The Exciting Origins of Uberman

May 7, 2009 at 3:59 am (Uberman) ()

The Exciting Origins of Uberman


Debra Trenton:  (As the scheduled commercial break ends, Debra Trenton appears back on the screen, still giddy and excited to have Uberman talking to her in a worldwide exclusive, despite the news that he’s given regarding his short lifespan).  Welcome back.  I’m still here with the world-famous Uberman.


Uberman:  (Somewhat smiles and gives a shy wave).  Hi.  Didn’t leave.


Debra:  So Uberman, you’ve been in the business for over 70 years, correct?


Uberman:  Technically yes, my career began about three and a half decades ago.


Debra:  Although you became instantly popular, few actually know the story behind your life previous to making yourself publicly known.


Uberman:  Naturally, very few people would know this story; that is true.


Debra:  (Feeling embarrassed).  I’m quite sorry.


Uberman:  (Not really understanding her embarrassment).  No, that’s fine.


Debra:  Will you please tell us tonight about your childhood?  About the boy before you became a man?


Uberman:  Certainly.


-The wavy, memory-remembering lines overtake the screen, shifting the scene from the small, stuffy news studio, to the vastness of outer space.


Uberman:  (Voice over).  I wouldn’t say that my origin is anything special, but a few of my friends have disagreed with me.  I was not born on Earth.  I was born in outer space.


-As the stars move across the screen, a space station comes into view as the camera zooms in on it.


Uberman:  (VO).  My parents were both members of NASA.  No one that the world would remember, but good people nonetheless.


-Two individuals walk into the scene from another room in the space station.  One is a tall, fit man with streaking blonde hair and a beaming smile.  He looks very much like a stereotypical rich white guy.  The other is a lovely dark-haired woman wearing glasses and high heels, even though she is also wearing her standard issue NASA uniform.


Uberman:  (VO).  They met randomly in a few flight simulations and as fate would have it, they were both stationed on the same space station orbiting Earth.  From there on out, they fell in love, got married, and eventually…(Cough)…I was born.


-The female astronaut is in labor with only the male astronaut there to assist in the delivery.  Her screaming can be heard even as the scene pans out and shows a long shot of the space station.  Finally, she is seen holding a baby boy wrapped in a towel while the male astronaut sits quietly by.


Uberman:  (Back in the studio).  Unfortunately, I never got a chance to learn either of their names.


Debra:  Did you check for any records of them working at NASA?


Uberman:  Yes, and there are no records of anyone like them ever being stationed in Earth’s orbit.


Debra:  How do you know all of this then?


Uberman:  That’s more of a story to be told later.  But anyway, back to outer space.


-Once more on the scene with the new mother cradling her oblivious baby.


Uberman:  (VO).  Of course, as could be expected with a story such as this, their happiness would be extremely short lived.


-As the female astronaut is rocking her baby back and forth, a siren starts blaring and red lights begin flashing all over.  She goes into panic mode along with the male.  The baby starts crying.


Uberman:  (VO).  As fate would have it, their space station had drifted into a meteor shower caused from a freak occurrence.  (Scene plays out as Uberman is explaining it).  The whole reason that they were in space to begin with was to observe the passing of two larger meteors coming from the distant reaches of space.  Statistically, the meteors were scheduled to come within range of passing during September.  Two months later, they finally showed up completely unexpectedly.  Instead of passing harmlessly, the moon had grabbed hold of them and swung them around, forcing them to collide with one another.  As unfortunate as it could get, the angle of the collision forced the meteors to shatter and spray the space station directly.


Debra:  (VO).  I remember hearing about that.  That was a terrible incident.


Uberman:  (VO).  I can guarantee that you heard nothing about this since it happened over 80 years ago and NASA did a fantastic job of covering it up.


Debra:  (VO).  Oh, I’m so sorry…


Uberman:  (VO).  No it’s alright.  You’re probably thinking of the deadly meteor shower that occurred in either ’ 73, ’75, ’84, ’98, or all throughout ’07.  But luckily none of those were as bad as the one I’m talking about.  As the space station was showered, my parents figured they had no chance of survival.  I can’t even imagine what was going through their heads though, seeing as how I’ve never really experienced panic in the traditional sense of the word.  Before the entire space station was torn apart, they loaded me into the only escape pod and said goodbye.  In retrospect, it baffles me why there would only be a single escape pod in the entire space station.  Even more baffling would be why said escape pod couldn’t fit more than a newborn baby.  But since I didn’t have any say in the matter, I was stuffed into the escape pod wrapped only in a towel and fired away from the exploding craft.


Debra:  (VO).  Did your parents say anything to you before they sent you away?


Uberman:  (VO).  I’m sure they did, but I was only about 8 minutes old, so forgive me but my memory is somewhat hazy.


Debra:  (VO).  Oh my…yes, I’m sorry.


Uberman:  (VO).  Trust me, it is okay.  For now, we’ll just assume that they said “I love you” and sent me on my way.  (The scene is still unfolding as Uberman is describing it).  Once the escape pod was launched, the space station was utterly destroyed.  Lucky for me though, it shielded my tiny craft from getting caught by any stray meteors.  I’m unsure of exactly what took place in between my birth and my landing on Earth, but something had happened that made me…well more than human.  I will never be able to fully explain it, but as far as I can gather the change occurred due to a combination of multiple things.  Partly due to the way that the meteor shards reflected the sun’s light onto my capsule, partly due to my entering Earth’s atmosphere in such a way that is much advised against.


Debra:  (VO).  And what way is that?


Uberman:  (VO).  Straight on.


Debra:  (VO).  (Gasp).  However did you survive?


Uberman:  (VO).  Like I said, I don’t really know.  By all accounts I should have died.  My friends are still split on what they feel.  One said it was God’s will.  Another one thought that maybe I ripped through the Aurora Borealis on my decent.  Yet another said that my mother placed a powerful jinx upon me made from love and that, in turn, saved my life.  I thought his theory was the stupidest.  One friend claimed it was pure dumb luck, and I think I agree with him most out of everyone.  But regardless of how, I lived and that is why I am standing here today.


Debra:  (VO).  That is truly amazing!


Uberman:  (VO).  I was just along for the ride.  I don’t like getting credit for things that I didn’t actually do.  (The capsule flies through Earth’s atmosphere and roars across the sky above mountains and trees).  I think the most fortunate of all of this was what happened next.  I crashed.  (Boom, capsule crashes in a field).


Debra:  (VO).  My goodness!


Uberman:  (VO).  Yep, I died.


Debra:  (VO).  (Bigger gasp).


Uberman:  (VO).  Hahaha, no, not really, I’m just kidding.  I was fine.  Shortly after I landed, the owners of the field came out of their house to investigate.


Man:  (The scene shifts to the front porch of a country home.  A man with a shotgun is rocking back and forth on the wooden porch when he hears the boom from the cornfield.  He instantly hops up).  Dang nabit!  What the hell was that?


Woman:  (Runs out of the house, the screen door falls off its hinges as she pushes it open.  She’s carrying a frying pan as a weapon).   Did you hear that Jonathon?


Jonathon:  Yes I did Marie, and I don’t like it one bit.  (Cocks his shotgun).


Marie:  Should we go check it out?


Jonathon:  Well of course we should.  Something just fell out of the sky and set our field on fire, I’d think we should probably go see what it is!


Marie:  You do not have to get mad with me!  I wasn’t the one who did it!


Jonathon:  Of course you weren’t!  But…oh, come on.  (The two trudge out into the field and see the trench that’s been newly dug).  Dang thing plowed right through the arrogation.


Marie:  At least it didn’t hit the house.  Be thankful.


Jonathon:  Luck is nothing to be thankful for.  (They follow the trench until they come to the space capsule, which is on fire).  What in the world is this thing?


Marie:  Oh my!  (Gets excited).  It’s aliens!


Jonathon:  Why in the world would they be hopping the border by flinging fire crafts?!


Marie:  Space aliens, not illegal aliens you bigot!


Jonathon:  That’s absurd!


Marie:  You’re absurd!


Jonathon:  Well whatever this thing is it’s on my land and now I own it.


Marie:  We own it.


Jonathon:  (Sighs).  Right, for richer or poorer…


Marie:  ‘Til death do us part.


Jonathon:  (Looks down at the shotgun and considers pulling the trigger).


Marie:  Well go ahead.  Open the thing!  (Really excited).


Jonathon:  (Kicks the capsule).


Marie:  (Freaks out).  AH!  Don’t do that!  You’ll make the space men angry!


Jonathon:  There are no space men!  (The escape pod opens).  Ah crap!  A space man!  (Points his shotgun at the baby in the pod).


Marie:  It’s a Martian!  (Kneels down at the pod).  We come in peace space lords.  (Bows).


Jonathon:  Get up!  It’s just a baby.  (Puts down his shotgun and picks up the baby).  Huh, who would send a baby in a spacecraft?


Marie:  (States obviously).  Aliens.  (Takes the baby from Jonathon as he rolls his eyes).  Oh, it’s so precious.


Jonathon:  Is it a boy or a girl?


Marie:  How should I know the difference between the alien genders?  (Looks under the towel).  Oh my.  (Blushes and smiles).  He’s a boy.  Well, unless the alien species have reversed genders or tentacles or something.


Jonathon:  He’s not a space alien Marie!


Marie:  (Nuzzles the baby).  Ah, he’s adorable.  We should adopt him.


Jonathon:  What?  I thought it was a Godsend when we found out we couldn’t have any kids.


Marie:  And now it’s a Godsend that he’s here.


Jonathon:  I’m too old and angry to have kids at this point in my life!


Marie:  “Whatever it is it’s on my land and I own it.”  (Smiles in victory).


Jonathon:  Ah…  (Knows he’s beat).  Dang it, I knew you were too clever when I married you…


Marie:  (Sees initials on the towel).  What’s this…?  (Reads it).  NASA…?  Look Jonathon, this must be his name!  Hello little Nasa!  (Nuzzles the baby again, it laughs).


Jonathon:  You idiot, that’s not his name!


Marie:  And how would you know what an alien name should sound like?


Jonathon:  He’s not an alien, Marie!  (Calms himself down).  How about Stan?  I like the name Stan.


Marie:  What?  Who do we know named Stan?


Jonathon:  (Getting furious again).  STANLEY IS MY FATHER’S NAME!


Marie:  (Thinking to herself).  Oh yeah…  (Looks down at the baby).  Okay then, from this moment on, you shall be known as Stanley.  (The baby laughs with approval).  Hooray!  He likes it.


Jonathon:  Well of course he should, it’s a great name.


Marie:  Yes, our little Stanley Speenus.


Debra:  (Back in the studio).  So you’re telling me that your name is really…?


Uberman:  Yes, Stan Speenus.  (Debra begins to choke back a laugh.  Uberman is not amused).  Anyway…


Jonathon:  (Back to the scene on the field.  Jon brushes his hair back and smiles).  Well let’s get the little baby back to the house.


Marie:  Wow, I can’t wait to tell my mother about our new adopted alien child.


Jonathon:  (Freaks out as he’s picking up his shotgun).  FOR THE LAST TIME, HE IS NOT A SPACE ALIEN!!!  (The gun discharges and shoots Stan point blank in the face.  He’s thrown out of Marie’s arms and lands in front of the escape pod).




-The baby Uberman sits up and shakes his head, completely unharmed but really confused.  Jon and Marie are baffled as they look from each other to Stan, then back at each other.  Instantly they drop to their knees and bow to the ground.


Jon and Marie:  We come in peace space man!


Uberman:  (Back in the studio).  And that’s basically how I came to be adopted by Jon and Marie Speenus.


Debra:  I’m speechless!


Uberman:  Yes, I’m sure you are.


Debra:  Oh I can’t wait to hear more!  But first, we must pause for a few minutes.  When we come back, more with Uberman.  Don’t go anywhere!


We’ll be back after these messages…


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