A Very Merry Jesus Conversation

May 20, 2009 at 9:20 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  Things started to get back to form as my opinions became increasingly less afraid of critique.  By this point in the writings, I wasn’t shying away from having Jesus make sweeping statements regarding actual matters of faith that some people could disagree with.  Still, everything is supposed to be in good fun and should only be considered a means for conversation and to provoke thought from the reader.  But still, enjoy.


A Very Merry Jesus Conversation


Hello to one and all!  It has been a long month, but of course there is still more month to go.  We all know what tomorrow is, right?  It is Christmas.  And what is Christmas anymore?  It began as a Christian holiday to celebrate the birth of our savior named Jesus H. Christ but has slowly become a day of Santa and Prozac.  Since I hadn’t really gotten into the Christmas spirit this year, I figured I might as well go back to the source, so I paid my buddy Jesus a visit…


Chris:  Merry friggin’ Christmas Jesus!


Jesus:  Haha, well if it isn’t my old friend Chris.  Haven’t seen you in a while.


Chris:  Yeah…it’s been a bad few months.


Jesus:  Hah, you think you’ve had a bad few months?  You have any idea what’s been going on in the world?  How about a few hurricanes, some world hunger, global conflict, the list goes on.


Chris:  Well…at least it’s Christmas!


Jesus:  Ah, and you thought of me?


Chris:  Yes.  I hear tales that you were in some way connected to this freakishly skewed holiday at one point or another.


Jesus:  As amazing as this may sound, I was actually born on Christmas during biblical times.


Chris:  What a coincidence.


Jesus:  Yeah, who would have thunk it?


Chris:  Why don’t you tell me a little bit about your birth?  I’ve heard the story from so many different people but I’d love to hear it from you firsthand.


Jesus:  You are probably the first person to ask me that.  Okay Chris, I will.  It all started back during the time of the Bible.


Chris:  Old or New Testament?


Jesus:  The good one.


Chris:  Ah, so we’re in the New Testament then.


Jesus:  Anyway, so a while back my mother, Mary, you know her, kinda short, always baking cookies and such…


Chris:  Good sugar cookies.  Ginger snaps need some work but good sugar cookies.


Jesus:  So my mom is visited by an angel who proclaims to her that she will bear a child who is to be the savior of Earth and Heaven alike.


Chris:  Ooh, the messiah!


Jesus:  Naturally, she questions this and says that she is still a virgin and could not possibly be pregnant.


Chris:  And so the plot thickens.


Jesus:  Much like her uterine lining due to the pregnancy.  So she accepts this wonderful news and tells her husband Joseph.


Chris:  Oh man, how’d he take it?


Jesus:  You know, he took it really well.  He was confused and realized that he probably wouldn’t ever get sex but he was cool with it.  Really nice guy.


Chris:  So what’d he do next?


Jesus:  Naturally he told all his buddies and they all celebrated by getting absolutely hammered.


Chris:  Your mom, too?


Jesus:  Yeah.  They didn’t quite know that drinking was bad during pregnancy back in those days.


Chris:  Perhaps it is why you have all these special powers now.


Jesus:  Or maybe because I’m the son of God, but moving on…  Nine months pass and for one reason or another Joseph decides that it’d be wise for the two of them to skip town.


Chris:  That was because the king at the time wanted you dead, right?


Jesus:  Yes, this just goes to show you that life probably does indeed begin at conception.


Chris:  Careful, you might offend some people with talk like that.


Jesus:  Nuts to them, life begins at conception, deal with it.


Chris:  So the king’s having abortion issues…


Jesus:  So the king’s trying to hunt us down and stop anything from seriously messing with his life and Joseph is absolutely broke.  However, he comes across an inn and it just so happens that the innkeeper will let them stay in his barn, which he so aptly called “a manger.”


Chris:  What the heck is the difference between a barn and a manger anyways?


Jesus:  Webster’s Dictionary defines a “Manger” as “A Box or trough from which horses or cattle eat,” while a “Barn” is defined as “A unit of nuclear cross section, equal to 10 to the negative 24th power square centimeter”, er, I mean “A large building, as on a farm, for storing hay, grain, etc., and often for housing livestock.”


Chris:  That sucks.  So you guys basically had to sleep in a horse stable?


Jesus:  Well technically I was still sleeping in my mom’s womb, but yeah, we slept in the horse stable.


Chris:  What happens next?


Jesus:  Wouldn’t you know it but fate had a funny sense of humor and my mom went into labor that very night.


Chris:  Ouch, poor planning.


Jesus:  You’re telling me.  As the opening of my mother’s birthing orifice widened and my head burst forth, a glowing light shot out across the town and the world knew that I was born and kicked severe keester.


Chris:  Get to the wise men.  When did they show up?


Jesus:  They showed up not long after I was born.  It was really creepy, too.  I mean, I was just born, not five minutes of some alone time and already three dudes show up and claim that they’re wise men who come bearing gifts.


Chris:  Anything good?


Jesus:  Well I got some Frankincense and some Myrrh.  One guy brought us a tasteless T-shirt that said “It’s my party and I’ll crucify if I want to,” but we returned it for some gold instead.


Chris:  And the shepherds?


Jesus:  We were nice enough to let ‘em stay for a bit but I mean c’mon, we’re already in a manger; we didn’t need them bringing any more cattle around a newborn baby than there already was.  Besides, they were the nasty cattle of the old days that had all sorts of diseases and the like.  It’s a miracle I was able to stay alive long enough to be crucified.


Chris:  Did the king ever find you?


Jesus:  The story kinda trails off from there.  You know, sure, why not, the king did find me but he turned out to be a nice enough guy and we because buddies.  He was even nice enough to baby-sit me a few times, but I was a really good child, so it wasn’t asking much.


Chris:  Wow, what a magical story.  And what do you think about the Christmas of today’s world?


Jesus:  It’s a touchy subject.  It is probably the single meanest part of the year for people and filled with the rawest hatred.  Take for example this recent even:  A school in the Pacific Northwest does something every year called “The Giving Tree” in which little cards are hung from a tree that have gift ideas for less fortunate children and people would take a card and go buy the gift for the child and thus make their lives a little better.  But one woman wouldn’t stand for it, not one bit.  She believed that it represented Christianity too much and that it shouldn’t be allowed in a school and her opinion was followed, so it was changed to “The Giving Counter.”  What a bitch.


Chris:  Ouch.


Jesus:  That’s right, I said it.  What a bitch.  People like that don’t deserve a time such as this, but we keep givin’ it to ‘em and I keep forgiving of them their sins just because I’m that freaking nice of a guy.


Chris:  And you don’t even get anything in return for it, do you?


Jesus:  I get a good deal of souls.  They aren’t worth much, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.


Chris:  Sadly I must be going.  I just wanted to stop by and say happy birthday.


Jesus:  That’s sweet.  No gift?


Chris:  …Um…my undying love..?


Jesus:  J. C. Penney doesn’t return that for store credit.  *sigh*  Fine, I’ll except it this year, but if you just give me the same thing next year don’t expect me to send you a Christmas card in the mail.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got many children to make happy.  (Dons a red hat and a red suit.) 


Chris:  Don’t tell me that you’re really Santa Claus?


Jesus:  That jerk?  Nah, he’s got a wicked hangover and I just care enough about kids to do him a favor.  And away I go~!


And with that Jesus disappeared into the night sky, not to return again until he was summoned once more, which wouldn’t be until Sunday mass.  And to all a good night.  Amen.


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