Chris’ Stay in Sodom and Gomorrah

July 10, 2009 at 4:26 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

Chris’ Stay in Sodom and Gomorrah

 

The world had flooded and all life was washed away save for the animals that Noah had saved.  And afterwards god vowed never to wipe out all life on the planet ever again.  But then came Sodom and Gomorrah, and suddenly God started having second thoughts, which to Him were checked more than Santa checks his list.  Second thoughts for God are a very bad omen indeed…

 

God:  Alright, I didn’t want to have to do this, but I feel it may just be the right time.  I’ve been hearing an awful lot of downright awful things coming from an awful place called Sodom and an equally awful place called Gomorrah.  Now, while I don’t particularly WANT to do it, I think I HAVE to do it.  So, should I annihilate these two towns?  What say you Abraham?

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, I do not believe-

 

Chris:  Hey!  Who’s this guy?  God!  I thought we had a special thing going here!

 

God:  Oh, hello Chris.  I see you’re doing well.

 

Abraham:  Hello brother Chris.  My name is Abraham, and I am a loyal follower of the Lord.  Are you also a follower?

 

Chris:  The heck?  Yeah, I’m like, the original follower.  What about the Garden if Eden, huh?  What about the flood?  Does that all mean nothing to You, God?

 

God:  Now, correct Me if I’m wrong, and I rarely am, but didn’t you mess up horribly the last few times I gave you a task to do?

 

Chris:  Uh, yes, some mistakes may have been made, but then again, aren’t You all about forgiveness?

 

God:  Yes and no.  You’re thinking about my son.  He’s a pretty good guy, but Me, I don’t let things slide as easily.

 

Chris:  You know You couldn’t have managed those things without me though!

 

God:  Oh I manage just fine all by Myself, thank you.

 

Chris:  Then how did you get to where You are today?

 

God:  Okay, so a lot happened since we last saw each other and I kinda went in a different direction for a bit with Abraham and such.  Plus there was the Tower of Babel and that was just a mess in general…

 

Chris:  C’mon!  Give me another chance!  Please?

 

Abraham:  Lord, may we allow this man to assist in your next task?  I humbly request this of You.

 

Chris:  Yeah, me, too.  Also, this guy kinda sounds like Noah.  How’s he been by the way?

 

God:  Noah is…well anyway, I’ll allow you to help out on this one for a while Chris, but only for a while.

 

Chris:  Excellent.

 

God:  Now where was I?  Oh yes, Sodom and Gomorrah.  I’m going to wipe them off the planet.

 

Chris:  Cool, cool.  I’m on board for this.

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, would you not spare these towns?  For there must be followers of Your way still within their midst.  Please, would you not spare the town if there were fifty good souls left?

 

Chris:  No, nuke the suckers.

 

God:  Okay, if there are fifty, then I’ll spare them.

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, if I may speak, what if there are only forty-five good souls in the towns?  Will You still destroy them as well?  Would You allow the towns to live if only forty-five good souls remain?

 

Chris:  Don’t push your luck there Abe.

 

God:  Huh, fine, forty-five, but no fewer.

 

Abraham:  Oh Lord, what if there are only-

 

Chris:  What?  Huh?  Forty?  What if there’s only forty?  Hey, why not make it thirty, or twenty, or ten?  Huh?  Why don’t you just take all my fun away?  “Hey god, why not leave these towns alone if we can fine ten good men or some decent goats or something?”  I mean come on man.

 

God:  Ten it is.  Find ten and I shall spare the towns.

 

Chris:  Totally weak.

 

God:  Alright Abraham, go find these men already.

 

Abraham:  Oh wait, You’re actually going to check?  Never mind, these towns need to go.  Do you even know where the term “sodomy” cam from?  And “granola”?  Really sick.

 

Chris:  Agreed.  Nuke the suckers.

 

God:  Blah, whatever, Abraham, go, I don’t know, go worship me for a while.  I’ve got stuff to think about.

 

Abraham:  Yes oh Lord.

 

Chris:  And what Should I do, huh?  Lame.

 

-Time passes and Chris walks around the towns for a while before coming across someone who doesn’t seem like a slime ball.

 

Chris:  Yo, weird-lookin’ guy.  You know any decent individuals in this town?

 

Lot:  Weeeeeeeeell, let’s see.  You know Gregory McHiggins down on yonder road?

 

Chris:  I’m not familiar with him, no.

 

Lot:  That’s because I make him up.  And his wife Sheila.  Don’t exist.

 

Chris:  Then why’d you make them up?

 

Lot:  You seemed like you wanted hope, and this town has very little of that.  Folks ‘round these parts are too busy fornicating with one another to be decent at anything.  Save for fornicating.  They’re great at that.  I wouldn’t know myself, having only had sex twice with my wife, and only to make children.  And I didn’t enjoy it, no sir, not old Lot here.  Them’s wicked thoughts.

 

Chris:  So you don’t know where I could find good people?

 

Lot:  Take a look around son.  If’n you see someone who don’t have themselves lodged in someone else, chances are they’re not too wicked.  Otherwise, can’t say that I know of no one that fits your description.

 

Chris:  That’s a shame.

 

Lot:  Why?  Say, wait a minute.  You ain’t got yourself lodged in no one else there.  You must not be wicked!

 

Chris:  No I’m wicked alright.  I’m just more of a causal sinner rather than a practicing one.  You know?  I don’t really have that sort of time on my hands.

 

Lot:  Hmm, well I don’t know who you are stranger, but come home with me and we’ll see if’n we can’t find you some vittles to get you on your feet again.

 

Chris:  Mighty kind of you, and don’t mind if I do.

 

Lot:  Right this way then.  Foller me.

 

-They pass two attractive men in hot pants as they walk.

 

Sexy Dude 1:  ‘Scuse me, sir?  Have you seen any non-evil individuals in this town.  They’re all too busy having…naughty time…to talk to us.

 

Lot:  Hmm, popular topic today, isn’t it?

 

Sexy Dude 2:  We were sent on a mission from-

 

Sexy Dude 1:  Shush dude…

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Uh, we were just curious is all.

 

Chris:  Haven’t I seen you guys somewhere?

 

Sexy Dude 1:  No, I doubt it.

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Weren’t you at the company picnic last year?

 

Chris:  Yeah, the one for Heaven?

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Yeah!  Uh, I mean, we totally wouldn’t have been there though.

 

Chris:  Oh, must just be a coincidence then.

 

Lot:  Well sexy strangers, if’n you’d both like to come home here with me and my friend, uh, what’s yer name there?

 

Chris:  Chris.  That’s is my EPIC AND POWERFUL NAME.

 

Sexy Dude 2:  That’s it!

 

Sexy Dude 1:  SHUSH!

 

Sexy Dude 2:  I totally don’t know you, Chris, nor have we ever met while playing volleyball or something.

 

Sexy Dude 1:  Sir, we must humbly decline your offer to stay with you.  We have very pressing matters to attend to.

 

Lot:  Ah c’mon now.  I’ll even throw in a mighty fine foot bath while I’m at it.

 

Sexy Dude 2:  Foot bath you say?

 

-Later in Lot’s house.

 

Chris:  (Washing everyone’s feet).  I still don’t know how I got stuck doing this.

 

Lot:  Well family, let’s have a prayer for our new guests.  We have two extremely sexy men-folk staying with us-

 

Chris:  And, and?

 

Lot:  And one moderately passable boy as well.

 

Chris:  Meh, close enough.

 

Lot:  Daughters, please bring us kosher treats so that we may feed our sexy guests.

 

Daughters:  Yes papa.

 

Lot’s Wife:  Husband, may I speak with you alone?

 

Lot:  Yes wife?

 

Lot’s Wife:  Uh…I don’t think it’s such a good idea to, you know, the sexy guys around our girls and all…

 

Lot:  Oh don’t be silly woman, our daughters are pure and virtuous and all that, plus they’re engaged to nice men from town.

 

Chris:  Where are those nice men, by the way?

 

Lot:  Let’s see, what’s tonight?  Saturday?  Probably at the Sex House then.  Right down the street from the Whore House and Old Spaghetti Factory.

 

Chris:  Old Spaghetti Factory?  I love that place.

 

Lot:  Not this place.  Trust me.

 

Chris:  You sure?

 

Lot:  There ain’t spaghetti there and their ain’t tomatoe sauce on it, I’ll tell you that much.

 

Chris:  Ah.

 

Angry Mob:  HEY YO!

 

Chris:  What’s that?

 

Lot:  Sounds like an angry mob.

 

-Lot goes to the window, followed by Chris.

 

Lot:  What can I do for you folks?

 

Mayor:  Okay, so as you know Lot, I’m the mayor of this town, and as such, we want your two guests.

 

Lot:  You have business with them?

 

Mayor:  No, we just want to sex them, if that’d be okay.

 

Lot:  Sex them?  Are they really that sexy?

 

Chris:  Yeah actually.  I kinda want to do them myself, and I’m completely straight.

 

Lot:  Well sorry, but you can’t have these two guests of mine.  They are pure and thus you can’t taint them.

 

Mayor:  No deal.  We want the two guys.  And we want to do stuff that’ll make the Spaghetti Factory look like Arby’s.

 

Chris:  That doesn’t sound so-  Wait.  I wouldn’t like Arby’s, would I?

 

Lot:  Nope.  Okay town, how ‘bout this; I’ve got two beautiful virgin daughters.  You can have them instead, but please, leave my two guests alone.

 

Chris:  Are you seriously giving up your daughters to get…gomorrahed?

 

Lot:  Yes.

 

Chris:  And you see nothing wrong with this?

 

Lot:  No, absolutely not.  Why?

 

Chris:  (Flipping through the Bible).  That has got to be a misprint…

 

Mayor:  We’ve talked it over and Lot, we don’t want your daughters.  We want sex with your attractive guys for some reason.  We’re trying to outdo the other town for heinous acts.  Your two guests wouldn’t happen to be underage would they?

 

Chris:  You can’t have them!  Go f#$% yourselves!

 

Mayor:  We already did that this morning, so give us the sexy dudes.

 

Sexy Dude 1:  That’s it, I think we’ve seen enough here.  We have something to tell you all.

 

Lot:  Yes?

 

Sexy Dude 1:  We’re not really sexy dudes.

 

Chris:  Liars!

 

Sexy Dude 2:  We’re actually angels in disguise.  Behold.

 

-They transform.

 

Sexy Angel 1:  Our true forms!

 

Lot:  AH!  We are not worthy!  (He and his family fall to their knees).

 

Chris:  What?  God sent someone else to mess with this?  What is His deal?  I thought we were tight.

 

Sexy Angel 1:  Lot, God will destroy these two wicked cities.  Take your family and flee as fast as you can, but there’s one thing you must listen to.  Do not, under any circumstances, look back at the city.  You will hear crazy noises and assume things are going nuts, and they will be, but do NOT look back.

 

Chris:  What’ll happen if they look back?

 

Sexy Angel 2:  We weren’t exactly told that yet, but we assume something pretty biblically radical.

 

Lot:  Alright then family, let’s get a move on.

 

Daughter 1:  Uh, dad, did you, like, totally just try and give us up to a horny mob?

 

Lot:  I can’t be expected to remember what I’m doing all the time.  Besides, that’s in the past now, so let’s just go.

 

Chris:  You guys might want to make a move on.  The sky’s kinda getting pretty red.

 

Sexy Angel 1:  Hurry!

 

-Lot and his family flee as fast as they can.

 

Mayor:  Oh Lot, there you are.  Change you mind?

 

Lot:  Y’all take care now.

 

Chris:  How’s he gonna do it, how’s he gonna do it, how’s he gonna do it?!  OH!  I’m so excited!

 

Lot:  There’s the city limits!  Quick, over the hills and into the mountains!

 

Chris:  Here it comes…EEE!

 

-The clouds open up and God appears in all His glory.

 

God:  KAMEHAMEHA!

 

-Sodom and Gomorrah are thoroughly destroyed.

 

Chris:  Awesome!

 

Lot’s Wife:  Huh?  What’s awesome-?  (See turns around).  OH CRAP!

 

God:  Oh snaps!  Look out!

 

-Massive salting!

 

Lot:  My wife!  She’s a pillar of salt!  You’ve killed my wife!

 

Chris:  No way, I didn’t tell her to turn around.

 

Lot:  Wait, how’d you see what happened?

 

Chris:  Rear-view mirror.  I’m not technically looking back, so…  OW!  MY LEG!  What?  Salt?!  Lame!

 

God:  No technicalities!

 

Chris:  Ah come on!  I saved these few people!

 

Lot:  Well, my daughters and I are safe I suppose.  But now our tribe is dead thanks to the passing of my wife.

 

Daughter 2:  Hey dad, I think I have an idea that could fix that.

 

Chris:  Sorry, I’m taken ladies.

 

Daughter 1:  Ew, no way.  We were talking about our dad, freak.

 

Chris:  What the heck?!  That’s nasty!  (Flips through the Bible).  WHAT?!

 

Daughter 2:  Here papa, have some wine.

 

Chris:  (Flees while keeping his hands over his ears).  NONONONONO!  LALALALALA!

 

And with that, the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed and I was once again without something to do for a while.  Take solace in the fact that this is probably as messed up as the Bible gets for the most part, though I can’t completely vouch for that, either.

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