Chris and the Story of the Nativity

May 20, 2009 at 9:26 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

Chris and the Story of the Nativity

 

As it so happens, this Christmas thing is actually based off of a very significant event in history.  A lot of people argue that it’s all about gifts and commercialism.  Others say that it finds its basis as a way of converting the Pagans into Christians.  But in actually, before any possible conversion or ill-conceived gift-giving, it was all about a man.  A great man.  A close friend of mine actually.  This man was named Jesus, and he was awesome.  During one of my many travels of the Earth I came upon this event as it occurred so many years ago.  At this point close to 2 thousand, but who’s really counting other than the Catholics?  I found myself in Jerusalem all those years ago passing by a random conversation I heard between a hottie and an angel…

 

Chris:  (Walking down the streets of Jerusalem, strutting as usual).  Alright then, what should I do today?  It seems that there isn’t really much to do these days except wander around.  Meh, might as well wander while I’m at it.

 

Mary:  (In an alleyway talking to an angel).  You’re kidding me!  I can’t be pregnant!

 

Chris:  Hey, now this sounds promising.  (Wanders down this alleyway).

 

Angel:  I know, this sounds bad, but trust me, you are pregnant and you will have a healthy son.

 

Mary:  But I’m a virgin!

 

Chris:  Aren’t we all…?

 

Mary:  Don’t you have to do…things…to become pregnant.

 

Chris:  Yeah angel, we’re all a bit curious how this happened, and also how it usually happens, so why not explain this for everyone who’s confused?

 

Angel:  Normally, yes, you’ve gotta do the deed for this to happen.  However, in this instant it so happens that God has chosen you Mary to be the vessel for his son.

 

Mary:  I’ve been knocked up by God?!

 

Angel:  In so many words…yes.

 

Chris:  What, God couldn’t just ask her nicely?

 

Angel:  God doesn’t do things that way.

 

Chris:  Oh, he’s in a fraternity huh?

 

Mary:  Well then…what do I do now?

 

Angel:  I’m gonna say…basically lay off smoking and drinking for a while.  Also, don’t let the baby die…ever.

 

Chris:  That’ll be easier said than done.

 

Angel:  So um…I’ll see you in a few months…

 

Mary:  What’ll I do until then?

 

Angel:  Don’t screw up.  (Disappears).

 

Mary:  This is too much to handle…I feel so alone…

 

Chris:  You know, I don’t really have anything I have to do for the next nine months…

 

Joseph:  (Walking out from the building).  Mary, what’s wrong?

 

Chris:  Who’s this guy?

 

Joseph:  I’m her husband.

 

Chris:  Oh crap.

 

Mary:  Joseph, I have something to tell you…

 

Joseph:  What is it?

 

Mary:  You know how we always wanted a child?

 

Joseph:  Yes, and I also remember you telling me that you wanted to wait a long, long time for that child.

 

Mary:  Oh don’t worry, we were totally gonna do it…eventually.

 

Joseph:  Right right.

 

Mary:  Well I just found out something important.

 

Joseph:  What’s happened?

 

Mary:  I don’t really know how to say this…

 

Chris:  God totally tapped your sexy wife.

 

Joseph:  What?!  Da hell?!

 

Chris:  I know, we were all a little heartbroken about it.

 

Mary:  And I was told that I would have to remain a virgin forever so we can never consummate the marriage.

 

Chris:  I don’t remember that…

 

Mary:  (Smiles and elbows Chris in the ribs).  Shuuuut-uuuup…

 

Joseph:  I suppose this could be worse.  At least Satan didn’t get to you first.

 

Satan:  (Walking down the street with some flowers and some chocolates).  Alright, just play it cool and…(Looks around).  Why’s everyone already in the alleyway?

 

Chris:  Mary’s pregnant with God’s child.

 

Satan:  That jerk!  I totally called dibs!

 

Chris:  Trust me, we’re all heartbroken.  (Notices the flowers and candy).  What’s with the sappy gifts?

 

Satan:  I’m old fashioned and God’s a douche`.  (Storms off).

 

Chris:  Interesting.

 

Joseph:  So now what?

 

Mary:  I don’t know.

 

Chris:  Hey, let’s all go celebrate this new addition to our family with a game of Scattegories.  Huh?  Anyone?

 

Nine Months Later…

 

Chris:  Alright everyone, I don’t wanna be a killjoy or anything but it seems that Caesar thinks that you’re trying to outdo him with that baby of yours or something like that.  I wasn’t paying much attention really.

 

Joseph:  I still don’t even know who you are.

 

Chris:  I’ll introduce myself one of these days.

 

Mary:  What were you saying about Caesar?

 

Chris:  Oh yeah, he’s gonna try and kill the kid.  Or you guys.  One of the two.  Maybe both.  Mary, I will never let anything happen to you.  Joseph, you’re a fast runner, right?

 

Joseph:  I can’t let this happen to my family.

 

Chris:  Yeah Unky Joe, we gotta do something.

 

Joseph:  This city isn’t safe anymore.  We have to leave tonight.

 

Mary:  I’m nine months pregnant; I can’t travel in this condition!

 

Chris:  Yeah, Caesar was being kinda a dick for bringing this up now of all times.  Maybe I shouldn’t have told all those people about you carrying the savior and all.

 

Joseph:  You’ve done what?!  You’ve jeopardized my family’s lives!

 

Chris:  Now now, we could throw blame all day…(Points at Joseph).  Joseph…  But we’ve got more important business to take care of.  I hear that Nazareth is quite nice this time of year.

 

Mary:  It’s miles and miles away though.

 

Chris:  But it’s so romantic…meow…

 

Joseph:  Fine, we have no other choice.  I’ll gather some things; can I trust you to get us some sort of transportation?

 

Chris:  Me?  Absolutely.

 

A Few Minutes Later…

 

Chris:  Alright, transportation is here.

 

Joseph:  These are donkeys.

 

Chris:  Hey, horses and camels are expensive.

 

Joseph:  Then why are you riding a Segway?

 

Chris:  These are more expensive and I bought this first.  Anyway, let’s get going!

 

Miles and Miles into the Desert…

 

Joseph:  You do know where we’re going right?

 

Chris:  What?  No way, I figured you’d know.  You’re the husband; I’m just the third wheel.

 

Joseph:  Dammit.

 

Mary:  Hey, watch your language around the baby.

 

Joseph:  He’s not even born yet!

 

Chris:  Trust me, it’ll make him cry all the same.

 

Mary:  Look!  It’s Nazareth!

 

Chris:  See, I told you I knew where I was going.  (Points at Joseph).  And you wanted to push her down a flight of stairs.  Tisk tisk, for shame.

 

Joseph:  I said no such thing!

 

Mary:  AH!  I think my water just broke!

 

Chris:  Then away we go!  (Hops onto Mary’s donkey).  Hi ho silver!  Away!  (They take off).

 

Joseph:  Hey!  You bastard!

 

That Night in Nazareth…

 

Joseph:  (Knocking on door after door).  Please, my wife is in labor and the two of us need a place to stay.

 

Chris:  What about me?

 

Joseph:  The two of us need a place to stay.

 

Man:  Look buddy, I haven’t got any rooms and I don’t care.

 

Chris:  She’s carrying God’s child though!

 

Man:  Tell that to someone who cares.

 

Joseph:  Alright then.  Sorry to have bothered you Mr. Kennedy.

 

Chris:  I’m telling you, terrible things will happen to your family!  (Door slams).  Yeah, he heard me.

 

Joseph:  Well, we’ve only got one house left.

 

Chris:  Ooh, my turn!  (Knocks on the door).  Hey!  We need a place to stay!

 

Inn Keeper:  I’m terribly sorry, my inn is full.  It is after all Christmas, so I’m booked solid.

 

Chris:  But she’s pregnant and giving birth to the savior of the human race.

 

Inn Keeper:  Sorry, I just don’t have the space.

 

Chris:  I’ll tell you what…this kid’s gonna have a rough future…how about I sell you the filming rights…?

 

Inn Keeper:  Done and done.

 

Chris:  Thanks Mel.

 

Inn Keeper:  Don’t mention it.  All I’ve got though is a manger.

 

Chris:  A what?

 

Inn Keeper:  A manger.  It’s kinda like a stable, except not.

 

Chris:  That just sounds stupid.

 

Inn Keeper:  Yeah I hate the Jews as well.

 

Chris:  What?

 

Inn Keeper:  This way everyone.

 

Mary:  Oh dang!  Here it comes!

 

Joseph:  The baby?  We have to hurry!

 

Chris:  Everyone, to the stable…thing!

 

A Few Minutes Later…

 

Mary:  AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!

 

Joseph:  Push!  Push!

 

Chris:  I don’t know what I’m seeing…and I’m not sure that I like it.

 

Wise Man 1:  Hey, are we in the right place?

 

Chris:  Birthing of the savior?

 

Wise Man 2:  I told you I knew where we were!

 

Wise Man 1:  Yeah, like one wise man is gonna take the advice of another wise man!

 

Wise Man 3:  Donkeys!  Hahaha!  (Claps his hands and dances).

 

Wise Man 1:  Seriously, why did you have to bring your cousin along?

 

Wise Man 2:  Just shut up and watch the birth.

 

Wise Man 3:  Hi pretty lady!  (Looks over, sees what’s happen and immediately starts crying from confusion).

 

Shepherd:  Hi, I came for the savior?

 

Chris:  No homeless!

 

Shepherd:  I’m pretty sure I heard that he would be welcoming all, especially the meek and the helpless.

 

Chris:  Really?  I heard otherwise.

 

Shepherd:  From who?

 

Chris:  The Catholics.  Aw what the hell, welcome aboard.

 

Angel:  Oh good, you’re all here already.  I guess my work here is done.

 

Chris:  You didn’t do anything!

 

Angel:  Didn’t I though?  (Thinks).  Oh yeah, I forgot the star.  (Pling).  There, I shall dub you…the Eclipse Star.

 

Chris:  Already taken.

 

Angel:  Then it’s just the North Star, or whatever.

 

Mary:  WAAAAHHH!!!

 

SHADDOOM!!!

 

(An explosion of light and the baby is born).

 

Joseph:  He’s beautiful.

 

Chris:  Hey Jesus.

 

Jesus:  Hey Chris.

 

Joseph:  Do you have a name picked out yet Mary?

 

Angel:  Um, God demanded that he be named Jesus.

 

Joseph:  Where the hell has he been for the past nine months then?

 

Angel:  Um…doin’…ssstuff.  (Shifty eyes).  Gotta go.  (Gone).

 

Jesus:  I do like the name Jesus.

 

Joseph:  You be quiet.  You’re only thirty seconds old, I don’t need backtalk.

 

Jesus:  Oh, sorry dad.

 

Joseph:  Aw, (Tears well up), he called me dad!

 

Jesus:  Yeah, I’m pretty great.

 

Chris:  So Mary…now that this is all over and all…

 

Jesus:  Chris, please tell me that you’re not hitting on my mom.

 

Chris:  What?  Dude, no.  No way did I do that or would I ever.  Too bad she’s into me…

 

Jesus:  No.

 

Chris:  She totally is.

 

Mary:  I’m not.

 

Chris:  You toyed with my emotions and that’s not fair.

 

Jesus:  Hey Chris, do you think you could give me and my family a bit of time alone for now?  Please?  I mean, I was just born and all.

 

Chris:  Yeah, no sweat it.  Give me a call, alright?

 

Jesus:  Totally.

 

Chris:  Yeah don’t overuse that word.  Come wise men and shepherd, let us take our leave.  Jesus, we’ll do lunch sometime, alright?

 

Jesus:  Sure sure, I’m naked here.

 

Chris:  Off to my next adventure!

 

And that is the story of the Nativity.  At least that’s how I remember it.  Pretty sure I didn’t embellish any parts or anything.  Completely true.  Totally.

 

Merry Christmas Jesus!

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