The Early Jesus Conversations

May 10, 2009 at 10:54 pm (My Buddy Jesus) ()

*Author’s Note:  Collected here are the very first instances of the Jesus Conversations within my Myspace blog back in 2004-05.  They are rough and begin as small jokes but soon become something larger.  I’m offering these as a means of showing the progression of humor and style as my writing develops further.


The First Introduction of Jesus in a Blog:


As for my intense training, I’ve been taking a break seeing as how on Monday when I began, I may have overdone it so my whole body has been sore. Nevertheless, I’ve been continuing my nightly crunches. I’ve now been doing 100 before bed and starting yesterday night I went up to 150. I’m happy that they’re getting easier to do and I’m also happy that I can do more of them in a row without much trouble. My goal of getting abs is getting closer and closer to becoming a reality.  Still can’t remember why I wanted those abs in the first place though…


“I remember,” says Jesus. “You wanted abs because you found out that…”


Yes Jesus, thank you for reminding me about that.




The First Jesus Conversation:


Here I find myself again at one of those forks in the road of life. I am looking down two roads, one of which seems to be filled with happiness and comfort and at the end is a shining light that calls me forth. The other road is dark and lonely and just continues on forever and ever and connects to my current road. There is no light waiting for me at the end of this road. So why the heck did I take it again? I couldn’t tell you honestly because I don’t know. Doing the right thing is not easy by any means, and this time was by far the hardest and most unfair test that I’ve ever been put thru thus far


“So Jesus, I’ve got a question,” I say towards Jesus.


“Okay Topher, what do you want to know?” he responds.


“Why am I so foolish Jesus?”


“Because, you know what has to be done. You see the whole picture instead of just small parts of it. You understand that you’re going to have to give up your small chance at happiness for the greater good…again.”


“Darn, I knew you’d say that.”


“Then why did you ask?”


“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m just looking for some comfort from the holy spirit I guess. All I have to say is, there had better be some darn good karmic retribution for this selfless act…”


“Oh my, it’s so terrible that you had to be selfless again, isn’t it? At least you didn’t have to get horse whipped and tacked onto a chunk of wood as your selfless act.”


“Why do I even try and compete with you when it comes to these things…?”


And so, I pack my things and begin walking down the path that I’ve choose for myself again, constantly wandering and wondering all at the same time, endlessly looking for the path leading over to the brightly lit road and once again not finding it.




A Conversation About Dating:


So February 14th is quickly sneaking up on me again. I have no plans for that dreaded day, as is to be expected and has been expected for the past 18 years of my life. Every day it’s the same thing, the same responses from people who are trying to help me feel better about it all. “There are plenty of fish in the sea.” That’s fine and dandy but I’m not searching for a prize to be won, I’m searching for someone important in my life. “High school relationships never work anyway. The single life is much better at this age.” How am I supposed to make that comparison? It’s like me going ice skating and saying, “Man, this ice skating is pretty good. I’m sure that it’s much better than riding a motorcycle, even though I’ve never ridden a motorcycle in my life. Oh well, that’s what people tell me anyway.” That makes no sense. I hear about high school relationships being meaningless but yet there are quite a few people in the world who did find their one true love in high school.


This seems like one of those problems to call Jesus in for a little talk.




“What? I’m standing right next to you.”


“How do you do that?”


“I’m Jesus, I’m everywhere. What’s your question?”


“What do I do about being lonely?”


“Hmm…that’s a tough one to answer.”


“Why can’t I find anyone worth my time who will actually give me a chance?”




“Jesus, I’m a good guy, right? I do what’s right and follow the rules. Shouldn’t I be allowed love based upon my character?”


“You’re listening to that Middle Ages dating thing, aren’t you?”


“So what if I am?”


“Trust me, never take any advice out of the Middle Ages if you can help it. No good occured in that time. It’s called The Dark Ages for a reason you know.”


“Regardless, since I’m a good person shouldn’t I be rewarded by God’s grace and find hapiness?”


“I don’t know, do you think I found a whole lot of happiness and women in my life of being a good guy?”


“I would assume so. You could turn water into wine, the women must have been all over you.”


“Nope, I never had a single date in my entire life.”


“I’m sure you had one. What about Mary Magdalene?”


“Oh you mean Mags? Nope, we were close but we never went on a single date together.”


“Didn’t you ever ask her?”


“Well yeah but she was always busy and such and I was always being asked to perform miracles, so we had hardly any time that we could have dated anyway.”


“So you did ask her?”


“Yes, once.”


“And what did she tell you?”


“You know, typical female stuff when they really don’t have any interest in you at all. Something about ‘friend chemistry’ or something along those lines. you know, rejection lines that don’t actually reject you but get the message accross.”


“Ah man, I hate those.”


“Me too Topher, me too.”


“…Wanna go play ping-pong?”


“…Yeah alright.




The Conversations Become More Frantic:


“Jesus, talk time, now!”


“You sure are pushy today.”


“Don’t get smart with me today, I’m not in the mood.”


“You’re never in the mood. You need to relax a bit.”


“I need some advice…again. What should I do about this darn single life?”


“We’ve established that you’re on your own there. I wasn’t much for dating and I was much happier because of it.”


“Still, why can’t I find anyone?”


“Because you just haven’t yet.”


“What kind of answer is that?! Help me here!”


“I can’t help you with this, I’ve told you that.”


“Some double standard you’ve set. If I turn my back on you, I go to Hell, but if you turn your back on me, I just have to deal with it. That’s just not fair.”


“You know what one of your problems is? You’re too selfish, always wanting something for you you you. Why don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself?”


“That is not true and you know it! I care about the people who are important to me more than I care about my own health and well being.”


“But you don’t do it without asking for something in return.”


“I’ve earned the right to be a little self centered though. I’ve spent my life doing what others wanted me to do and never asked for anything in return. Why can’t I want something for myself now?”


“Because, unfortunately as the life of the faithful goes, you will always have to sacrifice your own happiness for the greater good, every single time, for the rest of your life. Sorry, that’s just the way it goes.”


“Can you at least give me some good news?”


“Just hang in there…forever and ever and ever…”


“Fine, I give up. What point do I have now?”


“How am I supposed to know? I only know as much as you do seeing as how you’re the one writting what I say.”


“Darn, there’s always a catch…”


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