Crouching Tiger, Hidden Jesus

May 12, 2009 at 8:08 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Jesus


Narrator:  Hello again everyone, it is I, the narrator of the story.  I’m sure you’re all in suspense about who kidnapped Jesus, right?  Well, I’ll recap the events up ‘til now.  The other day, after Chris came home from mowing some lawns, he discovered that Jesus had been kidnapped by someone named Mr. X and that they wanted 10 million dollars by Wednesday.  He enlisted the help of Emilee but that got him nowhere, also he was terrible at writing dialogue for females, but beyond his control he learned that he would have to drop her from the investigation since Mr. X didn’t want Chris telling anyone.  As we last left off, Chris was on his way to meet his friend General Tao at Dragon Fountain along with his new co-pilot, Alan, his cat.


Chris:  Okay Syntax, here’s the plan.


Alan:  My name’s Alan, you know that right?


Chris:  Yes, but I like the name Syntax better.


Alan:  Then why didn’t you just name me Syntax when you adopted me?


Chris:  I couldn’t think of a better name at the moment, so I named you Alan.


Alan:  I always thought that you named me Alan because your previous cat was named Alex, so you named me Alan and the other cat Max, thus making the perfect homage to your first cat.


Chris:  That’s basically the jist of it, but really, I couldn’t think of a better name.


Alan:  As long as you aren’t the one who gets to name your children.


Chris:  What, Quixotic, Nebuchadnezzar, and Oxnard aren’t good names?


Alan:  No, they are not.


Chris:  Fine, how about Mitchell if it’s a boy and Brook if it’s a female?


Alan:  I’ll allow it, but then again I’m just a cat, you should have this conversation with your significant other whom if I remember correctly, does not currently exist.


Chris:  You know, for a cat you’re a real smart ass.


Alan:  I watch a lot of TV in my spare time.


Chris:  Spare time?


Alan:  Yeah, you know, in between naps and meals and such.


Chris:  Oh, right right, just like me.


Alan:  Exactly.  So what’d you do with the girl who was in here earlier?


Chris:  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was forced to send her home.


Alan:  And how did she take it?


Chris:  You know me; I’m very smooth with the females.




Chris:  *getting into the car*  Okay, good news bad news time.


Emilee:  And what’s the good news?


Chris:  Hmm…okay, bad news bad news time.  How shall I put this…um, everyone currently searching for Jesus, please raise their hand.  (Emilee raises her hand).  Not so fast there Em.  *smack*  Okay, that’s just uncalled for.  (Emilee gets out of the car).  Sorry, I’ll call you with any new developments!


*back to current situation*


Alan:  Yep, that would be your smoothness with women alright.


Chris:  Hey, you’ve never actually seen my skill with women, so you can’t judge me.


Alan:  True, I never go outside the house, and so the only chance I have to see your skills with women is when you can get them to come to the house, and thus far, I have never seen your skills with a woman.


Chris:  You’re too damned smart for a house cat.


Alan:  I watch CSI.


Chris:  That explains it.


Alan:  So where are we headed for anyway?


Chris:  Well, while I was on the phone with Mr. X, he mentioned that he wanted to order General Tao chicken from a restaurant called Dragon Fountain, so I figure that if we head to Dragon Fountain and find someone ordering General Tao chicken, we can find Mr. X.


Alan:  Not a bad idea honestly, but I have a feeling that it’ll fail.


Chris:  Why?


Alan:  Well, it’s you.  Your plans have a habit of failing.


Chris:  Not this one, you’ll see, oh you’ll see!


Alan:  Hmm, you do realize that you’re trying to prove yourself to a house cat, right?


Chris:  Okay cats aren’t supposed to talk anyways, so why can I understand you?


Alan:  You know, that’s a good question that I honestly do not know the answer to.  Then again, you have been accused of being crazy for talking to us cats in the first place.  I believe that was one of the reasons that you struck out with another female friend of yours…


Chris:  We never speak of that!  EVER!


Alan:  Aw but c’mon, it was so funny!


Chris:  No!  No one must ever speak about the W in my presence…EVER!!!


Alan:  Hahahahaha, it was still incredibly funny.


Chris:  It was not!  Now you have two choices; either you stop talking about it or we can make a trip to the vet.


Alan:  Hah, bring it on.  I’m already fixed.


Chris:  Oh, we can think of things worse than that.  Have you gotten your temperature taken lately?


Alan:  Fine fine, I’ll be good…


Chris:  Good…  (Looks over at Alan).  I’m sorry.  You’re a good kitty…  (Scratches Alan’s head).


*Time passes*


Narrator:  Once Chris finally made it to Dragon Fountain, he convinced the manager to allow him to deliver an order of General Tao chicken to someone who inevitably ended up ordering it.  I have no idea how he convinced the manager, he was a really smooth talker I guess, so I’ll let you decide how he did it.


Chris:  C’mon Alan, speak to me.


Alan:  No.


Chris:  You can’t really still be mad at me, can you?


Alan:  Yes I can.


Chris:  Aw c’mon, I’m not really gonna let Dragon Fountain take you, that was just a lie!


Alan:  You know that Jesus wouldn’t like all that lying.


Chris:  The ends will justify the means.


Alan:  Ah, Machiavelli.  His philosophies are too advanced for you.


Chris:  Dang it, you should not know so much about Machiavelli!


Alan:  Neither should you.


Chris:  Possibly, but that’s beyond the point, we’re here.  I’m going in, you wait in the car.


Alan:  I wouldn’t think otherwise.


Chris:  Er, right.  I’ll be back.  (Grabs the order of chicken and heads up to the door dressed as a delivery boy).  *knocks at the door*  Herro, I am from Dragon Frountain and I have some General Tao chicken fo a Mista X.


Thug(Slides open slit in door).  Mr. X huh?  Just a second…  Hey, Mr. Xing!  You order any chicken?!


Mr. Xing:  Yes, is it here?!


Thug:  Yes sir!


Mr. Xing:  Good, then let the delivery boy in stupid!


Thug:  Yes sir, right away sir…  (Opens door for Chris).  Put the food on the table and then get out.


Chris:  Sure…


Thug:  You know, for someone who tries to talk with a fake Chinese accent, you don’t look very Chinese.


Chris:  Um…er…well…(Grabs cell phone from his pocket).  Okay, no one moves!  I’m calling the police and turning you all in for the kidnapping of my buddy Jesus!


Mr. Xing:  Hah, I have no idea what you’re talking about!  We haven’t kidnapped anyone named Jesus that we know of.


Chris:  But…you’re Mr. X, right?


Mr. Xing:  I am a Mr. X, that doesn’t make me your Mr. X.


Chris:  But you ordered General Tao chicken…


Mr. Xing:  General Tao chicken is a popular meal; it’s no surprise that more than one person ordered it.


Chris:  Ah crap, well then don’t I just look silly.  Hah, well, I’ll just be on my way.  (Turns to walk away).


Mr. Xing:  Not so fast.  (Pulls out a gun).  Your friend may not be here, but that doesn’t mean that you’re leaving.  No one screws around with the Yakuza and lives to tell about it.


Chris:  Yakuza?!  Ah crap…


Mr. Xing:  Now drop your cell phone and come this way.


Chris:  Alright…  (Throws  the phone down).


Mr. Xing:  You.  (Points at the thug).  Take him to the back room.


Thug:  Yes sir.  (Grabs Chris and starts to drag him to the back room).


Chris:  But what about my friend?  The real Mr. X isn’t going to wait around!


Mr. Xing:  I care nothing about your foolish problems.  I guess you just have a habit for pissing off the wrong people.


Chris:  Or in this case, the Wong people, right?!  Hahahahaha…


Mr. Xing(Cocks gun).  You’d be wise to keep your foolish mouth shut.


Chris:  I’ve never really been the smart one in the family.


Mr. Xing:  Shut up or I’ll shut you up.


Chris:  Fair enough.  (Sits down and shuts up).


Mr. Xing:  Good.  (Puts gun away and calls over his guards).  You five keep an eye on him and if he does anything funny, kill him.  (Walks over to his phone and dials it).  Hello?  Mr. X?  Yes, boss, he’s here.


Chris:  You mean that you’re actually working for Mr. X?!


Mr. Xing:  Excuse me, I’m on the phone!  Yes Mr. Xian, I’ll get rid of him personally.  (Hangs up the phone).


Chris:  You said that you didn’t know Mr. X!


Mr. Xing:  There is more than one Mr. X in this city!  (Pulls his gun back out).  Now to get rid of you like I said I would…  (Pushing Chris out the door).  Now go, shoo, shoo!


Chris:  Bah, I’m goin’ already!  (Gets back in his car).


Alan:  So…how did it go…?


Chris:  Shut up, I don’t want to talk about it.


Alan:  Was Jesus in there?


Chris:  No.


Alan:  What about Mr. X?


Chris:  I learned of two Mr. X’s, but not the Mr. X.  (Chris’ cell phone rings).  That’s odd…I never give out this number…  Hello…?


Mr. X:  Hah, I still can’t believe that you thought I was Mr. Xing, or even worse, Mr. Xian.


Chris:  Hey, you’re not helping me any.


Mr. X:  I’m not supposed to help you, I’m the bad guy, remember?


Chris:  Arg, I know that!


Mr. X:  Anyway, stop your little search before it gets too ridiculous and you actually get yourself killed.  Messing with Yakuza is dumb enough; I’d hate to think of who you’ll piss off next.


Chris:  He damn well better not have an X in his name though.


Mr. X:  You do know that my name doesn’t actually have any X’s in it, right?


Chris:  Well I do now!  It’s about darn time you told me that!


Mr. X:  Enough small talk.  Stop this game and get me my money, and for God’s sake, stop talking to your cat.  *click*


Chris:  I HATE YOU!  (Throws his cell phone out the window of his car).


Alan:  Okay, now where?


Chris:  First off, I’m taking you home and then I’m packing my things for a little trip.


Alan:  Where’re you going?


Chris:  You’ll see…oh you’ll see…


To Be Continued!


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