough time out here; let’s head towards my room for a while.

 

God:  Oh, don’t hog him all for yourself, son. Let’s play another round!

 

Jesus:  Darn it, dad, you always do this to me!

 

God:  Do what?

 

Jesus:  Every time that I get a new friend, you feel the need to use our friendship to get closer to the person and you chase them away from us both with your smothering.  I’ve seen you do it again and again and again.

 

God:  Oh come now, I don’t do that… do I?

 

Lucifer:  Yep.

 

Buddha:  Sorry God, but you do have a habit of scaring believers away.

 

God:  I smother ‘cause I love.

 

Lucifer:  You go overboard and if they don’t listen to you down to the minutest detail then you snap and send ‘em over to my place.  You seem to use Jesus here to lead them to you and then push them away as soon as they get close.  It’s a vicious trend.

 

Jesus:  See, that’s why I’m Jewish.

 

Chris:  Well, this is certainly awkward… 

 

(Everyone is staring blankly at the ground.)

 

Buddha:  (Finally breaking the silence.)  Anyone up for Trivial Pursuit?

 

ALL:  Yeah, sure, you bet cha, etc.  (Improv reactions.)

 

God:  I’ll get the box.  (Reaches behind his back and pulls out a Trivial Pursuit box.)

 

Jesus:  I call blue!

 

Chris:  Orange.

 

Lucifer:  Red.

 

Santa:  Screw you, I call red!

 

Lucifer:  Rock, Paper, Scissors for it.

 

Santa:  Deal.

 

Lucifer:  (They play Rock, Paper, Scissors.)  I win.

 

Santa:  What the heck is this?  (Makes an odd hand gesture.)

 

Lucifer:  Steam shovel.

 

Chris:  Now that’s a darn good choice.

 

Santa:  So how’s this game played?

 

God:  (Reading the rules of the game.)  Well, from what I gather, all you have to do to win the game is answer trivia questions correctly.  Hm, doesn’t sound too difficult.  (Pulls a card out from the box.)  “What Russian novel embracing over 500 characters was set during the Napoleonic war?”

 

Chris:  Hmm…War and Peace.  (Grabs the box.)  You know…this may sound a tad bit paranoid, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you know all the answers, God.

 

God:  Oh come now, surely you don’t really believe that I know all the answers?

 

Lucifer:  You do have that omnipotence thing goin’ for ya.

 

Chris:  Man, that omnipotence thing would be sweet.

 

God:  Actually, omnipotence means all-powerful.  What you mean is omniscience, which means all-knowing.

 

Chris:  See, this is kinda my point…

 

Lucifer:  Why don’t we just play a game that involves no real skill?

 

Jesus:  I’ve got Monopoly in my room. We could play that.

 

Buddha:  A fine idea!

 

Jesus:  Uno momento por favor.  (Exits stage left.)

 

God:  I don’t really take his friends away from him, do I?

 

ALL:  Yep, uh-huh, indeed, etc.  (More improv answers.)

 

Lucifer:  I still don’t get why a mortal like you is friends with Jesus.  What makes you so special?

 

Chris:  Oh plenty of things, such as the ability to do this.  (Does the removing thumb magic trick.)

 

Lucifer:  Hah, that’s nothing.

 

Chris:  I can do much more than that.

 

Santa:  Bah, like what?

 

Chris:  Like your mother.

 

Lucifer:  Hahahahaha, I like this kid.  You’d make a good sidekick.

 

Chris:  Sorry, I play no man’s sidekick.

 

Lucifer:  So?  I’m a woman.

 

Chris:  Um…  I never really noticed.

 

Buddha:  Chris, how could you overlook such an important detail?

 

Chris:  It just never caught my attention I guess; I just naturally assumed that Lucifer would be a woman.  (Looks over at Lucifer).  No offense of course.

 

God:  You know, Lucifer isn’t really a woman.  She’s not really anything for that matter.

 

Chris:  I’m not following you.

 

God:  *sigh* Of course you don’t follow; I’m the one with all the scary answers, aren’t I?  Lucifer has no gender, she was born an angel and angels don’t get genders.  Once she moved out on her own she assumed the female gender seeing as how she knew that she could piss off the most people that way.

 

Buddha:  Yes, no male would ever take offense from learning that Satan is a man since that is the overwhelming perception, but to learn that Satan is actually a female instantly angers every woman on Earth.

 

Chris:  Oohoo, tricky tricky.  You’re a clever one there Lucy.

 

Lucifer:  Oh why thank you.  See God, at least someone appreciates my abilities.

 

God:  (Not paying any attention to her).  Oh, what’s that Lucifer?  I’m sorry, I was too busy creating a new species of mammal that can speak French.  Have you created anything worthwhile lately?

 

Lucifer:  Arg, I hate you sometimes, and this is one of those times…

 

God:  Jesus Christ is taking a long time in there.  Jesus!  Hurry up, we’ve been waiting all eternity in here for you!

 

Santa:  Yeah!  Heysuess, get a move on it before I call the border police!  Hahaha…

 

Chris:  (To Santa).  You’re kinda a jerk there aren’t you?

 

Santa:  You deal with kids all day and you’ll hate people, too.

 

God:  JESUS!

 

Jesus:  (From off stage.)  I’m going as fast as I can in here dad, and Santa, you can go fornicate yourself with a wooden spoon!  My room’s kinda cluttered at the moment so just have some patience for once, alright dad?!

 

God:  I’ve got endless patience…  (Jumps out of his chair and yells toward Jesus’ direction.)  Bah!  Get your holy self out here!

 

Chris:  Heh, I get it…

 

Jesus:  I’m workin’ on it!  Okay, I’ve found my Monopoly stash, which version do we want?

 

Buddha:  What are our choices?

 

Jesus:  We’ve got Star Wars Monopoly, Lord of the Rings Monopoly, Batmanopoly, Spidermanopoly, Pokemonopoly, Football Monopoly, Baseball Monopoly, Rugby Monopoly, Beaver-opoly, Hillsboro-opoly, Mono-opoly, Mormonopoly, Child’s Edition, Senior’s Edition, Brail Edition, Deft Edition, Cannibopoly, Pornopoly, Lorena Bobopoly, Japanopoly, Rolex Edition, Anorexic Edition, Dyslexic Edition, and the Game of Life.

 

God:  What about just plain Monopoly?

 

Jesus:  Oh, you mean classic?  I don’t have that one.  I’ll go check your room.

 

God:  Oh you’re kidding me!

 

Chris:  Mind if I grab something from the fridge?

 

God:  That’s fine with me.

 

Chris:  Why thank you.  (Starts to get up.)

 

God:  No, no, sit, I insist.  I’ll get it for you.  (Turns towards Lucifer.)  Hey Lucifer, get the mortal a drink.  (She’s not moving).  Lucifer!  Up!  Drink!  Get!

 

Lucifer:  Why am I always the brunt of your aggression?  This can’t be healthy.  My psychologist says that you’re doing immense damage to my mental state through your thoughtless actions.

 

God:  Would you like some cheese with your whine?  (Convulses with laughter over his lame joke. No one else laughs.)

 

Lucifer:  See, this is exactly why I hate you…  (Gets up and grabs a drink from the fridge.  He then tosses it over to Chris.)

 

Jesus:  (Comes back in with Monopoly.)  I’ve got the game!  I call the shoe piece!

 

Chris:  I’ll be the dog.

 

Santa:  I want the train.

 

God:  Nope, sorry but I get the train.

 

Lucifer:  But I wanted the choo-choo…

 

God:  Hah!  Look at Lucifer with her choo-choo!  Hahaha!

 

Lucifer:  (Standing up, furious.)  Dammit God, this is what I’m talking about!

 

God:  (Also standing up, furious.)  Hey!  You watch your language in my house!

 

Lucifer:  I’ll say what I wanna say!

 

(God and Lucifer get into an argument that quickly becomes indecipherable.)

 

Buddha:  (Stands up and breaks them apart.)  Both of you sit down now!  (Smacks God and Lucifer.  The others are in shock.)  Now sit down and act like civilized creatures before I really get mad!  (God and Lucifer sit down slowly.)  You two have some unresolved issues that you should resolve like adults, and yet you’re acting like politicians.

 

God and Lucifer:  (Quietly)  Sorry…

 

Buddha:  (Hands at his hips.)  God, do you have something that you’d like to say to Lucifer?

 

God:  I’m… I’m sorry for insulting your intelligence and choice in lifestyle…

 

Buddha:  And Lucifer, what have you to say to God?

 

Lucifer:  I’m sorry for overacting and for the whole trying to take over heaven thing…

 

Buddha:  (Smiles big)  Good.  Now, as I was saying… I get the choo-choo.

 

All but Chris and Jesus:  What!  No!  Forget you!  Etc!  (Yet more improv lines.)

 

Chris:  So who’s gonna be the banker and the property manager?

 

Lucifer:  I’ll take that job.  I’ve gained a pretty good understanding of how banking and land ownership works over my years.

 

(They all start to play while the one act continues on.) 

 

God:  So Chris, how has school been?

 

Jesus:  Here we go again…

 

Chris:  Oh, it’s going, just great.  I mean, it’s not like school could ever get boring, right?

 

God:  Good, good.  Anything new in your life?

 

Chris:  Nope, just hangin’ out mostly. Trying my best to get a job.

 

God:  Ohhh.  Jesus, you hear that?  Chris is looking for a job.

 

Jesus:  Dang it, not this again.  I told you, I’ve been looking, but nowhere’s hiring.

 

Santa:  You could always come work for me; I’ve got plenty of room in my workshops.

 

Jesus:  Thanks but no thanks.  I’d rather not support child labor.

 

Santa:  Oh come on, the little S-O-B’s have got to earn their toys somehow.

 

Lucifer:  When I was talking to the manager of Wal-Mart the other week, he told me they were hiring. You could always go check there.

 

Jesus:  Meh, working with the general public just isn’t my thing.

 

Santa:  Try a job at the local adult store.  Customers there go out of their way not to talk to you.  Plus the majority of the stores are actually pretty clean inside… (Everyone turns to him accusingly).  Oh, um, (cough) from what I hear anyway…

 

God:  So Chris, have you had any luck finding a job?

 

Chris:  Not really.  I assume it’s all part of your plan though, right?

 

Jesus:  Oh no…

 

God:  Why is it that whenever something bad happens you mortals always blame me?

 

Chris:  Is it her fault then?  (Points over towards Lucifer.)

 

Lucifer:  Hey, leave me out of this.  I’ve been a good girl lately.

 

Santa:  That’s surprisingly true; I checked my list.

 

Jesus:  How cliché…

 

Santa:  Bah, go suck a lemon…

 

Chris:  You know what they say: “When God gives you lemons…”

 

God:  I HATE that phrase!  You humans are all the same.  If something good happens, then you say it must have been good fortune, but if something bad happens, then it must have been part of God’s plan.  (Mockingly)  Oh my, I lost my job.  It must be part of God’s plan.  Oh no, I got a divorce.  It must be part of God’s plan.  Oh dear, Timmy was hit by a bus.  It must have been part of God’s plan.

 

Lucifer:  Why is Timmy such a popular name in hypothetical situations?

 

God:  Because Timmy is a great name.  (Shakes his head and focuses again).  Doesn’t matter.  The bottom line is, I don’t meddle in human affairs.  In the beginning… 

 

(God pulls out a Bible from nowhere and starts reading.  His Bible is titled “My Diary”.  Everyone but Chris moans).

 

Jesus:  Oh man, not this story again…  (Looks towards Chris).  Ya see what you did?

 

God:  In the beginning, I created the heavens and the Earth and the sky and the oceans and the plants and the animals, and you know, it was good, because I said so.  And on the sixth day, I created Adam and Eve.  When I created them, I gave them something called free will, or as I like to call it, “auto pilot”, and I rested on the seventh day by watching the Super Bowl.

 

Lucifer:  Aha, Super Bowl Genesis, that was a good one.  We almost beat you guys that year.

 

God:  Yeah, almost.  Anyway, I gave Adam and Eve the Garden of Eden and said be free and have fun, but don’t eat the fruit from one specific tree.  You’d think that’d be fair, right?  They could eat anything else they wanted to, just not the fruit from that one tree.

 

Chris:  What was so special about that one tree?

 

God:  Nothing, that’s the point.  I just said, “Here’s paradise, don’t eat that fruit, see you in a week,” and left it at that.  Do you know what they did?

 

Chris:  They ate the fruit…?

 

God:  They ate the fruit!  Did I tell them to eat the fruit?  Did I make them eat the fruit?  No!  They screwed up on their own!

 

Chris:  Wait…didn’t the fruit represent knowledge?

 

God:  Sure, whatever, and when has knowledge ever made anyone happy? 

 

Chris:  Point taken.

 

God:  Let’s take another example.  (Flips through the bible a few pages.)  “And I said to Noah build an ark with which to float above the flood and take with you two of every animal, and as many people as you can convince to come along with you.”

 

Chris:  Wait, wait…I thought the point of the flood was to purge sinners from the earth?

 

God:  It was!  But Noah was supposed to do his best to convince the others that they shouldn’t screw up so much.  I do have a reputation for giving people endless second chances you know.

 

Chris:  The Bible never said anything about that…

 

God:  That’s because Noah got drunk to celebrate the completion of his ark and forgot to tell anyone about what was gonna happen.  He screwed up!  Did I make him forget?  Was that part of my plan?  No!  He screwed up!  And what’s worse, he forgot to grab two unicorns for the trip!  (Looks dreamily into the sky).  I’ll miss those little guys…

 

Chris:  The Bible never said anything about all of this…

 

(All laugh except Chris.)

 

God:  You expect the Bible to be an exact telling of what happened?  I told humans to write the Bible and you know what they did?

 

Chris:  They screwed up…?

 

God:  They screwed up!

 

Chris:  That would make sense…

 

God:  Of course it does!  So whenever someone says, “It must have been part of God’s plan,” do you know what it really means?

 

Chris:  They screwed up…?

 

God:  They screwed up!

 

Chris:  Oh, I get it.  So David was able to kill Goliath because Goliath screwed up?

 

God:  Exactly!

 

Chris:  And the Israelites were able to escape because Pharaoh screwed up?

 

God:  Precisely!

 

Chris:  And George Bush won the 2000 election because Florida screwed up?!

 

God:  (Cough)  No that was actually my fault…but the next one was totally all you guys.

 

Chris:  So which religion is the right choice?  I mean there are so many different ones to choose from, which one do you agree with the most?

 

God:  That’s a sensitive issue Chris, an issue that would be much too serious and controversial for anyone if they were to be watching this conversation.  (Mockingly turns towards the audience).

 

Buddha:  God, just explain your position on religion to the child.  I think he can handle it.

 

Chris:  Thank you Buddha, but I’m not exactly a child anymore, I’m officially an adult.

 

Lucifer:  *snicker*  I doubt that you’re really a man.

 

Chris:  Well I doubt that you’re really a woman.

 

God:  I’ll determine if you’re a man or not Chris.  One question.

 

Chris:  Shoot.

 

God:  Are you circumcised?

 

Chris:  Ahem, what does that have to do with it?

 

God:  Simple question, yes or no?

 

Chris:  You already know though, you’re always watching right?

 

God:  I only watch when you’re wearing clothes.

 

Chris:  You don’t watch people when they’re nude?

 

God:  Well not men.  Santa, you usually keep a watchful eye ‘round the clock, right?

 

Jesus:  Sounds like tendencies of a stalker…

 

Santa:  We prefer the term “Professional Obervationist,” and no, I don’t know the condition of Chris’ member.

 

Chris:  Come here God, I’ll tell you…  (Whispers in his ear.)

 

God:  Chris, in my eyes you are not a man.

 

Chris:  What?!  Just because I’m not circumcised?!

 

God:  No, because you still run around the house on the weekend in your underwear singing the Batman theme song.  I just wanted you to admit that out loud.  Don’t you feel better now?

 

Chris:  *cough*  (Quickly sits down.)

 

Jesus:  Wow…  And I thought I knew you man…

 

Chris:  Shut up!  At least I’ve still got the tip of my penis!

 

Jesus:  Ooh, low blow…  (Santa opens his mouth as if to speak.)  Don’t say it…

 

Chris:  Well if you’re not going to tell me which religion is correct will you at least tell me the meaning of life?

 

Buddha:  Come now God, you owe him at least that much to satisfy his thirst for enlightenment.

 

God:  Nope, he’s not worthy.

 

Chris:  Preposterous!  I’m totally worthy!

 

God:  Fine, prove me wrong then.

 

Chris:  What?

 

God:  Yeah, go ahead and prove me wrong.  Find a fallacy in any of my arguments throughout time.  Go ahead, I dare you.

 

Jesus:  Ooh, tough challenge.

 

Chris:  Pff, okay, yeah, I’ll totally blow your mind with some even more flawless logic.

 

Santa:  He’s gonna choke…

 

Chris:  Shush.  (Starts thinking really hard, looking as if he’s about to explode from excess thinking).

 

Buddha:  Oh my, I do not believe he appears all too well.

 

Jesus:  He’s gonna pop…

 

Chris:  I’VE GOT IT!  (Everyone jumps back a bit).  Okay, so God, you claim that your followers should trust you, love you, and worship you and you alone, correct?

 

God:  Yes, ideally.

 

Chris:  Yet those who truly devote themselves to you end up going through trials and tests on a regular basis, also correct?

 

God:  Some would say that.

 

Chris:  (Pacing around the stage at this point, believing his argument to be fantastic).  Now I believe it was Jesus who made the claim that a kingdom divided amongst itself cannot stand.  Is this true?

 

Jesus:  Yeah, I did say that a few times.  (Smiles and looks at Santa, distinguished).  I was the master of the one-liner in my day you know.

 

Chris:  And God, do you not consider everyone your children and, as such, part of your kingdom?

 

God:  I do, yes.

 

Chris:  AHA!  Then in the process of forcing these believers into trials and tests, you are forcing them to prove themselves again and again and in doing so, you are battling your own kingdom!  Thus your kingdom is divided amongst itself and by your very own logic it cannot stand!  (Pointing straight into the air to make a point, feeling himself victorious and great).  What say ye?!

 

(There is silence for a second, then everyone but Chris erupts with laugher).

 

God:  Hahahaha, that has to be one of the dumbest theories I’ve ever heard!  (Points at Lucifer).  Did you tell him to say that?

 

Lucifer:  Haha, no, I would have come up with something much better.

 

Chris:  But…flawless logic…

 

God:  You gave it a good shot kid, but I don’t punish good people with misfortune.  There is such a thing as coincidence in the world; you should learn to notice the subtle difference.

 

Buddha:  God, he did try ever so hard to please you.  Would you not agree that he deserves to learn the secret of life?

 

God:  Yeah alright, he’s given me a good enough laugh. 

 

Chris:  Yes!

 

God:  Okay, come ‘ere…  (Starts whispering into Chris’ ear.)

 

Chris:  (Shocked).  Wow, I never knew sock puppets played such a big part in the grand scheme of things.

 

Jesus:  Just wait until you find out how important cantaloupe is.

 

Santa:  And thus, everyone learned a lesson.  (checks watch)  Ho ho ho man, I should get goin’.  The missus’ll start wondering where I am.  I told her I was going out to get the mail three days ago.  (Gets up and walks over to the coat rack.  He grabs his coat and puts it on.)

 

Buddha:  It is getting rather late.  I ought to be returning to my place in the heavens before anyone starts to wonder where I went.  (Gets up and starts to walk towards the coat rack.)

 

Lucifer:  And I’ve got to meet with the president of the FOX network in half an hour.  It’s sweeps week.  (Also gets up and walks towards the coat rack.  Santa, Buddha and Lucifer all wave goodbye as they exit stage right.)

 

God:  Oh, come on guys, the night is young!  Hey, we could go appear in people’s food and mess with their heads!  You guys love doing that!

 

Jesus:  Dad, just let ‘em go.  That joke’s getting old anyway.

 

Chris:  Come on Jesus; let’s go hang out in your room.

 

Jesus:  Good idea.

 

Chris:  Thanks for a pleasant evening Mr. God.  We’ll have to do it again sometime.  (He and Jesus get up and exit stage left).

 

God:  Hey come back!  (Sitting all alone.)  Ah man, I was just about to win, too…  (Knocks over the Monopoly game. As lights fade to black…)  Hey I wonder if my old college buddy Zeus is in town…?

 

End

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Chris and the Story of the Nativity

May 20, 2009 at 9:26 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

Chris and the Story of the Nativity

 

As it so happens, this Christmas thing is actually based off of a very significant event in history.  A lot of people argue that it’s all about gifts and commercialism.  Others say that it finds its basis as a way of converting the Pagans into Christians.  But in actually, before any possible conversion or ill-conceived gift-giving, it was all about a man.  A great man.  A close friend of mine actually.  This man was named Jesus, and he was awesome.  During one of my many travels of the Earth I came upon this event as it occurred so many years ago.  At this point close to 2 thousand, but who’s really counting other than the Catholics?  I found myself in Jerusalem all those years ago passing by a random conversation I heard between a hottie and an angel…

 

Chris:  (Walking down the streets of Jerusalem, strutting as usual).  Alright then, what should I do today?  It seems that there isn’t really much to do these days except wander around.  Meh, might as well wander while I’m at it.

 

Mary:  (In an alleyway talking to an angel).  You’re kidding me!  I can’t be pregnant!

 

Chris:  Hey, now this sounds promising.  (Wanders down this alleyway).

 

Angel:  I know, this sounds bad, but trust me, you are pregnant and you will have a healthy son.

 

Mary:  But I’m a virgin!

 

Chris:  Aren’t we all…?

 

Mary:  Don’t you have to do…things…to become pregnant.

 

Chris:  Yeah angel, we’re all a bit curious how this happened, and also how it usually happens, so why not explain this for everyone who’s confused?

 

Angel:  Normally, yes, you’ve gotta do the deed for this to happen.  However, in this instant it so happens that God has chosen you Mary to be the vessel for his son.

 

Mary:  I’ve been knocked up by God?!

 

Angel:  In so many words…yes.

 

Chris:  What, God couldn’t just ask her nicely?

 

Angel:  God doesn’t do things that way.

 

Chris:  Oh, he’s in a fraternity huh?

 

Mary:  Well then…what do I do now?

 

Angel:  I’m gonna say…basically lay off smoking and drinking for a while.  Also, don’t let the baby die…ever.

 

Chris:  That’ll be easier said than done.

 

Angel:  So um…I’ll see you in a few months…

 

Mary:  What’ll I do until then?

 

Angel:  Don’t screw up.  (Disappears).

 

Mary:  This is too much to handle…I feel so alone…

 

Chris:  You know, I don’t really have anything I have to do for the next nine months…

 

Joseph:  (Walking out from the building).  Mary, what’s wrong?

 

Chris:  Who’s this guy?

 

Joseph:  I’m her husband.

 

Chris:  Oh crap.

 

Mary:  Joseph, I have something to tell you…

 

Joseph:  What is it?

 

Mary:  You know how we always wanted a child?

 

Joseph:  Yes, and I also remember you telling me that you wanted to wait a long, long time for that child.

 

Mary:  Oh don’t worry, we were totally gonna do it…eventually.

 

Joseph:  Right right.

 

Mary:  Well I just found out something important.

 

Joseph:  What’s happened?

 

Mary:  I don’t really know how to say this…

 

Chris:  God totally tapped your sexy wife.

 

Joseph:  What?!  Da hell?!

 

Chris:  I know, we were all a little heartbroken about it.

 

Mary:  And I was told that I would have to remain a virgin forever so we can never consummate the marriage.

 

Chris:  I don’t remember that…

 

Mary:  (Smiles and elbows Chris in the ribs).  Shuuuut-uuuup…

 

Joseph:  I suppose this could be worse.  At least Satan didn’t get to you first.

 

Satan:  (Walking down the street with some flowers and some chocolates).  Alright, just play it cool and…(Looks around).  Why’s everyone already in the alleyway?

 

Chris:  Mary’s pregnant with God’s child.

 

Satan:  That jerk!  I totally called dibs!

 

Chris:  Trust me, we’re all heartbroken.  (Notices the flowers and candy).  What’s with the sappy gifts?

 

Satan:  I’m old fashioned and God’s a douche`.  (Storms off).

 

Chris:  Interesting.

 

Joseph:  So now what?

 

Mary:  I don’t know.

 

Chris:  Hey, let’s all go celebrate this new addition to our family with a game of Scattegories.  Huh?  Anyone?

 

Nine Months Later…

 

Chris:  Alright everyone, I don’t wanna be a killjoy or anything but it seems that Caesar thinks that you’re trying to outdo him with that baby of yours or something like that.  I wasn’t paying much attention really.

 

Joseph:  I still don’t even know who you are.

 

Chris:  I’ll introduce myself one of these days.

 

Mary:  What were you saying about Caesar?

 

Chris:  Oh yeah, he’s gonna try and kill the kid.  Or you guys.  One of the two.  Maybe both.  Mary, I will never let anything happen to you.  Joseph, you’re a fast runner, right?

 

Joseph:  I can’t let this happen to my family.

 

Chris:  Yeah Unky Joe, we gotta do something.

 

Joseph:  This city isn’t safe anymore.  We have to leave tonight.

 

Mary:  I’m nine months pregnant; I can’t travel in this condition!

 

Chris:  Yeah, Caesar was being kinda a dick for bringing this up now of all times.  Maybe I shouldn’t have told all those people about you carrying the savior and all.

 

Joseph:  You’ve done what?!  You’ve jeopardized my family’s lives!

 

Chris:  Now now, we could throw blame all day…(Points at Joseph).  Joseph…  But we’ve got more important business to take care of.  I hear that Nazareth is quite nice this time of year.

 

Mary:  It’s miles and miles away though.

 

Chris:  But it’s so romantic…meow…

 

Joseph:  Fine, we have no other choice.  I’ll gather some things; can I trust you to get us some sort of transportation?

 

Chris:  Me?  Absolutely.

 

A Few Minutes Later…

 

Chris:  Alright, transportation is here.

 

Joseph:  These are donkeys.

 

Chris:  Hey, horses and camels are expensive.

 

Joseph:  Then why are you riding a Segway?

 

Chris:  These are more expensive and I bought this first.  Anyway, let’s get going!

 

Miles and Miles into the Desert…

 

Joseph:  You do know where we’re going right?

 

Chris:  What?  No way, I figured you’d know.  You’re the husband; I’m just the third wheel.

 

Joseph:  Dammit.

 

Mary:  Hey, watch your language around the baby.

 

Joseph:  He’s not even born yet!

 

Chris:  Trust me, it’ll make him cry all the same.

 

Mary:  Look!  It’s Nazareth!

 

Chris:  See, I told you I knew where I was going.  (Points at Joseph).  And you wanted to push her down a flight of stairs.  Tisk tisk, for shame.

 

Joseph:  I said no such thing!

 

Mary:  AH!  I think my water just broke!

 

Chris:  Then away we go!  (Hops onto Mary’s donkey).  Hi ho silver!  Away!  (They take off).

 

Joseph:  Hey!  You bastard!

 

That Night in Nazareth…

 

Joseph:  (Knocking on door after door).  Please, my wife is in labor and the two of us need a place to stay.

 

Chris:  What about me?

 

Joseph:  The two of us need a place to stay.

 

Man:  Look buddy, I haven’t got any rooms and I don’t care.

 

Chris:  She’s carrying God’s child though!

 

Man:  Tell that to someone who cares.

 

Joseph:  Alright then.  Sorry to have bothered you Mr. Kennedy.

 

Chris:  I’m telling you, terrible things will happen to your family!  (Door slams).  Yeah, he heard me.

 

Joseph:  Well, we’ve only got one house left.

 

Chris:  Ooh, my turn!  (Knocks on the door).  Hey!  We need a place to stay!

 

Inn Keeper:  I’m terribly sorry, my inn is full.  It is after all Christmas, so I’m booked solid.

 

Chris:  But she’s pregnant and giving birth to the savior of the human race.

 

Inn Keeper:  Sorry, I just don’t have the space.

 

Chris:  I’ll tell you what…this kid’s gonna have a rough future…how about I sell you the filming rights…?

 

Inn Keeper:  Done and done.

 

Chris:  Thanks Mel.

 

Inn Keeper:  Don’t mention it.  All I’ve got though is a manger.

 

Chris:  A what?

 

Inn Keeper:  A manger.  It’s kinda like a stable, except not.

 

Chris:  That just sounds stupid.

 

Inn Keeper:  Yeah I hate the Jews as well.

 

Chris:  What?

 

Inn Keeper:  This way everyone.

 

Mary:  Oh dang!  Here it comes!

 

Joseph:  The baby?  We have to hurry!

 

Chris:  Everyone, to the stable…thing!

 

A Few Minutes Later…

 

Mary:  AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

 

Joseph:  Push!  Push!

 

Chris:  I don’t know what I’m seeing…and I’m not sure that I like it.

 

Wise Man 1:  Hey, are we in the right place?

 

Chris:  Birthing of the savior?

 

Wise Man 2:  I told you I knew where we were!

 

Wise Man 1:  Yeah, like one wise man is gonna take the advice of another wise man!

 

Wise Man 3:  Donkeys!  Hahaha!  (Claps his hands and dances).

 

Wise Man 1:  Seriously, why did you have to bring your cousin along?

 

Wise Man 2:  Just shut up and watch the birth.

 

Wise Man 3:  Hi pretty lady!  (Looks over, sees what’s happen and immediately starts crying from confusion).

 

Shepherd:  Hi, I came for the savior?

 

Chris:  No homeless!

 

Shepherd:  I’m pretty sure I heard that he would be welcoming all, especially the meek and the helpless.

 

Chris:  Really?  I heard otherwise.

 

Shepherd:  From who?

 

Chris:  The Catholics.  Aw what the hell, welcome aboard.

 

Angel:  Oh good, you’re all here already.  I guess my work here is done.

 

Chris:  You didn’t do anything!

 

Angel:  Didn’t I though?  (Thinks).  Oh yeah, I forgot the star.  (Pling).  There, I shall dub you…the Eclipse Star.

 

Chris:  Already taken.

 

Angel:  Then it’s just the North Star, or whatever.

 

Mary:  WAAAAHHH!!!

 

SHADDOOM!!!

 

(An explosion of light and the baby is born).

 

Joseph:  He’s beautiful.

 

Chris:  Hey Jesus.

 

Jesus:  Hey Chris.

 

Joseph:  Do you have a name picked out yet Mary?

 

Angel:  Um, God demanded that he be named Jesus.

 

Joseph:  Where the hell has he been for the past nine months then?

 

Angel:  Um…doin’…ssstuff.  (Shifty eyes).  Gotta go.  (Gone).

 

Jesus:  I do like the name Jesus.

 

Joseph:  You be quiet.  You’re only thirty seconds old, I don’t need backtalk.

 

Jesus:  Oh, sorry dad.

 

Joseph:  Aw, (Tears well up), he called me dad!

 

Jesus:  Yeah, I’m pretty great.

 

Chris:  So Mary…now that this is all over and all…

 

Jesus:  Chris, please tell me that you’re not hitting on my mom.

 

Chris:  What?  Dude, no.  No way did I do that or would I ever.  Too bad she’s into me…

 

Jesus:  No.

 

Chris:  She totally is.

 

Mary:  I’m not.

 

Chris:  You toyed with my emotions and that’s not fair.

 

Jesus:  Hey Chris, do you think you could give me and my family a bit of time alone for now?  Please?  I mean, I was just born and all.

 

Chris:  Yeah, no sweat it.  Give me a call, alright?

 

Jesus:  Totally.

 

Chris:  Yeah don’t overuse that word.  Come wise men and shepherd, let us take our leave.  Jesus, we’ll do lunch sometime, alright?

 

Jesus:  Sure sure, I’m naked here.

 

Chris:  Off to my next adventure!

 

And that is the story of the Nativity.  At least that’s how I remember it.  Pretty sure I didn’t embellish any parts or anything.  Completely true.  Totally.

 

Merry Christmas Jesus!

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Adam and Eve and Chris

May 20, 2009 at 9:25 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

*Author’s note:  This begins a new concept I had when writing.  I found that some of my best work involved satire of the Bible, so in taking classic stories and inserting myself I found it complimentary to my style of writing.  Naturally, things became far sillier as a result.  Any sort of logic is completely gone at this point as fantasy prevails over any possible fact.  But fun is still had, and thus, enjoy.

 

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, the sky, the plants, the oceans, the creatures, and finally man, among other things, such as mayonnaise and sock puppets.  Anyway, I’m diverting from what the point of this story is.  When God created man, he named him Adam and soon after God created woman from one of Adam’s ribs, (a foreshadow that women would always be a pain in men’s sides), and named her Eve.  God placed both Adam and Eve in a wonderful location known as the Garden of Eden and from there our story begins, because at this same time I just happened to be in town…

 

Chris:  You must be the new guy.  What’s your name, skinny?

 

Adam:  Well, God has named me Adam, although I’ve always liked the name Squiggy personally.

 

Chris:  Hmm, that’s a shame.  *Notices Eve* Sweet God in Heaven…

 

God:  You called Chris?

 

Chris:  More or less.  Who’s this interesting and naked specimen?

 

God:  That is what I call a woman.  I have named her Eve.

 

Chris:  Well hello Eve.

 

Eve:  Um…I have to go over here now… *walks about three feet and looks away*

 

Chris:  So God, I have noticed that you decided to make men and women and all, but yet no clothes.  How come?

 

God:  I spent 6 days creating all existence.  Give me a break; they can walk around naked for a little while longer.

 

Chris:  So what made you decide to create a guy other than myself?  I thought we had a good thing goin’ here.  Things were good, I was happy, now you’ve introduced this new element into my life called woman and another element called competition and I don’t know what to think.

 

God:  Would you like some cheese with your whine?  Ohoohoo!  Bah-zing!

 

Chris:  Touché God…

 

God:  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to lay down the rules for Adam and Eve so that they know how things work here in the Garden of Eden.  *Whistles* Adam!  Eve!  Come here for a sec!

 

Adam:  What’s up God?

 

Eve:  Yeah, what do you want?

 

God:  I’ve created you two to live and maintain this garden of mine.  You can do just about anything EXCEPT eat the fruit from that tree over there.  *Points at a random tree off in the distance*

 

Adam:  That tree over there?

 

God:  No no, the one next to it.  No touchy the fruit.

 

Adam:  Just a little?

 

God:  No, absolutely no touching, picking, eating, or offering of the fruit from that tree.

 

Eve:  Can we have a taste of it before we’re not allowed to eat it first so that we know what it tastes like and we aren’t curious later?

 

God:  Um, no.  It’s kinda like a test to see if you’ll listen to me and not disobey my rules.

 

Chris:  I will bet you all my comic books that they end up eating at least one fruit off of that tree.

 

God:  I’d take that bet but I already know what happens.  However, I could use your help.

 

Chris:  Sure, what’s up?

 

God:  Keep an eye on them, would you?

 

Chris:  Sure, I’ll do what I can.

 

God:  Great.  Now if you’ll all excuse me I must be off to plan how to punish them as soon as you fail me at this task.

 

Chris:  Jeez, thanks for the encouragement…

 

God:  Jeez…I like that name.  I should name my kid that.

 

Chris:  Sure, you do that…

 

God:  See ya guys, don’t eat the fruit!  *leaves*

 

Chris:  So guys, what should we do?

 

Adam:  Um, I can’t think of anything.

 

Eve:  Hey, I’ve got an idea.  We could always eat the fruit from that one tree.

 

Chris:  Boy, you don’t waste any time, do you?

 

Adam:  But Eve, God told us not to eat the fruit.

 

Eve:  Pff, you think that he has the right to tell me what to do?  How sexist is that?

 

Chris:  And thus the first feminist was born…

 

Eve:  So boys, you up for some sinning?

 

Chris:  Nah, not today, I do too much of that on a regular basis.

 

Adam:  Hey!  Let’s play hide and seek!

 

Eve:  *sigh*  Alright, we’ll play your game for now.

 

Adam:  Hooray!  *runs off to hide*

 

Chris:  What do you see in that guy anyway?

 

Eve:  Well, considering that he’s the only man on Earth, it could be worse.

 

Chris:  Ahem.

 

Eve:  Hah!  You?  A man?  I seriously doubt that.

 

Chris:  Ooh, ouch.

 

Eve:  Sorry to be so brutally honest but…well I’ve gotta go find Adam.  If I don’t go searching for him he’s gonna start getting cranky.  *walks off in search of Adam*

 

Chris:  Dang it, why do I have a feeling that this will become a trend?

 

Snake:  *From over by the tree*  Yo, mack, over here.

 

Chris:  *Walks over to the tree*  Who’re you?

 

Snake:  Oh, just a friend who has noticed your predicament with women and wishes to help out in some little way.

 

Chris:  Meh, she’s not really my type though.

 

Snake:  Well, you have two choices at this point:  Eve, or Adam.  Take your pick.

 

Chris:  Good point…

 

Adam:  *Coming over*  Hey Chris, who’s this guy?

 

Chris:  Just some jerk who thinks he can improve my chances with Eve.

 

Adam:  *Gets an untrusting look on his face*  What?  But Eve’s my girl!

 

Snake:  Are you sure about that leaf boy?

 

Adam:  Yeah, pretty sure…why?

 

Snake:  Oh no reason, I just know a way to score with her, that’s all.

 

Chris:  Hah, you haven’t got a clue.

 

Snake:  Just give her a piece of the forbidden fruit.  It’s nature’s original aphrodisiac.

 

Adam:  Aphrowhat?

 

Chris:  It means it’ll put her in the mood to do the bad dance on the good foot.  Or was that the good dance on the bad foot…?  Regardless, you give her that and you’re gonna get laid.  Adam…?  Adam!

 

Adam:  *Running off to find Eve while carrying a piece of fruit*  Sorry, you know how it goes!

 

Chris:  Ah darn.  So much for winning her heart like in the movies…  *grabs a piece of fruit and runs after Adam*

 

Eve:  There you are Adam!  Hey…what’s that?

 

Adam:  *Out of breath*  Its…a piece…of forbidden fruit.  I figured that you’d like it.  *Hands Eve the fruit*

 

Eve:  Oh Adam!  It’s wonderful!  *Eats the fruit*

 

God:  *Appears out of nowhere*  Heeeeeeeey…what’s all this then?!

 

Chris:  *Looks down at the fruit in his hand and tosses it away*  Um, they totally disobeyed you and ate the fruit.  I was minding my own business and building chapels and such and I tried to warn them but you know how it goes sometimes.

 

God:  I thought I told you to keep them from eating the fruit!

 

Chris:  But you also said that I’d fail, so I couldn’t very well go against your divine foresight, could I?

 

God:  Darn, you’ve got me there.  Okay, Adam, Eve, you screwed up, time for your punishment.

 

Eve:  But we hardly did anything!

 

God:  You ate the forbidden fruit and are now gonna get funky as soon as I kick you out of the garden and then you’ll populate the planet.

 

Chris:  So that’s how it’ll happen.

 

Eve:  Now that you mention it I am getting kinda flustered…

 

Adam:  *Starts dancing around*  I’m gonna get some!  I’m gonna get some!

 

Chris:  This is a really half-assed ending if you ask me.

 

God:  Well luckily no one asked you.  Now you two, BE GONE!!!  KABOOM!  *Adam and Eve are sent from the Garden of Eden…FOREVER!*

 

Both:  You haven’t heard the last of us~  *screaming as they are both sent flying out of the garden*

 

Chris:  I guess I’ll be on my way now God…  *tip-toes away*

 

God:  Oh ho no, I’m not done with you just yet.  *hands him a shovel*  You know what to do…

 

Chris:  Heh, yes I do…  *walks over to the snake*

 

Snake:  Dude, what’re you gonna do with that shovel…?

 

God:  Sorry Satan, but although you might have convinced my first two humans to sin, I doubt that you’ll be able to pull it off again.  In the meantime, enjoy the life of a snake!  HAH!

 

Snake:  *As he’s getting beaten with the shovel*  Arg, you definitely haven’t heard the last of me!  *disappears in a puff of smoke*

 

God:  And that’s that.

 

Chris:  So what’s next on the agenda God?

 

God:  For now, not much.  Cain’s gonna kill Abel, or vice versa, I forget, but basically nothing interesting happens for a few hundred years.

 

Chris:  Okay, I’ll be back when it gets good I suppose.

 

And that’s how I met Adam and Eve.  Hopefully my next Biblical Adventure will be more exciting, but hey, something’s bound to happen, right?  Hey…did it just start raining…?

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Jesus and I Discuss Sex

May 20, 2009 at 9:21 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

The other day I found myself hanging out with Jesus in my room yet again. At this time it occurred to me that I never asked him his opinions on a very tricky subject, namely sex. This seemed as good a time as any so I asked him straight out.

Chris: Hey Jesus, where do babies come from?

Jesus: …

Chris: Well? Aren’t you going to tell me?

Jesus: I’m not sure you’re old enough for me to explain this to you.

Chris: I’m 21; that’s plenty old.

Jesus: I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure you have to be at least 42 before you’re allowed to even hear how sex works.

Chris: I seriously doubt it. Stop stalling and spill the beans.

Jesus: Ug, and so it begins…

Chris: Just tell me how it all happens.

Jesus: *sigh* Alright. You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, they decide that it’s time to take the next step in their relationship.

Chris: Sex?

Jesus: No, dating. Sex won’t come until much later in this explanation.

Chris: So what’s allowed on these dates?

Jesus: Holding hands.

Chris: And talking?

Jesus: No, they’re not even allowed to look at each other until they’re married, so talking can be difficult.

Chris: How are they supposed to communicate?

Jesus: Mostly by squeezing hands. You shouldn’t date until you have a firm understanding of Morse Code.

Chris: And if you don’t?

Jesus: Then you’re not ready to date. After about…10 years of dating-

Chris: Ten?

Jesus: Yes 10 at the very least.

Chris: Why 10?

Jesus: How will you be sure that you really know this person until you’ve dated them for 10 years?

Chris: I haven’t got an answer to that.

Jesus: No you don’t. Anyway, after 10 years of dating they decide that marriage is the way to go. I suggest having the wedding in a church so that I can watch over it very closely to make sure they don’t talk to each other until after they’re pronounced husband and wife.

Chris: And then comes the sex?

Jesus: No, then comes a second wedding, and possibly a third.

Chris: You mean they’ve gotta divorce and then remarry?

Jesus: No, they just need to make sure that the first marriage took. The second wedding is a back up in case the other one was just a fluke.

Chris: So now that they’ve dated for 10 years and gone through at least 2 weddings, now they’re ready for sex?

Jesus: Yes, after they get their sex license.

Chris: Sex license?

Jesus: Yes sex license. They’re gonna have to get a sex license from the government before they can actually do it and the government doesn’t give out sex licenses until you hit 42.

Chris: And after that?

Jesus: Then comes sex.

Chris: Anything special that I should know about wedding-night protocol?

Jesus: When engaging in the act, always have a Bible to recite from so that what you’re doing doesn’t pollute your mind.

Chris: Wouldn’t you start associating the Bible with sex though?

Jesus: Only if you’re a sick, sick person. Any more questions?

Chris: Yeah, how does sex work?

Jesus: Magic.

Chris: That good eh?

Jesus: You’re asking a 2000-year-old virgin here, what do I know about sex?

Chris: You’ve got a point there.

Jesus: You already know about sex. Why are you asking me anyway?

Chris: I was curious to see your stance on sex.

Jesus: If you can go your whole life without it then more power to ya.

Chris: And if you can’t?

Jesus: Then you’re human.

Chris: So what would you think if I engaged in the act of sex?

Jesus: That’s a pretty big “if” right there.

Chris: Ha ha, just answer the darn question.

Jesus: Okay, if you somehow found a way to engage in the act of sex I would first off ask myself “how?” and then “why?”

Chris: How and why what?

Jesus: “How did you convince someone to sleep with you?” and “Why would they do it?”

Chris: You have no confidence in my ability to find a woman, do you?

Jesus: Of course I do, but as of now, why would anyone except Thomas want to sleep with you?

Chris: You do have a point there…

Jesus: This whole conversation is rather absurd anyway. Why don’t we talk about something you understand better, like snack foods.

Chris: I just wanted to know your stance on the matter, that’s all.

Jesus: The bottom line is, don’t do anything until you’ve found that true love. That answer your question?

Chris: Yes finally. Okay, Pringles; Sinful or heavenly?

Jesus: Definitely sinful. Stackable snacks sound like the work of the devil.

Chris: And pretzels?

Jesus: God’s snack of choice. Low in fat, high in salt and a whole lot of twisted craziness. He says it’s his favorite creation.

Chris: I thought man was.

Jesus: Nah, it goes pretzels, women, dolphins, eggplant, Shrinky-dinks, the platypus, and then man.

Chris: Hmm, makes sense to me. I’d definitely put Shrinky-dinks way up there too.

Jesus: Now if you’re done talking nonsense I believe it’s time for Seinfeld.

Chris: Indeed it is.

* * * * *

And with that Jesus inadvertently explained his position on sex, which he later told me was plain old missionary position.

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A Very Merry Jesus Conversation

May 20, 2009 at 9:20 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  Things started to get back to form as my opinions became increasingly less afraid of critique.  By this point in the writings, I wasn’t shying away from having Jesus make sweeping statements regarding actual matters of faith that some people could disagree with.  Still, everything is supposed to be in good fun and should only be considered a means for conversation and to provoke thought from the reader.  But still, enjoy.

 

A Very Merry Jesus Conversation

 

Hello to one and all!  It has been a long month, but of course there is still more month to go.  We all know what tomorrow is, right?  It is Christmas.  And what is Christmas anymore?  It began as a Christian holiday to celebrate the birth of our savior named Jesus H. Christ but has slowly become a day of Santa and Prozac.  Since I hadn’t really gotten into the Christmas spirit this year, I figured I might as well go back to the source, so I paid my buddy Jesus a visit…

 

Chris:  Merry friggin’ Christmas Jesus!

 

Jesus:  Haha, well if it isn’t my old friend Chris.  Haven’t seen you in a while.

 

Chris:  Yeah…it’s been a bad few months.

 

Jesus:  Hah, you think you’ve had a bad few months?  You have any idea what’s been going on in the world?  How about a few hurricanes, some world hunger, global conflict, the list goes on.

 

Chris:  Well…at least it’s Christmas!

 

Jesus:  Ah, and you thought of me?

 

Chris:  Yes.  I hear tales that you were in some way connected to this freakishly skewed holiday at one point or another.

 

Jesus:  As amazing as this may sound, I was actually born on Christmas during biblical times.

 

Chris:  What a coincidence.

 

Jesus:  Yeah, who would have thunk it?

 

Chris:  Why don’t you tell me a little bit about your birth?  I’ve heard the story from so many different people but I’d love to hear it from you firsthand.

 

Jesus:  You are probably the first person to ask me that.  Okay Chris, I will.  It all started back during the time of the Bible.

 

Chris:  Old or New Testament?

 

Jesus:  The good one.

 

Chris:  Ah, so we’re in the New Testament then.

 

Jesus:  Anyway, so a while back my mother, Mary, you know her, kinda short, always baking cookies and such…

 

Chris:  Good sugar cookies.  Ginger snaps need some work but good sugar cookies.

 

Jesus:  So my mom is visited by an angel who proclaims to her that she will bear a child who is to be the savior of Earth and Heaven alike.

 

Chris:  Ooh, the messiah!

 

Jesus:  Naturally, she questions this and says that she is still a virgin and could not possibly be pregnant.

 

Chris:  And so the plot thickens.

 

Jesus:  Much like her uterine lining due to the pregnancy.  So she accepts this wonderful news and tells her husband Joseph.

 

Chris:  Oh man, how’d he take it?

 

Jesus:  You know, he took it really well.  He was confused and realized that he probably wouldn’t ever get sex but he was cool with it.  Really nice guy.

 

Chris:  So what’d he do next?

 

Jesus:  Naturally he told all his buddies and they all celebrated by getting absolutely hammered.

 

Chris:  Your mom, too?

 

Jesus:  Yeah.  They didn’t quite know that drinking was bad during pregnancy back in those days.

 

Chris:  Perhaps it is why you have all these special powers now.

 

Jesus:  Or maybe because I’m the son of God, but moving on…  Nine months pass and for one reason or another Joseph decides that it’d be wise for the two of them to skip town.

 

Chris:  That was because the king at the time wanted you dead, right?

 

Jesus:  Yes, this just goes to show you that life probably does indeed begin at conception.

 

Chris:  Careful, you might offend some people with talk like that.

 

Jesus:  Nuts to them, life begins at conception, deal with it.

 

Chris:  So the king’s having abortion issues…

 

Jesus:  So the king’s trying to hunt us down and stop anything from seriously messing with his life and Joseph is absolutely broke.  However, he comes across an inn and it just so happens that the innkeeper will let them stay in his barn, which he so aptly called “a manger.”

 

Chris:  What the heck is the difference between a barn and a manger anyways?

 

Jesus:  Webster’s Dictionary defines a “Manger” as “A Box or trough from which horses or cattle eat,” while a “Barn” is defined as “A unit of nuclear cross section, equal to 10 to the negative 24th power square centimeter”, er, I mean “A large building, as on a farm, for storing hay, grain, etc., and often for housing livestock.”

 

Chris:  That sucks.  So you guys basically had to sleep in a horse stable?

 

Jesus:  Well technically I was still sleeping in my mom’s womb, but yeah, we slept in the horse stable.

 

Chris:  What happens next?

 

Jesus:  Wouldn’t you know it but fate had a funny sense of humor and my mom went into labor that very night.

 

Chris:  Ouch, poor planning.

 

Jesus:  You’re telling me.  As the opening of my mother’s birthing orifice widened and my head burst forth, a glowing light shot out across the town and the world knew that I was born and kicked severe keester.

 

Chris:  Get to the wise men.  When did they show up?

 

Jesus:  They showed up not long after I was born.  It was really creepy, too.  I mean, I was just born, not five minutes of some alone time and already three dudes show up and claim that they’re wise men who come bearing gifts.

 

Chris:  Anything good?

 

Jesus:  Well I got some Frankincense and some Myrrh.  One guy brought us a tasteless T-shirt that said “It’s my party and I’ll crucify if I want to,” but we returned it for some gold instead.

 

Chris:  And the shepherds?

 

Jesus:  We were nice enough to let ‘em stay for a bit but I mean c’mon, we’re already in a manger; we didn’t need them bringing any more cattle around a newborn baby than there already was.  Besides, they were the nasty cattle of the old days that had all sorts of diseases and the like.  It’s a miracle I was able to stay alive long enough to be crucified.

 

Chris:  Did the king ever find you?

 

Jesus:  The story kinda trails off from there.  You know, sure, why not, the king did find me but he turned out to be a nice enough guy and we because buddies.  He was even nice enough to baby-sit me a few times, but I was a really good child, so it wasn’t asking much.

 

Chris:  Wow, what a magical story.  And what do you think about the Christmas of today’s world?

 

Jesus:  It’s a touchy subject.  It is probably the single meanest part of the year for people and filled with the rawest hatred.  Take for example this recent even:  A school in the Pacific Northwest does something every year called “The Giving Tree” in which little cards are hung from a tree that have gift ideas for less fortunate children and people would take a card and go buy the gift for the child and thus make their lives a little better.  But one woman wouldn’t stand for it, not one bit.  She believed that it represented Christianity too much and that it shouldn’t be allowed in a school and her opinion was followed, so it was changed to “The Giving Counter.”  What a bitch.

 

Chris:  Ouch.

 

Jesus:  That’s right, I said it.  What a bitch.  People like that don’t deserve a time such as this, but we keep givin’ it to ‘em and I keep forgiving of them their sins just because I’m that freaking nice of a guy.

 

Chris:  And you don’t even get anything in return for it, do you?

 

Jesus:  I get a good deal of souls.  They aren’t worth much, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.

 

Chris:  Sadly I must be going.  I just wanted to stop by and say happy birthday.

 

Jesus:  That’s sweet.  No gift?

 

Chris:  …Um…my undying love..?

 

Jesus:  J. C. Penney doesn’t return that for store credit.  *sigh*  Fine, I’ll except it this year, but if you just give me the same thing next year don’t expect me to send you a Christmas card in the mail.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got many children to make happy.  (Dons a red hat and a red suit.) 

 

Chris:  Don’t tell me that you’re really Santa Claus?

 

Jesus:  That jerk?  Nah, he’s got a wicked hangover and I just care enough about kids to do him a favor.  And away I go~!

 

And with that Jesus disappeared into the night sky, not to return again until he was summoned once more, which wouldn’t be until Sunday mass.  And to all a good night.  Amen.

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Jesus and the Mustard Seeds

May 20, 2009 at 9:16 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  More time passed between writing the Jesus Conversations and eventually the order starts to fall apart from lack of memory and inclusion of events happening in my life.  At some point I wrote a very short Jesus Conversation as read here, but they would soon become larger again.  Until then, enjoy.

 

Chris:  So I’ve stumbled upon the secrets of the universe.

 

Jesus:  (Reading a newspaper while eating waffles).  Oh that’s nice.

 

Chris:  No no, for reals this time.

 

Jesus:  For rizzif?

 

Chris:  For rizzle fo shizzle even.

 

Jesus:  Well that’s pretty “dope,” or whatever you kids say nowadays.

 

Chris:  (Waiting briefly).  So then?

 

Jesus:  (Bit confused).  So what?

 

Chris:  Don’t you wanna know the secrets of the universe?

 

Jesus:  Um…I’m kinda Jesus H. Christ; I sorta already know those.

 

Chris:  Sure sure, but don’t you want to hear my take on them?

 

Jesus:  Not particularly.  Should I?

 

Chris:  Uh, yeah, because it’s airproof.  What’re your theories gonna consist of?  Mustard seeds?  Yeah, hah, like that’s gonna go over well.

 

Jesus:  Hey don’t underestimate the usefulness of the mustard seed.  Let me tell you a story-

 

Chris:  Does it involve mustard seeds?

 

Jesus:  Ye-no, no it doesn’t.  It involves a man who had far too much wealth for one lifetime to enjoy.

 

Chris:  How’d he acquire so much wealth?

 

Jesus:  He…well he was a good businessman.  Very charismatic, very ruthless.

 

Chris:  Good golfer?

 

Jesus:  Decent.  Anyway, for years and years all he did was accumulate wealth and then you know what happened at the end of his life?  (Chris shrugs).  N…no, you’ve gotta guess.

 

Chris:  He died?

 

Jesus:  Well yeah, but beyond that, do you know what happened?

 

Chris:  I have no clue.  I assume he went to Heaven, maybe?

 

Jesus:  No, the point is he couldn’t take all the wealth with him.  His immeasurable riches remained on Earth unspent because he didn’t have a family or friends or anything of the sort.

 

Chris:  What the hell sort of business was he in?

 

Jesus:  Mustard seeds.

 

Chris:  Aha!

 

Jesus:  Not important.  Didn’t you get the importance of the moral?

 

Chris:  Mustard seeds bad?

 

Jesus:  No, mustard seeds are good.  (Thinks to himself).  But only if you use them for noble intentions.  (Thinks some more).  And don’t plant them in rocks or sand.  That’d just be foolish.  (Looks back to Chris).  Are you getting any of this?

 

Chris:  (Dumbfounded).  Um, yes.  So anyway, my theory of the secrets of the universe…

 

Jesus:  Combo of the Big Bang and Evolution.

 

Chris:  W…what?

 

Jesus:  Oh I’m sorry, you had something different, right?

 

Chris:  Slightly…

 

Jesus:  Well then what was it?

 

Chris:  Mustard seeds?

 

Jesus:  Good answer!  I like it!  (Goes back to eating waffles and reading his newspaper).

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Jesus on Eclipse Star

May 20, 2009 at 9:12 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  Eventually in my writing of Eclipse Star, I felt I needed to make it clear exactly how silly I found a lot of it, especially my constant need for people to read it as it was written.  Thus, I turned to Jesus for his opinion on the matter.  The facts are roughly true as spoken here, in case anyone is curious.  Also, enjoy.

 

Jesus:  Chris, why’d you call me here?  You know I’m much too busy to listen to you if all you’re going to do is whine and complain.

Chris:  I know, I know, but I’m not here to complain.  I’ve got a real question to ask you.

Jesus:  (Sigh)  Okay Chris, you see, when a man and a woman, or sometimes a man and a prostitute, love each other very, very much and feel that the only way to express their love is through sex, we call this a “booty call” most of the time.

Chris:  No, different question.

Jesus:  Well I know someone asked me that question at one point or another…hmm.  Oh well, what was it you wanted to know?

Chris:  I want you to take a look at my story and tell me what you think.

Jesus:  Which one?

Chris:  Which story do I always talk about?

Jesus:  Well, you did bring up your idea for a sitcom called Knight Life about two knights that live in the Renaissance time period who travel around and totally don’t fit in with the time, and they also have a monk with them that’s always wasted that you’ve handily named “the Drunk Monk”.

Chris:  No, my other story.

Jesus:  You mean the movie screenplay with the tag line “How far would you go for closure?” and you’ve named it Closure and it’s all about seeking closure in relationships?  That one?

Chris:  No, the really long story.

Jesus:  Thus is Life?

Chris:  No.

Jesus:  My Buddy Jesus?

Chris:  No.

Jesus:  Lord of the Rings?

Chris:  I didn’t write that.

Jesus:  But it was pretty good.

Chris:  No, I’m talking about Eclipse Star.

Jesus:  Oh yeah, I think I might have heard about that from you once or twice…

Chris:  …

Jesus:  …a day.  Hah!  Snap, you got zinged.

Chris:  So have you read it yet?

Jesus:  I don’t know, I’ve been pretty busy lately…

Chris:  You’re in it.

Jesus:  Oh hey, yeah I’ll read it.  (Quickly reads chapters 1-12).  Hey wait a minute, I’m not in this at all.

Chris:  Well not yet at least.

Jesus:  You tricked me into thinking that I was in a part of the story just to get me to read it, didn’t you?

Chris:  Worked for Jack, didn’t it?

Jesus:  Oohoohoo, he’s gonna be pissed you said that.

Chris:  Seriously, you play a huge part in the story later on; I’ve got a lot to write still so give it time.  Same with Jack, same with every other character, except you get primetime space when it gets good.

Jesus:  When?

Chris:  End of part…8 I believe.  Yeah, that’s your best part, although part 2 and 3 are pretty good for you, plus you’re in the prequel story.

Jesus:  I get crucified don’t I?

Chris:  Oh good, so you’re familiar with the source material?

Jesus:  Smartass…

Chris:  So from what you’ve read, what do you think?

Jesus:  Interesting choice for a main character’s name.

Chris:  I’ve explained the meaning behind that; the name means “Christ Bearer.”

Jesus:  And yet I am nowhere to be seen in the story.

Chris:  You show up in the next few chapters.

Jesus:  Do I really?

Chris:  (Counts on his fingers).  Um…by chapter…20…at least.

Jesus:  Okay, so you named the main character after yourself.

Chris:  Yes.

Jesus:  And all the other characters off of people you know?

Chris:  Yes.

Jesus:  Who the heck is Leena?

Chris:  Doesn’t exist.

Jesus:  You’re not that creative, you already had to invent Syrus, who’d you base Leena on?

Chris:  Slightly skewed version of Emilee.

Jesus:  Aha, Emileena, I get it.  Okay, so if Leena is based off of Emilee, where’d you get Lindsey?

Chris:  She, however, really does not exist.  Sam just gave me the name; otherwise I’d still just be calling her The Love Interest.

Jesus:  Says here that she’s blonde…

Chris:  And Leena’s a brunette, what’s your point?

Jesus:  Hmm…well I don’t really care, I’m just asking because other people have already asked me.

Chris:  So anyways, what do you think of the story?

Jesus:  It does seem an awful lot like Dragonball Z.

Chris:  Is that a bad thing?

Jesus:  Well take a look at when you started creating the story.

Chris:  About seventh grade or so…your point?

Jesus:  You were obsessed with DBZ at that time; it’s easy to see why you wrote the story this way at least.

Chris:  It’s too much like DBZ, isn’t it?

Jesus:  I’m not the one that you should be asking; I don’t watch a whole lot of anything so I don’t know what else is out there to compare with.

Chris:  You do think it’s too much like DBZ, don’t you?!

Jesus:  Well of course it is, I wonder why.  (Points to Chris’ default picture of him pretending to fire a Kamehameha).

Chris:  You make an interesting point.  However, the action style is just temporary since I’m only going to be slightly in control of the final action, I’ll leave that up to the artist.

Jesus:  You’re gonna make ’em do it like DBZ, aren’t you?

Chris:  Well hellz yeah, because it’s awesome, haha!

Jesus:  Amazing that you’re still single, isn’t it?

Chris:  Anyway, back to the story…

Jesus:  I like it, but then again that’s what I tell everyone when they ask for my opinion, I’m just too non-confrontational to give decent reviews.

Chris:  What if Hitler asked you for your opinion about his book?

Jesus:  He did ask me actually.  He told me that I was a big part of his story as well.  All I could do was shake my head and walk away.

Chris:  How’d he take it?

Jesus:  Honestly, did you not pay attention in history class at all?

Chris:  Oh, right.

Jesus:  Just keep doing what you feel is right and don’t let anyone tell you differently.  That’s the best advice I can give you.  This story is the only thing that makes you all giddy thinking about it, other than girls you like, and there are so, so few of those anymore, so stick with it my friend and don’t lose hope.

Chris:  Which, the story or the girls?

Jesus:  You know, why not just have hope for both?  Couldn’t hurt, could it?

Chris:  I don’t know…

Jesus:  Have confidence once in a while; it comes in handy with one heck of a lot of things, including your two passions in life.  I had confidence and look where it got me.  Son of God, loved by millions, I can fly, can it get any better than this, I mean really?

Chris:  I think it’d be cool to have a motorcycle personally.

Jesus:  Well yeah, it’d be sweet, but auto insurance is ridiculous nowadays, stick with your jalopy.  And with that, I must be going.  Jesus, away!  (Flies away).

Chris:  Right.  Time to write chapter 13.

Trig:  (Smiling, sitting behind Chris).

Chris:  No dammit, Lindsey is not based off of you!

Trig:  So says you now!

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