Jesus and the Mustard Seeds

May 20, 2009 at 9:16 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  More time passed between writing the Jesus Conversations and eventually the order starts to fall apart from lack of memory and inclusion of events happening in my life.  At some point I wrote a very short Jesus Conversation as read here, but they would soon become larger again.  Until then, enjoy.


Chris:  So I’ve stumbled upon the secrets of the universe.


Jesus:  (Reading a newspaper while eating waffles).  Oh that’s nice.


Chris:  No no, for reals this time.


Jesus:  For rizzif?


Chris:  For rizzle fo shizzle even.


Jesus:  Well that’s pretty “dope,” or whatever you kids say nowadays.


Chris:  (Waiting briefly).  So then?


Jesus:  (Bit confused).  So what?


Chris:  Don’t you wanna know the secrets of the universe?


Jesus:  Um…I’m kinda Jesus H. Christ; I sorta already know those.


Chris:  Sure sure, but don’t you want to hear my take on them?


Jesus:  Not particularly.  Should I?


Chris:  Uh, yeah, because it’s airproof.  What’re your theories gonna consist of?  Mustard seeds?  Yeah, hah, like that’s gonna go over well.


Jesus:  Hey don’t underestimate the usefulness of the mustard seed.  Let me tell you a story-


Chris:  Does it involve mustard seeds?


Jesus:  Ye-no, no it doesn’t.  It involves a man who had far too much wealth for one lifetime to enjoy.


Chris:  How’d he acquire so much wealth?


Jesus:  He…well he was a good businessman.  Very charismatic, very ruthless.


Chris:  Good golfer?


Jesus:  Decent.  Anyway, for years and years all he did was accumulate wealth and then you know what happened at the end of his life?  (Chris shrugs).  N…no, you’ve gotta guess.


Chris:  He died?


Jesus:  Well yeah, but beyond that, do you know what happened?


Chris:  I have no clue.  I assume he went to Heaven, maybe?


Jesus:  No, the point is he couldn’t take all the wealth with him.  His immeasurable riches remained on Earth unspent because he didn’t have a family or friends or anything of the sort.


Chris:  What the hell sort of business was he in?


Jesus:  Mustard seeds.


Chris:  Aha!


Jesus:  Not important.  Didn’t you get the importance of the moral?


Chris:  Mustard seeds bad?


Jesus:  No, mustard seeds are good.  (Thinks to himself).  But only if you use them for noble intentions.  (Thinks some more).  And don’t plant them in rocks or sand.  That’d just be foolish.  (Looks back to Chris).  Are you getting any of this?


Chris:  (Dumbfounded).  Um, yes.  So anyway, my theory of the secrets of the universe…


Jesus:  Combo of the Big Bang and Evolution.


Chris:  W…what?


Jesus:  Oh I’m sorry, you had something different, right?


Chris:  Slightly…


Jesus:  Well then what was it?


Chris:  Mustard seeds?


Jesus:  Good answer!  I like it!  (Goes back to eating waffles and reading his newspaper).


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