Grand Theft Jesus

May 12, 2009 at 8:03 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  We get a brief moment of my current script form, though it’s a fleeting moment or two.  The next five parts are an extended plotline that I felt like writing, not exactly knowing where I was going with it the whole time.  Any character name that pops up, expect that it’s someone I knew in high school.  Afterall, these were written while I was still in high school for ym high school friends.  Enjoy!

 

Grand Theft Jesus

 

A New Chapter Begins…

 

Narrator:  Hello boys and girls!  It’s me, the narrator!  Am I Chris?  Nope, not today.  Chris is currently unavailable to chat today since the incident occurred.  What?  Oh for heaven’s sake, you haven’t a clue as to what’s been happening?  Okay, looks like your new best friend the narrator is going to have to shed some light on the situation.  So it all started like this…

 

Chris:  (Waking up at10 ‘til noon).  *yawn*  Crap…I hate Saturdays now that they’ve become yard work days…

 

Jesus:  Chris, you complain too much, you know that?

 

Chris:  Yes I do, and why are you here so early?

 

Jesus:  It’s almost noon Chris.

 

Chris:  I know, so why are you here so early?

 

Jesus:  You know, some people get up in the morning.

 

Chris:  Then why aren’t you bothering those people?  I needs me some sleep…  (Turns back over).

 

Jesus:  Come on now Chris, wake up time, you’ve gotta get over to your aunt’s house so that you can make pittance worth of earnings to support your car.

 

Chris:  My car is dead and you know it.

 

Jesus:  I am aware that your car no longer works but don’t forget, you had your uncle “fix” it right before it died and now you owe him $120.

 

Chris:  Bah, that car’s more useful as a burning heat source at this point than a means of transportation.

 

Jesus:  True, but a debt is a debt, now get up and go mow some lawns.  C’mon, mow mow mow!

 

Chris:  I’m up, I’m up…  (Stumbles into the shower).

 

Jesus:  And don’t take 20 minute showers, some of us still like it when the water’s actually hot.

 

Chris:  I take 20 minute showers so that I’m nice and clean for people like you, so you can thank me when I get out.

 

Jesus:  Fine fine, you do what you’ve gotta do, I’ll just sit and wait here.

 

Chris:  Alright, you’ve whined your point clear enough, I’ll just wash my hair…  (Goes into the bathroom to wash his hair.  He leaves the door open so that he can still talk with Jesus).

 

Jesus:  I’ll tell you Chris, I’m getting pretty darn excited about high school ending!

 

Chris:  I guess that makes two; you and Emilee.

 

Jesus:  You know, you’re too hard on her in that respect.  She’s just happy to be moving on.

 

Chris:  You can’t honestly say that you’re getting annoyed with her?

 

Jesus:  Oh heck yeah, I’m ready to slam my head in a door every time I hear her start up about college again, but I’m not the one that has to deal with her on a daily basis, just Sundays and important prayers.

 

Chris:  Hey, what time is church service anyways?

 

Jesus:  10 am.

 

Chris:  They have a 10 am now?!  When did this happen?!

 

Jesus:  They must’ve invented it while you were sleeping.

 

Chris:  Oh ha ha, very funny.  AH!  Darn soap in my eyes…!  Is church all that important Jesus?

 

Jesus:  A very good question Chris, I was hoping that you’d ask eventually.

 

Chris:  And the verdict?

 

Jesus(Shrugs shoulders).  Meh.

 

Chris:  That’s kinda what I figured.  (Turns off the water).

 

Jesus:  Don’t get me wrong, church can be a great thing, but do you really want a guy telling you what God did and didn’t say when you should really be interpreting the Bible for yourself?

 

Chris:  Absolutely not!  Jesus, to continue my faith in you I believe that I shall be sleeping in extra hard on Sundays.

 

Jesus:  Um, I think you lost the point I was making.

 

Chris(Putting on pants).  Okay, I’ve got to go mow my aunt’s lawn and my grandma’s lawn.  I doubt that I’ll be gone more than 4 hours.  You wanna come with?

 

Jesus:  Absolutely not Chris.  I get really bored and hate yard work.

 

Chris:  So are you just gonna wait here then?

 

Jesus:  Yeah, I think I’m going to try out this game of yours that you’ve been playing so much.

 

Chris:  You’re going to play Grand Theft Auto?

 

Jesus:  Yes, I’m over 18, why shouldn’t I be able to play it?!  I’m not a child!  (Turns towards Heaven and shakes his fist).  You hear that dad?!  I’m a grown-up now who’s playing grown-up games and using grown-up language!  Farts, boobies, butt cracks!

 

Chris:  Wow, I’m convinced that you’re a man alright…

 

Jesus:  Hey shut up, I died for you bitch!

 

Chris:  …?

 

Jesus:  I know, it’s kinda out of place but Casey’s wanted to say it as Jesus for over a month now, I guess this is a close as he’ll actually get.

 

Chris(Turns on the TV and PS2.  The TV is flickering off and on).  Darn TV, it’s acting up again.

 

Jesus:  Fear not child, for I shall heal its troubled soul…  (Closes eyes and clasps hands).  Ah…………I can sense that it is in pain.  Chris, take it to the river Jordan and anoint its screen with the mud from the river bed.

 

Chris:  Seriously?

 

Jesus:  Nah.  (Starts banging on the TV until it stops flickering).  There, all part of the Holy Spirit.

 

Chris:  Alright, so you’re all set up to play GTA for the time being?

 

Jesus:  Yep, I’m all ready for a drug-dealin’, hooker-killin’ good time.

 

Chris:  Man I never thought I’d hear you say that again.  Anyhoo, I’ll be back.

 

Jesus:  Okay, have yourself a grand ol’ time mowin’ grass.

 

Chris:  Woot…

 

Narrator:  Well, as the story goes, Chris did actually go mow his aunt and grandmother’s lawn.  In fact, he mowed his other grandmother’s lawn, too.  Such a nice boy he is.  And handsome too.  Did I mention that I’m the narrator, not actually Chris?  Anyhoo, er, I mean anyway, Chris came home 4 hours later as he promised and had acquired one terrible hay fever,

 

Chris:  Man, I have acquired one terrible hay fever.  Allergies suck Jesus; never get ‘em.  And Claritin does nothing to help.  Well, I’m kinda tired so I’m gonna go take a shower and then maybe a short nap to get me thru the rest of the day.  (Starts to walk towards the bathroom but hears no response).  Hey Jesus, I said I’m gonna go get naked and splash water on myself…  (Still no response).  Jesus?  You’re awfully quiet today.  Usually you’d be all over that last comment.  (Walks into his bedroom.  It is empty except for a note).  Aha, a note.  Must be from Jesus…  (Begins reading).

 

Note:  “Hello kind sir.  We have kidnapped your friend and expect a certain amount for his safe return.  If you do not come up with 10 million dollars by Wednesday your friend will be singing his last gospel.  Do not inform the authorities.  Have a nice day.”  Signed:  Mr. X

 

Chris:  Sweet Jesus!  He’s been kidnapped!  Um…mom…?

 

To Be Continued!

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