Jesus and I Go to the Doctor

May 11, 2009 at 8:44 am (My Buddy Jesus) ()

Author’s note:  This is the second official Jesus Conversation and probably the main one that people complain about Jesus acting and sounding childish, or at least below me.  Not the intent of course, as I had just hoped to have some fun with the idea of Jesus being in a doctor’s office in the first place.  Basically, don’t read too much into it and just enjoy it for the silliness that it is.

 

So as I was talking to Jesus over the weekend I found out that he hadn’t been to the doctor for a check-up in a long, long time, if ever.  It was apparent that it was time to take him in, so I scheduled an appointment for him with my doctor, a Dr. Chang, so you know he’s good, (really my doctor).  Here’s what went down:

 

*Jesus and Chris wait patiently in the waiting room.  Chris is relaxed reading a Game Informer Magazine.  Jesus looks uncomfortable*

 

Chris:  You seem tense, how come?

 

Jesus:  What, me, stressed?  I think not.  I just don’t see the point of coming, I feel fine.

 

Chris:  You missed your flu shot and haven’t had a physical in a few millennia.

 

Jesus:  You haven’t had a physical since Kindergarten.

 

Chris:  Shut up, they’ll hear you!  *Ducks under his magazine*

 

Jesus:  They who?

 

Chris:  They know who they are…

 

Doctor’s assistant:  Mr. Christ, we’re ready to take a look at you now.

 

Jesus:  Chris, you gotta come with me!

 

Chris:  Fine fine, but only because you were nice enough to forgive all those sins and such.

 

*Jesus and Chris make their way to the back portion of the doctor’s office where they’ll supposedly see the doctor very shortly*

 

Doctor’s assistant:  Alright, we’ll need to check your weight Mr. Christ.  Could you please remove any heavy items in your pockets and stand of the scale.

 

Jesus:  *Reaches into his pockets and pulls out car keys, gum, a pen that says “Keep on Truckin” and a Scooby Doo wallet* That should about do it.  Oh wait…  *Takes off Batman belt-buckle*

 

Chris:  You’re gonna have to let me borrow that one of these days, you know.

 

Jesus:  Why don’t you just borrow Kyle’s NES Controller buckle?

 

Chris:  It doesn’t work with any of my belts.

 

Jesus:  You mean all both of them?

 

Chris:  …Yes.

 

Doctor’s assistant:  Okay and your weight comes to 170 lbs.

 

Chris:  That’s amazing, you do you stay that thin?

 

Jesus:  What’s really amazing is that she said lbs instead of pounds.

 

*They enter the examination room.  Jesus sits down on the table with the tissue paper on it*

 

Doctor’s assistant:  And now I need to take your temperature.  *Takes out thermometer*

 

Jesus:  *Opens his mouth* Ahh…..

 

Doctor’s assistant:  Guess again.

 

Jesus:  Um…  *bends over, starts to drop his pants*

 

Doctor’s assistant:  Okay, how about we guess once more…

 

Chris:  Hahaha…

 

Jesus:  You’re not helping.

 

Chris:  Heh, that kind of thermometer is for your ear.

 

Jesus:  Oh, right.

 

Doctor’s assistant:  And it looks like your temperature is normal.  That’s good.

 

Chris:  You can put your pants back on, you know.

 

Jesus:  I see no point.

 

Doctor’s assistant:  The doctor will be in shortly, so you might as well leave them off.

 

Jesus:  Hah, I win!  Wait…why would the doctor want to see me without my pants…?

 

Chris:  Oh you’ll see.

 

Doctor’s assistant:  Dr. Chang will be with you in just a moment.  *Leaves the room*

 

Chris:  *Picks up a book from the shelf*  “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.”  Sounds like a winner.

 

Jesus:  So what kind of things does the doctor do to me during a physical?

 

Chris:  Oh you know, the usual.  Checks your throat, your ears, your nose, and your…*mumbles*

 

Jesus:  What was that last part?

 

Chris:  “From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere…”

 

Jesus:  *Gets up off the table and sits down on the doctor’s chair* I always wanted a chair like this.  Why don’t they sell them to the general public?

 

Chris:  I don’t actually know.  You’d think they’d be a hot item.

 

Jesus:  *Starts rolling around the room* So why does the doctor have to take so long?  I want to get this over with.

 

  1. So…  If you like to go Bump! Bump! Just jump on the hump of the Wump of Gump.”

 

Jesus:  Hmm…another good question.

 

Dr. Chang:  Hello everyone, how are you all doing?  *Sees Jesus rolling around without pants* Oh, I can see that you’re busy.  Should I come back…?

 

Jesus:  No no, this if fine.  *Jumps back onto the table*

 

Dr. Chang:  All right then.  So Jesus, what brings you in today?

 

Jesus:  So you actually know who I am?  That’s a first.

 

Chris:  Leave it to the Chinese to get it right on the first try.

 

Dr. Chang:  Well hello Christopher.  Just stopping in to say hi or is your medication running low?

 

Chris:  Nah, I’m off the stuff so I’m fine.  *Still reading*  “I like to box.  How I like to box!  So, every day, I box a Gox.  In yellow socks I box my Gox.  I box in yellow Gox box socks.”

 

Dr. Chang:  Yes, I can see that you’re obviously fine…

 

Jesus:  Um, doctor, can we get back to me for just a second…?

 

Dr. Chang:  I’m terribly sorry, of course.  *Sits down on this chair and pulls out his stethoscope* Okay, first I’m going to listen to your heart.

 

Jesus:  That doesn’t sound too bad, all right.  *Dr. Chang checks Jesus’ heart for irregularity*

 

Dr. Chang:  Everything sounds normal.  Now let’s take a look at you nose and throat.  *Pulls out his little flashlight thingy…I don’t know what it’s called*

 

Dr. Chang:  It’s called an otoscope.

 

Chris:  Aha, thank you.

 

Jesus:  Impressive.  Usually I’m the only one who can hear his inner monologue.

 

Dr. Chang:  I did attend medical school for 10 years.  Also, I’m Chinese.

 

Chris:  I always did like the Chinese.  *Now where was I…oh right, Dr. Chang was pulling out his…otoscope…so that he could check on Jesus’ nose and throat*

 

Jesus:  Ahhh…  *Opens his mouth*

 

Dr. Chang:  Thank you.

 

Jesus:  Aha, got it right that time.

 

Dr. Chang:  Yep, everything looks okay.  Let’s test your reflexes.  *Pulls out his…* They’re just called medical reflex hammers.  *Yes thank you, his medical reflex hammer so that he can test Jesus’ reflexes*

 

Jesus:  What’s that for, doc?

 

Dr. Chang:  I’m going to lightly tap your elbows and knees to see if your reflexes are all right.  Um…you are aware that you’re hands have holes in them…right?

 

Jesus:  Yeah, they’ve been that way for a while.  You get used to ‘em.

 

Chris:  Freaks the heck out of nuns sometimes.

 

Jesus:  Good times.

 

Dr. Chang:  Your reflexes seem fine Jesus.  We’re almost done.  *Puts on medical gloves* Here comes the awkward part…

 

Jesus:  Why…what’s going on…?

 

Dr. Chang:  I need to make sure that you don’t have any male problems.

 

Jesus:  Chriiiis…what is he gonna do…?

 

Chris:  Just remember to turn your head and cough.

 

Jesus:  But I can just cough now, see?  Cough, cough!  COUGH!  Will that do it…?

 

Chris:  Ahem…

 

Jesus:  Wah!  Guess not!  Cough cough cough!

 

Chris:  Now that is something you don’t get to see every day…

 

Dr. Chang:  Everything feels normal.

 

Jesus:  *Frantically putting his pants back on* Darn right everything feels normal!  If you were curious then you should have asked!

 

Chris:  But then where’s the fun in all that?

 

Dr. Chang:  Come to think of it, you’re pretty overdue for your physical, Chris.

 

Chris:  Well, we’re done here.  Get your things, Jesus.  We gotta go.  Things to do, places to go, busy busy busy.  *Grabs Jesus*  Move it, move it…

 

Dr. Chang:  Wait a second Jesus.

 

Jesus:  What are you gonna grab now?

 

Dr. Chang:  You forgot to get your lollipop.

 

Jesus:  I get a lollipop?  Oh snap, that is sweet!  I love the doctor!

 

Chris:  Yeah just wait until you see the dentist next week.

 

Jesus:  I thought you had the dentist’s appointment next week.

 

Chris:  Shut up, shut up…

 

Dr. Chang:  Take care, now.

 

*Jesus and Chris leave the doctor’s office.  Jesus drives Chris home while sucking on his cherry lollipop*

 

Jesus:  You know if it weren’t for all the testicle grabbing, the doctor’s office would be pretty cool.

 

Chris:  Yes it would.  *Yawn* So what else in on the agenda for today?

 

Jesus:  Well, you’ve gotta work out some more before bed and start reading Frankenstein for class.

 

Chris:  Darn it, I saw the Wishbone episode, isn’t that enough?

 

Jesus:  No, that classic literature ain’t gonna appreciate itself.

 

Chris:  I’ve already appreciated my share of classical literature for the day.

 

Jesus:  “One Fish, Two Fish” is not considered classical literature.

 

Chris:  Hey, I also read “Go Dog Go” so get off my back.

 

Jesus:  I’ll make you a deal.  If you read at least half of the book by the end of break I’ll read to before you go to bed.

 

Chris:  Deal, but I get to pick the book.

 

Jesus:  No more Dr. Seuss.

 

Chris:  Yeah, I think we’re all pretty much done with doctors for the day.

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