All’s Fair in Love, War, and Catholicism

May 12, 2009 at 8:10 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

All’s Fair in Love, War, and Catholicism


Narrator:  Tis I, the narrator!  Hello again everyone, it’s been a while since you heard from Chris on his adventure, or should I say misadventure, *snicker* to find Jesus.  Last time he took his cat Alan along with him as he searched for Jesus via a trap he set up involving the local Chinese restaurant that failed miserably and got Melanie to point out that he had mistaken the Yakuza for the Chinese equivalent.  Darn her and her meddling brain.  Regardless, he has taken his cat home and is now on his way to his next location as he continues his investigation with yet another sidekick.


Kyle:  Glad to be of some service.


Chris:  No problem, besides, I can write good dialogue for you.


Kyle:  Well there you go.


Chris:  So since my last fiasco of getting myself into a less-than-interesting situation, I have decided to seek some professional help.


Kyle:  And who would this professional help be?


Chris:  The Pope.


Kyle:  And you expect the Pope to just let you talk with him?


Chris:  Yeah, my story, my rules.


Kyle:  Okay, but how do you plan to get there?  You don’t have the type of money required for airfare to the Vatican City.


Chris:  We’re not taking an airplane; I get airsick.


Kyle:  Boat?


Chris:  Seasick.


Kyle:  …Bus?


Chris:  Don’t be a smart ass Kyle.  Why would I take a bus when my car is still working?


Kyle:  Uh, Prang, the Vatican City is in Italy.


Chris:  Yeah, and?


Kyle:  Italy is in Europe.


Chris:  Thanks for the geography lesson, your point?


Kyle:  Last time I checked Europe was on the other side of the world.


Chris:  So?


Kyle:  And there is an ocean of some sort between the US and Europe.


Chris:  Not a problem.


Kyle:  I know for a fact that your car can’t float.


Chris:  We’re not going to be floating per say, we’re just going to drive above the water.


Kyle:  *holding head*  Oh God, don’t tell me…


Chris:  Yes that’s right, Jesus has explained to me how to walk on water.  The same principles apply for driving, or so I’d assume.  Do you have anything else you’d like to say?


Kyle:  Oh no, I’m good.  I’m just curious to see how this plan of yours pans out.


Chris:  Good good.  And we’re off!


Narrator:  To Kyle’s amazement, Chris’ car could actually drive on water.  After about 10 hours of driving, they had managed to get a few hundred miles into the Pacific Ocean.  They were making good time since they had hit international water and thus, there were no speed limits.  Sadly, Chris’ car ran out of gas.


Kyle:  What have we learned?


Chris:  *banging head on steering wheel*  That’s right…  Cars…cars need gas.


Kyle:  I hate to burst your bubble even further, but you do know that Europe is closer if you head East over the Atlantic Ocean?


Chris:  I do now, thank you.


Kyle:  Okay, just checking.  *leaning back in his seat*  So you do know that we’re stranded in the middle of the wrong ocean in a car that’s hovering over water with no food or drinkable water?


Chris:  And no cell phone, don’t forget the cell phone.


Kyle:  Yes, and no cell phone.  You really should learn how to use it.


Chris:  That’s what Melanie always says, but I have yet to learn how to check messages or keep it with me at all times.


Kyle:  Well let this be a lesson for you.  When a woman tells you to do something, you should do it.


Chris:  Yeah, that’s some good advice to live by.


Kyle:  So what’s your plan now?


Chris:  Well one of us has to walk to the nearest gas station.


Kyle:  *stares blankly at Chris*


Chris:  *sigh*  Okay, I’ll go since you’re obviously not much for walking.


Kyle:  Why walk when you’re just going to end up back home on the couch?  I say, save the trip and just stay there.


Chris:  I’ll be right back.  *gets out of the car*


Kyle:  Sure, I’ll just stay here I guess.  *rolls eyes*


Chris:  *looks backwards towards the ocean and gets a blank stare*  Hey Kyle, you ever seen that movie The Perfect Storm?


Kyle:  Aw crap, why?


Chris:  No real reason, I’d just suggest rolling the windows up.  *Gets back in the car.  Sits for a minute and then rolls his window up*


Kyle:  So I take it that you didn’t bother to look up any weather reports for the trip?


Chris:  Nope.


Kyle:  Well then, how’d that work out for you?


Chris:  Shut up…


Narrator:  Needless to say, the storm that engulfed the car was quite mighty, and in the end, the car was carried a great distance until it washed up on a foreign shore.


Chris:  Well…it’s like Italy…


Kyle:  Chris, we’re in Switzerland.  Assuming that it was one HELL of a storm, one powerful enough to blow us across the world, the fact that we landed in a landlocked country just raises further questions.


Chris:  Yeah, what’s more amazing is that we weren’t injured at all.


Kyle:  Yes but we landed on someone and they’re not moving.


Chris:  I’m pretty sure he was a Nazi though.


Kyle:  The Swiss aren’t affiliated with Nazis!


Chris:  Perhaps he was on vacation?


Kyle:  *pauses for a second*  Fair enough, shall we grab some chocolate before we head out?


Chris:  To quote Trinh, “HELLZ YES!”


Narrator:  Despite the obvious plot device, Chris and Kyle made it safely to Switzerland, which was very close to Italy and the Vatican City, so after they bought some chocolate, they got some gas in the Prangermobile and drive on towards their destination.  After a few more hours of travel, they magically arrive in the Vatican City.


Chris:  God bless the plot device.


Kyle:  Indeed.  Okay, now that we’re here in the Vatican, how do you plan to get an audience with the Pope?


Chris:  I’ll smooth talk my way into his office, just like I can smooth talk the ladies.


Kyle:  You have never smooth talked a lady before.


Chris:  Oh yeah.


Kyle:  Are you even Catholic?


Chris:  I drift in and out, but mostly no.


Kyle:  You mean overwhelmingly no?


Chris:  Yeah, that’s about right.


Kyle:  *sigh*  Hold on, I’ll get you in…  *comes back after a few minutes*  Okay, we’re in.


Chris:  How’d you manage that?


Kyle:  I know the secret handshake.


Chris:  Good good, you’ll have to teach me that one of these days.


Kyle:  Nope, practicing Catholics only.


Chris:  Do you really practice?


Kyle:  It’s on my to-do list, now get off my case and let’s go talk to the Pope.


Cardinal:  Welcome to the Vatican City gentlemen, the Pope will now see you.


Chris:  Shall we Kyle?


Kyle:  Yes, let’s.


Narrator:  After a short trip, the pair makes their way to the Pope’s chambers where they intend to speak with the Pope regarding Jesus’ disappearance.


Pope:  Hello and welcome to the both of you.


Chris:  Hello Pope, how’s everything going?


Pope:  It’s going just fine actually, thank you for asking.


Chris:  Always good to hear that the Pope’s doin’ good.


Pope:  You have no idea what my name is, do you?


Chris:  No sir, I do not.


Pope:  *sigh*  Figures…  *sits down at his Pope Throne*  My “Pope Throne?”  You really are an idiot.


Chris:  *cough*  Sorry about that.  I’m sure that you’d like to get down to business though since I’m sure you have lots of Popely matters to attend to.


*Both Kyle and Pope shake their heads in awe of Chris’ way with words*


Pope:  So my assistant tells me that you are here about a missing person?  Usually that sort of business is left to the police to deal with.


Chris:  This is no ordinary person.  I’m talking about Jesus.


Pope:  Excuse me?


Chris:  A few days ago I came home to find that Jesus had been kidnapped by a man named Mr. X and that he wanted a ransom of $10 million for Jesus’ safe return.


Pope:  If your friend is really who you say he is, why hasn’t he found a way to escape via some holy abilities?


Chris:  I don’t know, I can’t read minds.


Pope:  You know, it’s really a handy skill to learn.  If you train with me, I can make you more powerful than you could possibly imagine.


Chris:  So is it possible for me to learn this skill?


Pope:  Not from a Christian.


Kyle:  Thank you Emperor Popaltine, but could we stay on topic?


Chris:  Heh, Popaltine, that’s clever.


Pope:  Honestly I don’t know what you expect me to do on the matter.


Chris:  Well can’t you organize a search party or donate $10 million towards the cause?


Pope:  I’m sorry, but there is really nothing I can do.


Chris:  Nothing you can do, or nothing you will do?


Pope:  At this point it appears to be both.  Your best chance sounds to be prayer.  Now if you’ll both excuse me I have more important business to attend to.  You may stay here for the night but in the morning I expect you both to be gone from my sight with your foolish stories.  *leaves*


Kyle:  Well, now what?


Chris:  Nothing we can really do except for take this opportunity to rest.  *Pope’s phone rings*  Hey Pope?  Your phone’s ringing.  *picks up phone*  Hello, Pope’s residence, Chris speaking.


Mr. X:  I thought I told you not to inform anyone.


Chris:  I know, you said anyone, I have clearly informed more than one person, none of which are the authorities.


Mr. X:  Okay, no more technicalities.  That was your last one.


Chris:  Can I at least keep Kyle as a sidekick?


Mr. X:  No, get rid of him.


Chris:  Screw that, I’m keeping him as my co-pilot whether you like it or not.


Mr. X:  Hey, you’re not the one making the rules here.


Chris:  You’re talking to a guy who thinks that there’s such as thing as a “Pope Throne,” give me a friggin’ break.


Mr. X:  True, and you did think that the Yakuza had Chinese people in it.


Chris:  I am never going to live that down…


Mr. X:  Fine, I’ll allow you to keep Kyle as a partner, but don’t tell anyone else, this is your last warning.  Get me my money.  You have two days left.  Talk to you soon.  *click*


Chris:  I really hate that guy.  Okay Kyle, let’s hit the hay for the evening.


Kyle:  What’re our chances at this point of safely rescuing Jesus?


Chris:  We may have more luck if we try and raise the $10 million.  Hey…we could always try asking Mel Gibson!


Kyle:  Well there’s an idea that’s crazy enough to work.  For now, bed time.


Narrator:  Kyle and Chris find their way to their rooms and enjoy a peaceful evening to themselves discussing pointless arguments, such as which is funnier: bananas or cheese?  They have no knowledge of anything happening downstairs during the night.  The next morning they awake to an unexpected turn of events.


Chris:  *yawn*  Hey, what’s going on down here?


Cardinal:  There they are!  The ones who kidnapped the Pope!


Kyle:  Whoa, where’d that idea come from?


Chris:  The Pope’s been kidnapped…?


Cardinal:  We know that you two were very unhappy with the result of your little chat with the Pope and are sure that you have done something with him.


Chris:  What ever happened to innocent until proven guilty?


Cardinal:  You’re thinking of the United States.  This is a nation run by Catholics and to Catholics, everyone’s a sinner.


Chris:  Ah.


Cardinal:  Guards, seize them!


To Be Continued!


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