Eclipse Star: Chapter 65
Recap: Last time, Joshua pitted the group against each other in a game of Hide n’ Sense, with Kyle technically coming out the victor (though Lindsey did in fact truly win). Directly after, Joshua had Chris power up to his max after everyone else did the same, showing them that the gap between their power and Chris’ has nearly closed. Derek, however, demonstrated that his own strength is far beyond Chris both previously and currently. As everyone wraps up the day, Chris decides not to inform them of Charles’ warning of an attack on the city.
-Chris, Derek, Austin, Danny, Willy, Kyle, and Kevin trek out to the woods with backpacks slung over their shoulders, intending to spend one Guy Night camping in the snow.
Kevin: Did you find out if your grandma was safe?
Chris: Yeah, I was told she got out of the house before Syrus even showed up, so as far as I know she’s safe but still somewhere where I don’t know where she is…or something like that.
Derek: Who told you that?
Chris: Just a neighbor near where her house was.
Derek: From what you say, it sounds like Jack just told you she was fine to calm you down.
Chris: I wouldn’t exactly say I’m calm, but I’m in no rush to bum around the city asking for questions.
Austin: I’m sure she’s fine. If she needs to stay hidden, then so be it. We’re all in the same boat here with Jack sending our parents off to who knows where. We’ll find them when this is all said and done, but if we go looking right now we’ll just put them at risk.
Chris: Right, exactly.
Derek: I still don’t like sitting on my hands like this.
Danny: We’re not sitting on our hands, Derek. We’re going camping!
Chris: Couldn’t convince the others to come with us?
Austin: Nah, they’re tired or girls or Jack, so we’ll just let them chill while we get a night away from it all.
Kyle: Could I point out that being this far north, we can’t be much more away from it all?
Kevin: How far do we want to go before setting camp?
Derek: Further. I’ll decide when it feels right.
Chris: Hey, no complaints here, as long as we’re not just going up and over the peak or something.
Austin: What, you’re not up for a little rock climbing?
Chris: No heights.
Willy: Uh, you can fly, right?
Willy: So what’s up with the whole heights thing?
Chris: I’ve just never particularly been a fan.
Derek: I’ll remember that next time I have to fight you. “Chris does not like heights.” Should come in handy.
Chris: You try rawking me through another building like that crap you pulled a while ago and I’ll punch your dick off.
Chris: That’s right. Not just punch, punch it off. With an uppercut that tears it off.
Derek: Gonna have to be a big uppercut.
Austin: Oh whatever, I’ve seen you in the locker room; you’re no bigger than everyone else.
Derek: You can’t judge off a shower-look. That doesn’t count.
Kyle: I gotta side with Derek here. The shower causes shrinkage.
Danny: Yeah, besides, you gotta let it…you know…
Chris: Danny, stop right there, because we don’t need to go any further. New topic.
Derek: So you and Lindsey.
Chris: Newer topic.
Austin: So Kyle and Leena.
Kyle: Hey whoa now, who said anything about Kyle and Leena? She’s totally a b-, uh, well, she’s, well you know.
Derek: Go ahead and say it Kyle. Say she’s a bitch. Go ahead, I dare you.
Kyle: Nah, that’s okay. Besides, that’s not important. Mostly, she doesn’t like me.
Kevin: Actually, I’ve heard her talking with Lindsey about you.
Kyle: Whoa really, seriously? Good stuff?
Kevin: Well not really anything specifically, just bringing your name up.
Austin: Oh ho, that’s good stuff. Girls don’t just name-drop without meaning to.
Willy: Yeah, I’ve got to agree. Every girl I’ve dated mentioned my name to Danny multiple times before I actually asked her out.
Danny: It was a good system while it lasted. I just, you know, wish they would have talked about me more…
Austin: That’s because the girls that liked you were talking to me.
Danny: They were? Why didn’t you tell me?
Austin: Because I didn’t think you’d like them. They were cheerleader types, real shallow and boring.
Danny: But hot?
Danny: Oh. Uh, thank you?
Willy: Soon as we get home Danny we’ll go find you someone to your liking.
Danny: Exceptionally hot?
Kevin: You know, there’s a lot more to women than just looks.
Derek: Yeah, you’ve got to be careful that they don’t have a personality or something. Ruined so many relationships when I learned she had a personality and mind of her own.
Kevin: No that’s, that’s not what I meant.
Chris: Oh come on, you’re telling me you guys don’t like girls with some personality?
Danny: We’re talking about boobs, right?
Kyle: Ooh, I agree, big personalities are a must.
Chris: Whatever, I’m with Kevin here.
Austin: Chris, dude, it’s just us guys up here.
Chris: Oh yeah. (Looks around). You seen how much Lindz nips up here? Holy jeez.
Kevin: (Facepalm). I don’t know how I fit in with you children.
Austin: So we’re back on the topic of Lindz, huh?
Chris: Nope, slight oversight, newerest topic. Anybody figured out how toowAAAH~!
-The ground under Chris’ feet suddenly gives out as he falls into a cavern.
Austin: Whoa, Chris!
-The others rush over to the hole and crowd around.
Austin: (Yelling in). Chris! Are you okay down there?!
Chris: (Yelling back up from a distance). Yeah, I’m okay!
Kevin: Chris! What can you see around you?!
Chris: Um, there’s some dude dressed like a candy cane down here.
Kyle: Whoa seriously?
Austin: Alright, Chris, we’ll get something to pull you out of the hole, alright?! (Looks around). Guys, help me find something.
-The others nod and begin looking as Derek rolls his eyes and floats down the hole after Chris.
Austin: Oh right, we have flight now.
-Everyone jumps down the hole and lands next to Chris. They take a look around before responding.
-The group finds themselves looking at a massive ice cavern completely lit up from light bouncing around all the ice crystals. The cavern seems to be endless in scope.
Kyle: It’s like some stronghold of isolation or something down here.
Austin: No kidding.
Chris: How far back does this go?
Austin: Beats me. (Shrugs). Well, let’s go check it out.
Chris: What? I thought we were camping.
Austin: We are. Spelunking is totally a part of camping. Now are you guys coming or what?
-Austin is already walking off by himself. Everyone else utters agreements and runs to catch up with him.
* * * * *
-Morning has hit as the group at the Lodge finally wakes up.
Lindsey: (Groggily coming down the stairs with Leena). Oy, I could use a lot more sleep right about now.
Leena: We totally should. I mean, it’s not like we have anything to do today.
Lindsey: Yeah, but then I’ll feel like we just wasted a whole morning.
Scott: (Walking in between them). Ladies, I’m glad I found you both in such good moods this morning because I have a proposition for you. You both seem to be great friends and that’s important for what I’m about to say.
Lindsey: Showers. That’s what we forgot.
Leena: Right. Long showers.
Scott: Hey, I’m down for whatever.
Jack: (Coming down the stairs). Scott, leave my girlfriend and my girlfriend’s friend alone, please.
Scott: Fine. Hey anyone seen that Grid chick lately? (Walks away).
* * * * *
-Back at the ice cavern, the group looks tired and their clothes have been torn in places.
Kyle: (Yawning). Dude, how long have we been searching?
Chris: Um, at this point? I lost track.
Kevin: I’d say by now it’s morning.
Austin: But man, wasn’t last night SWEET?!
Kyle: Yeah, that’s one adventure I’m not gonna forgot for a while.
Derek: For a while there even I thought we weren’t making it out alive.
Danny: Oh man, no one’s gonna believe us though!
Willy: That’s the shame of it. I guess they’ll never know what happened.
-Everyone looks at the camera and winks.
-They suddenly step into a room full of weaponry of all sorts. Swords, axes, blades, knives, and all forms of weapons shimmer the entire room, stuck into the walls.
Derek: What the hell is this stuff doing down here?
Austin: I have no clue, but AWESOME!
-Austin runs up to the wall and starts look it up and down.
Kevin: (Inspecting some swords). They had to be down here for years, but they don’t look rusty.
Chris: Maybe the ice preserved them?
Danny: Well I wanna take something back.
-Danny reaches for a halberd and gets a jolt that throws him across the room.
Danny: Oh ow.
Derek: What just happened?
Danny: I don’t know but I don’t want anything anymore.
Derek: Or maybe you’re just a pussy.
-Derek walks over to a really large battle-axe and gets the same sort of jolt that hit Danny, sending Derek across the room as well.
Willy: Maybe we shouldn’t touch these?
Chris: Yeah maybe…(Starts looking around the room, his eyes darting wildly).
Derek: What’s the point of a room full of weapons if you can’t use ‘em?! (Angrily smacks something else and gets thrown across the room once more).
Austin: Bummer. I guess it’ll just be one of those great mysteries.
Chris: Wait a minute. (Walks up to the wall and looks up a ways). That one.
Derek: What one?
Chris: That one’s different from the rest. (Points). Everything else is stuck into the walls point-first, that sword’s the only thing with the handle jammed into the wall.
Kyle: So go grab it if you’re so smart.
Derek: It’s pointed outward; he’ll slice his hand if he does that.
-Chris grabs an ice chunk and hits the sword, losing his balance in the process.
-He lands on his back with a thud. The sword comes loose and thunks right above his head.
-All the other weapons randomly fall off the wall and clatter around everyone.
Kyle: Wow, well that seemed to work.
-Chris picks up his new sword and looks it over a bit. It has a blue tint to it with a handle that’s hilt curves out on both sides.
-As he’s looking over his sword and everyone else is going about checking out weapons, four new people walk into the hall.
Iess: The hell are you guys doing here?
-Everyone stops for a second, curious as to what to do next.
Kyle: Were these…where these your private stash of weapons or something?
Job: No, they aren’t ours. I assume they’re for whoever wants them.
Grid: That’s a nice sword there, Chris.
Chris: Thanks, I guess.
Austin: You’ve got to give it a name.
Grid: Yeah he’s right, swords need a name. Make it a girl’s name.
Chris: Okay. I’ll call it…Rachel.
Derek: What is it with you and the fascination behind that name?
Kyle: Hey, least it’s not Lindsey? Eh?
Kyle: Now am I right or am I right?
Fox: I don’t mean to be a bother but I don’t advise staying here for long.
Derek: Why? What have you guys been doing?
Iess: Not your business, but he’s right, we should leave.
Austin: Alright guys, you heard the man. Grab some gear and let’s split.
-Chris looks over some weapons and picks up a pair of elbow blades that look similar to his new sword.
Derek: What’re those things?
Chris: Elbow blades.
Derek: I thought you had your sword.
Chris: I do. It’s just, well, Lindz would have really loved this, so I figured I’d grab her something nice.
Derek: What good can elbow blades do?
Chris: She’s Lindz; she’ll figure something cool.
Grid: Weapons as a girl gift? Really?
Chris: Lindz isn’t a girl; She’s Lindz.
Grid: Well, I bet she’ll like ‘em then.
Kyle: Girls like weapons? Oh man. (He looks around the floor for something cool and throws it into his backpack).
Iess: Let’s move.
* * * * *
-Back at the Lodge, the other group sits around the TV watching whatever’s on. Glitch is in charge of the remote.
Clinton: Turn back, that looked good.
Leena: There’s nothing good on.
Lindsey: Hold up, go back there. What was that?
-Glitch switches the channel back to see the news.
Jack: Channel 70 News?
Lindsey: I kind of like them.
Jack: Well, you’re special.
Lindsey: (Smiles). Don’t be a jerk.
-The news report starts with the two anchors looking disheveled and tired.
Diana: Good evening, I’m (cough), excuse me, I’m Diana Miranda.
Dave: And I’m Dave Trenton. This is tonight’s news.
Diana: Afternoon news.
Diana: Afternoon news. It’s not evening yet.
Dave: Holy crap, we do an afternoon newscast now?
Diana: I do every day, but you’re usually too drunk to get here on time.
Dave: Yeah, well, after that crazy shit we went through yesterday, I’m surprised you’re not drunk right now, too.
Diana: Dave! We’re going live! No cursing!
Dave: Hell damn fart, this is the news. (Shuffles papers). Trillium’s Central Mall is back open for regular business now, or at least the west half is. The east half is still under construction, so that means it’s not really worth wasting time shopping just yet.
Diana: Dave, Trillium Central Mall is one of our very, very few sponsors.
Dave: Oh, alright, go buy some expensive shit from the mall then.
Dave: In other news, Zanretha’s president suffered some controversy when we all learned he was messing around behind his wife’s back.
Dave: Right, allegedly. (Shakes his head and mouths “nope”).
Diana: President Giftavelli’s official statement was that the woman people saw him with in public is actually his assistant and not an adulteress. We would have the footage from the full interview, but our cameras were unfortunately, um, they’ve suffered some recent technical difficulties.
Dave: Too bad, the real news stays quiet today. Johnny, how’s the weather out there?
Johnny: Well Dave, using the data I’ve collected from my weather balloons and a very reliable fortune cookie, I’d say there is a very good chance of precipitation. Also, “He who plans too far ahead plans his own funeral.” Now that’s a forecast if I ever heard one. Partly cloudy. Back to you guys.
Diana: Thank you, Johnny.
Johnny: Oh, and Sam has breaking news by the way.
Diana: He does?
Johnny: I just know these things.
Diana: Alright then, thank you again, Johnny.
Sam: Dave, Diana, are you there?
Diana: (Holding her earpiece). Oh, Sam, yes, we’re here.
Sam: I have some breaking news to report! Also, Frank fixed our camera.
Dave: Hey that’s good news.
Diana: Alright, we go live to Sam the Go-To Guy. Sam, where are you?
–Scene cuts to Sam standing in the middle of the city.
Sam: Hey everyone, it’s me, Sam, and I’m here on this random street in Trillium City.
Dave: Why Sam?
Sam: Because I have a really good feeling that some sort of news is about to happen.
Diana: (Defeated). Oh, I thought you had breaking news.
Sam: I do. I mean, I will, in just a few minutes. Uh, how are you guys doing?
Diana: Sam, we’re okay, but we’ll get back to you when something happens okay?
Sam: No wait, I’m totally serious here. Frank, tell them how serious I am.
Frank: (From behind the camera). No way dude, this is your thing. I just hold the camera.
Sam: Oh, well alright Dave, Diana, I’ll cut back to you guys in the studio I g-
-Things start rumbling and Sam drops his mic.
Sam: Oh no, no! Where’d it go?
Frank: Whoa, you see that guys?
-Dave and Diana in the studio squint at the small monitor they have, trying to get a good look at what Frank’s shooting.
-The group in the Lodge does the same thing.
Dave: The hell is that?
Sam: (Finding his mic and standing back up). Alright, I’m sorry for that. I’m not sure what could have-
Frank: Turn around dude.
-Sam turns around and sees an army of Hex-Duo robots marching down the street.
-The group at the Lodge freak out.
Lindsey: Jack! How?!
Jack: I don’t know.
Sam: Ladies and gentlemen it appears that there is an…army I suppose, of what may or may not be r-, Frank, do those look like robots?
Frank: Shit dude, this ain’t worth it.
-Frank drops the camera and bolts, letting the camera drop to a position where only Sam’s feet are shown.
-Sam bends down to get in the camera’s view.
Sam: Hey Dave, I think we’ve got another problem down here…
-The robots begin firing on the buildings.
Sam: AH! Dave! I might have to send it back to you guys in a minute here!
Dave: Sam, no, you’re staying out there, alright? Remain calm and don’t let them smash the-
-The robots advance and throw Sam out of the way, stomping the camera as they go.
Diana: It seems we’re experiencing some more technical difficulties, eh, hah. (Awkwardly laughing to herself).
Dave: (Getting up). Stall or something. Johnny, let’s go.
Johnny: (Excited). Scabbity-doobity!
-They take off as Diana looks nervously at the camera.
Diana: Uh, in other news…
-The station goes down.
Leena: Glitch, change to another station!
Glitch: I’m trying! It’s not on anywhere else! All the news stations are down!
-Glitch continues trying to click through but nothing’s coming up.
Jack: Damnit, they’re attacking the city but they don’t want to give any warning!
Clinton: Glitch, can you patch into hardware?
Glitch: Yeah, I did it a few months ago when the Octa Rangers challenged us.
Clinton: Can you patch in from here?
Leena: What good would that do?
Scott: Street cams, I see what you’re thinking. They’ve got them placed everywhere. Patch into the city’s DMV computers and you should have full vision of the city.
Jack: That’s a good idea.
Glitch: Yeah, I should be able to do that.
Lindsey: We need the others. Why aren’t they back?
Jack: Someone go get Josh.
Leena: I’m on it.
-She gets up and runs out of the room.
-Lindsey, too, jumps up and runs out the door.
Jack: Lindz! Where’re you going?!
-Lindsey runs out into the snow a ways and plants herself, cranking her Pulse energy as high as possible.
-The group out in the woods suddenly stops in their tracks.
Chris: Whoa, guys, something’s up.
Danny: That’s Lindsey!
Austin: Then let’s go!
-They take off at full speed and rush back to the Lodge.
Lindsey: C’mon guys…
Austin: Lindz! What’s up?!
-She stops charging her energy as the rest of the team shows up, the four irregulars included.
Derek: The hell are you so worried about?
Lindsey: Quick, come inside.
-She turns and runs into the Lodge. Everyone else follows.
-When they get to the TV room, Joshua is sitting next to everyone while Glitch continues messing with the TV inputs.
Glitch: We getting anything yet?
Scott: Nope. Still static.
Joshua: Willy, go help him, please.
Willy: Sure. What’re we trying to do?
Derek: And what’s happening.
Iess: They’re attacking, aren’t they?
Lindsey: How’d you know about the Hex-Duo coming back?
Kyle: They’re back?!
Austin: That’s impossible; Chris totaled ‘em.
Clinton: Apparently they built more.
Willy: Try it now.
Glitch: (His eyes go fuzzy for a second). Got it!
-The TV comes up now that Glitch is patched into the traffic cams. After switching between a couple, they see an army of Hex-Duo robots marching the streets, shooting at buildings as they go.
Grid: I don’t understand; this wasn’t supposed to happen so soon.
Fox: Apparently it is.
Derek: How do you guys know about this?
Fox: We’ve been monitoring Charles Robotics for some time now.
Lindsey: That where you’ve been?
Grid: More or less.
Kevin: What do we do?
-All eyes turn to Chris.
Derek: Excuse me?
Chris: We don’t do anything.
Lindsey: Chris, you can’t be serious.
Chris: Why? We’ve got a pretty good life up here free from all of this, so why should we give it up?
Austin: If they take Trillium, they take Zanretha.
Chris: So let them! What does it matter who sits in power? We’re still outlaws by all accounts.
Jack: That’s not true. The Legion was being controlled by Octavious but those ties have been severed.
Scott: How do you know that?
Fox: I can assure you, we’ve made sure The Legion is run from the inside once again.
Kyle: Well good for you, but does that mean they’re fighting robots in our place like they should be?
Kevin: We should be out there. They’re trying to draw us out. Isn’t it obvious? Octavious is angry and he wants us to fight again.
Chris: I’m not playing this game anymore. I’m done.
Austin: And what do we do? Just sit here?
Chris: I don’t rule you guys.
Iess: Yes, you do.
Chris: No, I don’t.
Lindsey: (Piecing things together). You knew this would happen, didn’t you?
Chris: Why do you say that?
Lindsey: When you came back, who did you say you talked to?
Chris: A neighbor.
Lindsey: Glitch, switch the patch to Chris’ street.
-The camera takes a few moments and shifts to show the Charles Robotics building, Hex-Duo robots pouring out into the streets.
Austin: (Almost in disbelief). You lied to us?
Chris: No! I didn’t lie to anyone!
Derek: You told us you didn’t find anything.
Chris: Charles gave me his word that my grandma was okay; that was all he said!
Derek: Wait a minute; you spoke with the head guy?
Chris: Very briefly.
Kevin: Chris, what happened? Please, we need to know.
Chris: He…I was attacked by a group of Hex-Duo robots before Charles offered us a way out. All we’d have to do was sit this week out and it’d all be over.
-Everyone seems astonished. Joshua stands up without saying a word, shaking his head, and leaves the room.
Lindsey: So what’s the point of everything we’ve done? Hmm? Has the last year been a total waste?
Chris: To me? Yeah, it has. I thought you wanted out just as badly as I did.
Lindsey: Not like this. Not this. (She motions to the traffic cams as Glitch cycles through them, showing attacks on every screen change).
Chris: I didn’t know it’d be this bad…
Iess: Well, it is.
Chris: I’m sorry…I just, I’m not the decision maker. Jack, if you say they go, then they’ll go.
Jack: I’m in no position to issue demands anymore. Not until my legs are healed.
Derek: Chris might still have a point.
Leena: Oh great, now he’s ready to give up?
Derek: Hey, I’m not giving up, but that’s an entire army of Hex-Duo out there. I say we let this run its course and strike when they aren’t expecting it. We head out right now and we’re doing exactly what they want.
Leena: Since when are you not impulsive?
Derek: Since they sent a whole army of robots when half a dozen nearly killed us.
Austin: That was months ago. We’re stronger now.
Clinton: Plus, we don’t even know if these are the same model. If they could have built an army to begin with, why didn’t they?
Willy: Maybe they didn’t have the plans worked out?
Glitch: No, it was the cost. The power cells in each Hex-Duo model set Octavious back millions, so they could only fund ten of us.
Austin: See? These aren’t the same robots.
Lindsey: Oh God. Stop the camera.
-Glitch stops cycling the camera, focusing on a lone figure slowly approaching the group marching down the street.
-The robots stop momentarily.
Chris: (He finally looks at the screen). Grandma…?
Jack: Can you give us audio?
-Everyone in the room remains silent.
-Barbara continues walking slowly up to the Hex-Duo robots.
-One of them steps forward.
Barbara: (Sorrowful). Charles, tell me you’re not behind this.
Hex-Duo Robot: (Speaking in Charles’ voice). Barb, you’re not supposed to be here!
Barbara: Stop this. Stop this! It’s not worth it! I’m not worth this!
Hex-Duo Robot: I only have override command for another thirty seconds, Barb, please, get out of here!
-The Hex-Duo robot steps forward and grabs Barbara by the shoulders, pleading with her.
Hex-Duo Robot: (Equally sorrowful). I can’t stop Octavious. This is his final push and I can’t stop it.
Barbara: You have to try.
Hex-Duo Robot: I can’t. I’m so sorry…
-The robot seems to power down, dropping to its knees.
-It stands back up, speaking in a normal robotic voice again.
Hex-Duo Robot: Primary functions reinstated.
-The army of Hex-Duo immediately begins advancing on Barbara, gun-arms drawn.
-They begin firing energy blasts at Barbara, enveloping her in a continuous explosion.
-Chris’ legs start to give out as Austin and Kyle catch him.
Austin: Come on man, stay with us.
-The smoke clears as Barbara remains standing. She looks around while the robots seem confused, unsure why she isn’t dead.
-The camera goes instantly goes dead as Barbara does…something.
Lindsey: Chris, what do we do?
-Once more, all eyes are on Chris.
Chris: We go to war.
To Be Continued…
*Author’s note: For the final episode, I had planned to pull out all the stops, though technical difficulties ravaged us like no other. Literally, we turned in the episode at the last possible second, though we weren’t able to include the sound effects for Sam’s scene, an aspect I regretted both then and now as it nearly ruined the episode completely. However, the heartfelt end was where we left it, and on I went to write Game Studs.
Channel 70 News Episode 6
Written by Chris Pranger
(New intro of the Channel 70 News Team logo scribbled on a piece of notebook paper or something of that nature with someone “doot-doot-dooing” behind it. Camera pulls back and Johnny is holding the piece of paper. As soon as the camera catches him he runs off frightened).
Diana: Good evening everyone. I’m Diana Miranda. (Turns to Dave, basically defeated). And who are you tonight?
Dave: Oh please, I’m great. You know that.
Diana: And these are some…news stories for the evening.
Dave: What’s the point?
Diana: Dave, just because we’re the last place news team doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still try.
Dave: Actually it kinda does.
Diana: Well I don’t care what you think anymore.
Dave: Yeah ya do.
Diana: Here’s tonight’s news. (Looks at her notes briefly). Today, there was a small disturbance on the Washington turnpike when 30 tons of C-4 fell off a truck and onto a local elementary school south of exit 3. We now go live to Johnny Jenson in the Channel 70 News copter. Johnny, how is traffic looking down there?
Johnny: (Still image of Johnny smiling and giving a thumbs-up with Johnny’s voice-over). Hey guys, Johnny here, and I’m in a helicopter!
Diana: That’s great Johnny, but can you tell us what the traffic’s looking like?
Johnny: Certainly! I’m seeing some heavy congestion right around where the initial explosion took place, mostly because everyone wants to see what a flaming elementary school looks like.
Dave: What does it look like?
Johnny: What do you think it looks like? It looks like Dwight Eisenhower driving a snowmobile backwards through the Bermuda Triangle, by which I mean ABSOLUTELY FREAKING CRAZY.
Diana: Were any of the kids injured?
Johnny: Luckily no. I know I know, I’m surprised too; usually I’d think that 30 tons of C-4 would have hurt someone but these kids are troopers.
Diana: Thank you Johnny.
Johnny: Oh no, it seems that the Batmobile has shown up and it’s out of control! Ahhh!
Dave: (Batmobile flies past Dave’s face). Oh Jesus…
Johnny: (Camera zooms out and shows that Johnny is sitting next to Diana with a headset on, playing with toy cars). What? (Sees the camera and panics). Oh no! (Runs out of the shot, then quickly back in with a piece of paper, then back out again).
Diana: (Reads the piece of paper). Oh, it seems we have some breaking news. Our very own Sam the Go-To guy has found himself stationed…in Iraq.
Dave: How the hell did we send him to Iraq?
Diana: I don’t know; Sam, can you hear us?
Sam: (Standing in front of the green screen, by which I mean an Iraqi battlefield. All manner of war noises are going on. Seriously Brad, go nuts with them). Hi Dave, hi Diana. It’s hard to hear all of you, a bomb went off a few feet from my ear and some shrapnel has lodged itself in the back of my neck. I’m a little worried.
Dave: Sam, how’s the war look?
Sam: What? How the hell do you think it looks Dave?! It’s a war! A WAR! Bombs! Boom! Guns! Rat-tat-tat-tat! Tanks! WADOOM! I could literally die at any second!
Dave: So we’re winning?
Sam: Um…(Turns around to look at the battlefield and shrugs). It’s hard to tell really. I asked an Iraqi civilian and he shot me in the knee, so then I asked an American solider and he shot me in the other knee, and then I asked Geraldo Rivera and he laughed and shot me in the back of both my knees. I tell you Dave, if I hadn’t already had both my legs amputated during a previous live report at the Nixon Thunderdome, then this trip would have been miserable. (Hears a radio communication from off-screen). What? Really? Dave, Diana, it seems that they’re ordering an air strike on my exact location, and I do mean EXACT LOCATION, so I’m gonna have to send it back to you guys in the studio.
Diana: (Back in the studio). Thank you Sam.
Sam: (Back in Iraq. A horrible whistling noise is heard from overheard. Sam looks up in response). Oh dear.
Dave: (Back in the studio again). Meh, he’ll be fine. (Sound effect of a nuke or something. After the sound effect ends, Johnny runs up and hands Dave another piece of paper very enthusiastically. Dave reads it). What? Johnny, is this real? (Johnny nods fiercely). Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that there was a news conference going on in the elementary school that was wiped out earlier today, and every other news team in the area has been obliterated, which by a freak coincidence makes us…the area’s number one news team!
Diana: Oh my God!
Dave: Let’s kick this pony! Channel 70 News Team unite! (Johnny runs into the scene as Dave and Diana stand up from their chairs, the three high-five to a freeze frame).
Frank: (All of his narration will be done to still images. Also, he’ll be talking with a country-drawl). Yep, so that’s the story of the Channel 70 News Team. (Still image of Diana). Diana Miranda went on to become a pop sensation in Japan following her leaving the program. She’s happily married and has three sons, all of which are named Dave. (Still image of Dave). David Trenton ran for president down the line, winning in a landslide against George W. Bush Jr. the 3rd. Sadly, he did nothing but abuse his power and was soon shot in the face by himself after claiming he was God. He’s okay though, and still berates Diana to this day. (Image of Johnny). Jonathon Jenson went on to replace Kelly Rippa on Regis and Kelly, and then soon replaced Regis as well, becoming the first TV personality to host a show where he talked to himself for an hour straight. He has won thirteen Emmys and a Grammy. (Image of Sam). Samuel Spitz did not die in Iraq, but lived a long life as a result of months of reconstructive surgery using bio-mechanics. He now patrols the Northwest as a vigilante known only as “Los Spitz”. (Camera finally pulls back and shows Frank, sitting in a rocking chair with either a banjo or an acoustic guitar). And me? Well I’m just a humble camera man who was content to enjoy my music and roll with what the world gave me, which turned out to be one hell of an inheritance. And now you know the whole story. It was good while it lasted, and its legend shall live on forever. Y’all take care now. (Begins playing his instrument as the credits roll and the camera pulls back further).
End of Channel 70 News
*Author’s Note: For this epsiode there is a joke about Dave suggesting a news story that involves him giving a cigarette to a child that’s he’s doing ollies over on a skateboard. This is a direct reference to something else that happened that week in another segment. Someone else’s segment had been cut due to showing footage of a skateboarder doing ollies over a child. Everyone was massively confused by the choice, but as it turns out, showing children in danger was something we weren’t allowed to do. How odd.
Channel 70 News Episode 5
Written by Chris Pranger
Opening: We’ll be using the “Behind Channel 70” intro again.
Diana: (In the interview position). The creative process involved with doing the nightly news can be pretty strenuous at times, but I think that it’s all worth it in the end.
Setting: The EMU meeting room, wherever that actually is. Basically a boardroom. The cast is all sitting around the table with notepads and writing utensils.
Dave: Alright everyone, we’re all tired and hung-over at this point, so let’s just get through this brainstorming meeting and go pass out again, okay? So first order of business-
Diana: Um, Dave, shouldn’t we take role to make sure everyone’s here?
Dave: No, moving on-
Diana: Well I’m here Dave, just in case you were wondering. (Laughs).
Dave: No one cares. So first order of business, we need a decent news story to start out with. I’m thinking that we just show footage of me drinking while doing ollies over a child, whom I’ve given a cigarette to, all while cursing and giving sound advice on how to kill yourself.
Diana: Uh…Dave, I don’t think that’s anywhere near appropriate content…
Dave: Don’t care. (Turns to Johnny). Johnny, what’ve you got?
Johnny: (Fiercely coloring with crayons). Huh? (Stops coloring and holds up his drawing). I’ve got a duck! (Looks at his drawing, he states very matter-of-factly). It is green.
Dave: So you’ve got nothing then.
Johnny: No, I’ve got a duck.
Dave: Sam, what about you?
Sam: Well Dave, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m wondering if I can maybe just stay in the studio this week and give a commentary piece?
Dave: Nope. I’m assigning you the gun show.
Sam: Gun show?
Diana: Oh right, isn’t that the good-will gun show for reformed convicts?
Sam: (Begins to get worried). Eeeee…
Dave: Perfect, that counts as us caring for the day.
Sam: WAIT! (Trying to think of a way out of this). I can’t do the story! Because…because I’m morally opposed to guns!
Dave: And I’m morally opposed to dumb-asses but I see them every day. So you’re covering the gun show.
Diana: Dave, I’ve got a good story idea.
Dave: It doesn’t involve your hair does it?
Diana: No, it involves some real hard hitting news coverage.
Dave: Not interested, don’t care.
Diana: Dave, please just hear me out.
Dave: (Checks his watch). Speak fast.
Diana: (Gets excited). Okay, so I was thinking of doing a news package about the restoration of the Lincoln Playhouse in the theatre district and how it’s a landmark to both this city and culture in general. What do you think?
Dave: It sucks.
Diana: But I-
Dave: Nope, sucks. (Practically sings to himself). Sucks sucks sucks. It sucks. (Looks to Johnny). Johnny?
Johnny: Hahaha, suck!
Dave: (Looks to Sam). Sam?
Sam: (Worried). Um…
Dave: (Glares). Say it…
Sam: Ahh! It sucks!
Dave: See Diana? The consensus is: it sucks. (Turns to Johnny again). Johnny, any idea what weather’s going to be like this week?
Johnny: (Hardly looking up from his coloring). Probably fire in there somewhere…maybe with a Phoenix…
Diana: Now Johnny, you’ve been doing an awful lot of weather reports that relate to fire. Why don’t you just report on the real weather for a change?
Dave: (Patronizing her even further). Well now, Diana, that’s not really a fair question. I mean, Johnny has every right to ask you why you don’t just stop being a whore for a while, but he’s been kind enough to draw his duck instead of being a whiny bitch.
Diana: (Snaps). That’s it! I’m tired of you berating me every single day Dave! I don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially not from a narcissistic bastard who has no friends and no future and who wouldn’t be missed if he turned up dead the next morning! I’m sick of it Dave and I’m not putting up with it! You can burn in Hell for all I care!
Dave: (Taken aback). Diana…you’ve never spoken to me like that before. (Seems sincere). I’ve never been more attracted to you.
Diana: (Also taken aback). R…really? (So hopeful).
Dave: (Instantly back to his old self, yelling in her face). NOPE! (Turns back to the others). Alright, so if we’ve got no further business this meeting is adjourned. (The others get up and start to leave).
Diana: (Still in shock). But…but…
Dave: (Leaving). Down the road, not across the street.
Diana: (Back in the interview position). Yep…it can be strenuous at times… (Looks directly at the camera and accentuates her words). Every single night…
End of Episode
*Author’s Note: When filming the actual fight sequence from the episode, we didn’t think twice about the desk we were so readily hurling ourselves over. In actuality, the desk had gone through tons of costly repairs and as such, our monkey business would not be tolerated. We were able to get away with airing most of the sequence, save for the completely improvised ending when JT runs into the scene andthrows himself onto teh desk, tipping it over. We thought this was probably as good as the show would ever get, but we were forced to cut the end with JT flying over the desk when we aired it for braodcast. However, the Youtube version is still in tact with the original footage, desk flipping and everything.
Channel 70 News Episode 4
Voice Over: And now it’s time for the Northwest’s…um…news team. It’s Channel 70 News. With Diana Miranda and Dave Trenton.
Diana: Good evening everyone. I’m Diana Miranda and the one passed out to my left is Dave Trenton.
Dave: (Facedown on the news desk. He holds up a bottle). And this is tonight’s news~!
Diana: Tonight, frequent power outages have been ravaging the city due to an unknown power serge, possibly caused by global warming.
Dave: That’s a lie…
Diana: Boy Dave, it sure is dark out there. Will you be a gentleman and walk me home tonight?
Dave: Will you still love me in the morning?
Diana: Ah…in other news-
Trent: (Voice from off camera). I’ll be taking it from here.
Dave: (His head comes slowly up from his desk). No…
Trent: (Walks into the shot). Long time, no see Dave.
Dave: Trent Davison. We used to be rivals all the way back at Chester A. Arthur Public School. What do you want?
Trent: You’re old news Dave. I’m replacing you as the new head anchor.
Dave: You sure you wanna try that? (Stands up from his anchor desk, ready for a fight).
Diana: Um…Johnny, how’s the weather looking?
Johnny: Diana, I’ve figured out the source of all the blackouts. It’s coming from time portals opening up all over the place! That’s right, rips in space and time have begun forming and there’s nothing we can do to stop them. So because of this, we’ll be re-experiencing the weather of 1964. Partly cloudy. Back to you guys.
Trent: (Back in the studio, Trent has taken the seat to the right of Diana). Thank you Johnny.
Dave: Don’t you thank him! He’s my weatherman, not your weatherman! Now get outta here!
Trent: No I don’t think I’ll be doing that, Dave.
Diana: (Is handed a piece of paper). Oh my, Dave, uh, Trent, uh…we have some breaking news! Our very own Sam the Go-To Guy has somehow fallen into one of these time holes that have opened up around the city. Sam, can you hear us?
Sam: (Sam looks very terrified as he’s standing near some woods). Hi Dave, hi Diana. I don’t know quite how this happened…but I’ve fallen into one of these time holes and now…well now I’ve been transported back through time.
Trent: Sam, can you tell us the time period that you’ve landed in? (Dave glares at him).
Sam: Um…it seems like I’m in the prehistoric ages here, what with the dinosaurs everywhere and scary birds and OH GOD, (ducks), that was a close one. (Looks back and sees a caveman that looks identical to Johnny, who comes into view from the distance and runs up to Sam)…uh…it looks like one of the natives has taken an interest in me…
Dave: (Squints off camera). Hey that looks kinda like…that guy looks like Johnny.
Diana: Yeah, he kinda does.
Johnny: (From off camera). OH MY GOD! (Runs into the camera shot). SAM! Can you hear me?!
Sam: Johnny? Is that you?
Johnny: Sam! You must be very, very careful not to touch anything while you’re there, or else you could destroy the future!
Sam: Touch nothing? (The caveman is looking Sam up and down, coming rather close to touching him).
Johnny: Especially not him!
Sam: (Sam randomly sneezes on the caveman’s face, to which it responds by freaking out and beating him with his club). Ah! I’m sorry! Back to you guys in the studio!
Trent: Thank you Sam.
Diana: (Johnny’s red tie is now blue). Hey Johnny…weren’t you just wearing a red tie?
Johnny: (Looks down). OH MY GOD! History has changed itself! We’re all gonna die! (Flips out and runs away).
Trent: You know Diana, I’d be more than willing to take you home after this.
Dave: (This is too much). You son of a bitch! (Punches Trent. Trent punches back. They both roll out onto the studio floor where the camera pans to them on the ground wrestling around).
Trent: (The camera has shifted to an angle that shows only Dave and Trent. At this point, Trent has successfully pinned Dave to the ground and is proceeding to choke him to death). At last! I shall succeed in destroying my arch nemesis! David Trenton, you are no more! (Gunshot noise, Trent gets hit from behind and slumps over, dead).
Diana: (Camera back to the anchor desk. Diana is holding a handgun. She quickly puts the gun away and smiles again for the camera). Well that’s all the news for today. I’m Diana Miranda.
Dave: (From off-screen). And I’m eternally grateful!
Diana: Goodnight and have a wonderful evening. (Fade out).
End of Episode 4
*Author’s Note: For the PSA at the end of this episode, (seen on Youtube), the joke may very well be lost on the audience. At the time, (and for a lot longer than I’d care to remember), I was pursuing my co-star, unsuccessfully. My means of coping had me making light of the situation, so the joke somewhat works on multiple levels, depending on how deep and depressing you’d prefer to look at it.
Channel 70 News Episode 3
(Intro replaced by a Duck U Stories-like intro saying “Behind Channel 70 News”. Typical clips of everyone acting happy, probably just going to rip scenes straight from the Office intro, just to give you an idea. All lines for this episode will be one-on-one interview shots with each actor).
Diana: I’m Diana Miranda.
Dave: Pff, I’m Dave Trenton.
Sam: Well, I suppose I’m Sam, heh, the “Go-To Guy” as they call me.
Johnny: I’m Johnny Jenson. (Looks around sporadically). What? Are you calling me a liar?!
Diana: Where was I before here? Um…
Dave: I was happily married and living a successful life. Boy did that fall through.
Diana: It’s hard to explain…
Johnny: I was experiencing the wildest game of them all on the plains of the Serengeti being raised by a pack of huntress lions. (Stock image of Johnny devouring a gazelle carcass amongst a pack of lions).
Diana: I was in an off-Broadway show…well off-off-Broadway. It was a show called “Catz”. (Stock image of Diana dressed as a cat in front of a background of many, many cats with the title “Catz” big in the background). It didn’t actually have anything to do with the Broadway musical of the same name. This was a one-woman show where I played a lonely old woman who only had her cats to keep her company…it was a touchingly sad play really. I can perform a piece from it if you’d like and…(About to get up and perform but obviously told “no thank you”)…oh, alright then. Well after we got sued by the actual play “C.A.T.S.” I got into the news business and jumped around from station to station until I ended up here.
Sam: I was just finishing my training at the community college to be one of those guys who draws caricatures of people down at the boardwalks, (shot of Sam on a sidewalk drawing horrible pictures of people), but when I realized that we didn’t have any boardwalks nearby I had to put my dream on hold for a while.
Diana: I think Dave and I have a very special bond. (Shot of Diana sitting at the anchor desk as Dave walks by. She waves and smiles. He flips her off as he walks by). He’s really sweet sometimes and I can tell that, although he rarely shows it, he really cares about me.
Dave: Oh I hate her. I walked in the door the first day and I knew I’d hate her. I could tell by the way she was acting that she came from a rich school, daddy probably bought her everything. Yeah, I wish my daddy could have bought me everything, too. (Looks back at the camera). No I’m not spiteful. And no I don’t have feelings for my co-anchor!
Sam: Me? Oh, I enjoy my job pretty well. It can be stressful at times but I think that my camera man really looks out for me.
(Shot of Sam near the freeway, Frank holding a camera filming him).
Sam: Well Dave, Diana, I’m down here on Washington Turnpike to investigate the increase in pedestrian deaths lately and…
Frank: (Pushing him towards the freeway). Get out there!
Sam: Eee! I don’t wanna!
Frank: Go go go!
Sam: Ooookay…(Slowly climbing the railing into oncoming traffic). …AH!
(Back in the studio).
Frank: (Smiling and nodding).
Diana: (Shot of Diana waking up to her dressing room and finding a piece of paper taped to her door). I can tell that Dave really likes me. Just the other day I found this on my dressing room door. (Cuts back to her in the studio. She holds up a poem). He wrote me a poem and taped it to my dressing room. See? Isn’t that sweet?
Johnny: Yeah, I write poetry in my spare time and I like the way Diana reacts to it every time she reads it, so I know I must be good at poetry. I write under the pen name “Dave Trenton”. Huh? No reason, why? (Looks around). Who?
Diana: I stay around mostly for the pay, but Dave’s a sweetheart, so I can’t just leave him behind.
Johnny: I’ve stayed on this long to avoid detection, why stop now?
Sam: I honestly don’t know why I haven’t tried to pursue my other dream of becoming the guy who paints the house numbers on the sidewalks.
Dave: Why do I stay around? (As he’s giving his last line an entire scene is being played out where we see Dave holding a single rose, pacing in front of Diana’s dressing room, mumbling to himself. The camera sneaks around a corner to see this. As soon as Dave notices the camera he curses, throws the rose down, and runs. Johnny walks into the frame and picks the rose up off the ground. As he does, Diana opens her door and looks out hopefully. Johnny looks confused for a second, then smiles big and offers her the rose. Diana pouts and closes the door again. Johnny just stands there and takes a bite of the flower, still happy). Oh what you think I’m gonna say it’s because of her, right? That’s what she said, isn’t it? Look, I’m here for one simple reason, and that reason is that I have nothing better to do, and until I find something better to waste my time on, I’ll be here, week after week, month after grueling month, reading the news for the last-place news station. (Back in the studio). It could be worse. I mean, at least I’m not the Go-To Guy. Heh…(Dave smiles as the camera fades).
End of Episode 3
*Author’s note: For our second episode, we ran into yet another problem that needed a PSA. Jason Tomlinson, the actor playing Johnny Jenson, was also the actual sports anchor for the Sports segment of Duck U. Rebecca Force, or advisor, complained that it was a poor choice to have JT play a character to different from something favorable, requesting that he be removed from teh show. As a producer, I knew that JT was the central humor of the show, so my solution was yet another PSA, as seen in the Youtube posting.
In addition to this, I felt that I’d probably need to have an alternate portion written for Sam’s character since I wasn’t sure if we could pull off greenscreen for the fire effect. In the end, we could not, but the final product turned out just fine regardless.
Channel 70 News Episode 2
Voice Over: And now, it’s time for the Northwest’s okayest news team, Channel 70 News. With Diana Miranda, (Campy footage of Diana turning to the camera), and Dave Trenton, (Same thing, but with Dave).
Diana: Good evening everyone. I’m Diana Miranda.
Dave: And thank God I’m not. (Diana laughs fakely). And this is tonight’s “top” news stories. (Looks over his papers, then throws them). To save some time, I’m just gonna wing it for you all. (Closes his eyes and puts his finger to his head). Using my powers of deduction…Hummmmm…there were three homicides, two accounts of drunken driving, nineteen bomb threats, six convenience store robberies, a serial killer on the loose, and Bush’s approval rating dropped another few points. (Opens his eyes). How’d I do Diana?
Diana: (Looking over her script in amazement). Actually…pretty darn close. (Ultra cheesy). Except you forgot the story about the skateboarding kitten. (Smiles and laughs).
Dave: Just because you said that, I’m hoping that story crosses over with the drunk driving story.
Diana: (Worriedly laughs). Ha…ha? (Looks over her script again). Oh! Tonight marks the children’s hospital’s annual fundraiser in downtown’s Jefferson Square. If you’d like to support the needy children, come on down and show your support. I know I’ll certainly be there. (Smiles again). Do you want to be my date Dave? (Turns to him).
Dave: (Closes his eyes and puts his finger to his forehead again). I’m gonna use my powers of deduction once more. Diana, can you guess what I’m gonna say?
Diana: (Sadly hopeful). Maybe?
Dave: Johnny, while I break it to this poor woman in a not-so-gentle way, why don’t you tell us what tomorrow’s weather’s gonna look like?
Johnny: Certainly Dave. (Points to his drawings again). Dave, we’re all familiar with “el Niño”, correct? Well, I’m predicting that we’re about to experience a new type of storm, that I’ve taken the liberty of naming “el Diablo.” (His sketch is of a very crudely-drawn Satan riding a storm cloud). As you can see, this storm will most likely kill off the population of the Southern Hemisphere, and maybe a good portion of the Northern Hemisphere as well. As we all begin to seek shelter near the glaciers in the North Pole, the planet will likely be torn in twain, with the oceans being replaced by lava. Partly cloudy.
Diana: (Getting handed a piece of paper). Oh, oh! Dave, we’ve got breaking news coverage to report on.
Dave: I can hardly contain myself.
Diana: The old Spanish mission has erupted in flames and our very own Sam the Go-To guy is on the scene. Sam, can you hear us?
Sam: (Standing inside a burning building). Diana, I can hardly hear anything over the roaring fire no more than three feet away from…my feet.
Diana: Sam, can you tell us what happened?
Sam: Well, as far as I can deduce, someone set the Old Spanish Mission on fire, probably with some matches.
Diana: Wonderful Sam. Can you tell us anything more about this fire?
Sam: Well, the fire began at the base of the building and then made its way up to the roof, where at that point the roof began caving in. From there, it spread to nearby buildings and soon after, slowly up the back of my shirt and pants. (Coughs). It’s becoming increasingly difficult to breathe, so I’ll keep you guys posted if there are any new developments. Until then, back to you in the studio! (Flames engulf Sam).
Diana: Thank you Sam. (We can hear Sam scream from of camera). And now it’s time for sports. Johnny, what’s happening in the world of sports?
Johnny: Diana, the world of sports is a bit surprised today, seeing as how the unthinkable has happened. Michael Jordan has once more come out of retirement. However, this re-entrance to the great sport of basketball was not to play but rather to eat the souls of rookie players in order to increase his lifespan and live forever. I’d like to remind everyone that I predicted this three months ago, as you can see from this sketch I drew back then. (Holds up a horrific picture of Michael Jordan as a monster, eating small basketball players).
Diana: (Unsure how to react). Ah…isn’t that…cute?
Dave: In some way, yes, yes it is. (Looks at his watch). And thankfully we’re out of time. (Smiles). So I guess that’s everything you need to know.
Diana: Actually, we have an important story about flesh-eating bacteria.
Dave: Nope, we’ll save it for next time. I’m Dave Trenton.
Diana: But, uh…
Dave: And you might want to stay away from dairy for a while. Have a good night.
End of Episode
Alternate Sam Segment:
Diana: (Is handed a piece of paper). Oh, oh! Dave, we’ve got breaking news coverage to report on.
Dave: I can hardly contain myself.
Diana: In a strange twist of events, our very own Sam the Go-To Guy has stumbled upon the whereabouts of the unknown serial killer. We go live to Sam. Sam, can you tell us where you are?
Sam: (Tired to a chair and talking in a hushed tone). Diana…help meeeee…
Dave: Sam, how did you get in there?
Sam: Well, as far as I can remember, I was talking to a nice man down at the Gap, and then he offered me a drink and I took it and now…eeeeeeeeeee…And my camera man isn’t helping me! Frank help me! (The camera shakes “no” in response. We can hear a door slam and then footsteps). Eep! He’s back! I may never see my wife again! (Begins crying).
Dave: (Doesn’t care). What a shame.
Sam: Eeeeeeeeee, back to you in the studio!
Diana: Thank you Sam.
Sam: (We hear this from off screen). Hey, what’re you gonna do with that sprinkler head?
Diana: And now it’s time for sports.
Sam: (Still off camera). Ah, my torso! Why the torso?!
Diana: Johnny, what’s happening in the world of sports?
*Author’s Note: The dedscription here is what I wrote when the show was pitched for Duck U, so a few things are inaccurate or meant for further development that never happened. For instnace, the Producer character never showed up, but in the original show pitch I hadn’t even planned on using Frank the Cameraman, who became a semi-regular character from there on out.
Also, interestingly enough for those of you watching the episodes on Youtube, you will see some large differences between the script and the actual performance, due to both improv and time contraints with editing. However, one thing we couldn’t predict was that this episode almost didn’t air at all due to content that we didn’t know was against Duck U’s rules. Namely, we couldn’t tell people to go rail a bottle of pills. Why? Oddly enough, we were allowed to tell have one character tell the other to kill themselves, but we weren’t allowed to give ideas on how to do it. My last minute solution was to shoot a PSA before the episode went to air, thus wiping the problem from the episode. However, this wouldn’t be our last PSA.
Channel 70 News
Written by Chris Pranger
Premise: Channel 70 is the news channel that is dead last in their bracket and they know it. Their program could be cancelled at absolutely any second and it shows. Budget cuts have ravaged the show and they have very, very little that’s going well for them. So every night they give the news, and every night they’re closer to being cancelled.
Diana Miranda: She is the straight man of the news, the typical news anchor that takes the news much too seriously. Even though she knows that their show could be cancelled and it doesn’t matter what she says, she sticks to how she’s been trained. She’s constantly making awkwardly bad jokes and comments and has a big fake smile on all the time. As time progresses it becomes obvious that she’s getting closer to snapping.
Dave Trenton: Dave is the complete opposite of Diana. He hates his life and doesn’t care that people know it. He’s never clean-shaven, wears his tie loose, and dresses sloppily. He looks likes he’s always drunk and is always pissed. His life is miserable and it seems that the only joy he gets from his pathetic existence is openly mocking Diana whenever he feels like it. He basically has no tact at all.
Johnny Jenson: Johnny pulls double duty as both the weather man and the sports anchor. He’s crazy and is reminiscent of Harry Carry. He could be on drugs, he could be homeless, he could be mentally handicapped, we’re not sure what’s up but something just isn’t right with him. He hardly knows where he is and most of his lines should be improvised anyway.
Sam the Go-To Guy: Sam’s last name will never be said, ever. He’s the guy that they’ve hired to do special live reporting for them all the time and usually he’ll find himself in a situation where he’ll probably die. Sam is frightened and paranoid because of this. He’s also not well trained and his eyes wander when trying to do his live report.
Producer/Director: The big man in charge of the show. He never speaks, nor is his name ever spoken, but when he shows up it means that something very bad has happened. He’s basically representative of death and wears a long flowing black cloak. The others never want to see him ever.
Voice Over: (As the voice over plays, there is a short opening of random images, much like you’d see in regular news). And now, it’s the Northwest’s best news team, channel 70 News. With Diana Miranda, (Image of Diana turning to the camera and smiling), and Dave Trenton, (Same thing but with Dave this time).
Diana: (We actually see the two anchors sitting next to each other now. Diana has a worriedly fake smile on her face and Dave is mad at the world. Diana is holding her script. Dave has his laid out in front of him). Good evening. I’m Diana Miranda.
Dave: And I suppose that makes me Dave Trenton.
Diana: And this is tonight’s news. (Camera shift to just Diana). Today, Roosevelt Zoo found itself in a tough situation when a bear escaped from its pen. Zoo officials are unsure how this happened, but as far as they can tell, it was the work of some local hooligans. It seemed that the three teens responsible wanted to have a picnic with these teddy bears. (Very fake laugh). Hahaha, ah. Three teenagers dead.
Dave: (Looks at his script). What could possibly have gone wrong in the world today…? So, Japan was hit hard today when a tsunami wiped out most of the Eastern coast of Kyoto. Thousands were probably killed. (Throws his script). Do you care? No, you don’t care, because you’re all a bunch of selfish bastards sitting at home in your nice cozy recliners, drinking your coffee and laughing with your happy spouse who loves you and didn’t leave you for my marriage councilor. Your lives must all be just great! (Turns to Diana, who’s looking very uncomfortable).
Diana: Um…in other news, Microsoft has released an announcement that they’ll be creating a new version of Windows for the new year. Boy Dave, I sure hope this version doesn’t freeze up when I try and type out the evening’s scripts. (Turns to Dave with a smile).
Dave: (Dave is not amused). How do you live with yourself?
Diana: (Laughs awkwardly). Hahaha, oh Dave, you’re such a kidder.
Dave: No I mean it. What makes you feel compelled to wake up every morning? Why don’t you just rail a bottle of Tylenol and end it all before someone does the job for you? Huh?
Diana: Uh…(Turns towards the camera). Ahaha…
Dave: Well now, let’s see what Johnny Jenson has for us. How’s the weather looking out there Johnny?
Johnny: The weather? I’m gonna go ahead and say it Dave. The world is gonna end within the end of the week. (Turns to a chart that he’s drawn). You see here Dave? (Points at the chart). We’re gonna be experiencing some heavy rains of fire, followed by absolute darkness. As the world weeps, the lord of darkness himself will show up and then it’s anyone’s guess how it’ll all go down. Partly cloudy.
Dave: (Carema shifts back to Dave and Diana. She looks terrified. Dave doesn’t care). That sounds about right. (Is handed a random page of paper). So, it seems that we have some breaking news here. Turns out you all got your wish and someone’s getting shot at down on 13th. Let’s go live to Sam the Go-To Guy. Sam, how’s it looking down there?
Sam: (Poor Sam will be in the middle of what sounds like a fire-fight on location). Well Dave, I’m here on 13th and all I can think to do is pray that I see my loved ones again.
Dave: Aren’t you special?
Sam: As far as I can tell, one guy said some things at another guy and then that guy became angry and shot him. Then someone else showed up and shot at the second guy, and by that time all hell had broken loose. At some point the legions of gun-men joined up and barricaded themselves in a local convenience store to fight against the cops.
Diana: Sounds more like an inconvenience store.
Dave: With every fiber of my being I hate you.
Sam: Ag! (Grabs his side). It seems that I’ve been hit by a stray bullet. I’m starting to black out. Well, with my last breath, I’m sending this back to you guys in the studio.
Dave: Seems like as good a time as any to check the sports. Johnny, since we can’t afford a separate sports anchor, how’s our sports team?
Johnny: We didn’t win. We never win. It looked like a group of kindergarteners battling against a team of radioactive super giants. The score was in numbers that I can’t even fathom Dave. Numbers that I’ll have to make up in order to explain. (Pulls up another chart with random scribbles on it). The final score was eleventeen to panda space shuttle, but at least our team had heart.
Dave: Right. Well thank God, we’re out of time. (Pulls a bottle from under the desk and begins drinking from it).
Diana: That’s the news for tonight. I’m Diana Miranda.
Dave: And I’m partially drunk.
Diana: Good night and have a wonderful evening. (Camera pulls back with Diana worriedly looking over at Dave, who’s thrown his bottle and just begins yelling at Diana, although their audio is muted).
End of Episode 1