Chris’ Ark

July 1, 2009 at 12:06 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

Chris’ Ark


After my failed encounters with Adam, Eve, Cain, and Abel, I was ready for something less packed with failure and more packed with awesome.  Or at least decently priced hats.  Eventually, God took notice, and my years of boredom paid off with…a rainstorm?  Lame!


Chris:  God~!  I’m booooooored~!


God:  Why are you bored?  Don’t you love wandering aimlessly through the world I’ve created?


Chris:  Yes and no.  It’s nice and all, but there’s not really much to do yet, You know?  I mean, a war here or there, maybe a plague or disease, come on, something to spice things up.


God:  Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something big I’ve been planning.


Chris:  Yeah?


God:  How evil would you say everyone is, you know, on average?


Chris:  Like, everyone in the world or just people I’ve randomly judged without ever meeting them?


God:  Uh, the second one.


Chris:  Yeah, the world’s filled with evil people.  Jerks, too.  Especially when driving, and cars haven’t even been invented yet.  But yes, pretty sure everyone’s just evil.  And ugly.  Definitely.


God:  Hmm, that’s what I thought.  Okay, I want you to listen closely.  Do you know a man named Noah?


Chris:  Old guy, kinda short, likes animals?


God:  Yes, that’s the one.


Chris:  I’ve heard of him, but I don’t know him personally, no.  He’s probably evil though.


God:  Nah, he’s chill.  Go talk to him.  I’ve got a task for him that I need you to oversee.


Chris:  Alright then.  I’ll meet You there then.


-Time passes as Chris looks everywhere for Noah.


Chris:  Hey!  You up there!  You Noah?


Noah:  Meh?  Who now?


Chris:  You the one they call Noah?


Noah:  Nope, not me.


Chris:  Don’t pull that with me!  I see your name next to your dialogue!


Noah:  Oh, yeah I guess I’m Noah then.


Chris:  Cool, God’s got something for you to do.


Noah:  And what would that be, exactly?


Chris:  Uh…He didn’t actually tell me.  I thought He’d meet me here or something.


Noah:  Alright, so come get me when He shows up.


Chris:  No, why don’t you come with me back to where I first talked to Him?  That might save time.


Noah:  Can’t.  Busy.


Chris:  You’re busy?  Doing what?


Noah:  Building an ark.


Chris:  An ark?  Why?


Noah:  I don’t know.  Gotta do something.


-God appears.


God:  Oh hey!  Noah!  Chris!  Glad I found you!


Chris:  Hi God.  So what’s the big plan You’ve got set up?


God:  Oh it’s really quite simple.  First off, I’m going to wipe out most of humanity.


Chris:  (Nods along).  Good, good, and then what?


God:  And then things get back to normal, more or less.


Chris:  Not as interesting, but whatever, it’s Your plan.


Noah:  Oh Lord, how may I serve Your mighty plan?


God:  Oh I like this one.  Okay, Noah, I need you to build- oh snaps, you already pretty much built it.  I really like this one!


Noah:  What would you have me do with my ark, oh Lord?


God:  I want you to gather up two of every animal.  That way, it will be possible to repopulate the world with animals after I totally annihilate it Old Testament style.


Chris:  How You thinking of doing the deed?


God:  Uh…actually, I’ll get back to you on that one.


Noah:  How many animals must I find my God?


God:  Hmm…all of them, if you’d be so kind.


Chris:  Except snakes.


God:  No, snakes, too.  I love all creatures.  Just not spiders.  ICK!


Chris:  How long we got?


God:  Let’s say…one week.  Sound good?


Chris:  Cutting it close, wouldn’t You say?


God:  I created all of existence in 6 days; I think you can find a few animals in that time.


Noah:  Is my ark large enough to accommodate Your wishes my Lord?


God:  It’s, hmm…you used the metric system when you built this, huh?


Noah:  Yes Lord.


God:  Well I’m sorry but the metric system is wicked and sinful.  You’ll have to tear the ark down and start from scratch using, oh, let’s say “cubits.”


Chris:  What in Your name is a cubit?


God:  I don’t know, surprise Me.  Legos, I think.  See you in a week! 




Chris:  Okay, I’m terrible with building, so I’d say you should go build the ark while I get the animals, but I’m also a wuss and God took my shovel away from me after I inadvertently caused the death of Abel, so maybe I should just supervise the whole project.  Sound good?


Noah:  No, not really.


Chris:  Good.  I’ll be over here supervising then.


-A few days pass.


Chris:  Hey Noah, has it been a week yet?


Noah:  (Walking past with two buffalo).  No, it’s been three hours.


Chris:  Why does the stage direction up there say it’s been a few days?


Noah:  Because you’re not very good at supervising.


Chris:  Oh, right.  Okay, I’ll go find flamingos then.


Noah:  A what now?


Chris:  A flamingo.  You know, silly pink gay bird.


Noah:  Haven’t seen those before.  I think you made it up.  Also, we need animals that aren’t gay.  Nothing wrong with ‘em, but you know, they don’t mate well.


Chris:  Well they’re not really gay, just flamboyant.


Noah:  Flamboyant?  How high is their flamboyancy?


Chris:  Fairly high.


Noah:  Then don’t worry about them; they should be able to float when the storm waters hit.  Go get some rhinos, will you?


Chris:  Wait, storm waters?  Why storm waters?


Noah:  God told me He’s going to flood everything.


Chris:  A flood?  That’s it?  BORING!  Hey God!


God:  (Appears).  Hello?  Yes?  Did someone ring for Me?


Chris:  Storm waters, really?


God:  Do you mock Me?


Chris:  Well yeah, duh.


God:  You know I don’t like that.


Chris:  Okay, but hear me out here.  Why not have it rain fire instead of water?  Eh?  Much cooler than just some rain, wouldn’t You say?


God:  But I’ve already got this whole thing planned out.  It’s gonna be one HECK of a rainstorm, so give it time.


Chris:  But rain?  RAIN?  Come on, give me something cool.  Someone’s gotta write the Bible and when they do, do You want them to say, “And then it rained a whole lot”?


God:  Hmm…you have a point there.  I got it!  We’ll say, “And then the floodgates of Heaven opened up and washed away all the wickedness in the world.”


Chris:  Oohoo, tingles~!


Noah:  Lord, can I have more help than just this man here?


God:  What?  Nope, sorry, you get Chris for this scenario.  He’s not that bad.


Noah:  But he’s not doing anything, Lord.


Chris:  Fine fine, I’ll go get the flamingos.


God:  A what now?


Chris:  You know, silly pink gay birds.


God:  Oh, you mean the “GWahwAH!”


Chris:  The what now?


God:  Fine, I’ll call it a “flamingo” since you clearly can’t pronounce it correctly.  Sheesh.  And go get some rhinos for Noah.  Poor guy, having to build an ark and save the world.  Almost wish he didn’t have to do it.


Noah:  I don’t mean to question Your judgment oh Lord, but-


God:  Then don’t.  Bye bye!




Noah:  Rhinos, please?


Chris:  I’m gonna go look for a GWahwAH.


Noah:  Nuh…


-A week really passes this time.


Chris:  Pretty sure at least.  (Holds his hand out).  Yup, it’s raining.


Noah:  (Carrying a pair of elephants, some crocodiles, two giraffes, and an exploding smatradon).  Could you please help me?


Chris:  Alright, I’ll grab that weird looking thing at the end there.


Noah:  No no, don’t grab-!




Noah:  Okay, no one tell God that the exploding smatradons are now extinct.


Chris:  Totally your fault though.


Noah:  I’m going to go put these other animals away.


Chris:  Not bad for a 600-year-old man.


Noah:  Well, that’s somewhat of an exaggeration.  I’m not really 600.


Chris:  Really?  How old are you?


Noah:  I have no idea.  God made me convert years into cubits, so I got lost.  Go grab the last animals on the list while I make the final preparations.


Chris:  Okay.  (Checks the list).  Let’s see…we got everything except for the stupid fantasy creatures that every Noah’s Ark parody must mention at least once.  Aha!  We forgot to get snow leopards!  I love snow leopards!  Oh no!  I can’t be responsible for snow leopards going extinct, too!  I’ve already killed off too many creatures for this one to slide.  Dang it!


­-Chris runs off.


Noah:  (Walks back out of the ark).  I wonder if God would really mind if I just sorta left without him…


-Noah looks around and quickly runs back to the ark, closing the main door.


-Meanwhile, the raining picks up as Chris searches for a pair of snow leopards.


Chris:  Alright, so back at home in the real world I can always find snow leopards at the zoo, so where would that translate to here in Biblical times?


-The flood begins.


Chris:  Not cool!  Then again, I’m from Oregon, so this is nothing really new.


-A man on a bike rides by in the middle of the street.


Man:  Have you voted in the ASUO elections yet?!


Chris:  Yeah, sure, whatever.


-A tsunami comes by and sweets the guy away.


Chris:  Not gonna miss that guy.




Chris:  Ah!  That’s either thunder or something really awesome just happened in Eclipse Star.  (Looks at himself).  No, my character didn’t transform or anything, so it must be thunder.  That means…




Chris:  WAH!!


-A pair of snow leopards run out from the trees by Chris.


Snow Leopard:  Come little one.  We must escape the flood waters.


Chris:  Oh gosh.  I LOVE snow leopards!  Teeheehee!


-Chris jumps on the back of one of the snow leopards as they run from a wave that’s chasing them.


Chris:  How exciting!  Wouldn’t this just look awesome if it were visual or something?  I mean REALLY!  Cool!


-Daring escape sequence!


Chris:  There!  The ark!  Hurry!


-Chris and the snow leopards get to the ark, but the door’s closed.


Chris:  Noah!  C’mon!  Open the door!


Noah:  (Yelling down).  Sorry Chris, but there’s no time!


Chris:  Hey!  I’ve got snow leopards down here!


-The door quickly opens up just enough for the snow leopards to run in and then slams shut again.


Chris:  Hey!


Noah:  Sorry, really out of time now!


Chris:  Don’t give me that!  I’ll tell God on you!  Do you want me to have to tell God on you?!


Noah:  Fine fine!  I was just kidding!


-The door opens and slams on top of Chris’ head with a “Thunk.”


Chris:  Ow!


-Floodwaters rush up right behind him.


Chris:  Wah!  (Runs inside the ark and closes the room).


Noah:  There, we got everything done before the flood hit.  Mission accomplished.


-God appears.


God:  Well done you two!


Both:  Thanks.


Chris:  So now what?


God:  Well, now it rains and rains and rains.


Chris:  For how long?


God:  Oh dang, I didn’t think about that part.  I thought for like a day or something.


Chris:  That’s not bad.


God:  No wait!  FORTY days!  And forty nights!


Chris:  Oohoo, chills again.  No wait…I’m stuck on this boat for over a month?


God:  Hey, I was being cool and poetic.  I just can’t please you, can I?


Chris:  Apparently no you can’tn’t.


God:  That was…I’m not even going to justify that with anything.  Enjoy your 40 days!


Noah:  No wait!


-God leaves.


Noah:  But…I don’t want to spend 40 more days with him, Lord.  (Turns to Chris).  Well crap.


Chris:  And don’t think I’m gonna forget about wanging my head with the door.


Noah:  Let’s just make this as painless as possible, okay?


Chris:  Deal.


-Forty days go by.


Noah:  Okay, so you remember when I asked you to stock the ark with food?


Chris:  Yeah.


Noah:  And you remember how you forgot to stock the ark with food.


Chris:  Yeah.


Noah:  Whose fault is it then?


Chris:  Oh I’m pretty sure it’s your fault somehow.


Noah:  How many animals did we end up pushing to extinction as a result?


Chris:  (Burp).  Pretty much most of them.


Noah:  That’s what I thought.


Chris:  I’ll take the blame for a few of those, but I was completely against eating the cats.


Noah:  That didn’t stop you.


Chris:  No but I was morally opposed to it the whole time and I did my best not to find them delicious.  (Picks his teeth with a cat’s tail).


Noah:  So what do we tell God?


Chris:  Don’t worry about it; I’ll handle it.


Noah:  Thank you.


Chris:  Any birds come back yet?


Noah:  (Sigh).  No.  I sent dozens of types of birds out and nothing’s come back yet.


Chris:  You think they’re dead?


Noah:  At this point…most likely.


Chris:  Okay, but then you’re the one responsible for those extinctions.


Noah:  Fine fine.  (Looks up).  Hey, you see that?


Chris:  What?


Noah:  It’s a dove.


Chris:  Awesome, ‘cause I am starving.


Noah:  (The dove lands on Noah’s arm and drops an olive branch).  An olive branch?  I said go for food!  For food!  What’m I supposed to do with this, huh?!


-Dove shrugs.


Noah:  Dang it.  (Sigh).  Whatever.


God:  Congratulations!  The flood is over!


Chris:  Oh hey, God, when did You get here?


God:  I’m always here and always was here and always will be here.


Chris:  Oh, well then when did You get here?


God:  Just a moment ago.


Chris:  Okay.


God:  Noah, look where your ark is resting!


Noah:  (He looks down and sees that the ark is on a mountain).  Oh great, this is exactly what I was hoping would happen.


God:  And look in the sky!  Do you see the beauty I have created?


Chris:  Is that a rainbow?


God:  Yes, the most beautiful of my promises to you.  A promise that I’ll never wipe out humanity again.


Chris:  Yeah, not bad, but a rainbow?  Isn’t that kinda…you know…?


God:  Kinda what?


Chris:  You know…GWahwAH.


God:  No, rainbows are awesome, and so are everything that I created, so shut up.  Speaking of everything I created, how many animals are left?


Noah:  See, Lord, about that…


Chris:  Noah screwed up there.


Noah:  Hey!


God:  Dang it Noah.  I can’t expect you to do anything, can I?


Noah:  (Falls to his knees). Oh Lord, forgive me!


God:  Hey, that’s some mighty fine groveling.  Okay, all is forgiven.  Just thank Jesus.


Noah:  Who?


Chris:  Trust me, He’s gonna be big.


God:  Alright, well I believe it’s time to move on to the next adventure, wouldn’t you say?


Noah:  But God what about all the animals Chris destroyed?


God:  Hey now, I know he didn’t eat all of those.  You got pretty hungry, too.


Noah:  What will we do to correct this?


God:  I’ve got a guy I know.


Chris:  Oh yeah?  Who?


God:  You’d like him.  He’s already out there working on it for Me.  See him out in the distance?


Chris:  (Squints).  Oh that guy?  He looks pretty happy.


God:  Yeah.  Plus, just look at those eyelashes.  How the heck did he do that?  I mean, sure, I created him and all, but man, even I get surprised sometimes.  Good guy and all when he- Hey!  Stop dancing!  I’m not paying you to dance out there!  Ah what the heck, let him have his fun.  Anyway, that about wraps things up here.


Noah:  I suppose I should go get my wife and sons from in the ark.


Chris:  Your who now?


Noah:  My family.


Chris:  Your what what?


Noah:  My family, fam-  You did get them before the flooding like I asked, right?


Chris:  Uh…what did they look like again?


Noah:  My family, my family.  You don’t know what my family looks like?


Chris:  They weren’t the walruses I grabbed, were they?


Noah:  No!  Are you telling me my family’s DEAD?!


Cain:  (Walking up, soaking wet and coughing).  Hey Chris, hey God.  I saved these four from drowning.  Noah I think they’re your wife and kids.


Noah:  My family!  (Rushes to them and gives them a hug).


God:  Cain, how very thoughtful of you.  I’m impressed.


Cain:  So uh, does this mean I’m no longer cursed?  Huh?  Please?


God:  Cain, how very selfish of you.  I’m distressed.


Cain:  But, uh-


God:  Bye bye!  (Flicks Cain).


Cain:  GAH~  You haven’t see the last of meeeeeee~


Chris:  What’s up next for us, God?


God:  For a while, peace and prosperity, more or less.


Chris:  It’s gonna be less rather than more, right?


God:  Well, you know how you were complaining about nothing really cool happening?


Chris:  Yeah.


God:  Things are about to get NUTS.


Chris:  Hooray!


And with that, Noah had successfully navigated his ark, bringing two of every animal to the new world…more or less.  I forget how most of the events happened, but I’m pretty sure that’s the main gist of it.  And as God said, for a while, I wasn’t too important, but that’s just because there weren’t too many humans on the earth for me to bother.  Not for a while anyway.


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