Chris and the Story of the Nativity

May 20, 2009 at 9:26 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

Chris and the Story of the Nativity


As it so happens, this Christmas thing is actually based off of a very significant event in history.  A lot of people argue that it’s all about gifts and commercialism.  Others say that it finds its basis as a way of converting the Pagans into Christians.  But in actually, before any possible conversion or ill-conceived gift-giving, it was all about a man.  A great man.  A close friend of mine actually.  This man was named Jesus, and he was awesome.  During one of my many travels of the Earth I came upon this event as it occurred so many years ago.  At this point close to 2 thousand, but who’s really counting other than the Catholics?  I found myself in Jerusalem all those years ago passing by a random conversation I heard between a hottie and an angel…


Chris:  (Walking down the streets of Jerusalem, strutting as usual).  Alright then, what should I do today?  It seems that there isn’t really much to do these days except wander around.  Meh, might as well wander while I’m at it.


Mary:  (In an alleyway talking to an angel).  You’re kidding me!  I can’t be pregnant!


Chris:  Hey, now this sounds promising.  (Wanders down this alleyway).


Angel:  I know, this sounds bad, but trust me, you are pregnant and you will have a healthy son.


Mary:  But I’m a virgin!


Chris:  Aren’t we all…?


Mary:  Don’t you have to do…things…to become pregnant.


Chris:  Yeah angel, we’re all a bit curious how this happened, and also how it usually happens, so why not explain this for everyone who’s confused?


Angel:  Normally, yes, you’ve gotta do the deed for this to happen.  However, in this instant it so happens that God has chosen you Mary to be the vessel for his son.


Mary:  I’ve been knocked up by God?!


Angel:  In so many words…yes.


Chris:  What, God couldn’t just ask her nicely?


Angel:  God doesn’t do things that way.


Chris:  Oh, he’s in a fraternity huh?


Mary:  Well then…what do I do now?


Angel:  I’m gonna say…basically lay off smoking and drinking for a while.  Also, don’t let the baby die…ever.


Chris:  That’ll be easier said than done.


Angel:  So um…I’ll see you in a few months…


Mary:  What’ll I do until then?


Angel:  Don’t screw up.  (Disappears).


Mary:  This is too much to handle…I feel so alone…


Chris:  You know, I don’t really have anything I have to do for the next nine months…


Joseph:  (Walking out from the building).  Mary, what’s wrong?


Chris:  Who’s this guy?


Joseph:  I’m her husband.


Chris:  Oh crap.


Mary:  Joseph, I have something to tell you…


Joseph:  What is it?


Mary:  You know how we always wanted a child?


Joseph:  Yes, and I also remember you telling me that you wanted to wait a long, long time for that child.


Mary:  Oh don’t worry, we were totally gonna do it…eventually.


Joseph:  Right right.


Mary:  Well I just found out something important.


Joseph:  What’s happened?


Mary:  I don’t really know how to say this…


Chris:  God totally tapped your sexy wife.


Joseph:  What?!  Da hell?!


Chris:  I know, we were all a little heartbroken about it.


Mary:  And I was told that I would have to remain a virgin forever so we can never consummate the marriage.


Chris:  I don’t remember that…


Mary:  (Smiles and elbows Chris in the ribs).  Shuuuut-uuuup…


Joseph:  I suppose this could be worse.  At least Satan didn’t get to you first.


Satan:  (Walking down the street with some flowers and some chocolates).  Alright, just play it cool and…(Looks around).  Why’s everyone already in the alleyway?


Chris:  Mary’s pregnant with God’s child.


Satan:  That jerk!  I totally called dibs!


Chris:  Trust me, we’re all heartbroken.  (Notices the flowers and candy).  What’s with the sappy gifts?


Satan:  I’m old fashioned and God’s a douche`.  (Storms off).


Chris:  Interesting.


Joseph:  So now what?


Mary:  I don’t know.


Chris:  Hey, let’s all go celebrate this new addition to our family with a game of Scattegories.  Huh?  Anyone?


Nine Months Later…


Chris:  Alright everyone, I don’t wanna be a killjoy or anything but it seems that Caesar thinks that you’re trying to outdo him with that baby of yours or something like that.  I wasn’t paying much attention really.


Joseph:  I still don’t even know who you are.


Chris:  I’ll introduce myself one of these days.


Mary:  What were you saying about Caesar?


Chris:  Oh yeah, he’s gonna try and kill the kid.  Or you guys.  One of the two.  Maybe both.  Mary, I will never let anything happen to you.  Joseph, you’re a fast runner, right?


Joseph:  I can’t let this happen to my family.


Chris:  Yeah Unky Joe, we gotta do something.


Joseph:  This city isn’t safe anymore.  We have to leave tonight.


Mary:  I’m nine months pregnant; I can’t travel in this condition!


Chris:  Yeah, Caesar was being kinda a dick for bringing this up now of all times.  Maybe I shouldn’t have told all those people about you carrying the savior and all.


Joseph:  You’ve done what?!  You’ve jeopardized my family’s lives!


Chris:  Now now, we could throw blame all day…(Points at Joseph).  Joseph…  But we’ve got more important business to take care of.  I hear that Nazareth is quite nice this time of year.


Mary:  It’s miles and miles away though.


Chris:  But it’s so romantic…meow…


Joseph:  Fine, we have no other choice.  I’ll gather some things; can I trust you to get us some sort of transportation?


Chris:  Me?  Absolutely.


A Few Minutes Later…


Chris:  Alright, transportation is here.


Joseph:  These are donkeys.


Chris:  Hey, horses and camels are expensive.


Joseph:  Then why are you riding a Segway?


Chris:  These are more expensive and I bought this first.  Anyway, let’s get going!


Miles and Miles into the Desert…


Joseph:  You do know where we’re going right?


Chris:  What?  No way, I figured you’d know.  You’re the husband; I’m just the third wheel.


Joseph:  Dammit.


Mary:  Hey, watch your language around the baby.


Joseph:  He’s not even born yet!


Chris:  Trust me, it’ll make him cry all the same.


Mary:  Look!  It’s Nazareth!


Chris:  See, I told you I knew where I was going.  (Points at Joseph).  And you wanted to push her down a flight of stairs.  Tisk tisk, for shame.


Joseph:  I said no such thing!


Mary:  AH!  I think my water just broke!


Chris:  Then away we go!  (Hops onto Mary’s donkey).  Hi ho silver!  Away!  (They take off).


Joseph:  Hey!  You bastard!


That Night in Nazareth…


Joseph:  (Knocking on door after door).  Please, my wife is in labor and the two of us need a place to stay.


Chris:  What about me?


Joseph:  The two of us need a place to stay.


Man:  Look buddy, I haven’t got any rooms and I don’t care.


Chris:  She’s carrying God’s child though!


Man:  Tell that to someone who cares.


Joseph:  Alright then.  Sorry to have bothered you Mr. Kennedy.


Chris:  I’m telling you, terrible things will happen to your family!  (Door slams).  Yeah, he heard me.


Joseph:  Well, we’ve only got one house left.


Chris:  Ooh, my turn!  (Knocks on the door).  Hey!  We need a place to stay!


Inn Keeper:  I’m terribly sorry, my inn is full.  It is after all Christmas, so I’m booked solid.


Chris:  But she’s pregnant and giving birth to the savior of the human race.


Inn Keeper:  Sorry, I just don’t have the space.


Chris:  I’ll tell you what…this kid’s gonna have a rough future…how about I sell you the filming rights…?


Inn Keeper:  Done and done.


Chris:  Thanks Mel.


Inn Keeper:  Don’t mention it.  All I’ve got though is a manger.


Chris:  A what?


Inn Keeper:  A manger.  It’s kinda like a stable, except not.


Chris:  That just sounds stupid.


Inn Keeper:  Yeah I hate the Jews as well.


Chris:  What?


Inn Keeper:  This way everyone.


Mary:  Oh dang!  Here it comes!


Joseph:  The baby?  We have to hurry!


Chris:  Everyone, to the stable…thing!


A Few Minutes Later…


Mary:  AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!


Joseph:  Push!  Push!


Chris:  I don’t know what I’m seeing…and I’m not sure that I like it.


Wise Man 1:  Hey, are we in the right place?


Chris:  Birthing of the savior?


Wise Man 2:  I told you I knew where we were!


Wise Man 1:  Yeah, like one wise man is gonna take the advice of another wise man!


Wise Man 3:  Donkeys!  Hahaha!  (Claps his hands and dances).


Wise Man 1:  Seriously, why did you have to bring your cousin along?


Wise Man 2:  Just shut up and watch the birth.


Wise Man 3:  Hi pretty lady!  (Looks over, sees what’s happen and immediately starts crying from confusion).


Shepherd:  Hi, I came for the savior?


Chris:  No homeless!


Shepherd:  I’m pretty sure I heard that he would be welcoming all, especially the meek and the helpless.


Chris:  Really?  I heard otherwise.


Shepherd:  From who?


Chris:  The Catholics.  Aw what the hell, welcome aboard.


Angel:  Oh good, you’re all here already.  I guess my work here is done.


Chris:  You didn’t do anything!


Angel:  Didn’t I though?  (Thinks).  Oh yeah, I forgot the star.  (Pling).  There, I shall dub you…the Eclipse Star.


Chris:  Already taken.


Angel:  Then it’s just the North Star, or whatever.


Mary:  WAAAAHHH!!!




(An explosion of light and the baby is born).


Joseph:  He’s beautiful.


Chris:  Hey Jesus.


Jesus:  Hey Chris.


Joseph:  Do you have a name picked out yet Mary?


Angel:  Um, God demanded that he be named Jesus.


Joseph:  Where the hell has he been for the past nine months then?


Angel:  Um…doin’…ssstuff.  (Shifty eyes).  Gotta go.  (Gone).


Jesus:  I do like the name Jesus.


Joseph:  You be quiet.  You’re only thirty seconds old, I don’t need backtalk.


Jesus:  Oh, sorry dad.


Joseph:  Aw, (Tears well up), he called me dad!


Jesus:  Yeah, I’m pretty great.


Chris:  So Mary…now that this is all over and all…


Jesus:  Chris, please tell me that you’re not hitting on my mom.


Chris:  What?  Dude, no.  No way did I do that or would I ever.  Too bad she’s into me…


Jesus:  No.


Chris:  She totally is.


Mary:  I’m not.


Chris:  You toyed with my emotions and that’s not fair.


Jesus:  Hey Chris, do you think you could give me and my family a bit of time alone for now?  Please?  I mean, I was just born and all.


Chris:  Yeah, no sweat it.  Give me a call, alright?


Jesus:  Totally.


Chris:  Yeah don’t overuse that word.  Come wise men and shepherd, let us take our leave.  Jesus, we’ll do lunch sometime, alright?


Jesus:  Sure sure, I’m naked here.


Chris:  Off to my next adventure!


And that is the story of the Nativity.  At least that’s how I remember it.  Pretty sure I didn’t embellish any parts or anything.  Completely true.  Totally.


Merry Christmas Jesus!


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