Gods Playing Poker

May 20, 2009 at 9:34 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

*Author’s note:  Here is the beast.  During my senior year of high school I submitted “My Buddy Jesus” to the theatre department as a one act for the festival.  It was rejected for obvious reasons.  The next day I submitted this one act, titled “God’s Playing Poker.”  It soon became a hit.  This is not the original script, but rather an updated version over the years with more content added.  It’s gone through multiple drafts and a filmed version was made, though the footage has since been lost after two failed attempts to convert it to a DVD, including one moment of a teacher erasing everything a mere hour before it was to be viewed for a final project.  Regardless, the premise is pretty standard, though you’ll be able to see where some jokes continue from or even begin, as well as some themes that appear throughout.  The main goal was to entertain and to give people something to enjoy.  So, I recommend you take that advice and enjoy.

 

Gods Playing Poker

 

Written By Chris Pranger

 

Characters:

 

God:  Main character. God has a temper at times.  When he gets mad, he talks faster.

 

Jesus:  Son of God; acts like a teenager for the most part.  Very innocent and fun loving but annoyed with God.

 

Lucifer:  Soft-spoken and sneaky.  She hates just about everyone, especially God, although seems very civil towards Buddha.  Played by a woman.

 

Buddha:  Laid back and calm all the time.  Doesn’t speak much but whenever he does it’s usually important and clearly stated.  Sounds smarter than everyone else by using larger words.

 

Santa Claus:  Big fat jerk.  Jesus and Santa do not get along at all.  Although Santa has an image of being a kindhearted man, he actually takes great joy in making fun of others and enjoys the sinful pleasures.  Santa is smoking a cigar.

 

Chris:  Jesus’ friend from Earth.  Chris comes to visit Jesus for the night and ends up joining the poker game.  He is witty and thought provoking, yet is still only human.  Can be played by either a boy or a girl.

 

Setting:  There is a large table set up center stage.  There are 6 chairs around it.  There is a refrigerator on stage left and a coat rack on stage right with various jackets and coats on it, namely Santa’s jacket.  God sits at the head of the table, Santa is to his right, Buddha is to his left.  To Santa’s right is Lucifer.  There are chips and drinks on the table as well as poker chips and money.  A game of poker is already in progress.

 

God:  Haha, so it seems that I win again.

 

Lucifer:  No surprise there, God…

 

God:  Silence, wicked one!

 

Santa:  I haven’t been here for more than an hour and already I’m near broke.  This is frigging ridiculous.

 

Buddha:  Gentlemen, gentlemen, let us just take solace in the fact that we have a chance to get together and reminisce.  There’s rarely any free time in the world anymore, what with everyone asking things of us.

 

Santa:  (Thinking of a select wish)  I wish for a bike…

 

God:  (Thinking of a select wish)  I wish for world peace…

 

Lucifer:  (Thinking)  I wish I could earn Microsoft a few extra bucks…

 

Buddha:  God, I hear that you’ve raised a fine son.  Where is he tonight?  Why isn’t he here playing poker with us?

 

God:  He’s in his room again playing some sort of video game.  Jesus!  (No answer.)  JESUS!  Get in here!

 

Jesus:  (Comes storming in from off stage left.  He has headphones on.)  Darn it dad, I’m playin’ Grand Theft Auto in there. What’d you need?

 

God:  Grand Theft Auto?!  You know I don’t like those sorts of games!  Why aren’t you playing your Nintendo like a good boy?

 

Jesus:  Dad, no one calls it a “Nintendo” anymore unless they’re from the 60’s, and everyone makes fun of me for playing anything make by Nintendo.  They say that all the games they make are for children.

 

Santa:  Yet the only thing kids ask for on their Christmas list are games that involve killing hookers…

 

God:  What?  That’s crazy!  Didn’t you explain that it’s not a kiddy system but rather a family fun experience?

 

Jesus:  Yes, and all they do is laugh and play Grand Theft Auto, so that’s all I can play to be part of the “In Crowd.”  I don’t have anyone who’s willing to play those kiddie games with me.

 

God:  What about that foolish mortal kid…(Snaps his fingers in thought).  What’s his face…uh…uh…Chris?

 

Jesus:  Well that’s true.  He’s actually supposed to be here any time, too.

 

Lucifer:  Good, he can play poker with us.

 

Jesus:  No, we’re gonna go hang out in my room.

 

God:  Nonsense! You’ll sit with your ol’ dad and play a game for once.

 

Jesus:  Uh…Chris should be here by now.  (Keeps checking his watch and tapping his foot impatiently).  Why’s he so late?

 

God:  Go down there and look for him – it’ll save time.

 

Jesus:  Oh no, I’m not going back there.  You remember what happened last time I went to Earth?

 

Lucifer:  I do.

 

Jesus:  Does this refresh any memories dad?  (Poses in the crucifix pose.)

 

God:  There you go, making a martyr of yourself again.  (Doorbell rings.)  Good, that must be him.  (God’s voice booms out).  Come forth, mortal!  (Thunder sounds go off and the lights flash as God throws his arms up).

 

Chris:  (Walks in from off stage right.)  I don’t think I’m ever gonna get used to that.

 

Jesus: Hey Chris, ‘bout time you found me. 

 

Chris:  Yeah, your house isn’t exactly the easiest house to locate on the block…

 

Jesus:  Well now that you’re here, what say we go hang out in my room?

 

God:  (Very sly) What say you play a game of poker with us…?  (Slowly shuffling the cards.)

 

Chris:  Hah, I’m not much for poker.  I suck at that game.

 

Lucifer:  We all do.  God sees to it.  (Pulls out a cigarette and lights it.)

 

God:  Lucifer, those things’ll kill you.

 

Lucifer:  (Takes a puff) I’ll just sue the tobacco industry when that time comes.

 

God:  I said those things’ll kill you!  (Points at Lucifer who immediately starts to gasp for air and puts out her cigarette. God smiles.)  Much better.  Now where were we?

 

Buddha:  We were offering Chris an invitation to our competition of cards.  Please, pull up a seat here next to me.

 

Chris:  Sure, I guess I’ve got time for one game, but I’m telling you all, I really suck.  (Sits down between God and Buddha.)

 

God:  Son?  You want to play too?  (Makes a pouty face.)

 

Jesus:  (Sighs) Okay, but I am not going to sit next to him(Looks over at Santa.)

 

Santa:  Oh, what is with that?

 

Jesus:  You ruined my birthday and you know it!

 

Santa:  Get over yourself!  You have two holidays and still that’s not enough for you, you spoiled brat!

 

Jesus:  What?!  Easter is hardly a holiday!  Oh goody, we celebrate the day that I was reborn by having a rabbit hide multi-colored eggs all over.  Makes complete sense, except for the fact that it DOESN’T.

 

Santa:  First off he’s not a rabbit, he’s a bunny and a good very friend of mine, and secondly, your birthday isn’t even in December, it’s in the summer time!

 

Jesus:  So, I could have been born in December if I felt like it!

 

Santa:  You’re just bitter because you only get one present for your birthday because it also counts as your Christmas present, too.

 

Jesus:  What?!  Forget you!  I don’t need gifts!  Dad, deal me a hand, I’m in.  (Sits down between God and Santa.)

 

God:  Excellent.  (Begins shuffling the cards really fancy and deals quickly.)  Okay, gentlemen, the name of the game is five-card stud.  Minimum bet is $5.  Let the games begin.

 

Lucifer:  You mean resume?

 

God:  Don’t test me Lucifer; you’re walkin’ a thin line as it is.

 

Lucifer:  I suggest one little thing to you and you send me to Hell.  That’s really fair…

 

God:  You suggested that you should take my job!  I believe your exact wording was “Screw you, God, I could do your job better than your, ahem, expletive deleted, expletive deleted.”

 

Lucifer:  Yeah, something like that.  (Looks over towards Buddha.)  You know, Buddha, you look like you’ve lost weight since I last saw you.

 

Buddha:  Oh ho, you flatter me.  I’ve been trying out that Atkin’s Diet, which is most difficult as I am a vegetarian.  I have been considering liposuction, though.

 

Chris:  Wouldn’t they call that an exorcism?  (Looks around smiling, proud of his joke.  No one seems to get it.)

 

Lucifer:  I don’t get it.

 

Chris:  It’s because he’s a deity.  You see, it’s like the fat has possessed him and…it’s really funny if you think about it…

 

Lucifer:  I just find that offensive.

 

Santa:  You would.

 

Lucifer:  Shut up, fat boy.

 

Santa:  You shut it, reject.

 

God:  Enough!  (Slams his fist down on the table.)  Ante up, boys.

 

Buddha:  Aha, I believe that I shall wager five extra dollars on this hand.

 

Santa:  I’ll see your five and raise you five.

 

God:  I see both your fives and raise you…  (Checks his pockets; they are empty.)  I will raise you the state of Minnesota.

 

Chris:  What?  You can’t do that!

 

God:  I’m God; I do what I want when I want!

 

Lucifer:  Oh please, don’t wager any more states again.  You remember what happened with Utah?

 

God:  Last time I play poker with Joseph Smith…

 

Jesus:  I’ll see your Minnesota and raise you another five dollars.

 

Chris:  What say we just call before this gets too absurd and you start wagering souls or something.

 

(God and Lucifer start laughing.) 

 

God:  That was a fun night indeed!

 

Lucifer:  We each must have bet over a thousand souls that night!

 

BOTH:  Wahahaha!

 

Buddha:  (Lays cards down on the table.)  Oh my.  I don’t believe I have much of anything to speak of other than two pair.

 

Jesus:  Same here.  (Lays cards down.)

 

Santa:  (Lays cards down.)  Three of a kind, all ladies.

 

Lucifer:  Sorry, but I do believe I outdo your queens with my trip aces.

 

Chris:  Haha!  Read ‘em and weep boys, er, Gods.  (Throws down cards on the table.)  I’ve got me a royal flush if I’m not mistaken.  God, let’s see what you’ve got up your sleeve.

 

God:  So sorry Chris, but my hand seems to beat your royal flush.  (Lays cards down on the table.)

 

Chris:  A seven, three, nine, two, and Jack?

 

God:  Yes, a holy flush.

 

ALL:  Gah!  (Throw their cards down.)

 

Chris:  First good hand I get in my life and I had to be playing against God.  Fantastic.

 

Jesus:  Okay Chris, I think we’ve spent enough time out here; let’s head towards my room for a while.

 

God:  Oh, don’t hog him all for yourself, son. Let’s play another round!

 

Jesus:  Darn it, dad, you always do this to me!

 

God:  Do what?

 

Jesus:  Every time that I get a new friend, you feel the need to use our friendship to get closer to the person and you chase them away from us both with your smothering.  I’ve seen you do it again and again and again.

 

God:  Oh come now, I don’t do that… do I?

 

Lucifer:  Yep.

 

Buddha:  Sorry God, but you do have a habit of scaring believers away.

 

God:  I smother ‘cause I love.

 

Lucifer:  You go overboard and if they don’t listen to you down to the minutest detail then you snap and send ‘em over to my place.  You seem to use Jesus here to lead them to you and then push them away as soon as they get close.  It’s a vicious trend.

 

Jesus:  See, that’s why I’m Jewish.

 

Chris:  Well, this is certainly awkward… 

 

(Everyone is staring blankly at the ground.)

 

Buddha:  (Finally breaking the silence.)  Anyone up for Trivial Pursuit?

 

ALL:  Yeah, sure, you bet cha, etc.  (Improv reactions.)

 

God:  I’ll get the box.  (Reaches behind his back and pulls out a Trivial Pursuit box.)

 

Jesus:  I call blue!

 

Chris:  Orange.

 

Lucifer:  Red.

 

Santa:  Screw you, I call red!

 

Lucifer:  Rock, Paper, Scissors for it.

 

Santa:  Deal.

 

Lucifer:  (They play Rock, Paper, Scissors.)  I win.

 

Santa:  What the heck is this?  (Makes an odd hand gesture.)

 

Lucifer:  Steam shovel.

 

Chris:  Now that’s a darn good choice.

 

Santa:  So how’s this game played?

 

God:  (Reading the rules of the game.)  Well, from what I gather, all you have to do to win the game is answer trivia questions correctly.  Hm, doesn’t sound too difficult.  (Pulls a card out from the box.)  “What Russian novel embracing over 500 characters was set during the Napoleonic war?”

 

Chris:  Hmm…War and Peace.  (Grabs the box.)  You know…this may sound a tad bit paranoid, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you know all the answers, God.

 

God:  Oh come now, surely you don’t really believe that I know all the answers?

 

Lucifer:  You do have that omnipotence thing goin’ for ya.

 

Chris:  Man, that omnipotence thing would be sweet.

 

God:  Actually, omnipotence means all-powerful.  What you mean is omniscience, which means all-knowing.

 

Chris:  See, this is kinda my point…

 

Lucifer:  Why don’t we just play a game that involves no real skill?

 

Jesus:  I’ve got Monopoly in my room. We could play that.

 

Buddha:  A fine idea!

 

Jesus:  Uno momento por favor.  (Exits stage left.)

 

God:  I don’t really take his friends away from him, do I?

 

ALL:  Yep, uh-huh, indeed, etc.  (More improv answers.)

 

Lucifer:  I still don’t get why a mortal like you is friends with Jesus.  What makes you so special?

 

Chris:  Oh plenty of things, such as the ability to do this.  (Does the removing thumb magic trick.)

 

Lucifer:  Hah, that’s nothing.

 

Chris:  I can do much more than that.

 

Santa:  Bah, like what?

 

Chris:  Like your mother.

 

Lucifer:  Hahahahaha, I like this kid.  You’d make a good sidekick.

 

Chris:  Sorry, I play no man’s sidekick.

 

Lucifer:  So?  I’m a woman.

 

Chris:  Um…  I never really noticed.

 

Buddha:  Chris, how could you overlook such an important detail?

 

Chris:  It just never caught my attention I guess; I just naturally assumed that Lucifer would be a woman.  (Looks over at Lucifer).  No offense of course.

 

God:  You know, Lucifer isn’t really a woman.  She’s not really anything for that matter.

 

Chris:  I’m not following you.

 

God:  *sigh* Of course you don’t follow; I’m the one with all the scary answers, aren’t I?  Lucifer has no gender, she was born an angel and angels don’t get genders.  Once she moved out on her own she assumed the female gender seeing as how she knew that she could piss off the most people that way.

 

Buddha:  Yes, no male would ever take offense from learning that Satan is a man since that is the overwhelming perception, but to learn that Satan is actually a female instantly angers every woman on Earth.

 

Chris:  Oohoo, tricky tricky.  You’re a clever one there Lucy.

 

Lucifer:  Oh why thank you.  See God, at least someone appreciates my abilities.

 

God:  (Not paying any attention to her).  Oh, what’s that Lucifer?  I’m sorry, I was too busy creating a new species of mammal that can speak French.  Have you created anything worthwhile lately?

 

Lucifer:  Arg, I hate you sometimes, and this is one of those times…

 

God:  Jesus Christ is taking a long time in there.  Jesus!  Hurry up, we’ve been waiting all eternity in here for you!

 

Santa:  Yeah!  Heysuess, get a move on it before I call the border police!  Hahaha…

 

Chris:  (To Santa).  You’re kinda a jerk there aren’t you?

 

Santa:  You deal with kids all day and you’ll hate people, too.

 

God:  JESUS!

 

Jesus:  (From off stage.)  I’m going as fast as I can in here dad, and Santa, you can go fornicate yourself with a wooden spoon!  My room’s kinda cluttered at the moment so just have some patience for once, alright dad?!

 

God:  I’ve got endless patience…  (Jumps out of his chair and yells toward Jesus’ direction.)  Bah!  Get your holy self out here!

 

Chris:  Heh, I get it…

 

Jesus:  I’m workin’ on it!  Okay, I’ve found my Monopoly stash, which version do we want?

 

Buddha:  What are our choices?

 

Jesus:  We’ve got Star Wars Monopoly, Lord of the Rings Monopoly, Batmanopoly, Spidermanopoly, Pokemonopoly, Football Monopoly, Baseball Monopoly, Rugby Monopoly, Beaver-opoly, Hillsboro-opoly, Mono-opoly, Mormonopoly, Child’s Edition, Senior’s Edition, Brail Edition, Deft Edition, Cannibopoly, Pornopoly, Lorena Bobopoly, Japanopoly, Rolex Edition, Anorexic Edition, Dyslexic Edition, and the Game of Life.

 

God:  What about just plain Monopoly?

 

Jesus:  Oh, you mean classic?  I don’t have that one.  I’ll go check your room.

 

God:  Oh you’re kidding me!

 

Chris:  Mind if I grab something from the fridge?

 

God:  That’s fine with me.

 

Chris:  Why thank you.  (Starts to get up.)

 

God:  No, no, sit, I insist.  I’ll get it for you.  (Turns towards Lucifer.)  Hey Lucifer, get the mortal a drink.  (She’s not moving).  Lucifer!  Up!  Drink!  Get!

 

Lucifer:  Why am I always the brunt of your aggression?  This can’t be healthy.  My psychologist says that you’re doing immense damage to my mental state through your thoughtless actions.

 

God:  Would you like some cheese with your whine?  (Convulses with laughter over his lame joke. No one else laughs.)

 

Lucifer:  See, this is exactly why I hate you…  (Gets up and grabs a drink from the fridge.  He then tosses it over to Chris.)

 

Jesus:  (Comes back in with Monopoly.)  I’ve got the game!  I call the shoe piece!

 

Chris:  I’ll be the dog.

 

Santa:  I want the train.

 

God:  Nope, sorry but I get the train.

 

Lucifer:  But I wanted the choo-choo…

 

God:  Hah!  Look at Lucifer with her choo-choo!  Hahaha!

 

Lucifer:  (Standing up, furious.)  Dammit God, this is what I’m talking about!

 

God:  (Also standing up, furious.)  Hey!  You watch your language in my house!

 

Lucifer:  I’ll say what I wanna say!

 

(God and Lucifer get into an argument that quickly becomes indecipherable.)

 

Buddha:  (Stands up and breaks them apart.)  Both of you sit down now!  (Smacks God and Lucifer.  The others are in shock.)  Now sit down and act like civilized creatures before I really get mad!  (God and Lucifer sit down slowly.)  You two have some unresolved issues that you should resolve like adults, and yet you’re acting like politicians.

 

God and Lucifer:  (Quietly)  Sorry…

 

Buddha:  (Hands at his hips.)  God, do you have something that you’d like to say to Lucifer?

 

God:  I’m… I’m sorry for insulting your intelligence and choice in lifestyle…

 

Buddha:  And Lucifer, what have you to say to God?

 

Lucifer:  I’m sorry for overacting and for the whole trying to take over heaven thing…

 

Buddha:  (Smiles big)  Good.  Now, as I was saying… I get the choo-choo.

 

All but Chris and Jesus:  What!  No!  Forget you!  Etc!  (Yet more improv lines.)

 

Chris:  So who’s gonna be the banker and the property manager?

 

Lucifer:  I’ll take that job.  I’ve gained a pretty good understanding of how banking and land ownership works over my years.

 

(They all start to play while the one act continues on.) 

 

God:  So Chris, how has school been?

 

Jesus:  Here we go again…

 

Chris:  Oh, it’s going, just great.  I mean, it’s not like school could ever get boring, right?

 

God:  Good, good.  Anything new in your life?

 

Chris:  Nope, just hangin’ out mostly. Trying my best to get a job.

 

God:  Ohhh.  Jesus, you hear that?  Chris is looking for a job.

 

Jesus:  Dang it, not this again.  I told you, I’ve been looking, but nowhere’s hiring.

 

Santa:  You could always come work for me; I’ve got plenty of room in my workshops.

 

Jesus:  Thanks but no thanks.  I’d rather not support child labor.

 

Santa:  Oh come on, the little S-O-B’s have got to earn their toys somehow.

 

Lucifer:  When I was talking to the manager of Wal-Mart the other week, he told me they were hiring. You could always go check there.

 

Jesus:  Meh, working with the general public just isn’t my thing.

 

Santa:  Try a job at the local adult store.  Customers there go out of their way not to talk to you.  Plus the majority of the stores are actually pretty clean inside… (Everyone turns to him accusingly).  Oh, um, (cough) from what I hear anyway…

 

God:  So Chris, have you had any luck finding a job?

 

Chris:  Not really.  I assume it’s all part of your plan though, right?

 

Jesus:  Oh no…

 

God:  Why is it that whenever something bad happens you mortals always blame me?

 

Chris:  Is it her fault then?  (Points over towards Lucifer.)

 

Lucifer:  Hey, leave me out of this.  I’ve been a good girl lately.

 

Santa:  That’s surprisingly true; I checked my list.

 

Jesus:  How cliché…

 

Santa:  Bah, go suck a lemon…

 

Chris:  You know what they say: “When God gives you lemons…”

 

God:  I HATE that phrase!  You humans are all the same.  If something good happens, then you say it must have been good fortune, but if something bad happens, then it must have been part of God’s plan.  (Mockingly)  Oh my, I lost my job.  It must be part of God’s plan.  Oh no, I got a divorce.  It must be part of God’s plan.  Oh dear, Timmy was hit by a bus.  It must have been part of God’s plan.

 

Lucifer:  Why is Timmy such a popular name in hypothetical situations?

 

God:  Because Timmy is a great name.  (Shakes his head and focuses again).  Doesn’t matter.  The bottom line is, I don’t meddle in human affairs.  In the beginning… 

 

(God pulls out a Bible from nowhere and starts reading.  His Bible is titled “My Diary”.  Everyone but Chris moans).

 

Jesus:  Oh man, not this story again…  (Looks towards Chris).  Ya see what you did?

 

God:  In the beginning, I created the heavens and the Earth and the sky and the oceans and the plants and the animals, and you know, it was good, because I said so.  And on the sixth day, I created Adam and Eve.  When I created them, I gave them something called free will, or as I like to call it, “auto pilot”, and I rested on the seventh day by watching the Super Bowl.

 

Lucifer:  Aha, Super Bowl Genesis, that was a good one.  We almost beat you guys that year.

 

God:  Yeah, almost.  Anyway, I gave Adam and Eve the Garden of Eden and said be free and have fun, but don’t eat the fruit from one specific tree.  You’d think that’d be fair, right?  They could eat anything else they wanted to, just not the fruit from that one tree.

 

Chris:  What was so special about that one tree?

 

God:  Nothing, that’s the point.  I just said, “Here’s paradise, don’t eat that fruit, see you in a week,” and left it at that.  Do you know what they did?

 

Chris:  They ate the fruit…?

 

God:  They ate the fruit!  Did I tell them to eat the fruit?  Did I make them eat the fruit?  No!  They screwed up on their own!

 

Chris:  Wait…didn’t the fruit represent knowledge?

 

God:  Sure, whatever, and when has knowledge ever made anyone happy? 

 

Chris:  Point taken.

 

God:  Let’s take another example.  (Flips through the bible a few pages.)  “And I said to Noah build an ark with which to float above the flood and take with you two of every animal, and as many people as you can convince to come along with you.”

 

Chris:  Wait, wait…I thought the point of the flood was to purge sinners from the earth?

 

God:  It was!  But Noah was supposed to do his best to convince the others that they shouldn’t screw up so much.  I do have a reputation for giving people endless second chances you know.

 

Chris:  The Bible never said anything about that…

 

God:  That’s because Noah got drunk to celebrate the completion of his ark and forgot to tell anyone about what was gonna happen.  He screwed up!  Did I make him forget?  Was that part of my plan?  No!  He screwed up!  And what’s worse, he forgot to grab two unicorns for the trip!  (Looks dreamily into the sky).  I’ll miss those little guys…

 

Chris:  The Bible never said anything about all of this…

 

(All laugh except Chris.)

 

God:  You expect the Bible to be an exact telling of what happened?  I told humans to write the Bible and you know what they did?

 

Chris:  They screwed up…?

 

God:  They screwed up!

 

Chris:  That would make sense…

 

God:  Of course it does!  So whenever someone says, “It must have been part of God’s plan,” do you know what it really means?

 

Chris:  They screwed up…?

 

God:  They screwed up!

 

Chris:  Oh, I get it.  So David was able to kill Goliath because Goliath screwed up?

 

God:  Exactly!

 

Chris:  And the Israelites were able to escape because Pharaoh screwed up?

 

God:  Precisely!

 

Chris:  And George Bush won the 2000 election because Florida screwed up?!

 

God:  (Cough)  No that was actually my fault…but the next one was totally all you guys.

 

Chris:  So which religion is the right choice?  I mean there are so many different ones to choose from, which one do you agree with the most?

 

God:  That’s a sensitive issue Chris, an issue that would be much too serious and controversial for anyone if they were to be watching this conversation.  (Mockingly turns towards the audience).

 

Buddha:  God, just explain your position on religion to the child.  I think he can handle it.

 

Chris:  Thank you Buddha, but I’m not exactly a child anymore, I’m officially an adult.

 

Lucifer:  *snicker*  I doubt that you’re really a man.

 

Chris:  Well I doubt that you’re really a woman.

 

God:  I’ll determine if you’re a man or not Chris.  One question.

 

Chris:  Shoot.

 

God:  Are you circumcised?

 

Chris:  Ahem, what does that have to do with it?

 

God:  Simple question, yes or no?

 

Chris:  You already know though, you’re always watching right?

 

God:  I only watch when you’re wearing clothes.

 

Chris:  You don’t watch people when they’re nude?

 

God:  Well not men.  Santa, you usually keep a watchful eye ‘round the clock, right?

 

Jesus:  Sounds like tendencies of a stalker…

 

Santa:  We prefer the term “Professional Obervationist,” and no, I don’t know the condition of Chris’ member.

 

Chris:  Come here God, I’ll tell you…  (Whispers in his ear.)

 

God:  Chris, in my eyes you are not a man.

 

Chris:  What?!  Just because I’m not circumcised?!

 

God:  No, because you still run around the house on the weekend in your underwear singing the Batman theme song.  I just wanted you to admit that out loud.  Don’t you feel better now?

 

Chris:  *cough*  (Quickly sits down.)

 

Jesus:  Wow…  And I thought I knew you man…

 

Chris:  Shut up!  At least I’ve still got the tip of my penis!

 

Jesus:  Ooh, low blow…  (Santa opens his mouth as if to speak.)  Don’t say it…

 

Chris:  Well if you’re not going to tell me which religion is correct will you at least tell me the meaning of life?

 

Buddha:  Come now God, you owe him at least that much to satisfy his thirst for enlightenment.

 

God:  Nope, he’s not worthy.

 

Chris:  Preposterous!  I’m totally worthy!

 

God:  Fine, prove me wrong then.

 

Chris:  What?

 

God:  Yeah, go ahead and prove me wrong.  Find a fallacy in any of my arguments throughout time.  Go ahead, I dare you.

 

Jesus:  Ooh, tough challenge.

 

Chris:  Pff, okay, yeah, I’ll totally blow your mind with some even more flawless logic.

 

Santa:  He’s gonna choke…

 

Chris:  Shush.  (Starts thinking really hard, looking as if he’s about to explode from excess thinking).

 

Buddha:  Oh my, I do not believe he appears all too well.

 

Jesus:  He’s gonna pop…

 

Chris:  I’VE GOT IT!  (Everyone jumps back a bit).  Okay, so God, you claim that your followers should trust you, love you, and worship you and you alone, correct?

 

God:  Yes, ideally.

 

Chris:  Yet those who truly devote themselves to you end up going through trials and tests on a regular basis, also correct?

 

God:  Some would say that.

 

Chris:  (Pacing around the stage at this point, believing his argument to be fantastic).  Now I believe it was Jesus who made the claim that a kingdom divided amongst itself cannot stand.  Is this true?

 

Jesus:  Yeah, I did say that a few times.  (Smiles and looks at Santa, distinguished).  I was the master of the one-liner in my day you know.

 

Chris:  And God, do you not consider everyone your children and, as such, part of your kingdom?

 

God:  I do, yes.

 

Chris:  AHA!  Then in the process of forcing these believers into trials and tests, you are forcing them to prove themselves again and again and in doing so, you are battling your own kingdom!  Thus your kingdom is divided amongst itself and by your very own logic it cannot stand!  (Pointing straight into the air to make a point, feeling himself victorious and great).  What say ye?!

 

(There is silence for a second, then everyone but Chris erupts with laugher).

 

God:  Hahahaha, that has to be one of the dumbest theories I’ve ever heard!  (Points at Lucifer).  Did you tell him to say that?

 

Lucifer:  Haha, no, I would have come up with something much better.

 

Chris:  But…flawless logic…

 

God:  You gave it a good shot kid, but I don’t punish good people with misfortune.  There is such a thing as coincidence in the world; you should learn to notice the subtle difference.

 

Buddha:  God, he did try ever so hard to please you.  Would you not agree that he deserves to learn the secret of life?

 

God:  Yeah alright, he’s given me a good enough laugh. 

 

Chris:  Yes!

 

God:  Okay, come ‘ere…  (Starts whispering into Chris’ ear.)

 

Chris:  (Shocked).  Wow, I never knew sock puppets played such a big part in the grand scheme of things.

 

Jesus:  Just wait until you find out how important cantaloupe is.

 

Santa:  And thus, everyone learned a lesson.  (checks watch)  Ho ho ho man, I should get goin’.  The missus’ll start wondering where I am.  I told her I was going out to get the mail three days ago.  (Gets up and walks over to the coat rack.  He grabs his coat and puts it on.)

 

Buddha:  It is getting rather late.  I ought to be returning to my place in the heavens before anyone starts to wonder where I went.  (Gets up and starts to walk towards the coat rack.)

 

Lucifer:  And I’ve got to meet with the president of the FOX network in half an hour.  It’s sweeps week.  (Also gets up and walks towards the coat rack.  Santa, Buddha and Lucifer all wave goodbye as they exit stage right.)

 

God:  Oh, come on guys, the night is young!  Hey, we could go appear in people’s food and mess with their heads!  You guys love doing that!

 

Jesus:  Dad, just let ‘em go.  That joke’s getting old anyway.

 

Chris:  Come on Jesus; let’s go hang out in your room.

 

Jesus:  Good idea.

 

Chris:  Thanks for a pleasant evening Mr. God.  We’ll have to do it again sometime.  (He and Jesus get up and exit stage left).

 

God:  Hey come back!  (Sitting all alone.)  Ah man, I was just about to win, too…  (Knocks over the Monopoly game. As lights fade to black…)  Hey I wonder if my old college buddy Zeus is in town…?

 

End

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