Channel 70 News: Episode 6

June 13, 2009 at 11:32 pm (Channel 70 news) (, )

*Author’s note:  For the final episode, I had planned to pull out all the stops, though technical difficulties ravaged us like no other.  Literally, we turned in the episode at the last possible second, though we weren’t able to include the sound effects for Sam’s scene, an aspect I regretted both then and now as it nearly ruined the episode completely.  However, the heartfelt end was where we left it, and on I went to write Game Studs.


Channel 70 News Episode 6

Written by Chris Pranger


(New intro of the Channel 70 News Team logo scribbled on a piece of notebook paper or something of that nature with someone “doot-doot-dooing” behind it.  Camera pulls back and Johnny is holding the piece of paper.  As soon as the camera catches him he runs off frightened).


Diana:  Good evening everyone.  I’m Diana Miranda.  (Turns to Dave, basically defeated).  And who are you tonight?


Dave:  Oh please, I’m great.  You know that.


Diana:  And these are some…news stories for the evening.


Dave:  What’s the point?


Diana:  Dave, just because we’re the last place news team doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still try.


Dave:  Actually it kinda does.


Diana:  Well I don’t care what you think anymore.


Dave:  Yeah ya do.


Diana:  Here’s tonight’s news.  (Looks at her notes briefly).  Today, there was a small disturbance on the Washington turnpike when 30 tons of C-4 fell off a truck and onto a local elementary school south of exit 3.  We now go live to Johnny Jenson in the Channel 70 News copter.  Johnny, how is traffic looking down there?


Johnny:  (Still image of Johnny smiling and giving a thumbs-up with Johnny’s voice-over).  Hey guys, Johnny here, and I’m in a helicopter!


Diana:  That’s great Johnny, but can you tell us what the traffic’s looking like?


Johnny:  Certainly!  I’m seeing some heavy congestion right around where the initial explosion took place, mostly because everyone wants to see what a flaming elementary school looks like.


Dave:  What does it look like?


Johnny:  What do you think it looks like?  It looks like Dwight Eisenhower driving a snowmobile backwards through the Bermuda Triangle, by which I mean ABSOLUTELY FREAKING CRAZY.


Diana:  Were any of the kids injured?


Johnny:  Luckily no.  I know I know, I’m surprised too; usually I’d think that 30 tons of C-4 would have hurt someone but these kids are troopers.


Diana:  Thank you Johnny.


Johnny:  Oh no, it seems that the Batmobile has shown up and it’s out of control!  Ahhh!


Dave:  (Batmobile flies past Dave’s face).  Oh Jesus…


Johnny:  (Camera zooms out and shows that Johnny is sitting next to Diana with a headset on, playing with toy cars).  What?  (Sees the camera and panics).  Oh no!  (Runs out of the shot, then quickly back in with a piece of paper, then back out again).


Diana:  (Reads the piece of paper).  Oh, it seems we have some breaking news.  Our very own Sam the Go-To guy has found himself stationed…in Iraq.


Dave:  How the hell did we send him to Iraq?


Diana:  I don’t know; Sam, can you hear us?


Sam:  (Standing in front of the green screen, by which I mean an Iraqi battlefield.  All manner of war noises are going on.  Seriously Brad, go nuts with them).  Hi Dave, hi Diana.  It’s hard to hear all of you, a bomb went off a few feet from my ear and some shrapnel has lodged itself in the back of my neck.  I’m a little worried.


Dave:  Sam, how’s the war look?


Sam:  What?  How the hell do you think it looks Dave?!  It’s a war!  A WAR!  Bombs!  Boom!  Guns!  Rat-tat-tat-tat!  Tanks!  WADOOM!  I could literally die at any second!


Dave:  So we’re winning?


Sam:  Um…(Turns around to look at the battlefield and shrugs).  It’s hard to tell really.  I asked an Iraqi civilian and he shot me in the knee, so then I asked an American solider and he shot me in the other knee, and then I asked Geraldo Rivera and he laughed and shot me in the back of both my knees.  I tell you Dave, if I hadn’t already had both my legs amputated during a previous live report at the Nixon Thunderdome, then this trip would have been miserable.  (Hears a radio communication from off-screen).  What?  Really?  Dave, Diana, it seems that they’re ordering an air strike on my exact location, and I do mean EXACT LOCATION, so I’m gonna have to send it back to you guys in the studio.


Diana:  (Back in the studio).  Thank you Sam.


Sam:  (Back in Iraq.  A horrible whistling noise is heard from overheard.  Sam looks up in response).  Oh dear.


Dave:  (Back in the studio again).  Meh, he’ll be fine.  (Sound effect of a nuke or something.  After the sound effect ends, Johnny runs up and hands Dave another piece of paper very enthusiastically.  Dave reads it).  What?  Johnny, is this real?  (Johnny nods fiercely).  Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that there was a news conference going on in the elementary school that was wiped out earlier today, and every other news team in the area has been obliterated, which by a freak coincidence makes us…the area’s number one news team!


Diana:  Oh my God!


Dave:  Let’s kick this pony!  Channel 70 News Team unite!  (Johnny runs into the scene as Dave and Diana stand up from their chairs, the three high-five to a freeze frame).


Frank:  (All of his narration will be done to still images.  Also, he’ll be talking with a country-drawl).  Yep, so that’s the story of the Channel 70 News Team.  (Still image of Diana).  Diana Miranda went on to become a pop sensation in Japan following her leaving the program.  She’s happily married and has three sons, all of which are named Dave.  (Still image of Dave).  David Trenton ran for president down the line, winning in a landslide against George W. Bush Jr. the 3rd.  Sadly, he did nothing but abuse his power and was soon shot in the face by himself after claiming he was God.  He’s okay though, and still berates Diana to this day.  (Image of Johnny).  Jonathon Jenson went on to replace Kelly Rippa on Regis and Kelly, and then soon replaced Regis as well, becoming the first TV personality to host a show where he talked to himself for an hour straight.  He has won thirteen Emmys and a Grammy.  (Image of Sam).  Samuel Spitz did not die in Iraq, but lived a long life as a result of months of reconstructive surgery using bio-mechanics.  He now patrols the Northwest as a vigilante known only as “Los Spitz”.  (Camera finally pulls back and shows Frank, sitting in a rocking chair with either a banjo or an acoustic guitar).  And me?  Well I’m just a humble camera man who was content to enjoy my music and roll with what the world gave me, which turned out to be one hell of an inheritance.  And now you know the whole story.  It was good while it lasted, and its legend shall live on forever.  Y’all take care now.  (Begins playing his instrument as the credits roll and the camera pulls back further).


End of Channel 70 News


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