Pranger’s Inferno

May 12, 2009 at 8:13 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

Pranger’s Inferno

 

Narrator:  Hello again everyone.  It’s everyone’s favorite narrator here, the narrator!  A lot has happened to Chris since his last entry.  When we left off, Chris and his new side-kick, Kyle, made a trip to the Vatican City to talk to the Pope about Jesus’ disappearance and to ask for help.  They were greeted with a decent reception but the Pope had little patience for such silly stories and told them they could spend the night and then had to be on their way.  During the night the Pope was kidnapped and the prime suspects were Chris and Kyle.  Let us join the story again right as Chris and Kyle were about to be seized by the Catholic guards…

 

Kyle:  So Prang, you got any bright ideas as how to get out of this one…?

 

Chris:  Don’t I always?

 

Kyle:  Nope, not usually.

 

Chris:  Then why do you think this situation is any different?  *looks around the room* Yeah, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeves…

 

Kyle:  You brought your swords with you, didn’t you?

 

Chris:  Yep, never leave home without ‘em, especially in a foreign country.

 

Kyle:  Good to know.

 

Chris:  *Draws swords* So Kyle, unless you’ve got any better ideas of how to get out of this mess, be prepared for battle.

 

Kyle:  Two steps ahead of ya.  *Draws his sword*

 

Chris:  Dude, you brought your sword, too?

 

Kyle:  Yeah, if you can get a sword then I get one too.

 

Chris:  Fair enough I suppose.

 

Cardinal:  Enough stalling for time!  Guards, either capture them or destroy them but try to leave them alive for questioning.

 

Chris:  Wouldn’t that just leave the one option of leaving us alive them?

 

Cardinal:  Meh, if it happens, it happens.  Now kill them!  *Guards begin to advance*

 

Chris:  Well that settles that I guess.

 

Kyle:  Indeed.

 

Chris:  On the count of three, follow my lead.

 

Kyle:  So am I counting or are you counting?

 

Chris:  I’m counting, hence why I’m telling you to follow my lead.

 

Kyle:  But that’ll throw me off, let me count.

 

Chris:  Why don’t we both count?

 

Kyle:  That’s too cliché, they do that in every buddy movie and this had damn well better not be another buddy movie.

 

Chris:  Hey, I’m doing my best but it’s difficult to…AH!  *One of the guards charges him with a spear* Damn, we’re not ready for this yet and I’m not a morning person!  *side-steps the attack and trips the guard*

 

Kyle:  So what is this plan to follow you?

 

Chris:  Basically, try not to get yourself killed.

 

Kyle:  Oh, I was gonna run right into one of those spear heads, good thing you told me not to.

 

Chris:  That’s what I’m here for.

 

Cardinal:  Enough talking!  Guards, all of you!  Attack now!  *waves of guards rush at Chris and Kyle*

 

Chris:  Okay Kyle, be ready for this, you take flank, and I’ll take front.

 

Kyle:  Which one’s flank?

 

Chris:  The opposite of front.

 

Kyle:  So that would be…back?

 

Chris:  Yes.

 

Kyle:  Why didn’t you just say “Get their backs?”

 

Chris:  It sounds better when you say “Take out their flank.”

 

Kyle:  But how am I supposed to get back there if THEY’RE ALL CHARGING US FROM THE FRONT?!

 

Chris:  Good point…  Well, be resourceful.

 

Both:  AH!!!!  *both are swarmed with guards attacking them*

 

Chris:  Where did you Catholics learn to fight?!  *kicks one guard in the face and blocks a spear swing with one of his swords*

 

Kyle:  They actually teach you if you attend enough church!  *flips one guard over his back and slams another one in the chin with his elbow*

 

Chris:  Did you learn this firsthand?!  *cuts a spear in half and head-butts the guard holding it*

 

Kyle:  No, Mitch told me!  *dodges two spears from the left and right and swings his sword at the spears to knock them back*

 

Chris:  Really?!  Oh that’s right!  Mitch is a practicing Catholic!  Darn, who was it that asked me if I knew any practicing Catholics?!  *gets tripped by the butt of a spear and falls to his stomach.  Three spears are then thrust at him as he rolls out of the way, although one cuts his shoulder*  Ow, Kyle, these guys really are out for blood!

 

Kyle:  That’s obvious, how shall I change my battle strategy?!  *hacks the head off a spear and punches another guard in the nose*

 

Chris:  Well, don’t go for the throat but don’t pull punches!  *flips to his feet and does a round-house kick that knocks out three guards*

 

Kyle:  Good to know… *throws down his sword and just starts boxing the guards in their faces*

 

Chris:  *Pushes a guard back and flips over him, then elbows two guards in the back of the head and kicks the guard he flipped over into Kyle, who decks him in the nose as well*

 

Kyle:  Well, that about does it for guards.  *brushes hands off* You know, punching a guy in the face can really hurt your hands.

 

Cardinal:  Hah, so you’ve beaten the basic spear guards.  Elite troops!  Get them!  *guards with swords now charge them*

 

Kyle:  Well damn.  *picks up his sword again*

 

Chris:  What say we just call it even Cardinal?  *a guard comes up and swings at his head, which Chris then ducks under* Guess not?  *another guard then rushes Chris from behind* Bah!  *thrusts his sword backwards and stabs the guard clean through with his sword* Oh, oh God!  I’m sorry!  Hey wait a minute…don’t people usually bleed when you stab them?  *pulls his sword out of the guard and then hits it in the head with the hilt of his sword*

 

Guard:  *Clang*

 

Kyle:  Clang?  Did he just say clang?

 

Chris:  And people don’t usually say clang either.

 

Kyle:  People nothing, these guys are robots.  *slices the head off of one of the guards causing sparks to fly

 

Chris:  Why the hell is the Vatican using robots?!

 

Kyle:  How the hell should I know?!

 

Cardinal:  Grah, bloody hell!  *grabs a radio out of his cloak* All units, report to main staircase in attack formation!  *robotic guards begin to file down the stairs and out of rooms left and right.  The guards that were knocked to the floor get back up and join the rest of them*

 

Chris:  *Holds head* Now this just doesn’t make any sense…

 

Cardinal:  Guards!  Attack!

 

Kyle:  *Flips his sword around a bit* Chris, we need a new plan…

 

Chris:  *Gets into battle stance* Okay, this time, actually follow my lead… *runs towards the guards, slides under one and thrusts upwards at the one behind it.  As he gets to his feet he hacks the head off the guard he slid under and chops a leg off of another guard advancing on him*

 

Kyle:  Well darn, that was pretty cool.  *runs towards some guards as well and starts swinging his sword, arms and robotic pieces flying all over the place*

 

Chris:  Kyle, get to the stairs!  *rushes the stairs as he’s being chased by a guard.  He then vaults off a statue and does a backwards flip over the guard, coming down with his sword in the guard’s head*

 

Kyle:  Sure, how hard could that be?  I mean, it’s not like we’re being attacked by dozens or robots or something…  BAH!  *thrusts his sword through one guard and impales the guard standing behind it as well.  He kicks the guard down and makes a mad dash for the stairs*

 

Chris:  Okay, now let’s see if I can really do this… *draws his swords back and begins to try to charge up an attack*

 

Kyle:  Oh God, what are you doing now?

 

Chris:  Hraaaaa!  *begins spinning with his swords out, cutting robots with every rotation.  He spins his way to the top of the stairs as he clears a path for Kyle and falls over* Urp…  Kyle, c’mon!

 

Kyle:  Jeez dude, where’d you learn to do that?

 

Chris:  Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

 

Kyle:  Aha, classy.

 

Chris:  It was either that or a kamehameha; now let’s go, this way!  *runs off towards the Pope’s room*

 

Cardinal:  He’s heading towards the Pope’s room!  Don’t let them escape!

 

Chris:  *Kicks open the room and runs over to the Pope’s desk*

 

Kyle:  There’s nothing here, what next?

 

Chris:  *Spies the Pope’s hat on the desk* Kyle, grab my hand.

 

Kyle:  An odd request but last requests usually are.

 

Chris:  *Grabs Kyle’s hand and puts the Pope’s hat on.  Instantly they are transported out of the Vatican City*

 

Kyle:  Now where’d you learn that?

 

Chris:  I didn’t…I just always wanted to wear the Pope’s hat before I died.

 

Kyle:  Well, where are we?

 

Chris:  I don’t know.  *looks around and sees a pale-white city with all the doors and windows boarded up.  The sky is replaced by the ceiling of a massive cave.  It is neither too hot nor too cold*

 

Satan:  What the hell are you two doing in Hell?

 

Chris:  Satan!  We were just asking that same question.

 

Satan:  Take off that stupid Pope hat.  That’s your problem.

 

Chris:  What?  Why?

 

Satan:  *Sigh* I assume that I must explain what’s going on then.  I kidnapped the Pope via a transportation device I planted in that hat.

 

Chris:  What could you possibly gain from kidnapping the Pope?

 

Satan:  Hah, it’s part of a much greater scheme of mine.  The Pope was the last one needed.  My plan is simple.  All I have to do is get rid of all the other religious figures and I’ll be the one to take their places!  Mwahahahaha!

 

Kyle:  Not a bad plan, per say…

 

Satan:  Per say?  It’s a great plan!  So well thought out and ingenious and now I’m the only deity left!

 

Chris:  So you’re the one who kidnapped Jesus!  *draws swords* Give him back!

 

Satan:  What?  Jesus?  I don’t have him; I thought he was with you.

 

Chris:  No, we’ve been looking for him for the past week.

 

Satan:  I don’t know what to tell you, I didn’t kidnap him.  I saw no need.

 

Chris:  No need?

 

Satan:  Yeah, Christians hardly respect him anyways and just use him as an excuse to get out of sinning to badly.

 

Chris:  Who did you kidnap by the way?

 

Satan:  Let’s see… the Pope, which you know of, um, Buddha, he went rather peacefully I might add, Joseph Smith, Allah, Mother Earth, Father Time, Michael Eisner, Santa Claus, Pat Buchanan…

 

Chris:  Pat Buchanan?

 

Satan:  Surprisingly he still has a following.

 

Chris:  Did you manage to kidnap God?

 

Satan:  No, I still haven’t managed to outdo him, although this little stunt should put me close!

 

Chris:  But you don’t have Jesus?

 

Satan:  Nope.

 

Chris:  Okay, sorry to waste your time, we’ll be on our way.

 

Kyle:  What about the other religious figures?

 

Chris:  We’ll have to set them free on our trip back; we don’t have the time for this now.

 

Satan:  Sorry to do this guys but you can’t leave now that you know so much.

 

Chris:  Aw c’mon, who’re we gonna tell who’d listen to us.

 

Satan:  You could tell lots of people, like CBS, they believe a lot of crazy crap, or-

 

Bill Gates:  Hey Satan, we’re out of coffee filters.

 

Satan:  Dammit Bill, now is a bad time.

 

Bill Gates:  Do we have any more?

 

Satan:  Bah…check under the sink.

 

Bill Gates:  I already did, all I found was dishwasher detergent and garbage bags.

 

Satan:  What about the cabinet over the refrigerator?

 

Bill Gates:  Ooh, I’ll check there.  *walks off*

 

Chris:  You know Bill Gates?

 

Satan:  Well duh.  Where d’you think all those robotic guards came from.  My idea, Bill’s hardware.

 

Kyle:  Those were your robotic guards?  What about the Cardinal?

 

Satan:  Robotic as well.

 

Chris:  I see…

 

Satan:  Well, you know too much, time to die.  *pulls out two huge dark swords.  You know the ones*

 

Chris:  *Sigh* Do we have to fight?  I’m really tired.

 

Satan:  Yes, I really want to kill you.  Oh, and Jesus too, but that’ll have to wait, I’ll just kill you while I have the chance.  *a large explosion comes from the building behind them*

 

Chris:  Huh?  *the captured religious figures all run out of the building and scatter*

 

Satan:  No!  My religious figures!  I need those for my brilliant plan!

 

Kyle: Well how do you figure that happened…?

 

Chris:  Oh God…*holds head as Emilee rides out of the building on a horse*

 

Emilee:  Ha haha!  Run!  Run to safety!  *rides towards Chris and Kyle* Hop on boys!

 

Kyle:  Sure, “hop” she says.

 

Chris:  Just do it… *throws Kyle onto the horse as Emilee rides by*

 

Kyle:  Hey!  Nobody tosses a dwarf!

 

Chris:  Satan, as usual it’s been fun, be it looks like we’ve gotta go.  Adios amigo!  *sprints off to catch up with the horse*

 

Satan:  No!  My vengeance is gone, too!  No, no!  *dramatic step, dramatic step, Vader voice*  Nooooooooooo~!

 

Chris:  *Runs along-side the horse* Emilee, what are you doing here?

 

Emilee:  You’re not getting rid of me that easily Christopher Pranger!  How dare you drop me as a partner and recruit Kyle instead!

 

Chris:  I swear, it wasn’t my fault!

 

Emilee:  Get on the gosh darned horse already!

 

Chris:  Yes ma’am… *Hops on the horse’s back*

 

Kyle:  How did you know to look for us here?

 

Emilee:  I’ve been following this situation as well; it was a lucky coincidence that we bumped into each other again.

 

Chris:  Well, thank you for saving us then.

 

Emilee:  Honestly, how could you dump me for him?

 

Chris:  I didn’t dump you for him, I explained to you that I had to get rid of you because Mr. X told me to.  Also, I’m terrible with dialogue for women.

 

Emilee:  I’m not buying it.  *stops the horse* Okay, right here, we decide who your side-kick’s going to be.  Kyle, get off the horse.

 

Kyle:  Um, okay.

 

Emilee:  We’ll fight for the position.  *hops off the horse*

 

Kyle:  What?!  I don’t wanna fight you.  *Emilee kicks Kyle in the nuts* Ahow!  Oh God, that sucks…

 

Emilee:  Hah!  I win!  Chris?  Christopher Pranger!

 

Chris:  *Riding off on the horse at full speed towards a large gate*  Sorry guys, you sort this out amongst yourselves!  I’ve got better things to do!

 

Emilee:  Come back here with my horse!  *chases after him*

 

Kyle:  Ow… *holding his crotch* Come on guys, wait up… *hobbles after them*

 

Emilee:  Where are you going?!

 

Chris:  To that gate, just follow me and I’ll explain when we get there!

 

Kyle:  Uh-oh, I know what’s coming next…

 

To Be Continued!

 

Kyle:  Dammit, I knew it…

 

*Author’s note:  I never finished this plotline, and to be honest, I never had a clue as to how I’d end up finishing it.  I put off writing a conclusion until eventually, everyone just plain forgot about it to begin with.  Regardless, I intend to write a final chapter to this and resolve it like it needs to be resolved.  But for now, To Be Continued!

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