Jesus Takes Me to Prom

May 11, 2009 at 8:57 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  Here are parts 1, 2, and 3 of the first intended plotline in a Jesus conversation.  As you can see, the format for writing is still changing and I’ve yet to come upon something I like enough to stick with, but we’re getting closer.  Onevery important aspect you may ask after this is, “Who is this Emilee girl?”  Emilee is a friend I had in high school and by senior year all she would talk about related to going to college the next year.  I meant no harm with including her, merely just some playful fun.  So…enjoy!

 

Jesus Takes Me to Prom:  Part 1

 

So by now it’s a pretty well known fact that Jesus and I hang out on a regular basis.  Sadly, we’ve both been busy lately, what with high school ending and a new Pope being selected, but when we finally found the time to kick back, Jesus informed me that he had a plan to get me to relax for a few hours.

 

Jesus:  Chris, I’ve got an awkward question to ask you…

 

Chris:  The ointment’s in the fridge next to the pudding.

 

Jesus:  What?  No, no, good God man, that’s not what I was gonna ask.

 

Chris:  [Takes a bite of pizza]  Whatever then.  What’s your question?

 

Jesus:  Well, it’s prom season up in Heaven and…well…everyone seems to have a date but me.

 

Chris:  Why don’t you ask Mags?  She’s a severe hotty, plus I hear she’s a feisty one in the sack.

 

Jesus:  Hey!  Mags is not a whore and never was!

 

Chris:  Then why does everybody say that she was?

 

Jesus:  Because there was a Pope a few years back who confused the woman that was stoned right before Mary with Mags and he just kept right on talking to cover up his mistake while no one asked for clarification, so everyone’s assumed that she was a prostitute ever since, even though the Bible never called her one.

 

Chris:  [Looks towards reader]  Looks like you just learned something.

 

Jesus:  Regardless, Mags isn’t in town, she’s away for the weekend with the other apostles attending some sort of fishing seminar.

 

Chris:  Why didn’t you go with ‘em?

 

Jesus:  I don’t actually like fish…

 

Chris:  Hah, really?  How could you not like fish?

 

Jesus:  I have my reasons…

 

Chris:  [Big smile]  You’re afraid of ‘em aren’t you?

 

Jesus:  What?  No, of course not!

 

Chris:  Admit it, you’re afraid of fish because they flail all around when they’re out of water and you think they’re trying to attack you.

 

Jesus:  Hey, look who’s talking!

 

Chris:  [Recoils into his chair]  Hey, that fish bit me hard, it was a vicious monster with the fire of Hell in it’s eyes…

 

Jesus:  How big did you say it was again…?

 

Chris:  Darn thing must have been over three feet…

 

Jesus:  Funny, I remember it being more like 6 inches…

 

Chris:  Bah, I was never very good at describing things anyways, so never get lost unless you’ve got some distinguishing scars or are black or something like that so I can describe you for the missing person’s report.

 

Jesus:  Okay, I’ll make sure not to get lost around you any time soon.  Now back to my question;  Yay or nay?

 

Chris:  [Takes a bite of pizza and focuses on the TV]  Yeah I’ll go to your prom with you.

 

Jesus:  Excellent!  So what should we wear?

 

Chris:  Something sensible of course.  I assume you’ll be wearing your dress again?

 

Jesus:  It’s a robe and you can go fornicate yourself with a wooden spoon.

 

Chris:  [Drops pizza and falls off chair laughing]  Whahahaha, so I’ve been rubbing off on you have I?

 

Jesus:  Meh, maybe just a little.  My dad’s taught me some pretty good comebacks over the years.

 

Chris:  [Laying on his back on the floor]  Wow, divine insults…I’ll have to hear some of these, and the sooner the better.

 

Jesus:  I’ll tell my dad to talk to you when he’s not busy planning the death of the next Pope.

 

Chris:  Okay, but we’ll need some really good zingers if we’re going to prom together.  Which brings me to the next question…which one of us is gonna…you know…

 

Jesus:  No I don’t.

 

Chris:  Who’s gonna be the guy and who’s gonna be the girl?

 

Jesus:  Naturally I’ll be the guy.  I just assumed that you knew that you’d be the girl.

 

Chris:  What?!  There is no way that I’m gonna be your bitch, Jesus.

 

Jesus:  Hah, that’s what Matthew first said when I met him.

 

Chris:  Whoa, didn’t need to know that Jesus…

 

Jesus:  He was a metaphoric…I’m not gonna have this conversation with you right now.  Get yer coat, we’re goin’ tux shopping…

 

To Be Contunued…

 

Jesus Takes Me to Prom:  Part 2

 

On our last edition of My Buddy Jesus, I was asked to take Jesus to his prom.  Reluctantly, I accepted, but we have yet to decide what to wear, and I refuse to be the woman in the situation.  So today we find ourselves looking for tuxes at the local tux store.  Luckily, Jesus’ dad is fronting the bill, but that means that he’s tagging along too.  So it continues…

 

Jesus:  How about this one Chris?  [Holds up a silky red dress]

 

Chris:  I told you, no dresses, especially red dresses.

 

God:  C’mon you kids, I’m getting booooooored and I wanna go home and sleeeeeep~  [Starts dancing around due to his boredom]

 

Jesus:  Hold your horses dad, we’re not going to take much longer.

 

God:  You said that over three hours ago.  You shop like a little girl.

 

Chris:  That’s what I keep telling him…

 

Jesus:  Both of you can go fornicate yourself with a wooden spoon.

 

Chris:  You already used that insult the other day, now you’re just getting repetitive.  What happened to all those divine insults that you promised?

 

Jesus:  I’ve only heard that one from my dad thus far.

 

Chris:  Okay, let me try something.  [Turns to God]  Hey God, your mom’s a fuggly slut.

 

God:  Heh, your car’s on fire.

 

Chris:  That’s hardly an insult.

 

God:  No, that’s a statement.  [Points over his shoulder towards the window]

 

Chris:  [Looks over and sees his car engulfed in flames]  Damn, you’re good.

 

God:  [Smiles]  It’s a talent.

 

Chris:  What other sort of good divine insults have you had?

 

God:  Let me think…  You remember Sodom and Gomorra right?

 

Chris:  Yeah, what did they say to you?

 

God:  They’re all like, “Whoa God, we ain’t gonna live how you want us too,” and I’m like, “Oh you did not just say that to me,” and they’re all like, “Pshaw, what of it bitch,” and I’m all like, “You are sooo smited.”  [Snaps fingers]

 

Chris:  Huh, well I’ll have to make sure not to piss you off too badly then.

 

God:  You know what got its name from the City of Sodom?

 

Chris:  Sodomy?

 

God:  I was gonna say New Jersey but both true.

 

Jesus:  [Brings over a nice tux]  What about this one Chris?  It’s stylish and affordable.

 

Chris:  Meh, it just doesn’t look right.

 

Jesus:  You keep saying that and I keep telling you, no matter how much you what it to happen there is no way that you’ll look as good as James Bond in any of these tuxedos.

 

Chris:  It could happen!  [Storms out of the room]

 

God:  So Jesus…how’s school going…?

 

Jesus:  [Sigh]  You want to try and bond now?  Where have you been for the past 2000 years?  I really don’t like talking about school.

 

God:  Oh I’m soooo sorry for trying to take an interest in my kid’s life!

 

Jesus:  Well it’s just that you’ve been so distant that it’s difficult for me to take you seriously whenever you attempt to talk to me.

 

God:  Well I’m trying now, so give me a chance.  I no longer have to worry about the condition of the world so I’ve got time on my hands again.

 

Jesus:  Where did you suddenly get all this time on your hands?

 

God:  I hired an assistant.

 

[Flash up to Heaven]

 

Emilee:  Mwahahahahaha!

 

[Flashes back to the current scene]

 

Jesus:  Yep, Earth’s screwed.

 

God:  So come on, give me a chance to get to know you better.  Do you have a girlfriend yet?

 

Jesus:  Kinda, it’s complicated.

 

God:  Oh really…?  What’s her name?

 

Jesus:  Dad, this if extremely pointless seeing as how you know all and see all.

 

God:  Well yeah but even I’m not sure if you and Mary Magdalene ever got married or not!

 

Jesus:  The Catholic church does do a pretty good job of keeping that fact extremely secret…

 

God:  Ooh…don’t even remind me…

 

Jesus:  So…how’s your life going?

 

God:  You’d think after all this time I’d be getting bored with my job but I just love what I do.

 

Jesus:  You mean constantly changing the weather for the upcoming days just to spite the news forecasts?

 

God:  Yeah, and I help people with problems every once in a while too.

 

Jesus:  You might want to put Chris’ car out then…

 

God:  Oh, no problem.  [Looks over at Chris’ car and puts the fire out, then returns it to the way it was, by which I mean still incapable of driving]

 

Jesus:  Chris!  Where’d you go?!

 

Chris:  [Walks back in holding two suits]  Jesus, I think we may have found our outfits…

 

To Be Continued…

 

 

Jesus Takes Me to Prom Part 3

 

As we last left off more than two weeks ago, Jesus and I had been shopping for the perfect prom tuxes at a place called the Tux Store.  God was along for the outing and was paying for whatever we found; the problem was finding the right tuxedoes for the job.  Before we ended the last chapter I announced to Jesus that I had found the perfect outfits for the dance.  And that is where we pick this story up again.  Time for the thrilling conclusion to this three part mini series filled with action, suspense, love, Jesus, and fornication with wooden spoons.  And now for our entrance into the Heavenly Prom Ballroom…

 

Heavenly Announcer:  And our next couple tonight is the fabulous pair that goes by the aliases Heysuess and Emilio.  Please welcome Jesus and Topher!

 

[Jesus and Chris enter the room sword fighting with their canes.  Chris is in a tacky orange suit and top hat and Jesus is, you called it, wearing the same outfit except in powder blue, ala Dumb and Dumber]

 

Chris:  Well Jesus, thus far, it’s been a pretty good night.  Dinner was quite enjoyable.  Boy was I stuffed.  I must thank you for paying; otherwise I would never have been able to afford to come along.

 

Jesus:  I didn’t pay…  I thought you did.

 

Chris:  I sure didn’t pay for any of it.  I left the paying up to you.

 

Jesus:  You never told me that!  So who paid for the meal?

 

Chris:  The kind owner of the restaurant…?

 

Jesus:  Oh no, no nope, don’t tell me that Jesus just dined and dashed.

 

Chris:  Okay, then I won’t tell you, but it doesn’t change the honest fact that you just stole over $50 worth of food.

 

Jesus:  Oh yeah?  Well you can just go-

 

Chris:  I know, I know.  “I can go fornicate myself with a wooden spoon.”  You’ve officially overused that at this point.

 

Jesus:  You just wait, by the end of this night I’ll come up with the ultimate zing.  A zing so powerful that…that…well you’ll feel quite foolish that you were zinged so severely, that’s for sure!

 

Chris:  Right…  Well, shall we mingle a bit?

 

Jesus:  Sure why not.  Let’s check out the punch table.

 

Chris:  You think anyone spiked it yet?

 

Jesus:  Doubtful, they’ve got really tight security at this dance and I haven’t had a chance to change anything into wine yet.

 

Chris:  Hey, did I tell you about my prom yet?

 

Jesus:  You mean how someone spiked the punch and you had a lot of punch and then drove everyone home and figured that you were a really good drunk and were actually a super hero that had the ability to stave off the effects of alcohol poisoning?

 

Chris:  Yeah that story.

 

Jesus:  No you never told me.

 

Chris:  Oh, well during my prom-

 

Jesus:  That was a rumor and you know it.

 

Chris:  Let me have this one story!

 

Jesus:  No, I can’t stand it when you lie.

 

Chris:  It’s not technically a lie if I believe it.

 

Jesus:  Aha, the ol’ religious defense eh?

 

Chris:  You know it!

 

Jesus:  Good answer.

 

Chris:  [Scans the area] Hmm…doesn’t seem to be anyone I know around here…

 

Jesus:  Of course not, you’re not a God or an apostle or a religious nut job or part of the Fantastic Four, why would you know anyone up here in Heaven?

 

Chris:  I just naturally assumed that I knew everyone in the world and vice versa.

 

Jesus:  Huh, and some people have the misconception that you’ve got a large ego…

 

Chris:  I know, and that’s not the only large part about me.

 

Jesus: 

 

Chris:  I was referring to my intellect.

 

Jesus:  Ah, and modest, can’t forget that you’re modest, too.

 

Chris:  ‘Course not.

 

Jesus:  Oh crud, don’t look now but it’s the principal of my high school…

 

Chris:  At least he’s showing an interest in his students by coming to their prom, right?

 

Jesus:  Right…

 

Principal:  Well if it isn’t Mr. Christ.  Funny to see you here…

 

Jesus:  Hello principal Rightwing…  How nice it is to see you tonight…

 

Principal:  Yes, as if I don’t see you enough as it is already.  Staying out of trouble tonight, correct?

 

Jesus:  Of course, why would I be getting myself into trouble?

 

Chris:  [Raises an eyebrow] Why’re you getting treated like you get these sort of lectures all the time…?

 

Jesus:  No reason really…

 

Principal:  Your buddy Jesus here has a record of tardiness and skipping classes on a regular basis.

 

Chris:  Well give him some slack; it’s tough being everywhere at once.

 

Principal:  Riiiiight…  Mr. Christ, I’ll see you bright and early in my office Monday morning.  There will be no excuses I take it?

 

Jesus:  [Sigh] No principal Rightwing…

 

Principal:  Good, see you then.  [Walks away]

 

Chris:  Principal Rightwing…?

 

Jesus:  Coincidence I’m sure.  He actually voted for Kerry.

 

Chris:  Heh, I’d sure love to have seen him on November 3rd.

 

Jesus:  Ha, yeah it was pretty funny all right; especially with all the trash he’d been giving me about how Kerry was gonna destroy Bush in the polls.  Who’s laughing now?!

 

Both:  Hahahahaha!

 

Chris:  [Something in the crowd catches his eye] Is that…?

 

Jesus:  What is it?  What’d you see?

 

Chris:  I could have sworn that I saw Satan giving me the evil eye…

 

Jesus:  Impossible, what would he be doing here?  He dropped out of this high school years ago.

 

Chris:  Well, regardless I think we should just stay away from the dance floor for the night.

 

Jesus:  What?!  I knew it!  You’ve been searching for the perfect excuse to get out of dancing and now you’ve think you’ve found it?  Well forget you buddy!  You’re dancing whether you want to or not, now get out there and shake your groove thang.

 

Chris:  Did you just use the term “thang?”

 

Jesus:  Stop stalling and move!

 

Chris:  Bah…  [Throws punch glass away; it hits a random guy by the punch bowl]

 

Pat Robertson:  Ow!

 

Chris:  Hah, take that Robertson!

 

Pat:  [Throws down his punch glass] You want some of this dough boy?

 

Chris:  Dough boy?!  Oh you are so askin’ for some pain!

 

Pat:  Well then, “Bring It On!”

 

Chris:  Heh, I get it, it’s just like that segment from the 700 Club.  [Pat socks him in the nose]  OW, you little bitch, I’ll kick your scrawny ass back to CBN!

 

Jesus:  [Holds Chris back] You wanna try and go one day without pissing someone off?

 

Chris:  [Holding nose] Hey, he started it…

 

Jesus:  Just let it go.  C’mon, let’s head to the dance floor.

 

Pat:  That’s right; just walk away with your little boyfriend.

 

Jesus:  Oh you did not just make a gay reference.  [Head bob with the finger snap]

 

Pat:  Yeah, what of it?

 

Jesus:  That’s it!  [Dives on Pat and starts choking him]

 

Chris:  Ahehe, Jesus, what say we don’t go killing Mr. Robertson for today?  [Pulls Jesus off of Pat.  Pat runs away crying]

 

Jesus:  Yeah, good call.  Almost lost my cool back there…

 

Chris:  Yeah, almost.

 

Jesus:  I just get so sick of people making lame homosexual references.  It’s just not polite or intelligent.

 

Chris:  [Turns towards the audience] And that’s the only actual lesson we have for you today, I swear.  Now back to the pointlessness…

 

[Baby Got Back starts playing on the dance floor]

 

Jesus:  Oh man, I love this song!  Chris, shake that tail!

 

Chris:  Oy, I wonder if God has to put up with anything this mind-numbingly painful…?

 

[Flash to God in his office with his new assistant]

 

Emilee:  Oh I’m sooooo excited about college!

 

God:  [Sigh] I know, you told me that already.

 

Emilee:  I can’t believe that there’s less than three weeks of school left and summer and then FREEDOM!!!

 

God:  Yep, that’s pretty amazing alright…

 

Emilee:  OOOH!  LOOK!  This is what my dorm will look like!  [Points at computer screen]

 

God:  [Slams head on desk] I know, you’ve shown everyone that picture before…

 

Emilee:  Ah man, my dorm doesn’t allow any pets, including fish!  Isn’t that WEIRD?!

 

God:  Gah!  Do you ever stop and listen to yourself?!  Just on and on and on with the same stuff!  You never shut up about what college is going to be like!  Do you even care what people think of your endless noisemaking?!

 

Emilee: 

 

God: 

 

Emilee:  …Did you know that I’m going to be a Pirate next year?!  OOOH, I CAN’T WAIT!!!  [Turns back to computer screen]

 

God:  [Repeatedly slamming head on his desk] I give up!  You win again!  I’ll get you for this Chris Pranger!  [Shakes fist as the scene switches back to Chris and Jesus]

 

Chris:  [Tired from a string of dances following Baby Got Back] There, I danced.  I’ve filled my quota for the evening and done my job.

 

Jesus:  What about my slow dance?  You promised me a slow dance.

 

Chris:  Crap…  Fine, next slow dance it’s all you about you n’ me, okay?

 

Jesus:  Good good.

 

Chris:  [Sits down with his punch glass] Man am I wiped out from all this dancing…

 

Jesus:  You’re such a wuss.  I carried a giant wooden cross through an entire city, and that was all after I was horse whipped and torn up and such.

 

Chris:  I saw Passion of the Christ.  Dude, mad props to you for dealing with all of that and not talking back.

 

Jesus:  Gibson didn’t know what he was talking about.  I was talkin’ up a storm while dragging that cross through the city.  I was like, “Oh, oh, you know I’d be able to carry this cross a lot faster if you’d all stop whipping me so much an’ give me some better shoes,”  and they’re all like, “Whip whip whip,”  and I’m so like, “Pfff, whateva dudes, you should just be lucky that I’m such a nice guy for not goin’ all Jesus on your tails,” and they’re just like, “Whip whip whip,” and then we finally got to the spot and they’re like, “Whip whip whip…THUNK!” And I’m like, “Weak dude.”

 

Chris:  Um…sorry…?

 

Jesus:  Meh, hakuna matata.  I showed them, didn’t I?

 

Chris:  I’d sure say so, what with the rising from the dead after three days and all.

 

Jesus:  HAH!  Thought you can kill Christ can you?  I think not!  The ironic part was that once I came back they all started trying to predict when I’d return to Earth, settin’ dates for the Rapture and all that good stuff despite the fact that I told them, “I’m not telling you when I’m coming back and if you try to guess the correct date I’ll just change it.”

 

Chris:  Hahahaha, now that’s irony for ya.

 

[The crowd of people all start screaming and a dark figure pushes his way through]

 

Satan:  Chris Pranger!  We have a score to settle!

 

Jesus:  I’ll be darned, you were right Chris; Satan is here.

 

Chris:  I told you.

 

Satan:  I shall take your soul on this night!

 

Chris:  Now why do you suppose he’s so mad at me?

 

Jesus:  Don’t you remember, you two were in a fight that never got concluded.  You wrote “To Be Continued…” and then never finished it.

 

Chris:  Oh right…

 

Satan:  [Pulls out his huge dark swords and prepares to fight] It shall rain blood tonight!

 

Chris:  Cliché, cliché, cliché…  [Pulls out his sai]

 

 

Jesus:  Hey!  You promised me you wouldn’t bring those tonight!  I said no sais and you said okay!

 

Chris:  I thought you meant no sighs seeing as how I’m usually depressing to be around.

 

Jesus:  Well…um…touché.

 

Chris:  It all turned out for the better anyways.  Prepare yourself Satan!  This shall be our final battle…this week!

 

Satan:  Mwahahaha!

 

Jesus:  I’m just gonna go grab something from the snack table while you duke it out old school with Satan.  [Walks over to the snack table]  Ooh!  Fudge!

 

[An awesome battle ensues between Chris and Satan, a battle so awesome that no words can describe it.  The closest thing to an actual word to describe it is “Ragitude,” but even that word can’t come close to describing the awesomeness of-]

 

Jesus:  We get it…

 

[Ahem, right…anyways, stuff happened, Chris and Satan fight and after a grueling three minutes they are beginning to tire]

 

Satan:  You mean you’re beginning to tire.  I am still ready to fight, you’ve just grown fat and out of shape.

 

Chris:  Oh cheap shot.  You can just cram it.  [Takes off his jacket and top hat]  Round two.

 

[Chris and Satan continue their fight, only to annoy the audience with the stupidity and lameness of what is being written.  After another few minutes Chris is about to pass out as Satan is ready for the final blow]

 

Satan:  And with this I end your wretched life!  [A car crashes through the party and runs over Satan, stopping just a few feet in front of Chris]

 

Pat Robertson:  [Leans out the car window] Damn, wrong guy…

 

Jesus:  Boy, I did not see that one coming.

 

Pat:  I’ll get you next time Chris Pranger!

 

Satan:  [From under car] As shall I!  Ugh…  [Faints]

 

Chris:  I really need to stop making so many enemies.

 

Jesus:  I think this is our cue to exit Chris.

 

Chris:  Good idea.  The crowd is getting kinda pissed.

 

Jesus:  Just a tad bit…

 

Crowd:  Kill him!

 

Chris:  Okay, I think we’re done here…RUN!!

 

[Jesus and Chris run out of the ballroom as the crowd chases them away]

 

Chris:  All in all I’d say that this was a pretty successful night.

 

Jesus:  Well, you delivered everything except the love and romance that you promised at the beginning of the story.

 

Chris:  True, but there is still time left for that…IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE!

 

Jesus: 

 

Chris:  Plot device…?

 

Jesus:  You can sure say that again.

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