Jesus and I Discuss Sex

May 20, 2009 at 9:21 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

The other day I found myself hanging out with Jesus in my room yet again. At this time it occurred to me that I never asked him his opinions on a very tricky subject, namely sex. This seemed as good a time as any so I asked him straight out.

Chris: Hey Jesus, where do babies come from?

Jesus: …

Chris: Well? Aren’t you going to tell me?

Jesus: I’m not sure you’re old enough for me to explain this to you.

Chris: I’m 21; that’s plenty old.

Jesus: I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure you have to be at least 42 before you’re allowed to even hear how sex works.

Chris: I seriously doubt it. Stop stalling and spill the beans.

Jesus: Ug, and so it begins…

Chris: Just tell me how it all happens.

Jesus: *sigh* Alright. You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, they decide that it’s time to take the next step in their relationship.

Chris: Sex?

Jesus: No, dating. Sex won’t come until much later in this explanation.

Chris: So what’s allowed on these dates?

Jesus: Holding hands.

Chris: And talking?

Jesus: No, they’re not even allowed to look at each other until they’re married, so talking can be difficult.

Chris: How are they supposed to communicate?

Jesus: Mostly by squeezing hands. You shouldn’t date until you have a firm understanding of Morse Code.

Chris: And if you don’t?

Jesus: Then you’re not ready to date. After about…10 years of dating-

Chris: Ten?

Jesus: Yes 10 at the very least.

Chris: Why 10?

Jesus: How will you be sure that you really know this person until you’ve dated them for 10 years?

Chris: I haven’t got an answer to that.

Jesus: No you don’t. Anyway, after 10 years of dating they decide that marriage is the way to go. I suggest having the wedding in a church so that I can watch over it very closely to make sure they don’t talk to each other until after they’re pronounced husband and wife.

Chris: And then comes the sex?

Jesus: No, then comes a second wedding, and possibly a third.

Chris: You mean they’ve gotta divorce and then remarry?

Jesus: No, they just need to make sure that the first marriage took. The second wedding is a back up in case the other one was just a fluke.

Chris: So now that they’ve dated for 10 years and gone through at least 2 weddings, now they’re ready for sex?

Jesus: Yes, after they get their sex license.

Chris: Sex license?

Jesus: Yes sex license. They’re gonna have to get a sex license from the government before they can actually do it and the government doesn’t give out sex licenses until you hit 42.

Chris: And after that?

Jesus: Then comes sex.

Chris: Anything special that I should know about wedding-night protocol?

Jesus: When engaging in the act, always have a Bible to recite from so that what you’re doing doesn’t pollute your mind.

Chris: Wouldn’t you start associating the Bible with sex though?

Jesus: Only if you’re a sick, sick person. Any more questions?

Chris: Yeah, how does sex work?

Jesus: Magic.

Chris: That good eh?

Jesus: You’re asking a 2000-year-old virgin here, what do I know about sex?

Chris: You’ve got a point there.

Jesus: You already know about sex. Why are you asking me anyway?

Chris: I was curious to see your stance on sex.

Jesus: If you can go your whole life without it then more power to ya.

Chris: And if you can’t?

Jesus: Then you’re human.

Chris: So what would you think if I engaged in the act of sex?

Jesus: That’s a pretty big “if” right there.

Chris: Ha ha, just answer the darn question.

Jesus: Okay, if you somehow found a way to engage in the act of sex I would first off ask myself “how?” and then “why?”

Chris: How and why what?

Jesus: “How did you convince someone to sleep with you?” and “Why would they do it?”

Chris: You have no confidence in my ability to find a woman, do you?

Jesus: Of course I do, but as of now, why would anyone except Thomas want to sleep with you?

Chris: You do have a point there…

Jesus: This whole conversation is rather absurd anyway. Why don’t we talk about something you understand better, like snack foods.

Chris: I just wanted to know your stance on the matter, that’s all.

Jesus: The bottom line is, don’t do anything until you’ve found that true love. That answer your question?

Chris: Yes finally. Okay, Pringles; Sinful or heavenly?

Jesus: Definitely sinful. Stackable snacks sound like the work of the devil.

Chris: And pretzels?

Jesus: God’s snack of choice. Low in fat, high in salt and a whole lot of twisted craziness. He says it’s his favorite creation.

Chris: I thought man was.

Jesus: Nah, it goes pretzels, women, dolphins, eggplant, Shrinky-dinks, the platypus, and then man.

Chris: Hmm, makes sense to me. I’d definitely put Shrinky-dinks way up there too.

Jesus: Now if you’re done talking nonsense I believe it’s time for Seinfeld.

Chris: Indeed it is.

* * * * *

And with that Jesus inadvertently explained his position on sex, which he later told me was plain old missionary position.

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