Adam and Eve and Chris

May 20, 2009 at 9:25 am (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

*Author’s note:  This begins a new concept I had when writing.  I found that some of my best work involved satire of the Bible, so in taking classic stories and inserting myself I found it complimentary to my style of writing.  Naturally, things became far sillier as a result.  Any sort of logic is completely gone at this point as fantasy prevails over any possible fact.  But fun is still had, and thus, enjoy.

 

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, the sky, the plants, the oceans, the creatures, and finally man, among other things, such as mayonnaise and sock puppets.  Anyway, I’m diverting from what the point of this story is.  When God created man, he named him Adam and soon after God created woman from one of Adam’s ribs, (a foreshadow that women would always be a pain in men’s sides), and named her Eve.  God placed both Adam and Eve in a wonderful location known as the Garden of Eden and from there our story begins, because at this same time I just happened to be in town…

 

Chris:  You must be the new guy.  What’s your name, skinny?

 

Adam:  Well, God has named me Adam, although I’ve always liked the name Squiggy personally.

 

Chris:  Hmm, that’s a shame.  *Notices Eve* Sweet God in Heaven…

 

God:  You called Chris?

 

Chris:  More or less.  Who’s this interesting and naked specimen?

 

God:  That is what I call a woman.  I have named her Eve.

 

Chris:  Well hello Eve.

 

Eve:  Um…I have to go over here now… *walks about three feet and looks away*

 

Chris:  So God, I have noticed that you decided to make men and women and all, but yet no clothes.  How come?

 

God:  I spent 6 days creating all existence.  Give me a break; they can walk around naked for a little while longer.

 

Chris:  So what made you decide to create a guy other than myself?  I thought we had a good thing goin’ here.  Things were good, I was happy, now you’ve introduced this new element into my life called woman and another element called competition and I don’t know what to think.

 

God:  Would you like some cheese with your whine?  Ohoohoo!  Bah-zing!

 

Chris:  Touché God…

 

God:  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to lay down the rules for Adam and Eve so that they know how things work here in the Garden of Eden.  *Whistles* Adam!  Eve!  Come here for a sec!

 

Adam:  What’s up God?

 

Eve:  Yeah, what do you want?

 

God:  I’ve created you two to live and maintain this garden of mine.  You can do just about anything EXCEPT eat the fruit from that tree over there.  *Points at a random tree off in the distance*

 

Adam:  That tree over there?

 

God:  No no, the one next to it.  No touchy the fruit.

 

Adam:  Just a little?

 

God:  No, absolutely no touching, picking, eating, or offering of the fruit from that tree.

 

Eve:  Can we have a taste of it before we’re not allowed to eat it first so that we know what it tastes like and we aren’t curious later?

 

God:  Um, no.  It’s kinda like a test to see if you’ll listen to me and not disobey my rules.

 

Chris:  I will bet you all my comic books that they end up eating at least one fruit off of that tree.

 

God:  I’d take that bet but I already know what happens.  However, I could use your help.

 

Chris:  Sure, what’s up?

 

God:  Keep an eye on them, would you?

 

Chris:  Sure, I’ll do what I can.

 

God:  Great.  Now if you’ll all excuse me I must be off to plan how to punish them as soon as you fail me at this task.

 

Chris:  Jeez, thanks for the encouragement…

 

God:  Jeez…I like that name.  I should name my kid that.

 

Chris:  Sure, you do that…

 

God:  See ya guys, don’t eat the fruit!  *leaves*

 

Chris:  So guys, what should we do?

 

Adam:  Um, I can’t think of anything.

 

Eve:  Hey, I’ve got an idea.  We could always eat the fruit from that one tree.

 

Chris:  Boy, you don’t waste any time, do you?

 

Adam:  But Eve, God told us not to eat the fruit.

 

Eve:  Pff, you think that he has the right to tell me what to do?  How sexist is that?

 

Chris:  And thus the first feminist was born…

 

Eve:  So boys, you up for some sinning?

 

Chris:  Nah, not today, I do too much of that on a regular basis.

 

Adam:  Hey!  Let’s play hide and seek!

 

Eve:  *sigh*  Alright, we’ll play your game for now.

 

Adam:  Hooray!  *runs off to hide*

 

Chris:  What do you see in that guy anyway?

 

Eve:  Well, considering that he’s the only man on Earth, it could be worse.

 

Chris:  Ahem.

 

Eve:  Hah!  You?  A man?  I seriously doubt that.

 

Chris:  Ooh, ouch.

 

Eve:  Sorry to be so brutally honest but…well I’ve gotta go find Adam.  If I don’t go searching for him he’s gonna start getting cranky.  *walks off in search of Adam*

 

Chris:  Dang it, why do I have a feeling that this will become a trend?

 

Snake:  *From over by the tree*  Yo, mack, over here.

 

Chris:  *Walks over to the tree*  Who’re you?

 

Snake:  Oh, just a friend who has noticed your predicament with women and wishes to help out in some little way.

 

Chris:  Meh, she’s not really my type though.

 

Snake:  Well, you have two choices at this point:  Eve, or Adam.  Take your pick.

 

Chris:  Good point…

 

Adam:  *Coming over*  Hey Chris, who’s this guy?

 

Chris:  Just some jerk who thinks he can improve my chances with Eve.

 

Adam:  *Gets an untrusting look on his face*  What?  But Eve’s my girl!

 

Snake:  Are you sure about that leaf boy?

 

Adam:  Yeah, pretty sure…why?

 

Snake:  Oh no reason, I just know a way to score with her, that’s all.

 

Chris:  Hah, you haven’t got a clue.

 

Snake:  Just give her a piece of the forbidden fruit.  It’s nature’s original aphrodisiac.

 

Adam:  Aphrowhat?

 

Chris:  It means it’ll put her in the mood to do the bad dance on the good foot.  Or was that the good dance on the bad foot…?  Regardless, you give her that and you’re gonna get laid.  Adam…?  Adam!

 

Adam:  *Running off to find Eve while carrying a piece of fruit*  Sorry, you know how it goes!

 

Chris:  Ah darn.  So much for winning her heart like in the movies…  *grabs a piece of fruit and runs after Adam*

 

Eve:  There you are Adam!  Hey…what’s that?

 

Adam:  *Out of breath*  Its…a piece…of forbidden fruit.  I figured that you’d like it.  *Hands Eve the fruit*

 

Eve:  Oh Adam!  It’s wonderful!  *Eats the fruit*

 

God:  *Appears out of nowhere*  Heeeeeeeey…what’s all this then?!

 

Chris:  *Looks down at the fruit in his hand and tosses it away*  Um, they totally disobeyed you and ate the fruit.  I was minding my own business and building chapels and such and I tried to warn them but you know how it goes sometimes.

 

God:  I thought I told you to keep them from eating the fruit!

 

Chris:  But you also said that I’d fail, so I couldn’t very well go against your divine foresight, could I?

 

God:  Darn, you’ve got me there.  Okay, Adam, Eve, you screwed up, time for your punishment.

 

Eve:  But we hardly did anything!

 

God:  You ate the forbidden fruit and are now gonna get funky as soon as I kick you out of the garden and then you’ll populate the planet.

 

Chris:  So that’s how it’ll happen.

 

Eve:  Now that you mention it I am getting kinda flustered…

 

Adam:  *Starts dancing around*  I’m gonna get some!  I’m gonna get some!

 

Chris:  This is a really half-assed ending if you ask me.

 

God:  Well luckily no one asked you.  Now you two, BE GONE!!!  KABOOM!  *Adam and Eve are sent from the Garden of Eden…FOREVER!*

 

Both:  You haven’t heard the last of us~  *screaming as they are both sent flying out of the garden*

 

Chris:  I guess I’ll be on my way now God…  *tip-toes away*

 

God:  Oh ho no, I’m not done with you just yet.  *hands him a shovel*  You know what to do…

 

Chris:  Heh, yes I do…  *walks over to the snake*

 

Snake:  Dude, what’re you gonna do with that shovel…?

 

God:  Sorry Satan, but although you might have convinced my first two humans to sin, I doubt that you’ll be able to pull it off again.  In the meantime, enjoy the life of a snake!  HAH!

 

Snake:  *As he’s getting beaten with the shovel*  Arg, you definitely haven’t heard the last of me!  *disappears in a puff of smoke*

 

God:  And that’s that.

 

Chris:  So what’s next on the agenda God?

 

God:  For now, not much.  Cain’s gonna kill Abel, or vice versa, I forget, but basically nothing interesting happens for a few hundred years.

 

Chris:  Okay, I’ll be back when it gets good I suppose.

 

And that’s how I met Adam and Eve.  Hopefully my next Biblical Adventure will be more exciting, but hey, something’s bound to happen, right?  Hey…did it just start raining…?

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