The Heavenly Quiz Show

May 10, 2009 at 11:19 pm (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s note:  Here we have the first Jesus Conversation written with in a more normalized form where we can easily see which character is speaking, rather than just plain text for Chris, bold text for Jesus, and italicized text for Satan, though God keeps the bold text for this instance.  Also, I make a quick reference addressing an issue people have had with the conversations: That Jesus acts and sounds too childish and below me.  Not the point of the conversations at all, but I explain that Jesus only acts that way to make me feel better within the conversations.  Don’t read too much into it, and of course, enjoy!


The Heavenly Quiz Show:

God: Good evening mortal men. It is I, God, and I am here to test these three in a battle of wits. Our contestants for today will be Jesus, my only son,

Jesus: “Hello to you all. It’s good to be back.”

God: Satan, my fallen angel,

Satan: “You shall all bow before me someday! Mwahaha!”

God: And Chris…

Chris: “As if you expected someone else?”

God: The questions will begin easy and get progressively harder until I’ve become tired of this game and go create a new animal of some sort. Now, are we ready for the first question?

Jesus: “Yes we are.”

Chris: “I’m good to go.”

Satan: “I shall defeat you all!”

God: Okay, the first question: What sea did Noah part to free the Israelites?

Chris: *buzz* “That’d be the Red sea.”

Jesus: *buzz* “I think not Topher. Noah never parted any sea, he just floated on top of one. Moses parted the Red sea to free the Israelites. Booya!”

God: Correct, Jesus gets the first point. Next question: Who played the character “Captain Kirk” in the original Star Trek television show?

Jesus: *buzz* “William Shatner. *gives Chris the Star Trek sign* Live long and prosper, sucka.”

Chris: “You just wait, this game isn’t even close to being over.”

God: Jesus gets the next point as well. Third question: Who originally created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Chris: *buzz buzz buzz* “Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird!!!! Ha! Ha! In your face Jesus!”

God: I’m sorry, you’re incorrect, I created the Ninja Turtles.

Jesus: “Ha! Ha! Diss on Topher!”

Satan: “I could not answer! My buzzer is broken!”

God: Quiet you. Next question: If there are two trains heading towards Pheonix, Arizona and the first one leaves Houston, Texas at 3 pm traveling at a speed of 70 mph while the second train leaves Topeka, Kansas at 4 pm traveling at a speed of 85 mph, why should you care?

Satan: “Damn this math and its complexity!”

Chris: *buzz* “You care because your math teacher expects you to.”

God: No! You’re failing!

Jesus: *buzz* “Well, using my powers to see into the future I can clearly see that these two trains will collide in Salt Lake City, Utah at exactly 2:13 am on Monday, therefore you should care about the lives of the passengers traveling on those particular trains.”

God: That is correct. Jesus gets another point.

Chris: “You know…not all of us have super powers…”

God: Why do you complain Christopher?! I have given you your own unique set of abilities that include the power to fly! Why are you dissatisfied with this?!

Chris: “Oh I know that I’ve got my share of super abilities, thank you by the way, I’m just pointing out that Satan has no powers whatsoever, and a small penis.”

Satan: “RARG! I do not! I was in the pool! There was some shrinkage!”

God: Yes yes, we are all aware of Satan’s lack of powers and his small penis.

Satan: “RARG!!!”

God: No more wasting time, on to the next question: Why don’t astronauts actually drink Tang?

Jesus: *buzz* “They don’t actually drink Tang because they’re rich and rich people don’t drink Tang.”

Chris: -_- “You heard that from me…”

Jesus: “And you say I never listen.”

God: I grow tired of this very boring game. I should never have created it.

Chris: “That’s what you said about humans.”

God: SILENCE! …That is correct. Chris gets the point. This puts the score at Chris 1, Jesus 4.

Satan: “What of my points?”

God: You have nothing! Out of my sight! Away with you to Hell! *trap door opens under Satan*

Satan: “You haven’t heard the last of me!~”

God: Yes we have. Final question and worth quadruple points, making the rest of the game pointless: Am I a man or a woman?

Chris: …

Jesus: …

Chris: …

Jesus: …….Yes.

God: Yes! Jesus wins this round and eternal life…again!

Chris: “Wait a minute…yes…?”

God: Seeing as how you have double eternal life, please escort Christopher home and keep an eye out for him as usual.

Jesus: “Will do, as always. Hey, do I still have to act like a ditzy teenager and allow Topher to feel as if he’s not that stupid?”

God: Absolutely. Humans relate best to what they understand.

Jesus: “Good point. Okay Topher, let’s go.”

Chris: “Hey, while I’m here shouldn’t I ask your dad about the meaning of life?”

Jesus: “Trust me, it’s not as interesting as it’s built up to be.”

Chris: “I’d still like to know.”

God: Fine, I shall tell you. Now come here. *whispers into Chris’ ear*

Chris: “…Wow. I never knew that socks played that big of a role in the grand scheme of things.”

Jesus: “Just wait until you find out how burritos fit into it. Now come on and let’s go, I’m tired and you’re gonna wake up soon.”

Chris: “Wake up…?”

*Jesus smacks Chris in the head and he wakes up*

Chris: “Man…I need to stop watching Seinfeld before bed….”


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