The Story of Cain and Abel and Chris

May 24, 2009 at 9:32 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )


The Story of Cain and Abel and Chris


So if y’all remember, a while back I found myself at the In The Beginning stages of time, what with God creating Adam and Eve and whatnot.  He had told them not to eat the fruit from a specific tree and asked me to keep an eye on them and wouldn’t you know it, I screwed up.  Long story short, I’m partly to blame for Original Sin.  Doesn’t matter.  From there on out things got a little hectic as it seemed God wasn’t quite done with these kids.


God:  Alright then, Adam, Eve, how’s life treating you since you got booted from Eden?


Adam:  Uh…you know, things have been good.


Eve:  No, long story short, I hate our lives and hate You, too.


God:  Wonderful!  Glad to hear the punishment’s going so well.  Oh by the way, Eve, you know that thing that you and Adam do every so often?


Eve:  Sex?  You mean sex?  Yes God, what about it?  It’s the only decent thing we have out here.


Adam:  It’s great!


God:  Yes well, guess what?  Wabam, you’re pregnant!  See ya!


-God leaves again.


Adam:  What’s pregnant?


Eve:  I don’t know; beats me.


Chris:  (Walks by with a shovel).  Hey, don’t I know you two from somewhere?


Eve:  Uh, yeah, like, from the Garden of Eden.


Chris:  Oh yeah!  I remember you two!  Weren’t you, like, snakes or something?


Eve:  Ug, no, we were the first two humans.


Adam:  Actually, I was kinda the first human and you came from me.


Eve:  Whatever, you always come first.  Stupid men.


Chris:  Yeah yeah, I remember.  You guys screwed up pretty badly, didn’t you?


Eve:  Yes, and you helped if I remember correctly.


Chris:  Nah I don’t think you do.  Anyway, what’s new?


Adam:  Hey, what’s “pregnant”?


Chris:  Um, really?


Eve:  Yeah, God told us that I’m pregnant now.  What’s He talking about?


Chris:  Oh, that means you’re gonna have a baby?


Adam:  Ohhh…what’s a baby?


Chris:  It’s another human.


Eve:  Pff, yeah, and where’s this new human gonna come from?


Chris:  Uh…down…down there.  (Points at the baby spot).


Eve:  …What?


Adam:  Hahaha, nah that can’t…oh.  Oh no.


Eve:  (Yells off to God).  Hey God!  We’ve got a problem!


God:  What’s up everyone?


Chris:  Hey God.


God:  S’up.


Eve:  Is it true that I’m about to fire a human from my crotch?


God:  Yup.  Pretty funny, huh?


Adam:  Heeheehee…


Eve:  (Smacks Adam).  No, it’s absolutely not.


God:  (Sigh).  Fine, I’ll make it a small human.


Eve:  No deal.  Take it away.


God:  Sorry, you’ve got a looooooong way to wait for Planned Parenthood to show up, and you’re already in enough trouble with Me, so I’d advise staying away from there and just having Abel already.


Adam:  God?  What’s an Abel?


God:  It’s a name.  It’s what you’re gonna end up naming your child.


Eve:  Hey, You’re not birthing it, so You’re not naming it.  I’ll name it myself.


God:  Fine, name it Cain for all I care.  I’m outta here.  Oh wait, Chris?


Chris:  Yes?


God:  Job for you.


Chris:  More snakes?


God:  No, things are about to get really, oh, how shall we say…bad very suddenly.  Keep an eye on things for Me until I get back from vacation.


Chris:  Where You going?


God:  Nowhere in particular.  Just any and everywhere.  I’ll be back when the plot demands.


Chris:  Well, have fun.


God:  Always do.  (Gone).


Eve:  Well now what do we do?


Chris:  If I remember things correctly, breathing exercises.


Eve:  I know how to breathe.


Adam:  Yeah!  What’re you saying about my Eve?!


Eve:  Ug, I’m not your Eve, I’m my Eve.  You’re my Adam.  Now go get me some watermelon; I suddenly really want some.


Adam:  What’s a watermelon?


Eve:  (Waves Chris off).  Go, go help him.


-Nine months later…


Adam:  Hey Eve, I don’t mean to say anything but…you’ve gotten really fat.


Eve:  I’m pretty sure this is all God’s fault.


Chris:  It’ll all be gone in a little bit though.  How you feeling?


Eve:  Meh, a little queasy but nothing-HAAAA!


Adam:  What the heck?!


-Birthing scene…I’m not describing this.




Chris:  That’s a baby, and Eve just gave birth to it.


Eve:  (Exhausted).  ARG.  I’m not doing that again.


-Another nine months later.


Eve:  Adam?  I hate you.


-More birthing.


Chris:  Well, that makes two babies.  You ready to name them?


Adam:  Well, I think we should name this one Abel.


Eve:  Yeah, and we might as well name the first one now, too.  I’m naming it Cain.


Chris:  Wonderful!  Cain and Abel, what a couple of scamps.  I bet nothing bad’s ever gonna happen to them.


Eve:  Alright, well I’m bored.  Here, you take ‘em.


-Eve hands two babies to Chris.


Chris:  …Oh no.


Adam:  See ya buddy!


-Adam and Eve leave before promptly fornicating again.


Chris:  (Looks back and forth between the babies).  Sometimes, I hate my life.


-Years later.  The two babies are now nearly teenagers.


Abel:  Hey Chris, what cha doin’?


Chris:  (Pacing with a shovel).  Patrolling for snakes.  You can’t be too careful about these things.


Abel:  What’s wrong with snakes?


Chris:  They’re evil, wicked creatures sent to tempt you into sin.  Also, those suckers got fangs and crap and that stuff’s scary as well.


Abel:  Oh, well I don’t like snakes then.  Scary things scare me.


Cain:  (Runs up).  Hey losers, check what I just found.  (Holds up a snake).


Abel:  Whoa, what’s that?


Cain:  I call it, “snake.”  Pretty sick, huh?


Abel:  (Freaks out).  WAAAAAAH!


Chris:  HeeYUT.  (Swings his shovel like a bat and hits the snake out of Cain’s hands and off into the distance).


Cain:  Hey, why’d you do that?


Chris:  New rule for you two.  No snakes.  Ever.  Ever ever.  That snake didn’t say anything to you, did it?


Cain:  Snakes can’t talk, stupid.  The thing just kept hissing.  I don’t speak snake.  What do I look like, Harry Potter?


Chris:  Alright, fine, just don’t play with snakes anymore, okay?  Go take up, I don’t know, farming or something.


Cain:  Fine.  There’s nothing better to do anyway.  Not like there’s any chicks around here.


Chris:  Yeah, and if you find any, best not deal with them if you can help it.  They’re probably related to you.  Your parents are kinda the only other people on Earth right now.


Abel:  What’s mom and dad like?  I sure do miss them.


Chris:  Well, Adam’s kinda like you, Abel.  And…


-Cain is seen in the background picking up another snake.


Chris:  Cain’s more like his mother.  Tell you what; go play with some sheep.  You might just like it.


Abel:  Are they scary, like snakes?


Chris:  No, they’re soft and cuddly, like clouds.


Abel:  Yay!  (Claps his hands and runs off to look for sheep).


Chris:  Good kid.  Sucks to be him.


-More years pass.  Cain and Abel are fully-grown now.


Chris:  (Walks up to Cain’s farm).  Hey Cain, how’re things?


Cain:  Shut up; I’m farming.


Chris:  What sort of crops you got this year?


Cain:  Seeing as how you don’t eat vegetables, do you really care?


Chris:  Hey, I like corn.  Have you any corn?


Cain:  No, I purposely don’t grow things you like.  I hate you.


Chris:  That’s cool.  Hey, where’s Abel?


Abel:  (Walks up with a flock of sheep).  Greetings my friends and brothers!


Cain:  Oh, look who showed up.  Must be so hard watching sheep all day.


Abel:  Such a rewarding job.  I’ve seen every sheep grow and become old, just like me and you.  Except Chris.  Why are you the same age as when we first met you?


Chris:  (Shrugs).  I uh-no.  That’s just how I roll.  Nice sheep by the way.


Abel:  You really think so?  I was planning on taking this group to God, you know, as a thank you.


Cain:  Thank you for what?


Abel:  Well for being God.  Must be difficult running the universe.  It’s the least I can do.


Cain:  No, the least you can do is nothing, and you nearly do that as it is.


Chris:  Don’t listen to him.  Go, God loves sheep.


Abel:  Oh Lord!  I pray to Thee!  I have an offering to give unto You!


God:  (Appears in the sky).  Huh, huh, who said offering?  (Looks down).  Oh hey!  Abel!  How are you?


Abel:  I am well; thank you, Lord.


God:  And Cain, Chris, I see you two are doing very well.


Cain:  Meh.


Chris:  No snakes, Sir.  I’ve been very good about that.  (Salutes with his shovel).


God:  Glad to hear it.  So, what’s all this offering business I’m told so much about?


Abel:  Lord, I wanted to save this for Your birthday, but I have no idea when Your birthday is, so I have for You a flock of my best sheep.


God:  I LOVE sheep!


Cain:  And uh, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise, but I have an entire field of crops for you as well and since everyone’s apparently throwing their hard work away, here, it’s for you.


God:  Hmm…I noticed you didn’t capitalize My name when you referred to Me as “you,” so I am displeased.  Also, no corn?  What the heck?  I made everything and said “it was good,” but I was just being nice to vegetables.  Try harder next year.  Abel, nice work though.


Chris:  How’s the vacation going?


God:  Not bad, not bad.  Incidentally, if you happen to run across a planet named Mars anytime soon and wonder why it’s completely barren and unlivable, uh, better just not ask.


Chris:  Will do.


God:  See y’all later then.  (Waves and leaves).


Abel:  Ah, the joy of serving God.  What a treat.


Cain:  What the hell?  Why didn’t He like my offering?


Abel:  Clearly you did not give Him enough of yourself or your finest.  You have many fresher and more bountiful fields, yet you decided to give Him this unfortunate piece of land.


Cain:  He’s God; how am I supposed to shop for that?  He’s got everything!  He made everything!  This is BULLCRAP!


Abel:  Hmm.  Well, sorry to hear that you don’t respect our Lord enough.  Okay, if anyone needs me I’m going to go tend to my millions upon millions of sheep.  (Walks away).


Chris:  (Pats Cain on the back as he fumes).  Sorry ‘bout that man.  Better luck next time.


Cain:  Give me your shovel.


Chris:  (Freaks out and looks at the ground).  Why?!  You see a snake?!


Cain:  Sure.  Snakes.


Chris:  Alright.  Here ya go.  (Hands him the shovel).


Cain:  I’ll be back.  Keep an eye on my crops.


Chris:  Will do.


-An hour goes by as Cain finally comes back.


Cain:  Sorry that took so long.


Chris:  Before you ask why all your crops are on fire, please consider that I’ve never been that great at gardening in the first place.


Cain:  (Breaks down upon seeing his fields engulfed in flames).  AAAAAHHHH!!!!


God:  (Appears suddenly in the sky, extremely angry).  HEY!


Chris:  Hey God, how goes it?


God:  Will someone please explain this?!


-God holds out a dead Abel with a shovel in his back.


Chris:  Hey, isn’t that my shoveloh no.




Cain:  Okay, before we all go crazy about who killed whom with what, let’s take a moment to first-


God:  You are sooooo cursed.


Cain:  Wait cursed, why?


God:  Abel is now DEAD.


Abel:  (Sits up).  Yeah, I’m dead.


Cain:  Well…stop to think about this for a second.  Maybe I just did it as an offering to you.


God:  No no, you must call Me “You” with a capital letter!  Have you learned nothing about how to write for Me?  I’m so glad your crops are engulfed in flames.


Chris:  Yay!  I helped!


God:  Cain, you are herby cursed to walk the Earth forever.


Cain:  I can’t die?


God:  More or less, no.


Cain:  I see no downside to this.


God:  Trust Me; your life is about to suck from here on out.


Chris:  (Raises his hand).  Can I try and kill him?


God:  No.  Anyone who kills Cain or even attempts to kill Cain with be cursed seven times over.


Chris:  Well that’d sure suck.


God:  Yes.  Totally My point.  Now Cain, be gone from My sight.


Cain:  Okay, I’m going.


God:  And remember to wander aimlessly!  That’s part of the punishment!


Cain:  I’m gonna go see what mom and dad are up to.


Abel:  (Waves).  Tell them I said hi!  Also that I’m dead!


God:  Alright, that’s all for now.  Chris, you’ve done well as snake hunter.


Chris:  Do I get my shovel back?


God:  Nnnno, it’s pretty stuck in Abel.  I think we’ll just leave it there for now.  Besides, it was only really that one snake I needed killed.  I don’t even remember asking you to go kill all those snakes, but it sure was entertaining.  Anyway, I’ll be seeing you.


Chris:  Wait!  What should I do in the meantime?


God:  I don’t know; the Bible’s gonna be pretty boring for a while.  Just keep track of who’s begetting whom until something big happens, ‘kay?  (Gone).


Chris:  Huh.  Well, better get to work on this thing then.  (Pulls out a book and a quill).  Okay, “Genesis: Chapter 1.”  No, that’s boring.  “Eclipse Star: Genesis: Chapter 1.”  Much better!


-And so, that was the story of Cain and Abel, or what little of it I actually remember.  I probably should have written it down, but I chose to write DBZ fan fiction with my name inserted as a character instead.  Dang, now it really is starting to rain.  Wonder why…


1 Comment

  1. Atmajyoti Kapoor said,

    if we transfer control of Mind over body to our Soul then we can bring in ourselves those multitude of qualities that Supreme Being has because our Soul is part of God.

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