Channel 70 News: Episode 5

June 13, 2009 at 11:24 pm (Channel 70 news) (, )

*Author’s Note:  For this epsiode there is a joke about Dave suggesting a news story that involves him giving a cigarette to a child that’s he’s doing ollies over on a skateboard.  This is a direct reference to something else that happened that week in another segment.  Someone else’s segment had been cut due to showing footage of a skateboarder doing ollies over a child.  Everyone was massively confused by the choice, but as it turns out, showing children in danger was something we weren’t allowed to do.  How odd.

 

Channel 70 News Episode 5

Written by Chris Pranger

 

Opening:  We’ll be using the “Behind Channel 70” intro again.

 

Diana:  (In the interview position).  The creative process involved with doing the nightly news can be pretty strenuous at times, but I think that it’s all worth it in the end.

 

Setting:  The EMU meeting room, wherever that actually is.  Basically a boardroom.  The cast is all sitting around the table with notepads and writing utensils.

 

Dave:  Alright everyone, we’re all tired and hung-over at this point, so let’s just get through this brainstorming meeting and go pass out again, okay?  So first order of business-

 

Diana:  Um, Dave, shouldn’t we take role to make sure everyone’s here?

 

Dave:  No, moving on-

 

Diana:  Well I’m here Dave, just in case you were wondering.  (Laughs).

 

Dave:  No one cares.  So first order of business, we need a decent news story to start out with.  I’m thinking that we just show footage of me drinking while doing ollies over a child, whom I’ve given a cigarette to, all while cursing and giving sound advice on how to kill yourself.

 

Diana:  Uh…Dave, I don’t think that’s anywhere near appropriate content…

 

Dave:  Don’t care.  (Turns to Johnny).  Johnny, what’ve you got?

 

Johnny:  (Fiercely coloring with crayons).  Huh?  (Stops coloring and holds up his drawing).  I’ve got a duck!  (Looks at his drawing, he states very matter-of-factly).  It is green.

 

Dave:  So you’ve got nothing then.

 

Johnny:  No, I’ve got a duck.

 

Dave:  Sam, what about you?

 

Sam:  Well Dave, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m wondering if I can maybe just stay in the studio this week and give a commentary piece?

 

Dave:  Nope.  I’m assigning you the gun show.

 

Sam:  Gun show?

 

Diana:  Oh right, isn’t that the good-will gun show for reformed convicts?

 

Sam:  (Begins to get worried).  Eeeee…

 

Dave:  Perfect, that counts as us caring for the day.

 

Sam:  WAIT!  (Trying to think of a way out of this).  I can’t do the story!  Because…because I’m morally opposed to guns!

 

Dave:  And I’m morally opposed to dumb-asses but I see them every day.  So you’re covering the gun show.

 

Sam:  Eee…okay…

 

Diana:  Dave, I’ve got a good story idea.

 

Dave:  It doesn’t involve your hair does it?

 

Diana:  No, it involves some real hard hitting news coverage.

 

Dave:  Not interested, don’t care.

 

Diana:  Dave, please just hear me out.

 

Dave:  (Checks his watch).  Speak fast.

 

Diana:  (Gets excited).  Okay, so I was thinking of doing a news package about the restoration of the Lincoln Playhouse in the theatre district and how it’s a landmark to both this city and culture in general.  What do you think?

 

Dave:  It sucks.

 

Diana:  But I-

 

Dave:  Nope, sucks.  (Practically sings to himself).  Sucks sucks sucks.  It sucks.  (Looks to Johnny).  Johnny?

 

Johnny:  Hahaha, suck!

 

Dave:  (Looks to Sam).  Sam?

 

Sam:  (Worried).  Um…

 

Dave:  (Glares).  Say it…

 

Sam:  Ahh!  It sucks!

 

Dave:  See Diana?  The consensus is: it sucks.  (Turns to Johnny again).  Johnny, any idea what weather’s going to be like this week?

 

Johnny:  (Hardly looking up from his coloring).  Probably fire in there somewhere…maybe with a Phoenix…

 

Diana:  Now Johnny, you’ve been doing an awful lot of weather reports that relate to fire.  Why don’t you just report on the real weather for a change?

 

Dave:  (Patronizing her even further).  Well now, Diana, that’s not really a fair question.  I mean, Johnny has every right to ask you why you don’t just stop being a whore for a while, but he’s been kind enough to draw his duck instead of being a whiny bitch.

 

Diana:  (Snaps).  That’s it!  I’m tired of you berating me every single day Dave!  I don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially not from a narcissistic bastard who has no friends and no future and who wouldn’t be missed if he turned up dead the next morning!  I’m sick of it Dave and I’m not putting up with it!  You can burn in Hell for all I care!

 

Dave:  (Taken aback).  Diana…you’ve never spoken to me like that before.  (Seems sincere).  I’ve never been more attracted to you.

 

Diana:  (Also taken aback).  R…really?  (So hopeful).

 

Dave:  (Instantly back to his old self, yelling in her face).  NOPE!  (Turns back to the others).  Alright, so if we’ve got no further business this meeting is adjourned.  (The others get up and start to leave).

 

Diana:  (Still in shock).  But…but…

 

Dave:  (Leaving).  Down the road, not across the street.

 

Diana:  (Back in the interview position).  Yep…it can be strenuous at times…  (Looks directly at the camera and accentuates her words).  Every single night…

 

End of Episode

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