My Buddy Jesus

May 10, 2009 at 10:11 pm (My Buddy Jesus) (, )

*Author’s note:  Keep in mind that this is the beginnings of the basis for the rest of the Jesus Conversations to come and should be viewed entirely as a pilot for a series, getting retooled by the second episode.  Until then, enjoy!

 

My Buddy Jesus

By Chris Pranger

Characters: 

 

Chris:  Main character.  Very average guy with a dry sense of humor.  Wants to be a decent individual and has good morals for the most part, although he can be tempted into doing most things with little effort.

 

Ronald:  Chris’s best friend.  Ron is a complete jerk who likes to womanize and live a life of immorality.  Not very bright and misses almost all of Chris’s humor.  Not actually very good with women.

 

Jesus:  The savior of the world and Chris’s new best friend.  He speaks with many hand gestures and is very wise, although acts very innocent.  He understands Chris extremely well.

 

Satan:  Acts very powerful but in all honesty isn’t.  Tries to sound like he has a fancy accent and attempts to be cleaver, although is usually unable to pull off the task perfectly.  Hates Jesus and tries to prove him wrong whenever he gets the chance.

 

Lois:  Chris’s faithful girlfriend.  She is a very sweet and loving girl and is also very bright.  She and Chris understand each other very well but recently she has been wanting more in there relationship; namely sex, although Chris does not want to go that far.  She isn’t actually immoral but her best friend has been convincing her to go in that direction with Chris.

 

Jesse:  Lois’ best friend and a complete whore.  She and Ron have had sex and it is known pretty well early on, although they are no longer together.  She and Lois get along well but Jesse doesn’t respect her opinions as much as she should.  Jesse is trying to convince Lois to have sex with Chris as soon as possible even though Lois would rather not.  Jesse is not a slow character and isn’t stupid but has little to no morals.

 

Scene 1

 

Setting:  Standard house setting.  There is a couch in center stage sitting in front of a TV.  An Xbox is hooked up to it. There is also a chair by the couch along with a small coffee table.  On stage left is a refrigerator and a table/counter, (depending on what can be built), with a phone sitting on it and stools around it.  Next to the fridge is a door to a “pantry”.  Chris is sitting on the couch with a cordless phone playing Xbox.

 

Chris:  (Talking on the phone with Ron).  Yeah Ron, things are goin’ pretty good between me n’ Lois.  Tomorrow is our one-year anniversary and I’m planning something special for her.

 

Ron:  (Voice over from the phone).  Sounds like you two are really hittin’ it off well.

 

Chris:  Considering that we’ve been together for a year, yeah I’d say we’re hitting it off.

 

Ron:  Oh…yeah right.  So what do you plan to do for her?

 

Chris:  I haven’t decided yet.  Something romantic and unexpected.

 

Ron:  Well, your parents are out of town for the weekend…  Hey, have you guys made out yet?

 

Chris:  You could say that, although I’d rather not refer to it as “making out.”  We’ve kissed.

 

Ron:  Very good, very good.  You give her the ol’ stiff negotiator yet?

 

Chris:  The what?

 

Ron:  Has she signed your John Hancock?

 

Chris:  I’m not following you Ron.

 

Ron:  You guys done it yet?

 

Chris:  Oh.  Nope, and I don’t have any plans to.  I’m not into that kinda thing.

 

Ron:  You’ve got a penis; you’re into that kinda thing.

 

Chris:  (Stands up and starts walking over towards the kitchen).  I’ll have you know that I pride myself in being the only man who isn’t in it for sex.

 

Ron:  Yes, you are the only man who isn’t in it for sex, which doesn’t make you much of a man.

 

Chris:  I don’t see you with a girlfriend.

 

Ron:  That’s because I’m in a transitional period.  I’ve got more ladies calling me than I can handle.

 

Chris:  Then why are you on the phone with me?

 

Ron:  ‘Cause I’ve got my secretary answering my phones.  And furthermore, shut up.

 

Chris:  Ooh, zing.

 

Ron:  Hey, at least I’ve done the one-eyed winky walk before.

 

Chris:  Hey, I’m proud of the fact that I’m still pure.  I’m saving myself until marriage and no one, especially not you, is gonna tell me otherwise.

 

Ron:  What if Lois asked you to do it?

 

Chris:  Oh well of course.  But I’m not going to initiate it; I’ve still got some morals.  Unlike you I still believe in God.

 

Ron:  Pff, you and your God.  You’re as bad as those people who’re always searching for Jesus.  “Have you found Jesus yet?”  Good God, give me a friggin’ break.

 

Chris:  Meh.  (Looks at his watch).  Well Ron, I should get going.  I’ve got stuff to do.  Why don’t you come over early tomorrow?

 

Ron:  Sure sure.  I’ll be over around noon to talk more about your anniversary surprise.  In the mean time, keep looking for Jesus.

 

Chris:  Ha ha.  Jackass.  (Hangs up.  Walks towards the pantry in search of food).  Sure, keep looking for Jesus.  Ooh, is he in the fridge?  Nope.  Is he under the couch?  Nope.  (Opens the pantry.  Jesus is standing in the doorway smiling).

 

Jesus:  Hey there Chris!

 

Chris:  Jesus Christ he’s in the pantry.

 

Jesus:  That was a bit redundant.  So, you gonna invite me in or am I going to have to keep standing in the pantry?

 

Chris:  Sure why not?  Come on in, take a seat.

 

Jesus:  Why thank you.  (Walks over to the couch).

 

Chris:  Um, not to sound rude or anything but…why are you in my house?

 

Jesus:  I am here to keep you from having sex.

 

Chris:  I thought that was the Catholic Church’s job.

 

Jesus:  It is but they suck.  Anyhoo, I’m getting the feeling that although you want to remain a good, moral gentleman, you’ve been tempted to partake in the most carnal of all sins.

 

Chris:  Well…kinda.  I mean, tomorrow is Lois’ and my one-year anniversary and…

 

Jesus:  Yeah yeah, you mentioned that already.  I’m very aware that anniversaries are the most likely time for “gettin’ it on” as you teenagers call it now a days and although you seem to be a better human than most you are still just that: a human, therefore you’re prone to give in and I am here to make sure that you don’t.

 

Chris:  How do you plan on doing that?

 

Jesus:  Moral support mostly.  I’ll be here until your parents get back tomorrow night.

 

Chris:  Well while you’re here, what d’you wanna do?

 

Jesus:  It’s past 10:30, so I suggest you just try to get some sleep for the big day tomorrow.

 

Chris:  Sounds fair.  You can sleep in my room; I’ll sleep on the couch.

 

Jesus:  Okay then.  I’ll see you in the morning.  (Lights fade to black.  Scene ends).

 

 

Scene 2

 

Setting:  Jesus is off stage left while Chris is resting on the couch.  He cannot sleep and so he begins to mumble to himself.

 

Chris:  Of all the people that Jesus could show up for why did he decide to come here?  There are plenty of other people who would benefit from his guidance.  People such as Ron, or Pat Robertson.  He must know something that I don’t.  Lois is too good of a girl to want sex, so Jesus is really just wasting his time.  (The phone rings).  Who in the world is calling this late at night?  (Picks up the phone).  Hello?

 

Lois:  (Via voice-over).  Hey handsome.  I took a gamble and wagered that you were still up at this hour.

 

Chris:  You would have bet right Lois.  What’s on your mind?

 

Lois:  Oh not much really.  I couldn’t sleep either.  I’m too excited about tomorrow.  You up for the same reason?

 

Chris:  In more ways than one.

 

Lois:  What?

 

Chris:  So I met Jesus yesterday.  He’s sleeping in my bed.

 

Lois:  Did you now?

 

Chris:  Oh yes.  I’m on the couch.  I’d sleep in my parent’s room since they’re out of town but that’d just be weird.

 

Lois:  So you’re all alone in the house?

 

Chris:  ‘Cept for Jesus.

 

Lois:  I’m on the phone in the basement so that I don’t wake up my parents.

 

Chris:  Always a smart idea.

 

Lois:  Yep.  I could get in a lot of trouble if they caught me.

 

Chris:  Yes you could.

 

Lois:  Then again there are worse things that I could be doing right now…

 

Chris:  Such as…?

 

Lois:  Well…we could try something a bit risky…

 

Chris:  Something like…?

 

Lois:  Ever heard of phone sex?

 

Chris:  (Getting up suddenly).  …I’m listening.

 

Lois:  What say we give it a try?

 

Chris:  (Looks over towards stage right).  Ohhh-kay.  I think I’ll let you start us off though.  (Lois starts giggling).  This should be interesting…  (Lights fade to black.  Scene ends).

 

 

Scene 3

 

Setting:  Chris is still on the couch while Jesus is still sleeping off stage left.  Lois is making some interesting noises at this point.  Chris on the other hand is playing Halo while eating macaroni and cheese.

 

Lois:  (Noises).  Chris, say my name…

 

Chris:  Um…Lois?

 

Lois:  (Noises).  Make noises for me…

 

Chris:  Um…(makes chicken noise).

 

Lois:  What the heck was that?

 

Chris:  I was…choking my chicken…?

 

Lois:  (More noises).

 

Chris:  (Begins standing up while playing Halo).  Uh…uh…UH…KABLAM!  (Throws controller).  Master chief, you have done it again!

 

Lois:  Chris, what was that all about?

 

Chris:  Um…I’m done.

 

Lois:  Hmm…that was a new experience.  What did you think of it?

 

Chris:  Took me to a new level.

 

Lois:  Well I’m tired, so I think I’m gonna go to bed.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow though.  I can’t wait to find out what the surprise is!  Night.

 

Chris:  Night.  (Hangs up phone.  Walks into the kitchen with his mac and cheese and sits down at the counter).

 

Jesus:  (After being woken up by Chris he walks into the kitchen from stage left and sits down at the counter).  So, who was that?

 

Chris:  Lois.  She couldn’t sleep.

 

Jesus:  (Gets a big smile on his face).  You were havin’ phone sex weren’t you?

 

Chris:  No, I was eating macaroni while playing Xbox.  She was having all the fun apparently.

 

Jesus:  It always starts small and then temptation takes over.  You want that?

 

Chris:  No of course not.

 

(Knock at the pantry door).

 

Chris:  Why is there a knock coming from the pantry?

 

Jesus:  I don’t know.  I didn’t invite anyone over.

 

Chris:  (Goes over to the pantry door and opens it.  Satan is waiting in the doorway).

 

Satan:  Well hello Christopher, Jesus.  What a fine evening this is to meddle in the emotions of mortals, wouldn’t you say?

 

Jesus:  No surprise to see you here Satan.

 

Satan:  Uh!  You suspect me of trying to convince Chris to perform certain acts of sin?

 

Jesus:  Yes.

 

Satan:  I’m hurt Jesus.  You used to be more trusting.  I just came to say hello to my good friends.

 

Chris:  (Offering Satan some food).  Want some mac n’ cheese?

 

Satan:  Oh no, I’m lactose intolerant.

 

Jesus:  I think you should leave.

 

Satan:  Sorry but this is Chris’ house and he seems to have welcomed me in with open arms.

 

Chris:  I offered you some mac and cheese.  Don’t read too much into it.

 

Satan:  Well as long as I’m here I think I’ll stay around for a while.  You know, keep an eye on you and all.

 

Jesus:  Fine, but you have to sleep on the floor.

 

Satan:  Deal.

 

Chris:  I need to get more sleep…  (Curtains close.  Scene ends).

 

 

Scene 4

 

Setting:  Curtains are closed.  Lois and Jesse are walking in front of them on their way to Chris’ house.  Lois is dressed nicely.  They enter from stage left.

 

Lois:  Jess, thanks for coming along with me.

 

Jesse:  No problem Lois, what’re best friends for?

 

Lois:  I just needed someone to talk to before I go over to Chris’.  As you know, today is our one-year anniversary and he said he had something special planned for me.  What if it’s…?

 

Jesse:  Sex?  Then go for it sister.

 

Lois:  But I don’t know…I just don’t think I’m ready for that kind of jump yet.

 

Jesse:  Didn’t you say you had phone sex with him last night?

 

Lois:  It was a test.  I didn’t actually do anything, I just wanted to see what he’d do and he did it…for 4 straight hours.

 

Jesse:  Wow, now that’s stamina.

 

Lois:  That’s not the point Jess; this means that he’d be willing to go all the way!

 

Jesse:  What’s the big deal?  I’ve been with my share of guys; you should really try it sometime.  Chris wants sex and he deserves it from you.

 

Lois:  I just don’t know…

 

Jesse:  Lois, stop being such a prude and accept his offer.  You can’t do any better at this point.  You’re gonna lose this man if you don’t give him some action.  He’s been good to you for this long.  You owe it to him.

 

Lois:  Well…a…all right.  If you say so…  (Jesse and Lois walk off stage right.  Scene ends.  Curtains open).

 

 

 

Scene 5

 

Setting:  Jesus and Satan are sitting at the table in the kitchen while playing cards.  Chris is off stage left getting dressed).

 

Jesus:  Got any 7’s?

 

Satan:  Bah!  (Throws a card at Jesus).  Got any 6’s?

 

Jesus:  Go fish.

 

Satan:  Bah!  (Throws his cards).  I’m sick of this game.  Where’s Chris?

 

Jesus:  He’s getting ready for his anniversary date with Lois.

 

Satan:  Oh right.  Haha, this should be a good show to watch when I win this bet.

 

Jesus:  Forget you.  Chris’ a good guy, this bet is over and I already won.

 

Satan:  Oh really?  Then why did you see it fit to come all the way down from Heaven to ensure that he stayed away from sex?

 

Jesus:  I needed a good excuse to come back again.

 

Satan:  What, Bush winning re-election after talking with you wasn’t enough?

 

Jesus:  I said a good excuse.  In any case Chris should be ready right about now.

 

Satan:  (Chris walks in from stage left dressed nicely.  Sits down on the couch).  How do you always do that Jesus?

 

Jesus:  I’m Jesus, what’d you expect?

 

Chris:  Where the heck is Ron?  He was supposed to be here hours ago to help me plan.  Now I’ve got nothing for Lois and she’ll be here any time.  (Knock at the room from off right stage).  Who’s that?  Come in!

 

Ron:  (Walks in from stage right).  Chris, sorry I’m late but I forgot.

 

Chris:  Good for you.

 

Ron:  Hey now, don’t worry I’ve got just the plan for you.  (Pulls out a condom and gives it to Chris).

 

Chris:  Ron…

 

Ron:  See, they’re ribbed for her pleasure.

 

Chris:  I’ve already told you, I’m not that kind of guy.

 

Jesus:  Ha!  (Laughs at Satan).

 

Ron:  But you also said that if she asked you then you’d do it.

 

Satan:  Ha!  (Laughs at Jesus).

 

Chris:  (Knock at the door).  Crap, that must be Lois, unless you guys invited another one of your friends…  (Looks towards Jesus and Satan).

 

Jesus:  I told you last night, Buddha was the only one we invited, I swear.

 

Chris: Yeah, and he cleaned out the fridge…  (Goes off stage right and comes back with Lois and Jesse).  Hey Lois!  Right on time as usual.

 

Lois:  Well, you know me.  I hope you didn’t mind that I brought Jesse along.

 

Chris:  Not at all.

 

Jesse:  Hey Chris.  (Sees Ron).  Oh, I didn’t know that he’d be here too.

 

Ron:  Well if it isn’t my old fling Ms. Jesse.

 

Jesse:  Ug, Ron, I just want to get through this dinner so if you could just not talk to me or bring up our history then that’d be just fine.

 

Ron:  Our history?  Oh, you mean how we did the good dance on the bad foot?

 

Jesus and Satan:  WHOOOOA!

 

Jesse:  Ron…shut up…

 

Lois:  (Looks towards Jesus and Satan).  Chris, who’re they?

 

Chris:  Those guys are the caterers.

 

Jesse:  I don’t see any food.

 

Chris:  They’re not very good caterers.  (Goes over to Jesus).  How fast can you get dinner ready?

 

Jesus:  Give me five minutes.

 

Chris:  (To the others).  Good!  Then let’s sit down and start!  (Fades to black.  Scene ends).

 

 

Scene 6

 

Setting:  Chris, Ron, Lois, and Jesse are all at the table and talking after finishing their meal. Ron is next to Chris and Jesse is next to Lois.  Jesus and Satan are in the living room playing DDR on the Xbox.

 

Chris:  So I says to the guy this is obviously a Pierre Della Francesca.

 

All:  (Laugh).

 

Lois:  Oh Chris, you crack me up sometimes.

 

Ron:  (To Chris).  That means she wants to you to fertilize her eggs.

 

Chris:  (Chris spits out his drink).  Aha, ha.  Well, now that dinner’s over what say we watch a movie?

 

Jesse:  (To Lois).  That means he wants to put the moves on you.

 

Lois:  (Starts choking on her food).  Nah, I’m not in much of a movie mood.

 

Chris:  Well then how about-

 

Ron:  (Interrupting him).  How about Jesse and I leave these two alone so that they can talk?

 

Jesse:  For once Ron that’s not a bad idea.  (Ron and Jesse get up from the table and walk over to the living room).

 

Lois:  (Chris and Lois look at each other and awkwardly laugh).  Well, here we are after one year.

 

Chris:  Yep, one year and things have never been better.

 

Lois:  You know what would make this night even better?

 

Chris:  Scrabble?

 

Lois:  Close, but I was gonna say…(Whispers into Chris’ ear.  Chris nearly passes out).  I’ll be waiting…  (Walks off stage left).

 

Chris:  Hey yo, Heysuess!  Come ‘ere!

 

Jesus:  (Walks over to Chris).  What’s up Chris?

 

Chris:  Lois is in my bedroom right now.

 

Jesus:  Is she putting on make-up?

 

Chris:  No, I do believe she’s taking off clothes.

 

Jesus:  Aha, I see.

 

Chris:  How do I tell her no?

 

Jesus:  (Grasps Chris and sternly talks to him).  Chris, you’re gonna march in that room with your head held high and you’re gonna say to her “Lois, I love you and I hope you understand that I care too much about you to do this and that I’m not ready for this step in our relationship.”

 

Chris:  All right…

 

Jesus:  Say it!

 

Chris:  Lois I love you and-

 

Jesus:  Louder!

 

Chris:  LOIS I LOVE YOU AND-

 

Jesus:  Head high, chest out, morals in check!  Now, go in there and don’t make her a woman!

 

Chris:  Okay!  (Marches off stage left.  We can hear Chris from off stage).  Lois, I love you and-  (A bra flies on from stage left.  We can still hear Chris from off stage).  Jesus Christ!

 

Jesus:  I thought I heard my name.

 

Chris:  (Marches back on from stage left).  Jesus…

 

Jesus:  So, how’d it go?

 

Chris:  She’s very persistent.

 

Ron:  Whoa!  Looks like the two lovebirds are peckin’ and scratchin’!

 

Jesse:  Oh wow, Lois is actually taking my advice on this one.

 

Satan:  I’m about to win my bet!  Oh glorious day!

 

Chris:  (Finally losing it).  Dammit all of you shut up!  Let me make one thing clear!  I love Lois and because I love her I can’t do anything that could ruin her future and I don’t give a damn what you guys think about it but I’m a virgin and I’m gonna stay one and she’s gonna stay one and I’m hella proud of it!  Any questions?!

 

Jesus:  Not phrased exactly how I’d have liked it but okay nonetheless.

 

Lois:  (Comes in from stage left fully clothed).  Chris…I didn’t know you felt this way…

 

Chris:  (Goes over to Lois and holds her).  Lois, I care too much about you to do anything that you might end up regretting later on.  I don’t want us to become another Ron and Jesse.

 

Lois: Chris, I wish you’d have said something sooner.  I didn’t want sex from you; I just wanted to make you happy.

 

Chris:  Lois, no one can make me happier than you can.  (Lois and Chris kiss).

 

Satan:  AHA!  They kissed, that counts!

 

Jesus:  Be gone with you wicked one; you know how this ends now.  Just leave before I kick your tail back to Hell!

 

Satan:  I’m goin’, I’m goin’.  (Walks back into the pantry.  Turns back and waits for Jesus).  Are you coming?

 

Jesus:  Yes yes, just give me a second.  (Walks over to Chris).  Chris, I’m proud of you.  You did the right thing and a long, happy relationship is in your future.

 

Chris:  Thanks Jesus.  Are you gonna come visit now and then?

 

Jesus:  Of course.  How about Sunday?

 

Chris:  Sounds good to me.

 

Jesus:  You take care now.  And you too Lois.  And even you guys Ron and Jesse.  Maybe if you shape up a bit I’ll come visit you too.

 

Ron:  (To Jesse).  Why is the caterer saying goodbye and walking into the pantry?

 

Jesse:  I think it’s a union thing.

 

Satan:  Come on, I haven’t got all day…

 

Jesus:  See you around.  (Walks into the pantry and shuts the door).

 

Ron:  Well, I guess it’s time we hit the old dusty trail.  (Grabs Jesse).  Come on Jess; let’s leave these two to each other.

 

Jess:  Couldn’t ‘ave said it better myself.  (Walks off stage right with Ron).

 

Lois:  So Chris, if sex wasn’t the surprise that you had for me, what was it?

 

Chris:  (Walks over to the couch and pulls out a box from under it).  I finally got…Halo 2!

 

Lois:  (Freaks out with excitement and leaps into Chris’ arms and kisses him.  End play).

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