Jesus and Me at the DMV

May 11, 2009 at 8:41 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  This is the first official Jesus Conversation, or at least the first to be dubbed a “Jesus Conversation.”  The next few are more like Jesus Adventures rather than conversations, but they’re fun nonetheless.  With these I’m still in high school, so the jokes relate back to 2005 a bit.  Enjoy!



So the other day I found myself at the DMV.  I realized that Jesus had not yet gotten his driving permit and I figured that it was about time.


Chris:  Okay, so you’re ready for your test, right?


Jesus:  Of course.


Chris:  Did you remember to study the driver’s manual?


Jesus:  Yep, I read it front and back.


Chris:  You mean front to back, right?


Jesus:  Nope, front and back.  I got a pretty hand-me-down copy from my dad so it’s missing a lot, plus I’m sure that it’s out-dated by a few millennia anyway.


Chris:  A valid excuse.  Okay, this just means that I’ve got to teach you everything there is to know about driving in the time it takes before they call our number.


Jesus:  It won’t actually take 6 hours will it?


Chris:  I hope not.  Now come on, let’s cram some driving knowledge into that holy brain of yours.  We’ve got no time to waste.


*5 and a half hours pass*


Jesus:  Aha!  Paper covers rock!  I win again!


Chris:  I still don’t understand why paper can beat rock.


Jesus:  Because, paper is made from trees and if a tree begins growing inside a rock it can split the rock.


Chris:  Ice splits rocks better, though.  It should have been Rock, Ice, Scissors.


Jesus:  How do you expect to cut ice with scissors?


Chris:  True…how about Rock, Ice, Fire?


Jesus:  Hmm…yep, rocks can put out fire.  I’ll make sure to send an urgent letter to the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors with the revisions.


Chris:  Ha ha, funny man.  *checks the clock*  How the heck did we waste 5 and a half hours playing Rock, Paper, Scissors?!


Jesus:  The real question is: how did you lose each and every time?


Chris:  …Quiet.  Okay, this just means that I’ve gotta teach you faster than I expected.


Jesus:  Alright, teach me professor.


Chris:  Let’s begin with the basics.  First off, always remember to buckle your seat belt.


Jesus:  Why?


Chris:  Because it can prevent you from dying in case of an accident.


Jesus:  HAH!  Yeah, like I’m gonna get killed from a little car accident.  Not likely.  Come on; teach me the hard stuff like parallel parking or sweet-talking cops.


Chris:  Oh that’s easy, although parallel parking is pert-near impossible.


Jesus:  No worries, you’re talking to the Son of God here, impossible is nothing.  Why don’t you just quiz me on a few questions?


Chris:  Okay, when you come to a 4-way intersection at the same time as another driver, who has the right-of-way?


Jesus:  I do.


Chris:  Why?


Jesus:  ‘Cause I’m Jesus.


Chris:  Correct.  Alright, when are you allowed to take a left turn at a red stop light?


Jesus:  When no one else is around.


Chris:  Good, you were paying attention on the ride over here.  Oh here’s a good question.  When are you allowed to have drugs in your car?  A.  Only sometimes, B.  Only on holidays, C.  Only on your birthday, or D.  Never?


Jesus:  You have got to be kidding me right?  What kind of question is that?


Chris:  Apparently a question that I got during my original driver’s test.  Did you also know that drinking and driving is illegal?


Jesus:  Really?  Man they never let anyone have any fun anymore.


DMV Employee 1:  Number 777, I repeat, number 777?


Jesus:  Hey, that’s us!


Chris:  Ah man, we need more time to study!


Jesus:  No worries Topher, I’ve got this under control.  *Chris and Jesus walk up to the counter*  Good morrow my child.


DMV Employee 1:  Who’re you supposed to be, John Belushi from Animal House?


Jesus:  Nope, I’m the Son of God.


DMV Employee 1:  Real cute.  Name please?


Jesus:  Jesus H. Christ.


DMV Employee 1:  What does the H stand for?


Jesus:  Holy, as in Holy Christ.


DMV Employee 1:  Seriously?


Jesus:  No, it stands for Hank.  Hahahaha…


Chris:  Hahahaha…  *quietly*  {It’s really Holy, right?}


Jesus:  Hahahaha…  {Yeah.}


DMV Employee 1:  Okay Mr. Christ, you’ll be taking your test in booth number 6.


Chris:  Excuse me, but could he have booth 7?  It’s kinda his lucky number.


DMV Employee 1:  *sigh*  Fine.  Good luck on your test.  I need to get out more…


Chris:  You ready for this?


Jesus:  Of course.  You worry too much.  Why don’t you stop in at Oroweat while I take the test.  You can pick up some bread for the celebration afterwards.


Chris:  Heh, you and your bread.


Jesus:  Hey, Oroweat sells more than just bread.  They also sell donuts and…taco shells…?


Chris:  I’ll pick you out some really good bread.  Good luck.


Jesus:  Thank you, but I doubt I’ll need it.


(Time passes.  Chris is sitting in one of the waiting room chairs eating a burrito.)


Jesus:  All done!


Chris:  ‘Bout time.


Jesus:  Where’d you get the burrito?


Chris:  Jose’s Burrito Truck.


Jesus:  Why’d you buy something from there?


Chris:  The food truck that sells alligator meat wasn’t around.


Jesus:  Ah, good call.


Chris:  So, what’d you get on the test?


Jesus:  149%.


Chris:  How the heck did you get over 100%?


Jesus:  Because I’m Jesus.


Chris:  Good answer.  So, you ready to go?


Jesus:  Nah, we gotta wait for them to take my picture and give me my permit.


DMV Employee 2:  Um…is there a Heysuess here?


*78 hands go up*


DMV Employee 2:  Um…Heysuess Christ?


Jesus:  That’s me!  *Chris and Jesus go up to the counter again*


DMV Employee 2:  Okay, I’m going to take your picture now, so if you could just stand on the X on the floor over there that’d be great.  *Jesus stands on the X*  Okay, now look into the camera…  *takes picture*  …and you’re done.  Just give me a minute to get your driving permit ready.


Jesus:  Darn, I think I blinked when he took the picture.


Chris:  I wouldn’t worry about it.  You should see my student ID.  I look like Christian Slater.


Jesus:  Really?!  Hahahaha, I’ve gotta see it, let me see!  *Chris pulls out his student ID*  Bahahahaha, you really do look like him!  Why’d you have your hair combed like that at the beginning of the year?!


Chris:  *sigh*  Because, I thought it looked good.


Jesus:  Hahaha…  *instantly serious*  As your friend I advise you to never comb your hair like that again.


Chris:  Fair enough.


DMV Employee 2:  Alright Mr. Christ, here’s your driving permit.  Congratulations and drive safe.


Jesus:  Hey, the picture turned out great, although it’s a bit washed out.  I knew I should have turned down my holy light a bit.


Chris:  Only you could take a good driver’s license picture.


Jesus:  That’s because I’m Je-


Chris:  I know, I know, you’re Jesus.  Now let’s get going.  I’ve got stuff I’ve gotta do today.


Jesus:  You mean you’ve gotta sit in your recliner and watch Seinfeld while eating potato chips?


Chris:  Noooo…I eat Cheese-Its, not potato chips.


Jesus:  Regardless of what you are eating, you think you can wear pants while doing it?


Chris:  No deal.  Now let’s go.  You wanna drive?


Jesus:  That depends, are we taking your car?


Chris:  What’s wrong with my car?


Jesus:  The thing leaks raw gasoline fumes directly into the cabin.


Chris:  So that’s why I haven’t been getting to school on time lately…


Jesus:  *sigh*  Alright, gimme your keys with the giant Garfield key chain.


Chris:  Hey you said you thought it looked cool.


Jesus:  And it does, it really does, just like your hair in your student ID.


Chris:  Shut up and drive…


*Chris and Jesus get into the car and start driving home*


Jesus:  What’s that scraping noise?


Chris:  *holding his forehead*  That would be the sound the car makes when you leave the parking brake on while driving.


Jesus:  Oh so that’s what that is.  Why do you put the parking brake on anyway?  I thought you wanted this car to roll into oncoming traffic.


Chris:  I do, I just want to be in it at the time.


Jesus:  There you go again.  You need to stop being such a Negative Nancy.


Chris:  I’ll feel good when I darn well want to.


Jesus:  You know, you’ve got plenty to live for, such as, oh snap!  Slug-bug green!  *socks Chris in the arm*


Chris:  Aoow!  Let’s just go home…


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