Objective Advice

July 17, 2009 at 1:19 am (Random Writings) ()

*Author’s note:  Another class writing assignment from Intro to fiction Writing, this one being ane xercise in listening to real conversations and using that as dialogue.  Dialogue was always my strength anyway, so the assignment was more to just have fun for me, which I did.  Everything is basically true to life by the way, so enjoy!

 

Objective Advice

 

The following dialogue was taken from my roommate as he was talking on the phone with his long-distance girlfriend.  This is a nightly conversation that I hear rather frequently, so not much changes from time to time, except for perhaps my roommate’s level of annoyance.  Naturally, names have been changed out of respect for my roommate.  And now the actual conversation:

Roommate:  (On the phone, pacing back and forth, at times flopping down on his bed).  No Sheryl, I’m feeling fine.  (Pause, sadly I can’t hear what the girlfriend is saying).  No, I’m fine.  (Shorter pause).  I said that I’m fine; there’s nothing wrong.  (Pause).  Gah, I understand that you care about me but you’ve got to understand that I just get tired of it from time to time.  (Very bad pause).  What?  No, I care about you, too.  (Frustrating pause).  I said that I care about you, too.  (Begins emphasizing his words).  I care about you, too.  (It takes a turn for the worst).  What?  (Another pause).  Sheryl, I can’t tell you that I’m in love with you.  (And worse).  No, I do care about you, but I can’t tell you that I love you.  (I don’t even want to know what the girlfriend is actually saying).  No, Sheryl, Sheryl, She- (he keeps getting cut off).  Sigh, Sheryl, I’m just not gonna tell you that.  (Why?).  Because I don’t even know what love is!  I’m only 20 years old for God sake.  (She makes it worse).  No, I’m 20 years old, and you’re not even as old as me, you don’t know what love is either!  (They keep going on like this for a “good” five minutes).  Okay, Sheryl, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.  No, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.  No, we both need to get some rest and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.  Alright?  Alright?  No, tomorrow.  Alright?  Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Good night.  (Hangs up).

 

            “No Sheryl, I’m feeling fine.”  A shaggy-haired individual flops down onto his bed as he’s talking on the phone.  “No, I’m fine.”  He seems to be on the phone with his girlfriend.  “I said that I’m fine; there’s nothing wrong.”  This is a normal trend for this particular couple.  “Gah, I understand that you care about me but you’ve got to understand that I just get tired of it from time to time.”  The girlfriend lives too far away to have this conversation with face-to-face, which on some level is a good thing.  “What?  No, I care about you, too.”

            At about this time the roommate walks by his room.  The roommate has heard this conversation about as many times as the shaggy-haired individual.  “Uh-oh, I know that noise,” the roommate states to the room.

            The shaggy-haired individual waves him off, going back into his conversation with his girlfriend.  “I said I care about you, too.”  A short pause goes by, as the girlfriend is either not hearing correctly or she just isn’t understanding his meaning, so he tries emphasizing his words and speaking clearer.  “I care about you, too.”

            “He cares about you, too!” the roommate shouts, offering his help.  The shaggy-haired individual turns his back to the roommate and waves him off again.

            “What?” he questions the phone.

            “Yeah, what?” the roommate chimes in, getting waved off once more.

            “Sheryl, I can’t tell you that I’m in love with you.”  Clearly things have gone from bad to worse in a very short amount of time.

            “Oh crap,” the roommate blurts out.  “Just hang up the phone right now!  Don’t fall into this trap; you’ll never make it out again!”

            Another wave and the shaggy-haired individual responds back to this loaded question.  “No, I do care about you, but I can’t tell you that I love you.”

            “No you darn well can’t,” the roommate points out.  “That would be a fatal error.”

            “No, Sheryl, Sheryl, She-,” the shaggy-haired individual keeps getting cut off before even getting a chance to get his argument out of his mouth until a sigh finally slips out.  “Sheryl, I’m just not gonna tell you that.”

            “And why not?” asks the roommate, keeping him on track for what’s about to be said again for the ninth night in a row.

            “Because I don’t even know what love is!  I’m only 20 years old for God sake.”

            “That’s right; you’re only 20 years old.”

            “No, I’m 20 years old, and you’re not even as old as me, you don’t know what love is either!”  The shaggy-haired individual finally decides that this conversation has gone to a place that is not meant for others to witness, and so he stands up, gives his roommate the “one minute please” sign, and closes his door.  Seeing this as a good chance to stock up on vitals, the roommate takes his all-important break from this conversation to create a sandwich and think up the very best advice to offer.

            After a few minutes go by, the roommate has decided that he’s ready to re-enter the conversation, so he sits down at the door and presses his ear to it to get a better sense of what’s happening on the other side.  He is able to catch the tail-end of this brutal conversation.  “Okay, Sheryl, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.  No, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.  No, we both need to get some rest and we’ll talk about it tomorrow.  Alright?  Alright?  No, tomorrow.  Alright?  Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Good night.”  Footsteps.  The roommate’s cue to jump to his feet and prepare himself for the shaggy-haired individual to seek his wisdom on the matter.  As the shaggy-haired individual opens the door, the roommate’s face is pressed against the doorframe.  “Gah!”

            “Haha, I bet you just had a fun conversation there, eh?”

            “Yeah right.  Why are women so damn stupid?”  The shaggy-haired individual paces back into his room and over to a lawn chair set up.  He crumples into this chair, his whole body frustratingly tired from having to deal with his girlfriend yet again.

            “My friend, we have all asked this question, but none of us have been able to answer this properly.  Except me of course.”  The roommate walks himself over to an armchair in the corner and takes his place as the exalted advice-giver.  “Naturally, the reason is because women see the need to destroy our minds to the point that we become stupider than them, thus creating some sort of equality between the sexes.”

            “How does that create equality of the sexes?”

            “Oh no, she’s already destroyed your mind too far.  I may not be able to properly salvage it anymore.”

            “I would not doubt it.”  The shaggy-haired individual places his hands on the top of his head and slumps further into his seat.  “I’m getting tired of the same conversation every night.”

            “I think we all are.”

            The shaggy-haired individual sits up in his frustration.  “It’s just so damn…how to describe it?”

            “Frustrating?”

            “Yes.”  He shaggy-haired individual points his affirmation to the roommate and stands up to get some water.  “It’s frustrating to have to deal with her every night when she keeps acting like a child.  I’m getting sick of it.”

            “You know what you have to do, don’t chu?”  Here it comes…

            “So what’s the advice for tonight?”  The shaggy-haired individual has entirely predicted that it would come to this, so he’s almost eager to hear the next scheme to come from the roommate.

            “What you’ve got to do is out crazy this woman.”  The shaggy-haired roommate laughs.  “No I’m serious, you’ve got to start stepping it up another level.  Next time she calls, ask her to marry you.  In fact, don’t even give her a chance to call her.  You need to start calling her.”

            “When?”

            “As often as possible.  Call her ever hour of every day, and then don’t have anything important to say.  Just keep calling and calling and calling until she picks up, and then ask her what she’s thinking about.”

            “Hah, just call her all the time?”

            “Yes.”

            “Even when she’s in class?”

            “Especially when she’s in class.  Just keep calling her and if she doesn’t pick up, call her friend in that class and when the friend answers tell the friend to give the phone to your girlfriend.  Tell her that you were worried that she was in an accident or something since she wasn’t picking up her phone.  She’ll love it.”

            “Hahaha, I may have to try that.”  The shaggy-haired individual walks over to the TV in the room and casually points at it.  “So since this night has sucked so badly, I think we should play some Smash Brothers.  How ‘bout it?”

            “Same as every night.”  The shaggy-haired individual tosses the roommate a video game controller.  “She sure sounds like a winner.”

            “Oh boy is she ever,” admits the shaggy-haired roommate as he knows that the same conversation will occur again and again, each and every night.  But for now, the fight is over and the night is finally his.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: