Eclipse Star: Chapter 43
Recap: Another day goes by as the group recovers slowly in the Hermit’s apartment. During the night, Lindsey finally gets a little reassurance from a dream in which Chris tells her everything’s going to be okay. Derek, however, although physically healed, has a tougher slumber with a cryptic vision of his father being killed by Chris. Austin, too, is healed and experiences a dream vision with Chris, but it’s Jack that seems to be in the most trouble after hearing his friend talking on the phone with none other than Syrus.
-Jack is sleeping uncomfortably on his friend’s couch. He’s tossing and turning.
Jack: What…what…who’s there?
-Chris’ voice can randomly be heard faintly during Jack’s REM cycle.
Chris: (Fiercely clear). Wake up!
Jack: (Instantly awake). Ug…Nate, why don’t you have a miracle cure or something? (Looks around confusedly). Huh?
-Nate is speaking on the phone in another room, coming in clear to Jack via his earpiece.
Nate: Yeah, he’s a friend of mine. He came here after the attack on his base. Could you send someone over as soon as possible?
Syrus: I’ll be there personally. (Hangs up).
Nate: Thank you sir. (Hangs up).
Jack: (Hopping up from the couch). Dammit Nate.
-Jack starts grabbing all of his things off the coffee table.
Jack: He lied to me. Bold-faced lied to me. I’ll kill him. I’ll kill the bastard.
Nate: (Walking into the room). Oh Jack, you’re awake?
-Jack dead stops. The two are unsure what to say or who should be the first to say it.
Jack: Yeah, I’m awake.
Nate: (Seemingly nervous). Oh. Well then good. I was worried that you’d be out for too long.
-Jack slowly tucks in his shirt while stuffing things in his pockets.
Jack: That coffee you gave me wasn’t all too strong.
Nate: Sorry about that, I’m more of a tea drinker myself.
-Nate starts to move towards the kitchen.
Nate: I can whip you up a fresh pot or-
Jack: (Quickly abrasive and defensive). No. Heh, no no, no need.
Nate: How ‘bout some tea then? I’m gonna make myself a cup or two.
Jack: Nah. Hate tea.
-Jack reaches into his back pocket.
Nate: That’s a shame. It’s really quite good for the nerves. Well then, can I get you anything to drink?
Nate: Anything at all?
-Nate turns to walk into the kitchen.
Nate: Come on, I’ll just get you some-
-Nate drops down to one knee. A knife is now sticking out from one of his calves.
Jack: (His arm’s outstretched after hurling the knife). How could you Nate?
Nate: (Writhing slightly from the pain). Jack, I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Jack: Nate, don’t you lie to me. Not again.
Nate: But Jack-
Jack: Oh come on, I heard you talking to Syrus in my ear bud. How stupid do you really think I am?
Nate: (Starting to pull himself up). I swear I thought you were sleeping.
Jack: Yeah, that’s really helping your case.
-Nate finally turns around, leaning against a door jam.
Nate: Jack, you don’t understand. It’s not that I’m betraying you…it’s just…
Jack: You’re afraid I’m gonna betray you first, huh?
Nate: You’ve got a pack of highly trained, heavily armed machines after you! And you come here of all places?!
Jack: (Gritting his teeth). I came here because I trusted you.
Nate: Jack, any other day of the week and I would have openly helped you, but we’re in the middle of the Hex-Duo Project, you can’t expect me to be so easygoing at a time like this.
Jack: What? (Furious). You did know about it, didn’t you!
Nate: (Stumbling over to Jack). Everyone in the Regime was alerted that this week would be a bad time to turn traitorous. If you want to kill me for being a scared human, then be my guest.
-Jack hauls off and decks Nate, sending him to the floor, unconscious.
Jack: Trust me, you’ve got worse things coming in the future. (Pats Nate down). At least you aren’t packing anything deadly.
-Jack comes across Nate’s breast pocket and pulls out a small explosive charge.
Jack: Hell, I spoke too soon. What were you planning with this, huh? (Looks it over closely). This definitely isn’t a standard issue explosive.
–Tucks it into his pocket and walks into Nate’s back room.
Jack: Alright, there’s gotta be an upgraded version of the power-reader watches that he gave me a while back. (Shifts through some random papers). Aha, here we go.
–A watch is sitting under all the mess.
-Jack picks it up and checks the inscription on the back.
Jack: “For your endless devotion. –Octavious.” (Puts it on). Huh, no kidding?
-Jack walks back into the living room.
Jack: Nathan you unbelievable brownnoser. And that’s coming from me.
-Jack gives Nate a swift kick to the ribs.
Jack: So let’s fire her up.
-Jack clicks the watch, it starts going nuts immediately.
Jack: Damn, Syrus wasn’t kidding. Time to leave then. (Looks around). And best option for that would be…?
–Someone tries to get buzzed up.
-Jack walks over to the buzzer and approves the buzz.
Jack: I Sure as hell better know what I’m doing. (Rushes out of the room).
-Syrus quickly throws the door open and walks in.
Syrus: Nathan? Nathan! (Looks around annoyed that Nate isn’t responding). Great. This is why I hate dealing with incompetence.
-Syrus walks casually into the room, seeing Nate on the ground. He walks over to Nate and bends down in no particular hurry.
Syrus: Of course. Why should I expect otherwise?
–Taps Nate slightly. No response.
-Syrus’ hand crackles slightly right before he shocks Nate.
Syrus: Wake up.
Nate: (Suddenly awake and alert). Gah! (Sees Syrus). Oh, sir.
Syrus: (Backhands Nate). Don’t call me sir. Now, who’s here?
Nate: Jack was here. (Rubs his head). I don’t know if he still is or not. He was able to surprise and overpower me.
Syrus: I can see that
-Syrus pulls the knife from Nate’s leg.
Syrus: I hear you’ve been talking with Octavious a lot lately, haven’t you?
Nate: Yes. I’ve been getting tips about the enemy from Jack Voss and quickly relaying it to Octavious as best I could.
Syrus: How do you know Jack?
Nate: We were friends growing up, but we went separate ways a bit down the road. We’ve been in contact a lot more this past year. He’s wanted to talk to someone about the high priority target.
Syrus: His name is Chris Collins.
-Syrus stands up and sticks the knife into the wall.
Syrus: You’ve given a lot of information about Chris over the past few months. This is all from Jack?
Nate: Yeah. Chris was the one who wiped out the Regime’s base that night. Even Jack’s scared of him. (Quickly recovers and stands up). Oh but there’s nothing to worry about anymore. He’s dead.
Nate: Yes. At least that’s what Jack told me today. So…(Thumbs-up). Good news, huh?
Syrus: Nathan, Jack is a trusted friend of yours?
Nate: Yes, very.
Syrus: Then why did you betray him so lightly?
Nate: Huh? But sir-
Syrus: He’s hurt and he comes here for your help and instead of helping him you’re willing to turn him over to certain death?
Nate: It’s my duty in the Regime to-
-Syrus turns on Nate, his hand around his throat.
Syrus: It was your duty as his friend to take care of him.
Nate: (Terrified). But…sir…
-Syrus throws Nate against the wall.
Syrus: Nothing in this world is more important than taking care of your loved ones. Betrayal of the heart is the vilest crime I can think of.
Nate: (Coughing and trying to catch his breath). You don’t understand though, my life was in danger!
Syrus: Your life is forfeit.
-Syrus points a finger forward, a small beam shoots out of the end and through Nate’s head.
-The beam carries through the wall and out the other side.
-On the other side of the wall, Jack twitches slightly as he watches the beam zip inches from his face.
-Nate slumps against the wall, sliding down, dead.
Syrus: I will not stand for that level of disgracefulness. (Shakes his head). And that lecture goes double for you, Jack.
-Syrus brushes his hands off and walks out of the apartment as calmly as he walked in.
Jack: (Viciously shaken but completely unharmed). Holy hell…
-Jack inches himself around the wall and finally sees Nate’s dead body.
Jack: Nate… (Checks for a pulse, although he knows it’s useless). Ugn, this isn’t what I meant to happen. Please forgive me Nate.
* * * * *
-The Hermit walks in through the door of his apartment.
-Everyone’s busy with something or another.
Hermit: Hmm…(Looks out the window). Another sunrise. Very nice. (Sees Kyle walking around the kitchen, looking for food). Ah, Kyle, how are you?
Kyle: A bit groggy but not too bad. Hey, got any grub around here?
Hermit: Sure. You like bread?
Kyle: Now and then, sure.
-The Hermit reaches into the cupboard and pulls out a loaf of bread.
Hermit: Aha, here we are.
Kyle: I swear that cupboard was empty.
Hermit: Ya just gotta reach in far enough. Wine? (Holds out a bottle of wine).
Kyle: Um, nah, but thanks.
Scott: (Walks by, grabbing the bottle). Dibs.
Kevin: (Coming into the room, rubbing his eyes). Oh my, that’s what I call a restful day.
Hermit: Yeah, everyone’s been asleep for almost the entire day. It’s like you guys are tired or somethin’.
Kevin: Thank you so much for your hospitality.
Hermit: Meh, think nothing of it.
Kevin: I feel like we’re imposing quite a bit though. Aren’t you worried that the Hex-Duo robots could come at any time and attack us?
Hermit: Not particularly. Should I be?
Derek: (Stumbles into the room). Definitely. I’m surprised they haven’t found us yet.
Kyle: Maybe they got held up elsewhere or something?
Derek: Could be.
Kevin: Sir, we’ll be out by this evening, if you don’t mind. We don’t want to put you in any further danger.
Hermit: Nonsense, I love danger. I’m imposing house rules here and demand that you all stay one more day. I’ve got Trivial Pursuit.
Austin: (Casually munching on some cereal at the table). Sounds good to me. I’m in no hurry to leave.
Derek: Alright, majority votes that we stay, so we’ll stay another night. But if you so much as suggest that we play Monopoly the deal’s off.
Kyle: Well that was an easy victory. You get some good rest?
Derek: Not particularly, but I don’t feel like arguing. (Starts to walk out of the room). I’ll be back in a bit. (Turns back). Don’t follow me.
–Everyone just looks at him and gives him the “no pressure” gesture as he walks out the window and onto the fire escape.
Derek: Damn…its too crowed in there. No one can think straight anymore. Maybe I can get some actual rest on the roof or something.
-Derek climbs to the roof and stops.
Hex-Duo 7: (Turns around and sees Derek). Oh, I didn’t know anyone was looking for me.
Derek: (Standoffish). Trust me, we weren’t. What are you doing up here?
Hex-Duo 7: I get the feeling I’m not exactly wanted down there, and by the look that you’re giving me I’m probably right, aren’t I?
Derek: (Sarcastically replying). Forgive us, but it’s somewhat difficult to be excited about welcoming a robot to our group when said robot’s old friends killed some of ours.
Hex-Duo 7: Understandable. (Turns back to the sky). Don’t worry. I’ve been blocking any sort of signals that could be traced here. Everyone’s safe right now. Even stranger though is that I haven’t picked up any movement from the other Hex-Duos for the past day now.
Derek: What, they get tired of looking?
Hex-Duo 7: Partly. I’d be willing to bet that they’re back with Charles in the lab getting upgraded.
Hex-Duo 7: (Looks back at Derek). They’re editing me out of their plans. And once that happens…well then I can’t do much more to help you all.
* * * * *
-Hex-Duo 6 sits with his arms crossed in the lab, waiting for the others to finish their upgrades.
Hex-Duo 6: Charles, why is this taking so long?
Charles: (He looks even more tired than usual). You can keep asking me that all you want and it’s not going to make me go any faster.
Hex-Duo 6: Don’t patronize me old man.
Charles: Then show some respect to your elders.
Hex-Duo 6: Touché. (His eyes wander around the lab from robot to robot, each in his own little chamber getting fixed). Was the damage from Syrus too severe?
Charles: You know, for a robot that decided that everyone else was inferior, you sure do make it a point to look out for your fellow team members.
Hex-Duo 6: (Not amused). Ha ha. Aren’t we cleaver? I’m more curious to know if Syrus was actually capable of inflicting serious damage to us in case he decides to rebel.
Charles: Don’t take this as an exact estimate of Syrus’ abilities, but the damage was only superficial. Minor dents and dings, nothing more. But if you’d ask me, and if I have this correct you are, Syrus wasn’t trying very hard with you all.
Hex-Duo 6: I figured not.
-Hex-Duo 9’s chamber beeps and opens up, allowing him to walk out.
Hex-Duo 9: Aha! I’m first! I win!
Hex-Duo 6: I was first; you’re second.
Hex-Duo 9: That’s as good as first for everyone else! Hooray, I’m first! I am win!
Hex-Duo 6: Good, so they’re starting to finish. When do you think we can be mobile again?
Charles: I’d say in about a day you should all be done.
Hex-Duo 6: Good. I expect tomorrow to be an eventful day then.
* * * * *
-Jack sits in Nate’s apartment after another day has come and gone. Nate is sitting next to him as Jack casually eats a sandwich, still dead.
Jack: Still no heading from any source. No noted movement by the Hex-Duo, no power spikes from the group, no radio transmissions or anything. (Takes a bite of his sandwich and turns to Nate). Want some? (No response). I figured not. I’m just glad this gamble paid off. I guess you were able to provide me a safe house after all bud.
* * * * *
-Everyone’s in the room as the sun’s coming up again.
Hermit: So this is really goodbye from you guys then?
Austin: For now. We’ve gotta keep moving or else we’re just putting you in danger and blah blah blah, you know the rest.
Kevin: Thank you so much for everything. I don’t know how we can ever repay you for your kindness.
Hermit: No thanks needed.
Kyle: Hey, by the by, um, what’s your name?
Hermit: Huh? Oh, I’m the Hermit.
Kyle: Anything else?
Hermit: Well I suppose it’d be senseless to just call me the Desert Hermit since I’m clearly not in the desert right now.
Leena: Well right, right, but what’s your real name? Like, official birth name?
Hermit: Oh that. Oh, that’s Joshua.
Kyle: (Leena smiles, Kyle looks sad). Dang, I was so sure I was right.
Leena: See, it’s not him, so you owe me another Coke.
Lindsey: (Steps forward). Thank you so much Joshua. I don’t know what to say, but thanks. (Gives him a big hug).
Joshua: (Smiles and blushes). Ahhh, haha, no need. I see you’re in a better mood at least.
Austin: It’s good to see the old Lindsey back. It’s been a while.
Clinton: Okay everyone, we’re heading for the center of the city at Trillium Grand Arena and the surrounding area. You’ve all got your stuff, right? Good, then let’s move out.
Lindsey: Oops, hold on, let me go get Seven. He’s still on the roof.
-Lindsey rushes out the window and up the fire escape.
Lindsey: Seven? You up here?
Hex-Duo 7: (Turns around). Oh Lindsey, hi. Everything alright?
Lindsey: Yep, we’re just leaving. You looked like you were in deep thought there. Odd to say about a robot but, still, nonetheless odd.
Hex-Duo 7: Yeah, I’ve been trying to get a fix on the others but I’m getting nothing. I fear that my usefulness is up. They’ll be coming for you all again very shortly; I just know it.
Lindsey: Hey, no worries, they don’t know where we are or where we’re going, so we’ve got the advantage at the moment. Everything’ll be fine. Now let’s go.
–The two smile at each other and take off down the roof.
-On ground level a block down the road on a payphone.
Derek: Come on, pick up the phone. (Taps his foot impatiently).
–A voice messaging service comes on.
–The answering machine plays a simple message: “Hello, you’ve reached the phone of Marshall Tolkien. Sorry but I seem to have missed your call. Please leave your name and number and I’ll get back to you when I can. Thank you.”
Derek: Hey Dad, it’s Derek. I know it’s been a few months since I last called, but I’m sure you’ve been worried about me since the TV’s been reporting the attack on the base I was stationed at. Don’t worry though; I’m just fine. I’m not gonna be killed that easily. Hahaha… (Sigh). Dad, I miss you and just wanted to make sure you were okay. I haven’t heard from you in months even though I’ve been leaving you messages frequently. I don’t know, I had a dream the other night that just bothered me and I wanted to tell you I was sorry if I haven’t been a good enough son. God this is dragging…I don’t mean to make you worry. I’ll be out of contact again for a few days until I find a better place to stay. We’ve gotta constantly stay moving you know. Anyway, we’re heading towards the center of town. Trillium City Grand Arena or something like that. I know, pointless. I tried to convince everyone to go to your house instead but they didn’t think it was safe or something. You know how cowards can be sometimes. (Shakes his head). Alright dad, take care of yourself. Your son loves you. (Hangs up).
–Sitting in Nate’s apartment, tapping his ear bud.
Jack: What? You’re kidding me. Derek actually tried calling his dad. (Gets up). I figured he’d try eventually.
–Runs to the window and leaps out onto the fire escape.
Jack: Well then, off to the city center.
-Octavious sits in an office adjacent to the Charles Robotics labs. He’s holding a phone and laughing.
-The message finishes playing on the other end: “Your son loves you.”.
-Octavious hangs up the phone.
-An assistant walks in.
Octavious: Tell the Hex-Duo that they’ve got a heading. Tell them the kids are on their way to the Trillium City Grand Arena area.
–The assistant runs out to tell the others.
-Octavious laughs and shakes his head.
Octavious: Tolkien, you were a good soldier when you were alive, but you raised a pretty foolish kid. I guess you’ll see him soon enough though.
–Begins laughing to himself as the scene fades out.
To Be Continued…
Eclipse Star: Chapter 42
“What Dreams May Come”
Recap: After the longest night of their lives, the group finally found some shelter with, of all people, the Desert Hermit. At about the same time, Jack was able to meet up with a friend from the Demon Regime and negotiate lodgings for the night. Luckily, the Hex-Duo robots ran into their share of trouble with Syrus and decided to head back to Charles Robotics for some repairs and reeducation. More questions are sure to come, today, on Eclipse Star!
Hermit: (Everyone has piled through the fire escape and into a small room where the Desert Hermit looks on with a confused gaze). So what’s gotten you all in such a foul mood?
Kyle: (Confused to all hell). Who’s this guy?
Kevin: (Happily hopping in through the window and over to the Hermit). This is the Desert Hermit I told you all so much about. He was the one who taught Danny, Derek and myself everything we learned during the weeks after the Regime’s ridge base was wiped out.
Danny: Hold on…what’re you doing in the city now?
Hermit: Well, I felt the need to get out of the sun for a while and reconnect with the city life. Also, sand gets everywhere. (Shudders). You can only stand so much sand before you lose it. (Smiles and shakes his head). No matter. (Looks at Derek and Austin). What’s wrong with these two?
Kevin: They’re suffering as a result of the Hex-Duo robots.
Hermit: Ah, I figured.
Scott: Hey, how’d the old guy know there were killer robots on the loose?
Hermit: Oh, that’s a fair question. Hmm, well, I’m pretty wise and know all. (Turns on the TV in the corner). Also the attack is all over the news.
Scott: That’s good enough for me. (Wanders over to a corner and sits down).
Hermit: Okay then, bring Derek and Austin with me into the bedroom. Oh, and Lindsey, too. Come on now, let’s go.
–Everyone’s confused but they follow orders and carry Derek and Austin into a nearby bedroom.
Hermit: Please, set them down in the beds over there. (Walks over to Austin). Hmm…ruptured spleen. Well that can’t be very pleasant.
-The Hermit crouches over Austin, laying his hands on Austin’s stomach. He closes his eyes and begins to hum quietly. Austin’s leg twitches slightly, but that’s it, although his breathing is noticeably calmer.
-The Hermit stands up and walks over to Derek.
Hermit: Derek Derek Derek…how many times do I have to tell you to control that temper?
-He bends down and places his hands on Derek’s chest, humming quietly again. Derek’s breathing noticeably improves as well.
-The Hermit stands up and walks over to Lindsey.
Hermit: Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine.
Lindsey: (Very quiet and still close to tears). Thank you, sir.
Hermit: Hey, cheer up kid. You look like you could use a bit of rest as well. Come over here; lay down on the bed.
–Lindsey follows his orders and lies down on another open bed.
-The Hermit walks over to her and places a hand on her forehead.
Hermit: Get some rest; you’ve had a hard day.
–Lindsey’s eyes start to close as everyone else seems to drift into slumber as well.
* * * * *
-Lindsey finds herself wandering lost in a complete void, hopelessly trying to find anyone.
Lindsey: Leena? Austin? Kyle? Is anyone here? Please, can someone hear me?
-Chris appears from the nothingness and begins walking over to her.
Chris: I can still hear you.
Lindsey: (Gasps slightly and covers her mouth). Chris…?
Chris: It’s only been a day and already you’re lost?
Lindsey: Chris…(Runs towards him, arms outstretched, ready to hug him). Chris! (As she runs towards him he disappears). Wha…what?
Chris: (Appearing behind her). Why are you so lost?
Lindsey: But… (Shakes her head and becomes frustrated). Are you dead or not?!
Chris: Why does it matter? Are you?
Lindsey: (She’s regained her composure again). No, I’m still alive.
Chris: Then stop acting like you’re just as dead as me.
Lindsey: Chris…I don’t know what to do though.
Chris: What do you mean? You know exactly what you’ve got to do.
Lindsey: But if I stayed with you when you asked me…maybe you wouldn’t be dead!
Chris: I was lost with or without you.
Chris: (Very stern). No! (Lindsey recoils a bit). If you had been in that building with me you’d be dead, too, and then nothing would have been accomplished.
Lindsey: (Crying). But I could have helped. I know I could have!
Chris: You’re not responsible for any of this. Everything that has happened to me I have brought on myself. You’ve done nothing but try and save me and I wouldn’t let you.
Lindsey: But why?
Chris: Because I didn’t want to see you fall with me. (Lindsey starts sobbing now). Do you know who you are? Do you? (Lindsey looks up at Chris and nods). Do you?!
Lindsey: (Wipes her face and nods). Yes. (Looks over at Chris and yells at him). Yes! But what does that have anything to do with this?!
Chris: You’ll be fine no matter what happens to me. All you have to do is keep yourself alive. You’ve got no idea how strong you can really be when you have to.
Lindsey: But I’m not that strong.
Chris: Don’t try to lie to me. I’m smarter than that. I know you too well.
Lindsey: But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…
Chris: Stop it. Stop blaming yourself for everything. It’s not your character; it’s my character. I’m the one who’s supposed to make a martyr of himself and look where it got me. You have to stay strong. Can you do that?
Lindsey: (She’s completely in control now). Yes, I can do that.
Chris: Good. Now stop worrying so much. And take care of yourself. (Begins to walk away).
Lindsey: (Chases after him). Wait! You can’t just leave now! Please stay!
Chris: (Looks back and smiles). Trust me, I won’t let anything happen to you, no matter what. (Disappears).
Lindsey: (Sits up in her bed). Chris wait!
-Lindsey looks around the darkened room. Leena and Kyle are sitting next to her bed, confused.
Kyle: “Chris wait”?
Lindsey: Huh? Oh, nothing.
Leena: You were dreaming hon. (Grabs a washcloth and places it on Lindsey’s head). Go back to sleep. You desperately need it.
Lindsey: (Lies back down). It was so weird. I saw Chris in a dream. He told me everything would be okay and that he doesn’t blame me for anything that’s happened.
Kyle: Did he have wheels or anything?
Lindsey: What? No, why?
Kyle: Meh, sounds like a boring dream then.
Lindsey: How are the others doing?
Kyle: They’re doing pretty fine. Derek’s not having the most pleasant of sleep, but then again he’s not dead either, so it could be worse.
Leena: Lindz, go back to sleep before I knock you out with a lamp or something.
Lindsey: Alright. (Closes her eyes). Just wake me up if Chris comes back.
Kyle: (Leena and Kyle sadly look at each other for a second). Sure, we’ll let you know. (Looks off to Derek a few beds down). I wonder if we should tell him, too?
* * * * *
-Absolutely blackness. Derek can’t see anything around him, although he hears muffled voices.
Derek: Who’s there? Come on, show yourselves.
-Derek flips out and powers up, creating a small energy ball with one hand that generates just enough light to illuminate the general area around Derek.
-Chris steps forward, only half illuminated from Derek’s energy ball.
Chris: Yes, it’s always about me, isn’t it?
Derek: (He seems annoyed). Aren’t you supposed to be dead?
Chris: Everyone seems to think so, don’t they?
Derek: Hey, at least I tried stopping it from happening. That’s more than anyone else can say.
Chris: So that makes you the hero, eh?
Derek: I failed, too, didn’t I?
Chris: Yep. And it was because you’re too weak.
Derek: (Now very aggravated). Rrrr…you’re no more than a memory now, what business do you have defining my character?
Chris: Heheh…hahahaha! (Breaks out laughing in an uncharacteristic way).
Derek: Shut up!
-Derek throws the energy ball at Chris.
-Everything goes dark again.
Chris: (Only a voice as of now). Hahaha…it’s no wonder you couldn’t save him.
Derek: I did my best to save you; what more do you want?
Chris: No, not me.
–Chris appears after illuminating his own energy ball. He reveals both Chris in a menacing pose and a man looking pretty beaten, lying on the ground.
Derek: (Panics slightly). Dad!
Marshall: (Weakly raising his hand). Derek…
Derek: (Turns to Chris). What did you do to him?!
Chris: Hmm, so quick to place blame, yet you know nothing of the consequences of those that freely accept it.
Derek: Whatever business we have doesn’t concern my father. What I want for us doesn’t involve him, so leave him alone!
Chris: It’s too late for that Derek. You’ve already failed him as a son.
Marshall: Derek, I’m sorry for everything…I couldn’t live up to what you wanted me to be…
Derek: But dad…no…you’ve been nothing but a good father.
Chris: Has he? Do you even know? You yourself admit that he was never the same after he crumbled. You yourself admit that he wasn’t what he should have been.
Derek: (Incredibly pissed). That’s not true.
Chris: You placed the blame and he accepted it, for better or worse. In this case…
-Chris fires his energy blast at Derek’s father.
Chris: Much worse.
Derek: (Tries rushing to help his father). DAD!
–The blast hits, Derek’s father screams and in a flash everything is black again.
Derek: No…(Enraged). NOOOOO!!!!
Chris: (Appearing behind Derek). You were too weak to do anything…
-Derek flips around, punching Chris’ face, hitting nothing.
Derek: You’re lying!
Chris: (Once more behind Derek). And now you’re just wrestling with someone whom you couldn’t save. Someone who freely took all the blame from everyone and lost everything as a result.
Derek: (Blasting at Chris). SHUT UP!
Chris: (Only a voice). How can anyone so weak expect to command such power?
-Derek flips out and starts blasting everything around him in a rage.
Derek: SHUT UP!!!!! (Suddenly sits up from his bed). Ung…(Looks around slightly confused as to what he just saw). Where…
-Derek looks down at his chest, patting it with both hands.
Derek: My ribs are fine?
Danny: (From over in the corner). Oh man, Derek! You’re alright!
Derek: (Looking around). Danny, where the hell are we?
Danny: Oh, we’re in the Hermit’s house. He’s letting us stay here until we’re all better. You’ve been out for almost a whole day. I didn’t think you’d be waking up but the Hermit said you’d wake up feeling great.
Derek: Well at least I can breath again, so I guess he didn’t entirely lie. (Sees Danny scribbling on a piece of paper). Why aren’t you sleeping?
Danny: Huh? Oh, I couldn’t. I’m too excited from everything, so I drew this picture.
-Danny holds up a picture he’s been doodling that looks somewhat like a Megazord.
Derek: What is it?
Danny: Okay, follow me with this, but what if all those robots we ran into could somehow, like, transform into one super robot? See look, the big one could be the body and the round one could be the head and-
Derek: (Turns over). Sorry I asked. (Sees Austin in a bed next to him, tossing and turning). Yeah, I see that you’re not doing much better with dreams.
* * * * *
-Austin’s dream sequence finds him in the Hermit’s house with everyone in a bed of their own, resting uncomfortably. Austin is walking around, surveying everyone’s condition.
Austin: How can everyone be so badly damaged?
–Upon looking closer, everyone’s severely injured, some near mutilated, others bloody all around.
Austin: Is anyone okay? Anyone at all?
-Chris walks into the room.
Chris: Everyone’s got their hurt and troubles showing today, don’t they?
Austin: It sure would seem so, huh?
Chris: I mean look at these guys. (Bends down near Kevin). This is Kevin, or at least I assume it’s Kevin, right?
Austin: I can hardly tell. He’s too badly injured.
Chris: (Stands up and continues walking). Everyone’s different, unrecognizable. They’re been destroyed from everything that’s happened. Even you’re showing some signs of wear and tear.
-Austin looks down at his chest. As he does so, the area around his heart begins bleeding profusely, yet it doesn’t seem to affect him.
Austin: You’re right. (Looks back up at Chris). I’m not doing so well either.
Chris: No one ever is. Everyone chooses to hide it though. You’ve been hiding it better than most.
Austin: (Shrugs). Hey man, you know how it goes. Sometimes you’ve gotta stay strong for everyone else.
Chris: (Nods and starts walking again). True. But then again, if no one can see where you’re bleeding from, they can’t stop the wound in time to heal.
Austin: Ah cut the crap Chris. We’ve never had to dance around meanings before, why so cryptic now?
Chris: Heh, I don’t know, makes me feel like I’ve got something better to say.
-Austin sits down at the end of one of the beds. Everyone else seems to have disappeared.
Austin: So are you alright?
Chris: Even now you’re more concerned about me than yourself huh?
Austin: We’ve always taken care of each other over the years. You were always dealing with too much to really be able to shoulder my burdens, too.
Chris: Come on, you know that I shouldered your weight, too. You tried to keep it to yourself, but I knew. After all of this we started to go our separate ways but we still worried for the other.
Austin: (Crosses his arms and nods). Yep. Even when you weren’t there I felt like I had to treat you like you were.
Chris: Austin, right now you still feel the need to keep everything inside, don’t you?
Austin: The others expect me to be me no matter what. I’ve got to stay positive and happy and expecting of good things. I don’t know what to do when I don’t have anything optimistic to say to them. What can I do when I’m not allowed to feel depressed?
Chris: It’s tough for sure, but tell me this, do you really think that everyone’s doomed?
Austin: It’s not lookin’ too good right now.
Chris: So then tell me that we’ve reached the end. Tell me that we all failed and we should give up.
Austin: Well…hah, I’ve still got a feeling that we’ll find a way. I mean hell, we found this house in the middle of everything that’s happened, so obviously we’ve got someone looking after us.
Chris: So aren’t you depressed?
Austin: (Smiles). Chris, I know what you’re trying to do and you’re just dancing around the subject. I wouldn’t be your best friend if I didn’t get it right away.
Chris: (Smiles back). So then, what am I trying to say?
Austin: I’m worried that I’ve gotta always be the optimistic one in the group, even if that means I can’t feel miserable, but when it gets right down to it I’m always gonna look for the bright side to show up. I’m basically just hiding nothing, really.
Chris: Hah, something like that. So do you think you caused my death?
Chris: Why not? Everyone else seems to.
Austin: Because knowing you, you’re probably not even dead.
Chris: Always a bright side?
Austin: Always. Especially when there isn’t one.
-Austin slowly wakes up smiling. He looks around the room and sees everyone sleeping still.
-He quietly gets up and walks over to the window to peak around the blinds.
Austin: How long have I been out?
Hermit: The sun’s starting to set again. You guys have been here maybe half a day.
Austin: I take it you’re the Hermit from the desert? (The Hermit nods). Thanks for fixin’ my stomach. Man was it killing me.
Hermit: (Casually nods). Yeah, another hour and you would have bled to death internally. Not to alarm you or anything.
Austin: (Waves it off). Nah, there’s always a way, eh?
–The two smile and nods at each other.
* * * * *
-In the main laboratory of Charles Robotics, Hex-Duo 6 leans against a desk, arms crossed and eyes closed.
Hex-Duo 6: (Muttering to itself). Such a waste of time… We killed one kid; how hard is it to kill another 11?
-Static fuzzes through its sensors.
Hex-Duo 6: Hmh?
-The faded image of Chris appears across the room behind Charles.
Chris: (Speaking in a staticy voice). You didn’t really do much to kill me, did you?
Hex-Duo 6: (Mouth open, arms suddenly uncrossed in confusion). What…?
Chris: You got all your lackies to do the deed for you.
Charles: (Looking up from repairing a deactivated Hex-Duo 3). You say something? What’s the matter?
Hex-Duo 6: What? (Turns to Charles). Are you seeing-?
-The image of Chris is gone.
Hex-Duo 6: He’s gone.
Charles: (Looks around). Who’s gone?
Hex-Duo 6: Nothing. It must have just been a minor interference with my circuitry.
-Multiple images of Chris flash all over the room of various sizes and poses, all speaking seemingly at once.
Chris 1: You think you killed me?
Chris 2: -Derek was deadlier-
Chris 3: -Worthless machine-
Chris 4: -Break you down-
Chris 5: -Tear every wire from your head-
Chris 6: -HAHAHA-
Chris 7: -Eat me, you waste-
Chris 8: -Couldn’t even kill a child-
Chris 9: -Commander just let you stall for time-
Chris 10: –Will kill you!
-Hex-Duo 6 starts to back away before screaming and destroying the room in a flash, shaking and panicking.
-Suddenly the scene shifts back to an undamaged lab with Charles closing the top of Hex-Duo 6’s head and backing away before reactivating it.
Charles: There. The memory files have been reinserted.
Hex-Duo 6: (Opening its eyes again). What is this? What did you do?
Charles: I just told you; I finished reuploading the data. I did you first as you wanted.
Hex-Duo 6: (Annoyed, walking away). You must have been careless with your work; I’m sure you knicked a circuit.
* * * * *
-Jack is lying on his friend’s couch, drifting back and forth into sleep and back.
Jack: Nate, why don’t you have a miracle cure or something…?
-Jack looks around and sees that Nate isn’t anywhere to be seen.
Jack: Nate? Crap… (Sits up). How long have I been out? (Bends down over the coffee table and checks his watch). 9:30? What is that…maybe sixteen, seventeen hours? (Rubs his head). And still I’ve got a headache. (Rubs his face and then pauses, quickly tapping his ear a bit).
Static Transmission: …Yeah…he’s here…hours…not sure…send…
Jack: (Taps his ear one good time). Dammit…
Clear Transmission: Yes sir, I’ll make sure he’s still here. No, he has no idea. I’ve been keeping him asleep for this long; I’ll just give him a stronger dosage.
Jack: Dammit Nate… (Hops up and grabs all his stuff).
-Nate is standing in his bedroom with a phone, looking over his shoulder at his door, worriedly.
Nate: Yes sir, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Okay, just get me on the phone with Octavious? He’s busy? What about Syrus? Can you get me a direct line to him? (Pause). Thank you. (Waits). Yes, sir?
Syrus: (Back at the Legion’s headquarters). Don’t call me sir.
Nate: Sorry. I’ve got one of the priority targets here in my apartment. He’s been out for most of the day but I haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone until now.
Syrus: You have one of the kids?
Nate: Yeah, he’s a friend of mine. He came here after the attack on his base. Could you send someone over as soon as possible?
Syrus: I’ll be there personally. (Hangs up).
Nate: Thank you sir. (Hangs up).
Jack: (Franticly looking around the apartment). Dammit.
To Be Continued…
The Story of Cain and Abel and Chris
So if y’all remember, a while back I found myself at the In The Beginning stages of time, what with God creating Adam and Eve and whatnot. He had told them not to eat the fruit from a specific tree and asked me to keep an eye on them and wouldn’t you know it, I screwed up. Long story short, I’m partly to blame for Original Sin. Doesn’t matter. From there on out things got a little hectic as it seemed God wasn’t quite done with these kids.
God: Alright then, Adam, Eve, how’s life treating you since you got booted from Eden?
Adam: Uh…you know, things have been good.
Eve: No, long story short, I hate our lives and hate You, too.
God: Wonderful! Glad to hear the punishment’s going so well. Oh by the way, Eve, you know that thing that you and Adam do every so often?
Eve: Sex? You mean sex? Yes God, what about it? It’s the only decent thing we have out here.
Adam: It’s great!
God: Yes well, guess what? Wabam, you’re pregnant! See ya!
-God leaves again.
Adam: What’s pregnant?
Eve: I don’t know; beats me.
Chris: (Walks by with a shovel). Hey, don’t I know you two from somewhere?
Eve: Uh, yeah, like, from the Garden of Eden.
Chris: Oh yeah! I remember you two! Weren’t you, like, snakes or something?
Eve: Ug, no, we were the first two humans.
Adam: Actually, I was kinda the first human and you came from me.
Eve: Whatever, you always come first. Stupid men.
Chris: Yeah yeah, I remember. You guys screwed up pretty badly, didn’t you?
Eve: Yes, and you helped if I remember correctly.
Chris: Nah I don’t think you do. Anyway, what’s new?
Adam: Hey, what’s “pregnant”?
Chris: Um, really?
Eve: Yeah, God told us that I’m pregnant now. What’s He talking about?
Chris: Oh, that means you’re gonna have a baby?
Adam: Ohhh…what’s a baby?
Chris: It’s another human.
Eve: Pff, yeah, and where’s this new human gonna come from?
Chris: Uh…down…down there. (Points at the baby spot).
Adam: Hahaha, nah that can’t…oh. Oh no.
Eve: (Yells off to God). Hey God! We’ve got a problem!
God: What’s up everyone?
Chris: Hey God.
Eve: Is it true that I’m about to fire a human from my crotch?
God: Yup. Pretty funny, huh?
Eve: (Smacks Adam). No, it’s absolutely not.
God: (Sigh). Fine, I’ll make it a small human.
Eve: No deal. Take it away.
God: Sorry, you’ve got a looooooong way to wait for Planned Parenthood to show up, and you’re already in enough trouble with Me, so I’d advise staying away from there and just having Abel already.
Adam: God? What’s an Abel?
God: It’s a name. It’s what you’re gonna end up naming your child.
Eve: Hey, You’re not birthing it, so You’re not naming it. I’ll name it myself.
God: Fine, name it Cain for all I care. I’m outta here. Oh wait, Chris?
God: Job for you.
Chris: More snakes?
God: No, things are about to get really, oh, how shall we say…bad very suddenly. Keep an eye on things for Me until I get back from vacation.
Chris: Where You going?
God: Nowhere in particular. Just any and everywhere. I’ll be back when the plot demands.
Chris: Well, have fun.
God: Always do. (Gone).
Eve: Well now what do we do?
Chris: If I remember things correctly, breathing exercises.
Eve: I know how to breathe.
Adam: Yeah! What’re you saying about my Eve?!
Eve: Ug, I’m not your Eve, I’m my Eve. You’re my Adam. Now go get me some watermelon; I suddenly really want some.
Adam: What’s a watermelon?
Eve: (Waves Chris off). Go, go help him.
-Nine months later…
Adam: Hey Eve, I don’t mean to say anything but…you’ve gotten really fat.
Eve: I’m pretty sure this is all God’s fault.
Chris: It’ll all be gone in a little bit though. How you feeling?
Eve: Meh, a little queasy but nothing-HAAAA!
Adam: What the heck?!
-Birthing scene…I’m not describing this.
Adam: WHAT IN GOD’S NAME JUST HAPPENED?!
Chris: That’s a baby, and Eve just gave birth to it.
Eve: (Exhausted). ARG. I’m not doing that again.
-Another nine months later.
Eve: Adam? I hate you.
Chris: Well, that makes two babies. You ready to name them?
Adam: Well, I think we should name this one Abel.
Eve: Yeah, and we might as well name the first one now, too. I’m naming it Cain.
Chris: Wonderful! Cain and Abel, what a couple of scamps. I bet nothing bad’s ever gonna happen to them.
Eve: Alright, well I’m bored. Here, you take ‘em.
-Eve hands two babies to Chris.
Chris: …Oh no.
Adam: See ya buddy!
-Adam and Eve leave before promptly fornicating again.
Chris: (Looks back and forth between the babies). Sometimes, I hate my life.
-Years later. The two babies are now nearly teenagers.
Abel: Hey Chris, what cha doin’?
Chris: (Pacing with a shovel). Patrolling for snakes. You can’t be too careful about these things.
Abel: What’s wrong with snakes?
Chris: They’re evil, wicked creatures sent to tempt you into sin. Also, those suckers got fangs and crap and that stuff’s scary as well.
Abel: Oh, well I don’t like snakes then. Scary things scare me.
Cain: (Runs up). Hey losers, check what I just found. (Holds up a snake).
Abel: Whoa, what’s that?
Cain: I call it, “snake.” Pretty sick, huh?
Abel: (Freaks out). WAAAAAAH!
Chris: HeeYUT. (Swings his shovel like a bat and hits the snake out of Cain’s hands and off into the distance).
Cain: Hey, why’d you do that?
Chris: New rule for you two. No snakes. Ever. Ever ever. That snake didn’t say anything to you, did it?
Cain: Snakes can’t talk, stupid. The thing just kept hissing. I don’t speak snake. What do I look like, Harry Potter?
Chris: Alright, fine, just don’t play with snakes anymore, okay? Go take up, I don’t know, farming or something.
Cain: Fine. There’s nothing better to do anyway. Not like there’s any chicks around here.
Chris: Yeah, and if you find any, best not deal with them if you can help it. They’re probably related to you. Your parents are kinda the only other people on Earth right now.
Abel: What’s mom and dad like? I sure do miss them.
Chris: Well, Adam’s kinda like you, Abel. And…
-Cain is seen in the background picking up another snake.
Chris: Cain’s more like his mother. Tell you what; go play with some sheep. You might just like it.
Abel: Are they scary, like snakes?
Chris: No, they’re soft and cuddly, like clouds.
Abel: Yay! (Claps his hands and runs off to look for sheep).
Chris: Good kid. Sucks to be him.
-More years pass. Cain and Abel are fully-grown now.
Chris: (Walks up to Cain’s farm). Hey Cain, how’re things?
Cain: Shut up; I’m farming.
Chris: What sort of crops you got this year?
Cain: Seeing as how you don’t eat vegetables, do you really care?
Chris: Hey, I like corn. Have you any corn?
Cain: No, I purposely don’t grow things you like. I hate you.
Chris: That’s cool. Hey, where’s Abel?
Abel: (Walks up with a flock of sheep). Greetings my friends and brothers!
Cain: Oh, look who showed up. Must be so hard watching sheep all day.
Abel: Such a rewarding job. I’ve seen every sheep grow and become old, just like me and you. Except Chris. Why are you the same age as when we first met you?
Chris: (Shrugs). I uh-no. That’s just how I roll. Nice sheep by the way.
Abel: You really think so? I was planning on taking this group to God, you know, as a thank you.
Cain: Thank you for what?
Abel: Well for being God. Must be difficult running the universe. It’s the least I can do.
Cain: No, the least you can do is nothing, and you nearly do that as it is.
Chris: Don’t listen to him. Go, God loves sheep.
Abel: Oh Lord! I pray to Thee! I have an offering to give unto You!
God: (Appears in the sky). Huh, huh, who said offering? (Looks down). Oh hey! Abel! How are you?
Abel: I am well; thank you, Lord.
God: And Cain, Chris, I see you two are doing very well.
Chris: No snakes, Sir. I’ve been very good about that. (Salutes with his shovel).
God: Glad to hear it. So, what’s all this offering business I’m told so much about?
Abel: Lord, I wanted to save this for Your birthday, but I have no idea when Your birthday is, so I have for You a flock of my best sheep.
God: I LOVE sheep!
Cain: And uh, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise, but I have an entire field of crops for you as well and since everyone’s apparently throwing their hard work away, here, it’s for you.
God: Hmm…I noticed you didn’t capitalize My name when you referred to Me as “you,” so I am displeased. Also, no corn? What the heck? I made everything and said “it was good,” but I was just being nice to vegetables. Try harder next year. Abel, nice work though.
Chris: How’s the vacation going?
God: Not bad, not bad. Incidentally, if you happen to run across a planet named Mars anytime soon and wonder why it’s completely barren and unlivable, uh, better just not ask.
Chris: Will do.
God: See y’all later then. (Waves and leaves).
Abel: Ah, the joy of serving God. What a treat.
Cain: What the hell? Why didn’t He like my offering?
Abel: Clearly you did not give Him enough of yourself or your finest. You have many fresher and more bountiful fields, yet you decided to give Him this unfortunate piece of land.
Cain: He’s God; how am I supposed to shop for that? He’s got everything! He made everything! This is BULLCRAP!
Abel: Hmm. Well, sorry to hear that you don’t respect our Lord enough. Okay, if anyone needs me I’m going to go tend to my millions upon millions of sheep. (Walks away).
Chris: (Pats Cain on the back as he fumes). Sorry ‘bout that man. Better luck next time.
Cain: Give me your shovel.
Chris: (Freaks out and looks at the ground). Why?! You see a snake?!
Cain: Sure. Snakes.
Chris: Alright. Here ya go. (Hands him the shovel).
Cain: I’ll be back. Keep an eye on my crops.
Chris: Will do.
-An hour goes by as Cain finally comes back.
Cain: Sorry that took so long.
Chris: Before you ask why all your crops are on fire, please consider that I’ve never been that great at gardening in the first place.
Cain: (Breaks down upon seeing his fields engulfed in flames). AAAAAHHHH!!!!
God: (Appears suddenly in the sky, extremely angry). HEY!
Chris: Hey God, how goes it?
God: Will someone please explain this?!
-God holds out a dead Abel with a shovel in his back.
Chris: Hey, isn’t that my shoveloh no.
God: CAIN! DID YOU KILL ABEL?!
Cain: Okay, before we all go crazy about who killed whom with what, let’s take a moment to first-
God: You are sooooo cursed.
Cain: Wait cursed, why?
God: Abel is now DEAD.
Abel: (Sits up). Yeah, I’m dead.
Cain: Well…stop to think about this for a second. Maybe I just did it as an offering to you.
God: No no, you must call Me “You” with a capital letter! Have you learned nothing about how to write for Me? I’m so glad your crops are engulfed in flames.
Chris: Yay! I helped!
God: Cain, you are herby cursed to walk the Earth forever.
Cain: I can’t die?
God: More or less, no.
Cain: I see no downside to this.
God: Trust Me; your life is about to suck from here on out.
Chris: (Raises his hand). Can I try and kill him?
God: No. Anyone who kills Cain or even attempts to kill Cain with be cursed seven times over.
Chris: Well that’d sure suck.
God: Yes. Totally My point. Now Cain, be gone from My sight.
Cain: Okay, I’m going.
God: And remember to wander aimlessly! That’s part of the punishment!
Cain: I’m gonna go see what mom and dad are up to.
Abel: (Waves). Tell them I said hi! Also that I’m dead!
God: Alright, that’s all for now. Chris, you’ve done well as snake hunter.
Chris: Do I get my shovel back?
God: Nnnno, it’s pretty stuck in Abel. I think we’ll just leave it there for now. Besides, it was only really that one snake I needed killed. I don’t even remember asking you to go kill all those snakes, but it sure was entertaining. Anyway, I’ll be seeing you.
Chris: Wait! What should I do in the meantime?
God: I don’t know; the Bible’s gonna be pretty boring for a while. Just keep track of who’s begetting whom until something big happens, ‘kay? (Gone).
Chris: Huh. Well, better get to work on this thing then. (Pulls out a book and a quill). Okay, “Genesis: Chapter 1.” No, that’s boring. “Eclipse Star: Genesis: Chapter 1.” Much better!
-And so, that was the story of Cain and Abel, or what little of it I actually remember. I probably should have written it down, but I chose to write DBZ fan fiction with my name inserted as a character instead. Dang, now it really is starting to rain. Wonder why…
Eclipse Star: Chapter 41
Recap: Last time, after Jack managed to escape the onslaught of the nine Hex-Duo robots, the others were still finding it difficult to cope with the day’s events. Derek finally came up with the solution of resting at a homeless shelter, giving Lindsey a chance to remember a happier time with Chris. But the reminiscing was extremely short lived as the group finally discovered who Hex-Duo 7 was, slamming Derek in the chest with a vicious double-footed kick and nearly killing him.
-As Clinton and the other begin to surround Hex-Duo 7 in the small room, he keeps looking about like he’s contemplating the idea of just telling them to run away instead.
Clinton: How did we let one of the robots sneak into our group?
Scott: (Too tired to really care much). Because we’re f*cking idiots. Is that what you wanted to hear?
Hex-Duo 7: (Holding his hand up, pleading for them to back away). Please understand! This isn’t what it looks like!
Danny: (Too dumbstruck to really be nervous). Um…it looks like you just killed our strongest team member.
Austin: (Hobbling over to the hole in the building, looking out to see Derek). I can’t…I can’t see straight enough right now…
Kyle: (Walks over next to Austin). Go sit down. (Squints off at Derek a few blocks down). He’s definitely not getting up. (Derek moves slightly, rolling to his side). Oh no wait, he’s fine. Well…relatively fine. See? Not dead. Leena, I owe you a Coke. (Walks back into the room).
Lindsey: (Speaking up again). Please, leave him alone. I know he’s a robot but there’s something about him that I trust.
Scott: (Smoking a cigarette again). You’re not stable enough to pass judgment right now, so go change your tampon and let the men discuss this for a bit.
Austin: (Stumbling back to a crumpled sitting position). Scott, stop. Leave the robot be. If Lindsey says he’s fine then trust her.
Kevin: Austin…are you sure about this?
Austin: If Lindsey’s sure, then I’m sure. It’s the way Chris would have wanted it.
Kevin: (Quietly nods and sighs). Alright then. (Turns to Danny and Willy). Danny, Willy, help me move Derek back inside. (The three hop out of the hole in the side of the building and run after Derek).
Clinton: You all know the next move.
Leena: Yep, keep moving. (Turns towards Hex-Duo 7). Frick, you couldn’t even give us a night of sleep? (Sigh). At least you did something useful, like shutting Derek up..
Hex-Duo 7: I’m so sorry. I’ll make this all up to you somehow, I swear it.
Kevin: (Bending down next to Derek). You alright?
Derek: (Blood’s pouring out his mouth, but he’s still alive and conscious). My ribs are completely shattered…and my…lungs are partially collapsed…do you think I’m alright?
Danny: (Excitedly chiming in). Yes!
Derek: Ghh…no Danny, I’m not. (Spits out a mouthful of blood). Now give me a hand… (They help Derek up). Let’s go.
Austin: Alright, let’s move… (Starting to fade even further. As he gets up he stumbles and falls to his side, clutching his gut).
Hex-Duo 7: I’ve got him. (Walks over to Austin). Come on; let’s get you moving.
Austin: (Hardly able to keep himself from passing out). Just because I trust you doesn’t mean I want to…
Hex-Duo 7: (Nods). Fair enough. (Hoists Austin onto his back).
* * * * *
-The Hex-Duo models are all checking around the headquarters again to see if Jack’s hiding in the rubble.
Hex-Duo 2: Nope, no sign of him anywhere, Six. He definitely slipped away.
Hex-Duo 6: Fine. Let’s cut our losses and move out already. I’m growing tired of this area anyway.
Syrus: (Standing a few yards away from the robots with his arms crossed). Having some difficulties?
–All nine Hex-Duos instantly whip around, caught completely off guard by Syrus’ voice.
Hex-Duo 6: What…?
Syrus: (Pushes himself off the chunk of cement he’s leaning against and causally walks over to the group, looking quite pleased with himself). I seem to remember hearing criticism about the difficulty of killing a few children. Not as easy as you had hoped?
Hex-Duo 6: (Calm, but still agitated). There were a few minor snags, mostly due to a defective member of our group.
Syrus: You can’t even manage your own men? For shame.
Hex-Duo 1: (Extremely defensive). Hey! Seven was a problem from the start! There was nothing-
Hex-Duo 6: (Holds up his hand and cuts One off). I’ll admit, I underestimated the resolve that we’re facing, but it’s not a mistake we’ll be making again. I’ve been purposefully going easy on the humans to see what they’re capable of firsthand. After what I’ve seen, we aren’t going to be having any more hardships.
Syrus: (Serious). So, you’re done playing then? Did you forget that your own personal enjoyment comes second to the mission you were asked to carry out?
Hex-Duo 6: (Pissed off now, pointing an accusatory finger at Syrus). Syrus, you have no grounds to speak to us like that. We take our orders from Octavious, not you.
Syrus: Which is probably why you’ve failed up until now.
Hex-Duo 3: We haven’t failed anything here buddy!
Syrus: Are the twelve dead?
Hex-Duo 4: We killed-
Syrus: (Cutting him off). Do you know where the rest of them are? (Silence). Well?
Hex-Duo 2: Well, ung, they haven’t been putting out any readings for us to follow.
Syrus: Energy trails are a foolish way to track children. They’re not smart enough to cover where they’ve been but they do have enough sense to keep themselves hidden.
Hex-Duo 4: Hey, we wounded a good portion of their team, alright?
Syrus: Did you give them any fatal wounds? Anything that would have them leaving a trail of blood?
Hex-Duo 3: Hey, they’re probably half dead from what we’ve done to ‘em, alright?
Syrus: But you don’t know for sure. I knew I shouldn’t have sent a bunch of machines to do this for me. (Begins to turn around).
Hex-Duo 6: (Gritting its teeth). How dare you!
Hex-Duo 9: (Frantic). It’s not our fault! Seven took all our data files! We didn’t know enough about the kids to make a proper assault!
Hex-Duo 6: Shut up, Nine!
Hex-Duo 9: (Shrinks back). Eep…
Syrus: So because you didn’t know all the finer details, you lost? Real warriors work in the moment, adapting, evolving, actually having to do some work for themselves instead of relying on inaccurate estimates.
Hex-Duo 6: I’ve had enough of this. Syrus, your life isn’t a priority. (Looks to the others). Destroy him!
Hex-Duo 4: (Cracks its knuckles and smiles). With pleasure.
-Hex-Duo 1 fires itself at Syrus while his back is turned
Hex-Duo 1: We’ll teach you to speak ill of us!
-Hex-Duo 1 punches at Syrus.
-Syrus puts his hand up without looking, catching the punch and stopping the robot instantly.
Hex-Duo 1: (Confused). Guh?! What?!
Syrus: (Turns his head back to face the robots. They’ve all stopped advancing as rapidly). I wouldn’t advise that.
Hex-Duo 1: Shut up!
–Syrus closes his fist around Hex-Duo 1’s hand, crushing it.
Hex-Duo 1: GAAAH!
Hex-Duo 3: (Jumps at Syrus from behind). You’ll never break us apart!
-Syrus throws his elbow back, slamming Hex-Duo 3 in the face, denting its head slightly and sending it onto its back, confused as all heck.
Hex-Duo 2: (Worriedly tapping its head). Guys, heads up here! Syrus’ hitting his stride!
Hex-Duo 6: Enough! (All the robots stop and turn back to Hex-Duo 6). Syrus, I’m not foolish enough to let you fight us right now. I know that our readings aren’t accurate on you.
Hex-Duo 4: How’s that possible?
Hex-Duo 6: He’s been hiding a great deal from Octavious, haven’t you Syrus?
Syrus: (Lets Hex-Duo 1’s hand go, finally). How very observant. Your team may be weak, but at least you yourself have some potential.
Hex-Duo 6: Right now we don’t need any more set backs. We’ll make a return to the lab and have Charles repair any damages we’ve incurred as well as reload the data files that Seven took from us.
Hex-Duo 4: (Still staring at Syrus, crouched and ready to strike). But Six, we can kill Syrus right here.
Hex-Duo 6: No. I’m not playing his game. And besides, he’s right. I can’t lead you all properly if you’re outdated, so we need to fix that. Return to the lab. That’s an order!
–All the Hex-Duo robots take off except for Six.
Syrus: No more setbacks.
Hex-Duo 6: Let me worry about my own team. You just worry about what’ll happen when Octavious decides you’re no longer useful.
-Hex-Duo 6 takes off towards Charles Robotics with the others.
Syrus: (Crosses his arms and looks down at the hospital wing crater). A whole night and they couldn’t manage to kill a single one…
* * * * *
-Kevin has taken the lead now, Danny and Willy carrying Derek, Hex-Duo 7 carrying Austin, and Kyle and Leena escorting Lindsey around the back alleys again, looking for any sort of shelter as the morning sun begins to slowly rise.
Kevin: And thus the darkness finally lifted…(Sigh). But still no respite for the weak.
Kyle: (Talking to Leena). So what d’you think we should do?
Leena: How would I know?
Kyle: Sorry, just making lighthearted conversation.
Leena: Yeah, asking about my opinion for how best to survive a massive conflict is what I consider lighthearted.
Scott: (Bringing up the rear at his own pace). So at least that’s one night down. Not too bad, considering we only had one member killed, one gone missing, and two about ready to die. Could be worse.
Lindsey: (Looking more exhausted than anyone else, just kinda drifting about as Kyle and Leena lead her around). Yeah, could be much worse. I mean, they could find us at any second and kill us. No warning, just kill us. And then we’d be dead. Dead. Dead dead dead. Could be worse.
-Everyone’s unsure of how to handle Lindsey’s rapid progression into senility.
Scott: (Pause). See princess, that’s the spirit.
Leena: (Breaking). Why the hell couldn’t you have been killed?!
Lindsey: (Just muttering to herself now). Dead.
Scott: I’m sorry; I guess I was too busy watching you run away to have enough time to get killed.
Kyle: Hey, leave her alone; she’s just a girl, alright?
Leena: Oh, so you don’t think I could take care of myself?
Danny: You were running pretty hard to get away.
Willy: Yeah, while the rest of us were looking out for each other.
Scott: (Points at Danny). Pff, you two were just concerned about your partnership being broken up.
Danny: Well someone had to look after Willy! No one else seems to care!
Willy: (Turns on Danny). Don’t make it sound like you’re just doing me a favor! (The two start arguing).
Scott: Hah, look at the cute couple bicker.
Lindsey: (Starting to lose it again). Dead…
Clinton: Hey, we should be finding a place to rest.
Leena: Oh and now you’re the leader huh?
Scott: Affirmative action at it’s worst.
Clinton: (Gets right up in Scott’s face). What did you say to me?!
Hex-Duo 7: (Quietly speaking up). I don’t really think he meant anything by it…
Danny and Willy: Hey shut up, robot!
Leena: Yeah, if it weren’t for your kind we wouldn’t be running around in the middle of the night carrying bodies around, looking for a storm drain to die in!
Lindsey: (Just sobbing again). Both dead…
Hex-Duo 7: (Also very defensive). I’ve done nothing but help you all since the attack!
Scott: Hmph, probably just help us die faster.
Lindsey: You don’t know that!
–At this point everyone’s arguing amongst themselves except for Derek, who’s unconscious, Austin, who’s too weak to say anything, and Kevin.
Kevin: (Finally losing it and shouting at everyone). THAT’S IT!
–Everyone shuts up instantly. Kevin’s quivering as he speaks, looking like he could either start weeping or killing at any second.
Kevin: How can any of you stand to live like this?! Right now all we have is each other and you’re trying to throw even that away?! Chris is gone. Jack is gone. We’re not! We have a chance to salvage something from this and all you can do is argue about petty things. We need to rest and we need to heal and we need to forgive! Whether we die now or years from now it doesn’t matter because we’re alive now and we have only God and each other to thank for that. (Still shaking with anger). Why can’t any of you see that?!
-Kevin finally stops and drops his arms. Everyone else is too ashamed to say anything.
Kyle: He’s right.
Leena: Well, of course he’s right. (Stops). Sorry.
Scott: Dang it, well don’t I look like an ass.
-Everyone softly apologies to everyone else.
Hermit: (Pops his head out from a window a few stories up above them). Hey! What’re you kids doing out so late?! Don’t you know there’s killer robots on the loose?!
Kevin: (Everyone’s too dumbstruck to say anything). The hermit from the desert?
Hermit: I’ll bet you all could use a place to stay for a while. (Waves his hand at them). Well come on then, up the fire escape. (They don’t seem to move). What’re you waiting for? A door mat? Come on!
–Everyone finally starts moving up the fire escape, with Kevin waiting a few extra seconds.
Kevin: Thank you…
Hermit: (Smiles at Kevin). Hey, I told you they’d listen if you spoke up, didn’t I? Now come on, it’s almost light outside.
* * * * *
-Jack is badly injured but through some miracle he’s not dead. He’s trudging his way around the southern part of the city, miles and miles from the Legion’s ruined base.
-He finally notices that it’s almost light outside.
Jack: Daybreak. (Checks his watch). And no sign of the others. At least that’s good. I assume they found a place for the night.
–Presses his back against the side of a building and slides down to a sitting position, finally exhaling heavily.
Jack: Now let’s see how far I’ve gotten… (Looks out around he corner at the street sign). 72nd and Autumn. Good, I’m close. (Forces himself up again). Come on Jack, you can rest when you’re there. (Presses on). Few more blocks, that’s it.
–The blocks go quick as he limps along, ready to drop from just about anything.
Jack: Come on 75th… (Looks up and sees an apartment building). Finally.
-Jack walks up to the intercom and presses a few buttons.
-A few dial tones later and someone finally picks up.
Voice: Good God, it’s like 5:45 in the morning; who is it?
Jack: It’s Jack.
Voice: What? Jack? What the hell are you doing here?
Jack: Just buzz me up. I’ll tell you later.
–A long pause goes by as Jack taps his foot.
-Finally the door buzzes and Jack throws the door open, moving inside and closing the door quickly behind him.
-After a good half dozen flights of stairs, a man in pajamas and a robe meets Jack.
Jack: Good ta see ya bro.
Man: (Upon seeing Jack he rushes over and grabs him just as Jack about falls over). The hell happened to you?
Jack: Inside. And put on some coffee; it’ll be a long story.
* * * * *
Jack: (Sitting on a couch, a blanket draped over him, fresh clothes and bandages on, sipping coffee). Thanks again for this.
Man: Don’t worry about it. You were basically passed out for the last hour though while I cleaned you up a bit. (Sits down in a chair in front of Jack). So are ya gonna tell me what’s up?
Jack: (Sets his mug down on the coffee table). Yeah, I’ll fill you in. Last night the Legion’s Trillium headquarters was attacked by ten robots calling themselves the Hex-Duo. Their targets were myself and the others that’ve been bothering the Regime so much. They took the complex by surprise, killing a countless number of soldiers, not to mention…
Man: Not to mention what?
Jack: (Taking this harder than he expected himself to be). The Commander’s dead.
Jack: Yeah. The lead robot killed him. Shot him through the chest and then snapped his neck for good measure. I escaped along with most of the others, but I went back to look for survivors.
Jack: (Quietly shakes his head). None. I was attacked by the robots again. Seems they’re able to track us. You wouldn’t happen to know much about that now would you, Nate?
Nate: Come on Jack, you think they tell just anyone about the important missions?
Jack: I don’t know, you tell me. You’re my only connection to the Regime; help me out a bit here.
Nate: Sorry man, they didn’t tell me anything. I’m just a low level soldier and I’m not even on active duty this week.
Jack: All I know is that the Regime created a bunch of robots that know way too much about us. They know our powers and a fair amount of our memories.
Nate: Hold on, they know about your memories?
Jack: Yep, I heard them talking about translating three month’s worth of our memories into their data banks.
Nate: (Figures out something and stumbles back out of his chair). Then that means they know about our conversations! They’ll come here looking for you!
Jack: Don’t worry; I didn’t put you in danger. One of the robots is blocking the memories files from being accessed. I wouldn’t have come here unless I knew that fact.
Nate: You know for sure?
Jack: (Taps his ear). You know me. I planted a bug on ‘em so I could hear what they were talking about. The damn thing shorted out pretty quick but I heard enough to know that for the moment we’re safe.
Nate: (Sits back down, although he looks uneasy). Why would you go look for survivors anyway?
Jack: I was looking for that one guy, Chris; you know the one I’d been telling you about?
Nate: They finally killed him?
Jack: Seems that way. (Looks away from Nate). And if I find out you’re the one they heard that from I’ll kill you.
Nate: You know you can trust me Jack. Come on, you need some rest. Let’s get you some medicine and a place to sleep.
Jack: (Slowly starts to pass out again). Sleep sounds wonderful…
To Be Continued…
*Author’s note: Here is the beast. During my senior year of high school I submitted “My Buddy Jesus” to the theatre department as a one act for the festival. It was rejected for obvious reasons. The next day I submitted this one act, titled “God’s Playing Poker.” It soon became a hit. This is not the original script, but rather an updated version over the years with more content added. It’s gone through multiple drafts and a filmed version was made, though the footage has since been lost after two failed attempts to convert it to a DVD, including one moment of a teacher erasing everything a mere hour before it was to be viewed for a final project. Regardless, the premise is pretty standard, though you’ll be able to see where some jokes continue from or even begin, as well as some themes that appear throughout. The main goal was to entertain and to give people something to enjoy. So, I recommend you take that advice and enjoy.
Gods Playing Poker
Written By Chris Pranger
God: Main character. God has a temper at times. When he gets mad, he talks faster.
Jesus: Son of God; acts like a teenager for the most part. Very innocent and fun loving but annoyed with God.
Lucifer: Soft-spoken and sneaky. She hates just about everyone, especially God, although seems very civil towards Buddha. Played by a woman.
Buddha: Laid back and calm all the time. Doesn’t speak much but whenever he does it’s usually important and clearly stated. Sounds smarter than everyone else by using larger words.
Santa Claus: Big fat jerk. Jesus and Santa do not get along at all. Although Santa has an image of being a kindhearted man, he actually takes great joy in making fun of others and enjoys the sinful pleasures. Santa is smoking a cigar.
Chris: Jesus’ friend from Earth. Chris comes to visit Jesus for the night and ends up joining the poker game. He is witty and thought provoking, yet is still only human. Can be played by either a boy or a girl.
Setting: There is a large table set up center stage. There are 6 chairs around it. There is a refrigerator on stage left and a coat rack on stage right with various jackets and coats on it, namely Santa’s jacket. God sits at the head of the table, Santa is to his right, Buddha is to his left. To Santa’s right is Lucifer. There are chips and drinks on the table as well as poker chips and money. A game of poker is already in progress.
God: Haha, so it seems that I win again.
Lucifer: No surprise there, God…
God: Silence, wicked one!
Santa: I haven’t been here for more than an hour and already I’m near broke. This is frigging ridiculous.
Buddha: Gentlemen, gentlemen, let us just take solace in the fact that we have a chance to get together and reminisce. There’s rarely any free time in the world anymore, what with everyone asking things of us.
Santa: (Thinking of a select wish) I wish for a bike…
God: (Thinking of a select wish) I wish for world peace…
Lucifer: (Thinking) I wish I could earn Microsoft a few extra bucks…
Buddha: God, I hear that you’ve raised a fine son. Where is he tonight? Why isn’t he here playing poker with us?
God: He’s in his room again playing some sort of video game. Jesus! (No answer.) JESUS! Get in here!
Jesus: (Comes storming in from off stage left. He has headphones on.) Darn it dad, I’m playin’ Grand Theft Auto in there. What’d you need?
God: Grand Theft Auto?! You know I don’t like those sorts of games! Why aren’t you playing your Nintendo like a good boy?
Jesus: Dad, no one calls it a “Nintendo” anymore unless they’re from the 60’s, and everyone makes fun of me for playing anything make by Nintendo. They say that all the games they make are for children.
Santa: Yet the only thing kids ask for on their Christmas list are games that involve killing hookers…
God: What? That’s crazy! Didn’t you explain that it’s not a kiddy system but rather a family fun experience?
Jesus: Yes, and all they do is laugh and play Grand Theft Auto, so that’s all I can play to be part of the “In Crowd.” I don’t have anyone who’s willing to play those kiddie games with me.
God: What about that foolish mortal kid…(Snaps his fingers in thought). What’s his face…uh…uh…Chris?
Jesus: Well that’s true. He’s actually supposed to be here any time, too.
Lucifer: Good, he can play poker with us.
Jesus: No, we’re gonna go hang out in my room.
God: Nonsense! You’ll sit with your ol’ dad and play a game for once.
Jesus: Uh…Chris should be here by now. (Keeps checking his watch and tapping his foot impatiently). Why’s he so late?
God: Go down there and look for him – it’ll save time.
Jesus: Oh no, I’m not going back there. You remember what happened last time I went to Earth?
Lucifer: I do.
Jesus: Does this refresh any memories dad? (Poses in the crucifix pose.)
God: There you go, making a martyr of yourself again. (Doorbell rings.) Good, that must be him. (God’s voice booms out). Come forth, mortal! (Thunder sounds go off and the lights flash as God throws his arms up).
Chris: (Walks in from off stage right.) I don’t think I’m ever gonna get used to that.
Jesus: Hey Chris, ‘bout time you found me.
Chris: Yeah, your house isn’t exactly the easiest house to locate on the block…
Jesus: Well now that you’re here, what say we go hang out in my room?
God: (Very sly) What say you play a game of poker with us…? (Slowly shuffling the cards.)
Chris: Hah, I’m not much for poker. I suck at that game.
Lucifer: We all do. God sees to it. (Pulls out a cigarette and lights it.)
God: Lucifer, those things’ll kill you.
Lucifer: (Takes a puff) I’ll just sue the tobacco industry when that time comes.
God: I said those things’ll kill you! (Points at Lucifer who immediately starts to gasp for air and puts out her cigarette. God smiles.) Much better. Now where were we?
Buddha: We were offering Chris an invitation to our competition of cards. Please, pull up a seat here next to me.
Chris: Sure, I guess I’ve got time for one game, but I’m telling you all, I really suck. (Sits down between God and Buddha.)
God: Son? You want to play too? (Makes a pouty face.)
Jesus: (Sighs) Okay, but I am not going to sit next to him. (Looks over at Santa.)
Santa: Oh, what is with that?
Jesus: You ruined my birthday and you know it!
Santa: Get over yourself! You have two holidays and still that’s not enough for you, you spoiled brat!
Jesus: What?! Easter is hardly a holiday! Oh goody, we celebrate the day that I was reborn by having a rabbit hide multi-colored eggs all over. Makes complete sense, except for the fact that it DOESN’T.
Santa: First off he’s not a rabbit, he’s a bunny and a good very friend of mine, and secondly, your birthday isn’t even in December, it’s in the summer time!
Jesus: So, I could have been born in December if I felt like it!
Santa: You’re just bitter because you only get one present for your birthday because it also counts as your Christmas present, too.
Jesus: What?! Forget you! I don’t need gifts! Dad, deal me a hand, I’m in. (Sits down between God and Santa.)
God: Excellent. (Begins shuffling the cards really fancy and deals quickly.) Okay, gentlemen, the name of the game is five-card stud. Minimum bet is $5. Let the games begin.
Lucifer: You mean resume?
God: Don’t test me Lucifer; you’re walkin’ a thin line as it is.
Lucifer: I suggest one little thing to you and you send me to Hell. That’s really fair…
God: You suggested that you should take my job! I believe your exact wording was “Screw you, God, I could do your job better than your, ahem, expletive deleted, expletive deleted.”
Lucifer: Yeah, something like that. (Looks over towards Buddha.) You know, Buddha, you look like you’ve lost weight since I last saw you.
Buddha: Oh ho, you flatter me. I’ve been trying out that Atkin’s Diet, which is most difficult as I am a vegetarian. I have been considering liposuction, though.
Chris: Wouldn’t they call that an exorcism? (Looks around smiling, proud of his joke. No one seems to get it.)
Lucifer: I don’t get it.
Chris: It’s because he’s a deity. You see, it’s like the fat has possessed him and…it’s really funny if you think about it…
Lucifer: I just find that offensive.
Santa: You would.
Lucifer: Shut up, fat boy.
Santa: You shut it, reject.
God: Enough! (Slams his fist down on the table.) Ante up, boys.
Buddha: Aha, I believe that I shall wager five extra dollars on this hand.
Santa: I’ll see your five and raise you five.
God: I see both your fives and raise you… (Checks his pockets; they are empty.) I will raise you the state of Minnesota.
Chris: What? You can’t do that!
God: I’m God; I do what I want when I want!
Lucifer: Oh please, don’t wager any more states again. You remember what happened with Utah?
God: Last time I play poker with Joseph Smith…
Jesus: I’ll see your Minnesota and raise you another five dollars.
Chris: What say we just call before this gets too absurd and you start wagering souls or something.
(God and Lucifer start laughing.)
God: That was a fun night indeed!
Lucifer: We each must have bet over a thousand souls that night!
Buddha: (Lays cards down on the table.) Oh my. I don’t believe I have much of anything to speak of other than two pair.
Jesus: Same here. (Lays cards down.)
Santa: (Lays cards down.) Three of a kind, all ladies.
Lucifer: Sorry, but I do believe I outdo your queens with my trip aces.
Chris: Haha! Read ‘em and weep boys, er, Gods. (Throws down cards on the table.) I’ve got me a royal flush if I’m not mistaken. God, let’s see what you’ve got up your sleeve.
God: So sorry Chris, but my hand seems to beat your royal flush. (Lays cards down on the table.)
Chris: A seven, three, nine, two, and Jack?
God: Yes, a holy flush.
ALL: Gah! (Throw their cards down.)
Chris: First good hand I get in my life and I had to be playing against God. Fantastic.
Jesus: Okay Chris, I think we’ve spent enough time out here; let’s head towards my room for a while.
God: Oh, don’t hog him all for yourself, son. Let’s play another round!
Jesus: Darn it, dad, you always do this to me!
God: Do what?
Jesus: Every time that I get a new friend, you feel the need to use our friendship to get closer to the person and you chase them away from us both with your smothering. I’ve seen you do it again and again and again.
God: Oh come now, I don’t do that… do I?
Buddha: Sorry God, but you do have a habit of scaring believers away.
God: I smother ‘cause I love.
Lucifer: You go overboard and if they don’t listen to you down to the minutest detail then you snap and send ‘em over to my place. You seem to use Jesus here to lead them to you and then push them away as soon as they get close. It’s a vicious trend.
Jesus: See, that’s why I’m Jewish.
Chris: Well, this is certainly awkward…
(Everyone is staring blankly at the ground.)
Buddha: (Finally breaking the silence.) Anyone up for Trivial Pursuit?
ALL: Yeah, sure, you bet cha, etc. (Improv reactions.)
God: I’ll get the box. (Reaches behind his back and pulls out a Trivial Pursuit box.)
Jesus: I call blue!
Santa: Screw you, I call red!
Lucifer: Rock, Paper, Scissors for it.
Lucifer: (They play Rock, Paper, Scissors.) I win.
Santa: What the heck is this? (Makes an odd hand gesture.)
Lucifer: Steam shovel.
Chris: Now that’s a darn good choice.
Santa: So how’s this game played?
God: (Reading the rules of the game.) Well, from what I gather, all you have to do to win the game is answer trivia questions correctly. Hm, doesn’t sound too difficult. (Pulls a card out from the box.) “What Russian novel embracing over 500 characters was set during the Napoleonic war?”
Chris: Hmm…War and Peace. (Grabs the box.) You know…this may sound a tad bit paranoid, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you know all the answers, God.
God: Oh come now, surely you don’t really believe that I know all the answers?
Lucifer: You do have that omnipotence thing goin’ for ya.
Chris: Man, that omnipotence thing would be sweet.
God: Actually, omnipotence means all-powerful. What you mean is omniscience, which means all-knowing.
Chris: See, this is kinda my point…
Lucifer: Why don’t we just play a game that involves no real skill?
Jesus: I’ve got Monopoly in my room. We could play that.
Buddha: A fine idea!
Jesus: Uno momento por favor. (Exits stage left.)
God: I don’t really take his friends away from him, do I?
ALL: Yep, uh-huh, indeed, etc. (More improv answers.)
Lucifer: I still don’t get why a mortal like you is friends with Jesus. What makes you so special?
Chris: Oh plenty of things, such as the ability to do this. (Does the removing thumb magic trick.)
Lucifer: Hah, that’s nothing.
Chris: I can do much more than that.
Santa: Bah, like what?
Chris: Like your mother.
Lucifer: Hahahahaha, I like this kid. You’d make a good sidekick.
Chris: Sorry, I play no man’s sidekick.
Lucifer: So? I’m a woman.
Chris: Um… I never really noticed.
Buddha: Chris, how could you overlook such an important detail?
Chris: It just never caught my attention I guess; I just naturally assumed that Lucifer would be a woman. (Looks over at Lucifer). No offense of course.
God: You know, Lucifer isn’t really a woman. She’s not really anything for that matter.
Chris: I’m not following you.
God: *sigh* Of course you don’t follow; I’m the one with all the scary answers, aren’t I? Lucifer has no gender, she was born an angel and angels don’t get genders. Once she moved out on her own she assumed the female gender seeing as how she knew that she could piss off the most people that way.
Buddha: Yes, no male would ever take offense from learning that Satan is a man since that is the overwhelming perception, but to learn that Satan is actually a female instantly angers every woman on Earth.
Chris: Oohoo, tricky tricky. You’re a clever one there Lucy.
Lucifer: Oh why thank you. See God, at least someone appreciates my abilities.
God: (Not paying any attention to her). Oh, what’s that Lucifer? I’m sorry, I was too busy creating a new species of mammal that can speak French. Have you created anything worthwhile lately?
Lucifer: Arg, I hate you sometimes, and this is one of those times…
God: Jesus Christ is taking a long time in there. Jesus! Hurry up, we’ve been waiting all eternity in here for you!
Santa: Yeah! Heysuess, get a move on it before I call the border police! Hahaha…
Chris: (To Santa). You’re kinda a jerk there aren’t you?
Santa: You deal with kids all day and you’ll hate people, too.
Jesus: (From off stage.) I’m going as fast as I can in here dad, and Santa, you can go fornicate yourself with a wooden spoon! My room’s kinda cluttered at the moment so just have some patience for once, alright dad?!
God: I’ve got endless patience… (Jumps out of his chair and yells toward Jesus’ direction.) Bah! Get your holy self out here!
Chris: Heh, I get it…
Jesus: I’m workin’ on it! Okay, I’ve found my Monopoly stash, which version do we want?
Buddha: What are our choices?
Jesus: We’ve got Star Wars Monopoly, Lord of the Rings Monopoly, Batmanopoly, Spidermanopoly, Pokemonopoly, Football Monopoly, Baseball Monopoly, Rugby Monopoly, Beaver-opoly, Hillsboro-opoly, Mono-opoly, Mormonopoly, Child’s Edition, Senior’s Edition, Brail Edition, Deft Edition, Cannibopoly, Pornopoly, Lorena Bobopoly, Japanopoly, Rolex Edition, Anorexic Edition, Dyslexic Edition, and the Game of Life.
God: What about just plain Monopoly?
Jesus: Oh, you mean classic? I don’t have that one. I’ll go check your room.
God: Oh you’re kidding me!
Chris: Mind if I grab something from the fridge?
God: That’s fine with me.
Chris: Why thank you. (Starts to get up.)
God: No, no, sit, I insist. I’ll get it for you. (Turns towards Lucifer.) Hey Lucifer, get the mortal a drink. (She’s not moving). Lucifer! Up! Drink! Get!
Lucifer: Why am I always the brunt of your aggression? This can’t be healthy. My psychologist says that you’re doing immense damage to my mental state through your thoughtless actions.
God: Would you like some cheese with your whine? (Convulses with laughter over his lame joke. No one else laughs.)
Lucifer: See, this is exactly why I hate you… (Gets up and grabs a drink from the fridge. He then tosses it over to Chris.)
Jesus: (Comes back in with Monopoly.) I’ve got the game! I call the shoe piece!
Chris: I’ll be the dog.
Santa: I want the train.
God: Nope, sorry but I get the train.
Lucifer: But I wanted the choo-choo…
God: Hah! Look at Lucifer with her choo-choo! Hahaha!
Lucifer: (Standing up, furious.) Dammit God, this is what I’m talking about!
God: (Also standing up, furious.) Hey! You watch your language in my house!
Lucifer: I’ll say what I wanna say!
(God and Lucifer get into an argument that quickly becomes indecipherable.)
Buddha: (Stands up and breaks them apart.) Both of you sit down now! (Smacks God and Lucifer. The others are in shock.) Now sit down and act like civilized creatures before I really get mad! (God and Lucifer sit down slowly.) You two have some unresolved issues that you should resolve like adults, and yet you’re acting like politicians.
God and Lucifer: (Quietly) Sorry…
Buddha: (Hands at his hips.) God, do you have something that you’d like to say to Lucifer?
God: I’m… I’m sorry for insulting your intelligence and choice in lifestyle…
Buddha: And Lucifer, what have you to say to God?
Lucifer: I’m sorry for overacting and for the whole trying to take over heaven thing…
Buddha: (Smiles big) Good. Now, as I was saying… I get the choo-choo.
All but Chris and Jesus: What! No! Forget you! Etc! (Yet more improv lines.)
Chris: So who’s gonna be the banker and the property manager?
Lucifer: I’ll take that job. I’ve gained a pretty good understanding of how banking and land ownership works over my years.
(They all start to play while the one act continues on.)
God: So Chris, how has school been?
Jesus: Here we go again…
Chris: Oh, it’s going, just great. I mean, it’s not like school could ever get boring, right?
God: Good, good. Anything new in your life?
Chris: Nope, just hangin’ out mostly. Trying my best to get a job.
God: Ohhh. Jesus, you hear that? Chris is looking for a job.
Jesus: Dang it, not this again. I told you, I’ve been looking, but nowhere’s hiring.
Santa: You could always come work for me; I’ve got plenty of room in my workshops.
Jesus: Thanks but no thanks. I’d rather not support child labor.
Santa: Oh come on, the little S-O-B’s have got to earn their toys somehow.
Lucifer: When I was talking to the manager of Wal-Mart the other week, he told me they were hiring. You could always go check there.
Jesus: Meh, working with the general public just isn’t my thing.
Santa: Try a job at the local adult store. Customers there go out of their way not to talk to you. Plus the majority of the stores are actually pretty clean inside… (Everyone turns to him accusingly). Oh, um, (cough) from what I hear anyway…
God: So Chris, have you had any luck finding a job?
Chris: Not really. I assume it’s all part of your plan though, right?
Jesus: Oh no…
God: Why is it that whenever something bad happens you mortals always blame me?
Chris: Is it her fault then? (Points over towards Lucifer.)
Lucifer: Hey, leave me out of this. I’ve been a good girl lately.
Santa: That’s surprisingly true; I checked my list.
Jesus: How cliché…
Santa: Bah, go suck a lemon…
Chris: You know what they say: “When God gives you lemons…”
God: I HATE that phrase! You humans are all the same. If something good happens, then you say it must have been good fortune, but if something bad happens, then it must have been part of God’s plan. (Mockingly) Oh my, I lost my job. It must be part of God’s plan. Oh no, I got a divorce. It must be part of God’s plan. Oh dear, Timmy was hit by a bus. It must have been part of God’s plan.
Lucifer: Why is Timmy such a popular name in hypothetical situations?
God: Because Timmy is a great name. (Shakes his head and focuses again). Doesn’t matter. The bottom line is, I don’t meddle in human affairs. In the beginning…
(God pulls out a Bible from nowhere and starts reading. His Bible is titled “My Diary”. Everyone but Chris moans).
Jesus: Oh man, not this story again… (Looks towards Chris). Ya see what you did?
God: In the beginning, I created the heavens and the Earth and the sky and the oceans and the plants and the animals, and you know, it was good, because I said so. And on the sixth day, I created Adam and Eve. When I created them, I gave them something called free will, or as I like to call it, “auto pilot”, and I rested on the seventh day by watching the Super Bowl.
Lucifer: Aha, Super Bowl Genesis, that was a good one. We almost beat you guys that year.
God: Yeah, almost. Anyway, I gave Adam and Eve the Garden of Eden and said be free and have fun, but don’t eat the fruit from one specific tree. You’d think that’d be fair, right? They could eat anything else they wanted to, just not the fruit from that one tree.
Chris: What was so special about that one tree?
God: Nothing, that’s the point. I just said, “Here’s paradise, don’t eat that fruit, see you in a week,” and left it at that. Do you know what they did?
Chris: They ate the fruit…?
God: They ate the fruit! Did I tell them to eat the fruit? Did I make them eat the fruit? No! They screwed up on their own!
Chris: Wait…didn’t the fruit represent knowledge?
God: Sure, whatever, and when has knowledge ever made anyone happy?
Chris: Point taken.
God: Let’s take another example. (Flips through the bible a few pages.) “And I said to Noah build an ark with which to float above the flood and take with you two of every animal, and as many people as you can convince to come along with you.”
Chris: Wait, wait…I thought the point of the flood was to purge sinners from the earth?
God: It was! But Noah was supposed to do his best to convince the others that they shouldn’t screw up so much. I do have a reputation for giving people endless second chances you know.
Chris: The Bible never said anything about that…
God: That’s because Noah got drunk to celebrate the completion of his ark and forgot to tell anyone about what was gonna happen. He screwed up! Did I make him forget? Was that part of my plan? No! He screwed up! And what’s worse, he forgot to grab two unicorns for the trip! (Looks dreamily into the sky). I’ll miss those little guys…
Chris: The Bible never said anything about all of this…
(All laugh except Chris.)
God: You expect the Bible to be an exact telling of what happened? I told humans to write the Bible and you know what they did?
Chris: They screwed up…?
God: They screwed up!
Chris: That would make sense…
God: Of course it does! So whenever someone says, “It must have been part of God’s plan,” do you know what it really means?
Chris: They screwed up…?
God: They screwed up!
Chris: Oh, I get it. So David was able to kill Goliath because Goliath screwed up?
Chris: And the Israelites were able to escape because Pharaoh screwed up?
Chris: And George Bush won the 2000 election because Florida screwed up?!
God: (Cough) No that was actually my fault…but the next one was totally all you guys.
Chris: So which religion is the right choice? I mean there are so many different ones to choose from, which one do you agree with the most?
God: That’s a sensitive issue Chris, an issue that would be much too serious and controversial for anyone if they were to be watching this conversation. (Mockingly turns towards the audience).
Buddha: God, just explain your position on religion to the child. I think he can handle it.
Chris: Thank you Buddha, but I’m not exactly a child anymore, I’m officially an adult.
Lucifer: *snicker* I doubt that you’re really a man.
Chris: Well I doubt that you’re really a woman.
God: I’ll determine if you’re a man or not Chris. One question.
God: Are you circumcised?
Chris: Ahem, what does that have to do with it?
God: Simple question, yes or no?
Chris: You already know though, you’re always watching right?
God: I only watch when you’re wearing clothes.
Chris: You don’t watch people when they’re nude?
God: Well not men. Santa, you usually keep a watchful eye ‘round the clock, right?
Jesus: Sounds like tendencies of a stalker…
Santa: We prefer the term “Professional Obervationist,” and no, I don’t know the condition of Chris’ member.
Chris: Come here God, I’ll tell you… (Whispers in his ear.)
God: Chris, in my eyes you are not a man.
Chris: What?! Just because I’m not circumcised?!
God: No, because you still run around the house on the weekend in your underwear singing the Batman theme song. I just wanted you to admit that out loud. Don’t you feel better now?
Chris: *cough* (Quickly sits down.)
Jesus: Wow… And I thought I knew you man…
Chris: Shut up! At least I’ve still got the tip of my penis!
Jesus: Ooh, low blow… (Santa opens his mouth as if to speak.) Don’t say it…
Chris: Well if you’re not going to tell me which religion is correct will you at least tell me the meaning of life?
Buddha: Come now God, you owe him at least that much to satisfy his thirst for enlightenment.
God: Nope, he’s not worthy.
Chris: Preposterous! I’m totally worthy!
God: Fine, prove me wrong then.
God: Yeah, go ahead and prove me wrong. Find a fallacy in any of my arguments throughout time. Go ahead, I dare you.
Jesus: Ooh, tough challenge.
Chris: Pff, okay, yeah, I’ll totally blow your mind with some even more flawless logic.
Santa: He’s gonna choke…
Chris: Shush. (Starts thinking really hard, looking as if he’s about to explode from excess thinking).
Buddha: Oh my, I do not believe he appears all too well.
Jesus: He’s gonna pop…
Chris: I’VE GOT IT! (Everyone jumps back a bit). Okay, so God, you claim that your followers should trust you, love you, and worship you and you alone, correct?
God: Yes, ideally.
Chris: Yet those who truly devote themselves to you end up going through trials and tests on a regular basis, also correct?
God: Some would say that.
Chris: (Pacing around the stage at this point, believing his argument to be fantastic). Now I believe it was Jesus who made the claim that a kingdom divided amongst itself cannot stand. Is this true?
Jesus: Yeah, I did say that a few times. (Smiles and looks at Santa, distinguished). I was the master of the one-liner in my day you know.
Chris: And God, do you not consider everyone your children and, as such, part of your kingdom?
God: I do, yes.
Chris: AHA! Then in the process of forcing these believers into trials and tests, you are forcing them to prove themselves again and again and in doing so, you are battling your own kingdom! Thus your kingdom is divided amongst itself and by your very own logic it cannot stand! (Pointing straight into the air to make a point, feeling himself victorious and great). What say ye?!
(There is silence for a second, then everyone but Chris erupts with laugher).
God: Hahahaha, that has to be one of the dumbest theories I’ve ever heard! (Points at Lucifer). Did you tell him to say that?
Lucifer: Haha, no, I would have come up with something much better.
Chris: But…flawless logic…
God: You gave it a good shot kid, but I don’t punish good people with misfortune. There is such a thing as coincidence in the world; you should learn to notice the subtle difference.
Buddha: God, he did try ever so hard to please you. Would you not agree that he deserves to learn the secret of life?
God: Yeah alright, he’s given me a good enough laugh.
God: Okay, come ‘ere… (Starts whispering into Chris’ ear.)
Chris: (Shocked). Wow, I never knew sock puppets played such a big part in the grand scheme of things.
Jesus: Just wait until you find out how important cantaloupe is.
Santa: And thus, everyone learned a lesson. (checks watch) Ho ho ho man, I should get goin’. The missus’ll start wondering where I am. I told her I was going out to get the mail three days ago. (Gets up and walks over to the coat rack. He grabs his coat and puts it on.)
Buddha: It is getting rather late. I ought to be returning to my place in the heavens before anyone starts to wonder where I went. (Gets up and starts to walk towards the coat rack.)
Lucifer: And I’ve got to meet with the president of the FOX network in half an hour. It’s sweeps week. (Also gets up and walks towards the coat rack. Santa, Buddha and Lucifer all wave goodbye as they exit stage right.)
God: Oh, come on guys, the night is young! Hey, we could go appear in people’s food and mess with their heads! You guys love doing that!
Jesus: Dad, just let ‘em go. That joke’s getting old anyway.
Chris: Come on Jesus; let’s go hang out in your room.
Jesus: Good idea.
Chris: Thanks for a pleasant evening Mr. God. We’ll have to do it again sometime. (He and Jesus get up and exit stage left).
God: Hey come back! (Sitting all alone.) Ah man, I was just about to win, too… (Knocks over the Monopoly game. As lights fade to black…) Hey I wonder if my old college buddy Zeus is in town…?
Chris and the Story of the Nativity
As it so happens, this Christmas thing is actually based off of a very significant event in history. A lot of people argue that it’s all about gifts and commercialism. Others say that it finds its basis as a way of converting the Pagans into Christians. But in actually, before any possible conversion or ill-conceived gift-giving, it was all about a man. A great man. A close friend of mine actually. This man was named Jesus, and he was awesome. During one of my many travels of the Earth I came upon this event as it occurred so many years ago. At this point close to 2 thousand, but who’s really counting other than the Catholics? I found myself in Jerusalem all those years ago passing by a random conversation I heard between a hottie and an angel…
Chris: (Walking down the streets of Jerusalem, strutting as usual). Alright then, what should I do today? It seems that there isn’t really much to do these days except wander around. Meh, might as well wander while I’m at it.
Mary: (In an alleyway talking to an angel). You’re kidding me! I can’t be pregnant!
Chris: Hey, now this sounds promising. (Wanders down this alleyway).
Angel: I know, this sounds bad, but trust me, you are pregnant and you will have a healthy son.
Mary: But I’m a virgin!
Chris: Aren’t we all…?
Mary: Don’t you have to do…things…to become pregnant.
Chris: Yeah angel, we’re all a bit curious how this happened, and also how it usually happens, so why not explain this for everyone who’s confused?
Angel: Normally, yes, you’ve gotta do the deed for this to happen. However, in this instant it so happens that God has chosen you Mary to be the vessel for his son.
Mary: I’ve been knocked up by God?!
Angel: In so many words…yes.
Chris: What, God couldn’t just ask her nicely?
Angel: God doesn’t do things that way.
Chris: Oh, he’s in a fraternity huh?
Mary: Well then…what do I do now?
Angel: I’m gonna say…basically lay off smoking and drinking for a while. Also, don’t let the baby die…ever.
Chris: That’ll be easier said than done.
Angel: So um…I’ll see you in a few months…
Mary: What’ll I do until then?
Angel: Don’t screw up. (Disappears).
Mary: This is too much to handle…I feel so alone…
Chris: You know, I don’t really have anything I have to do for the next nine months…
Joseph: (Walking out from the building). Mary, what’s wrong?
Chris: Who’s this guy?
Joseph: I’m her husband.
Chris: Oh crap.
Mary: Joseph, I have something to tell you…
Joseph: What is it?
Mary: You know how we always wanted a child?
Joseph: Yes, and I also remember you telling me that you wanted to wait a long, long time for that child.
Mary: Oh don’t worry, we were totally gonna do it…eventually.
Joseph: Right right.
Mary: Well I just found out something important.
Joseph: What’s happened?
Mary: I don’t really know how to say this…
Chris: God totally tapped your sexy wife.
Joseph: What?! Da hell?!
Chris: I know, we were all a little heartbroken about it.
Mary: And I was told that I would have to remain a virgin forever so we can never consummate the marriage.
Chris: I don’t remember that…
Mary: (Smiles and elbows Chris in the ribs). Shuuuut-uuuup…
Joseph: I suppose this could be worse. At least Satan didn’t get to you first.
Satan: (Walking down the street with some flowers and some chocolates). Alright, just play it cool and…(Looks around). Why’s everyone already in the alleyway?
Chris: Mary’s pregnant with God’s child.
Satan: That jerk! I totally called dibs!
Chris: Trust me, we’re all heartbroken. (Notices the flowers and candy). What’s with the sappy gifts?
Satan: I’m old fashioned and God’s a douche`. (Storms off).
Joseph: So now what?
Mary: I don’t know.
Chris: Hey, let’s all go celebrate this new addition to our family with a game of Scattegories. Huh? Anyone?
Nine Months Later…
Chris: Alright everyone, I don’t wanna be a killjoy or anything but it seems that Caesar thinks that you’re trying to outdo him with that baby of yours or something like that. I wasn’t paying much attention really.
Joseph: I still don’t even know who you are.
Chris: I’ll introduce myself one of these days.
Mary: What were you saying about Caesar?
Chris: Oh yeah, he’s gonna try and kill the kid. Or you guys. One of the two. Maybe both. Mary, I will never let anything happen to you. Joseph, you’re a fast runner, right?
Joseph: I can’t let this happen to my family.
Chris: Yeah Unky Joe, we gotta do something.
Joseph: This city isn’t safe anymore. We have to leave tonight.
Mary: I’m nine months pregnant; I can’t travel in this condition!
Chris: Yeah, Caesar was being kinda a dick for bringing this up now of all times. Maybe I shouldn’t have told all those people about you carrying the savior and all.
Joseph: You’ve done what?! You’ve jeopardized my family’s lives!
Chris: Now now, we could throw blame all day…(Points at Joseph). Joseph… But we’ve got more important business to take care of. I hear that Nazareth is quite nice this time of year.
Mary: It’s miles and miles away though.
Chris: But it’s so romantic…meow…
Joseph: Fine, we have no other choice. I’ll gather some things; can I trust you to get us some sort of transportation?
Chris: Me? Absolutely.
A Few Minutes Later…
Chris: Alright, transportation is here.
Joseph: These are donkeys.
Chris: Hey, horses and camels are expensive.
Joseph: Then why are you riding a Segway?
Chris: These are more expensive and I bought this first. Anyway, let’s get going!
Miles and Miles into the Desert…
Joseph: You do know where we’re going right?
Chris: What? No way, I figured you’d know. You’re the husband; I’m just the third wheel.
Mary: Hey, watch your language around the baby.
Joseph: He’s not even born yet!
Chris: Trust me, it’ll make him cry all the same.
Mary: Look! It’s Nazareth!
Chris: See, I told you I knew where I was going. (Points at Joseph). And you wanted to push her down a flight of stairs. Tisk tisk, for shame.
Joseph: I said no such thing!
Mary: AH! I think my water just broke!
Chris: Then away we go! (Hops onto Mary’s donkey). Hi ho silver! Away! (They take off).
Joseph: Hey! You bastard!
That Night in Nazareth…
Joseph: (Knocking on door after door). Please, my wife is in labor and the two of us need a place to stay.
Chris: What about me?
Joseph: The two of us need a place to stay.
Man: Look buddy, I haven’t got any rooms and I don’t care.
Chris: She’s carrying God’s child though!
Man: Tell that to someone who cares.
Joseph: Alright then. Sorry to have bothered you Mr. Kennedy.
Chris: I’m telling you, terrible things will happen to your family! (Door slams). Yeah, he heard me.
Joseph: Well, we’ve only got one house left.
Chris: Ooh, my turn! (Knocks on the door). Hey! We need a place to stay!
Inn Keeper: I’m terribly sorry, my inn is full. It is after all Christmas, so I’m booked solid.
Chris: But she’s pregnant and giving birth to the savior of the human race.
Inn Keeper: Sorry, I just don’t have the space.
Chris: I’ll tell you what…this kid’s gonna have a rough future…how about I sell you the filming rights…?
Inn Keeper: Done and done.
Chris: Thanks Mel.
Inn Keeper: Don’t mention it. All I’ve got though is a manger.
Chris: A what?
Inn Keeper: A manger. It’s kinda like a stable, except not.
Chris: That just sounds stupid.
Inn Keeper: Yeah I hate the Jews as well.
Inn Keeper: This way everyone.
Mary: Oh dang! Here it comes!
Joseph: The baby? We have to hurry!
Chris: Everyone, to the stable…thing!
A Few Minutes Later…
Joseph: Push! Push!
Chris: I don’t know what I’m seeing…and I’m not sure that I like it.
Wise Man 1: Hey, are we in the right place?
Chris: Birthing of the savior?
Wise Man 2: I told you I knew where we were!
Wise Man 1: Yeah, like one wise man is gonna take the advice of another wise man!
Wise Man 3: Donkeys! Hahaha! (Claps his hands and dances).
Wise Man 1: Seriously, why did you have to bring your cousin along?
Wise Man 2: Just shut up and watch the birth.
Wise Man 3: Hi pretty lady! (Looks over, sees what’s happen and immediately starts crying from confusion).
Shepherd: Hi, I came for the savior?
Chris: No homeless!
Shepherd: I’m pretty sure I heard that he would be welcoming all, especially the meek and the helpless.
Chris: Really? I heard otherwise.
Shepherd: From who?
Chris: The Catholics. Aw what the hell, welcome aboard.
Angel: Oh good, you’re all here already. I guess my work here is done.
Chris: You didn’t do anything!
Angel: Didn’t I though? (Thinks). Oh yeah, I forgot the star. (Pling). There, I shall dub you…the Eclipse Star.
Chris: Already taken.
Angel: Then it’s just the North Star, or whatever.
(An explosion of light and the baby is born).
Joseph: He’s beautiful.
Chris: Hey Jesus.
Jesus: Hey Chris.
Joseph: Do you have a name picked out yet Mary?
Angel: Um, God demanded that he be named Jesus.
Joseph: Where the hell has he been for the past nine months then?
Angel: Um…doin’…ssstuff. (Shifty eyes). Gotta go. (Gone).
Jesus: I do like the name Jesus.
Joseph: You be quiet. You’re only thirty seconds old, I don’t need backtalk.
Jesus: Oh, sorry dad.
Joseph: Aw, (Tears well up), he called me dad!
Jesus: Yeah, I’m pretty great.
Chris: So Mary…now that this is all over and all…
Jesus: Chris, please tell me that you’re not hitting on my mom.
Chris: What? Dude, no. No way did I do that or would I ever. Too bad she’s into me…
Chris: She totally is.
Mary: I’m not.
Chris: You toyed with my emotions and that’s not fair.
Jesus: Hey Chris, do you think you could give me and my family a bit of time alone for now? Please? I mean, I was just born and all.
Chris: Yeah, no sweat it. Give me a call, alright?
Chris: Yeah don’t overuse that word. Come wise men and shepherd, let us take our leave. Jesus, we’ll do lunch sometime, alright?
Jesus: Sure sure, I’m naked here.
Chris: Off to my next adventure!
And that is the story of the Nativity. At least that’s how I remember it. Pretty sure I didn’t embellish any parts or anything. Completely true. Totally.
Merry Christmas Jesus!
*Author’s note: This begins a new concept I had when writing. I found that some of my best work involved satire of the Bible, so in taking classic stories and inserting myself I found it complimentary to my style of writing. Naturally, things became far sillier as a result. Any sort of logic is completely gone at this point as fantasy prevails over any possible fact. But fun is still had, and thus, enjoy.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, the sky, the plants, the oceans, the creatures, and finally man, among other things, such as mayonnaise and sock puppets. Anyway, I’m diverting from what the point of this story is. When God created man, he named him Adam and soon after God created woman from one of Adam’s ribs, (a foreshadow that women would always be a pain in men’s sides), and named her Eve. God placed both Adam and Eve in a wonderful location known as the Garden of Eden and from there our story begins, because at this same time I just happened to be in town…
Chris: You must be the new guy. What’s your name, skinny?
Adam: Well, God has named me Adam, although I’ve always liked the name Squiggy personally.
Chris: Hmm, that’s a shame. *Notices Eve* Sweet God in Heaven…
God: You called Chris?
Chris: More or less. Who’s this interesting and naked specimen?
God: That is what I call a woman. I have named her Eve.
Chris: Well hello Eve.
Eve: Um…I have to go over here now… *walks about three feet and looks away*
Chris: So God, I have noticed that you decided to make men and women and all, but yet no clothes. How come?
God: I spent 6 days creating all existence. Give me a break; they can walk around naked for a little while longer.
Chris: So what made you decide to create a guy other than myself? I thought we had a good thing goin’ here. Things were good, I was happy, now you’ve introduced this new element into my life called woman and another element called competition and I don’t know what to think.
God: Would you like some cheese with your whine? Ohoohoo! Bah-zing!
Chris: Touché God…
God: Now if you’ll excuse me I have to lay down the rules for Adam and Eve so that they know how things work here in the Garden of Eden. *Whistles* Adam! Eve! Come here for a sec!
Adam: What’s up God?
Eve: Yeah, what do you want?
God: I’ve created you two to live and maintain this garden of mine. You can do just about anything EXCEPT eat the fruit from that tree over there. *Points at a random tree off in the distance*
Adam: That tree over there?
God: No no, the one next to it. No touchy the fruit.
Adam: Just a little?
God: No, absolutely no touching, picking, eating, or offering of the fruit from that tree.
Eve: Can we have a taste of it before we’re not allowed to eat it first so that we know what it tastes like and we aren’t curious later?
God: Um, no. It’s kinda like a test to see if you’ll listen to me and not disobey my rules.
Chris: I will bet you all my comic books that they end up eating at least one fruit off of that tree.
God: I’d take that bet but I already know what happens. However, I could use your help.
Chris: Sure, what’s up?
God: Keep an eye on them, would you?
Chris: Sure, I’ll do what I can.
God: Great. Now if you’ll all excuse me I must be off to plan how to punish them as soon as you fail me at this task.
Chris: Jeez, thanks for the encouragement…
God: Jeez…I like that name. I should name my kid that.
Chris: Sure, you do that…
God: See ya guys, don’t eat the fruit! *leaves*
Chris: So guys, what should we do?
Adam: Um, I can’t think of anything.
Eve: Hey, I’ve got an idea. We could always eat the fruit from that one tree.
Chris: Boy, you don’t waste any time, do you?
Adam: But Eve, God told us not to eat the fruit.
Eve: Pff, you think that he has the right to tell me what to do? How sexist is that?
Chris: And thus the first feminist was born…
Eve: So boys, you up for some sinning?
Chris: Nah, not today, I do too much of that on a regular basis.
Adam: Hey! Let’s play hide and seek!
Eve: *sigh* Alright, we’ll play your game for now.
Adam: Hooray! *runs off to hide*
Chris: What do you see in that guy anyway?
Eve: Well, considering that he’s the only man on Earth, it could be worse.
Eve: Hah! You? A man? I seriously doubt that.
Chris: Ooh, ouch.
Eve: Sorry to be so brutally honest but…well I’ve gotta go find Adam. If I don’t go searching for him he’s gonna start getting cranky. *walks off in search of Adam*
Chris: Dang it, why do I have a feeling that this will become a trend?
Snake: *From over by the tree* Yo, mack, over here.
Chris: *Walks over to the tree* Who’re you?
Snake: Oh, just a friend who has noticed your predicament with women and wishes to help out in some little way.
Chris: Meh, she’s not really my type though.
Snake: Well, you have two choices at this point: Eve, or Adam. Take your pick.
Chris: Good point…
Adam: *Coming over* Hey Chris, who’s this guy?
Chris: Just some jerk who thinks he can improve my chances with Eve.
Adam: *Gets an untrusting look on his face* What? But Eve’s my girl!
Snake: Are you sure about that leaf boy?
Adam: Yeah, pretty sure…why?
Snake: Oh no reason, I just know a way to score with her, that’s all.
Chris: Hah, you haven’t got a clue.
Snake: Just give her a piece of the forbidden fruit. It’s nature’s original aphrodisiac.
Chris: It means it’ll put her in the mood to do the bad dance on the good foot. Or was that the good dance on the bad foot…? Regardless, you give her that and you’re gonna get laid. Adam…? Adam!
Adam: *Running off to find Eve while carrying a piece of fruit* Sorry, you know how it goes!
Chris: Ah darn. So much for winning her heart like in the movies… *grabs a piece of fruit and runs after Adam*
Eve: There you are Adam! Hey…what’s that?
Adam: *Out of breath* Its…a piece…of forbidden fruit. I figured that you’d like it. *Hands Eve the fruit*
Eve: Oh Adam! It’s wonderful! *Eats the fruit*
God: *Appears out of nowhere* Heeeeeeeey…what’s all this then?!
Chris: *Looks down at the fruit in his hand and tosses it away* Um, they totally disobeyed you and ate the fruit. I was minding my own business and building chapels and such and I tried to warn them but you know how it goes sometimes.
God: I thought I told you to keep them from eating the fruit!
Chris: But you also said that I’d fail, so I couldn’t very well go against your divine foresight, could I?
God: Darn, you’ve got me there. Okay, Adam, Eve, you screwed up, time for your punishment.
Eve: But we hardly did anything!
God: You ate the forbidden fruit and are now gonna get funky as soon as I kick you out of the garden and then you’ll populate the planet.
Chris: So that’s how it’ll happen.
Eve: Now that you mention it I am getting kinda flustered…
Adam: *Starts dancing around* I’m gonna get some! I’m gonna get some!
Chris: This is a really half-assed ending if you ask me.
God: Well luckily no one asked you. Now you two, BE GONE!!! KABOOM! *Adam and Eve are sent from the Garden of Eden…FOREVER!*
Both: You haven’t heard the last of us~ *screaming as they are both sent flying out of the garden*
Chris: I guess I’ll be on my way now God… *tip-toes away*
God: Oh ho no, I’m not done with you just yet. *hands him a shovel* You know what to do…
Chris: Heh, yes I do… *walks over to the snake*
Snake: Dude, what’re you gonna do with that shovel…?
God: Sorry Satan, but although you might have convinced my first two humans to sin, I doubt that you’ll be able to pull it off again. In the meantime, enjoy the life of a snake! HAH!
Snake: *As he’s getting beaten with the shovel* Arg, you definitely haven’t heard the last of me! *disappears in a puff of smoke*
God: And that’s that.
Chris: So what’s next on the agenda God?
God: For now, not much. Cain’s gonna kill Abel, or vice versa, I forget, but basically nothing interesting happens for a few hundred years.
Chris: Okay, I’ll be back when it gets good I suppose.
And that’s how I met Adam and Eve. Hopefully my next Biblical Adventure will be more exciting, but hey, something’s bound to happen, right? Hey…did it just start raining…?
The other day I found myself hanging out with Jesus in my room yet again. At this time it occurred to me that I never asked him his opinions on a very tricky subject, namely sex. This seemed as good a time as any so I asked him straight out.
Chris: Hey Jesus, where do babies come from?
Chris: Well? Aren’t you going to tell me?
Jesus: I’m not sure you’re old enough for me to explain this to you.
Chris: I’m 21; that’s plenty old.
Jesus: I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure you have to be at least 42 before you’re allowed to even hear how sex works.
Chris: I seriously doubt it. Stop stalling and spill the beans.
Jesus: Ug, and so it begins…
Chris: Just tell me how it all happens.
Jesus: *sigh* Alright. You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, they decide that it’s time to take the next step in their relationship.
Jesus: No, dating. Sex won’t come until much later in this explanation.
Chris: So what’s allowed on these dates?
Jesus: Holding hands.
Chris: And talking?
Jesus: No, they’re not even allowed to look at each other until they’re married, so talking can be difficult.
Chris: How are they supposed to communicate?
Jesus: Mostly by squeezing hands. You shouldn’t date until you have a firm understanding of Morse Code.
Chris: And if you don’t?
Jesus: Then you’re not ready to date. After about…10 years of dating-
Jesus: Yes 10 at the very least.
Chris: Why 10?
Jesus: How will you be sure that you really know this person until you’ve dated them for 10 years?
Chris: I haven’t got an answer to that.
Jesus: No you don’t. Anyway, after 10 years of dating they decide that marriage is the way to go. I suggest having the wedding in a church so that I can watch over it very closely to make sure they don’t talk to each other until after they’re pronounced husband and wife.
Chris: And then comes the sex?
Jesus: No, then comes a second wedding, and possibly a third.
Chris: You mean they’ve gotta divorce and then remarry?
Jesus: No, they just need to make sure that the first marriage took. The second wedding is a back up in case the other one was just a fluke.
Chris: So now that they’ve dated for 10 years and gone through at least 2 weddings, now they’re ready for sex?
Jesus: Yes, after they get their sex license.
Chris: Sex license?
Jesus: Yes sex license. They’re gonna have to get a sex license from the government before they can actually do it and the government doesn’t give out sex licenses until you hit 42.
Chris: And after that?
Jesus: Then comes sex.
Chris: Anything special that I should know about wedding-night protocol?
Jesus: When engaging in the act, always have a Bible to recite from so that what you’re doing doesn’t pollute your mind.
Chris: Wouldn’t you start associating the Bible with sex though?
Jesus: Only if you’re a sick, sick person. Any more questions?
Chris: Yeah, how does sex work?
Chris: That good eh?
Jesus: You’re asking a 2000-year-old virgin here, what do I know about sex?
Chris: You’ve got a point there.
Jesus: You already know about sex. Why are you asking me anyway?
Chris: I was curious to see your stance on sex.
Jesus: If you can go your whole life without it then more power to ya.
Chris: And if you can’t?
Jesus: Then you’re human.
Chris: So what would you think if I engaged in the act of sex?
Jesus: That’s a pretty big “if” right there.
Chris: Ha ha, just answer the darn question.
Jesus: Okay, if you somehow found a way to engage in the act of sex I would first off ask myself “how?” and then “why?”
Chris: How and why what?
Jesus: “How did you convince someone to sleep with you?” and “Why would they do it?”
Chris: You have no confidence in my ability to find a woman, do you?
Jesus: Of course I do, but as of now, why would anyone except Thomas want to sleep with you?
Chris: You do have a point there…
Jesus: This whole conversation is rather absurd anyway. Why don’t we talk about something you understand better, like snack foods.
Chris: I just wanted to know your stance on the matter, that’s all.
Jesus: The bottom line is, don’t do anything until you’ve found that true love. That answer your question?
Chris: Yes finally. Okay, Pringles; Sinful or heavenly?
Jesus: Definitely sinful. Stackable snacks sound like the work of the devil.
Chris: And pretzels?
Jesus: God’s snack of choice. Low in fat, high in salt and a whole lot of twisted craziness. He says it’s his favorite creation.
Chris: I thought man was.
Jesus: Nah, it goes pretzels, women, dolphins, eggplant, Shrinky-dinks, the platypus, and then man.
Chris: Hmm, makes sense to me. I’d definitely put Shrinky-dinks way up there too.
Jesus: Now if you’re done talking nonsense I believe it’s time for Seinfeld.
Chris: Indeed it is.
* * * * *
And with that Jesus inadvertently explained his position on sex, which he later told me was plain old missionary position.
*Author’s note: Things started to get back to form as my opinions became increasingly less afraid of critique. By this point in the writings, I wasn’t shying away from having Jesus make sweeping statements regarding actual matters of faith that some people could disagree with. Still, everything is supposed to be in good fun and should only be considered a means for conversation and to provoke thought from the reader. But still, enjoy.
A Very Merry Jesus Conversation
Hello to one and all! It has been a long month, but of course there is still more month to go. We all know what tomorrow is, right? It is Christmas. And what is Christmas anymore? It began as a Christian holiday to celebrate the birth of our savior named Jesus H. Christ but has slowly become a day of Santa and Prozac. Since I hadn’t really gotten into the Christmas spirit this year, I figured I might as well go back to the source, so I paid my buddy Jesus a visit…
Chris: Merry friggin’ Christmas Jesus!
Jesus: Haha, well if it isn’t my old friend Chris. Haven’t seen you in a while.
Chris: Yeah…it’s been a bad few months.
Jesus: Hah, you think you’ve had a bad few months? You have any idea what’s been going on in the world? How about a few hurricanes, some world hunger, global conflict, the list goes on.
Chris: Well…at least it’s Christmas!
Jesus: Ah, and you thought of me?
Chris: Yes. I hear tales that you were in some way connected to this freakishly skewed holiday at one point or another.
Jesus: As amazing as this may sound, I was actually born on Christmas during biblical times.
Chris: What a coincidence.
Jesus: Yeah, who would have thunk it?
Chris: Why don’t you tell me a little bit about your birth? I’ve heard the story from so many different people but I’d love to hear it from you firsthand.
Jesus: You are probably the first person to ask me that. Okay Chris, I will. It all started back during the time of the Bible.
Chris: Old or New Testament?
Jesus: The good one.
Chris: Ah, so we’re in the New Testament then.
Jesus: Anyway, so a while back my mother, Mary, you know her, kinda short, always baking cookies and such…
Chris: Good sugar cookies. Ginger snaps need some work but good sugar cookies.
Jesus: So my mom is visited by an angel who proclaims to her that she will bear a child who is to be the savior of Earth and Heaven alike.
Chris: Ooh, the messiah!
Jesus: Naturally, she questions this and says that she is still a virgin and could not possibly be pregnant.
Chris: And so the plot thickens.
Jesus: Much like her uterine lining due to the pregnancy. So she accepts this wonderful news and tells her husband Joseph.
Chris: Oh man, how’d he take it?
Jesus: You know, he took it really well. He was confused and realized that he probably wouldn’t ever get sex but he was cool with it. Really nice guy.
Chris: So what’d he do next?
Jesus: Naturally he told all his buddies and they all celebrated by getting absolutely hammered.
Chris: Your mom, too?
Jesus: Yeah. They didn’t quite know that drinking was bad during pregnancy back in those days.
Chris: Perhaps it is why you have all these special powers now.
Jesus: Or maybe because I’m the son of God, but moving on… Nine months pass and for one reason or another Joseph decides that it’d be wise for the two of them to skip town.
Chris: That was because the king at the time wanted you dead, right?
Jesus: Yes, this just goes to show you that life probably does indeed begin at conception.
Chris: Careful, you might offend some people with talk like that.
Jesus: Nuts to them, life begins at conception, deal with it.
Chris: So the king’s having abortion issues…
Jesus: So the king’s trying to hunt us down and stop anything from seriously messing with his life and Joseph is absolutely broke. However, he comes across an inn and it just so happens that the innkeeper will let them stay in his barn, which he so aptly called “a manger.”
Chris: What the heck is the difference between a barn and a manger anyways?
Jesus: Webster’s Dictionary defines a “Manger” as “A Box or trough from which horses or cattle eat,” while a “Barn” is defined as “A unit of nuclear cross section, equal to 10 to the negative 24th power square centimeter”, er, I mean “A large building, as on a farm, for storing hay, grain, etc., and often for housing livestock.”
Chris: That sucks. So you guys basically had to sleep in a horse stable?
Jesus: Well technically I was still sleeping in my mom’s womb, but yeah, we slept in the horse stable.
Chris: What happens next?
Jesus: Wouldn’t you know it but fate had a funny sense of humor and my mom went into labor that very night.
Chris: Ouch, poor planning.
Jesus: You’re telling me. As the opening of my mother’s birthing orifice widened and my head burst forth, a glowing light shot out across the town and the world knew that I was born and kicked severe keester.
Chris: Get to the wise men. When did they show up?
Jesus: They showed up not long after I was born. It was really creepy, too. I mean, I was just born, not five minutes of some alone time and already three dudes show up and claim that they’re wise men who come bearing gifts.
Chris: Anything good?
Jesus: Well I got some Frankincense and some Myrrh. One guy brought us a tasteless T-shirt that said “It’s my party and I’ll crucify if I want to,” but we returned it for some gold instead.
Chris: And the shepherds?
Jesus: We were nice enough to let ‘em stay for a bit but I mean c’mon, we’re already in a manger; we didn’t need them bringing any more cattle around a newborn baby than there already was. Besides, they were the nasty cattle of the old days that had all sorts of diseases and the like. It’s a miracle I was able to stay alive long enough to be crucified.
Chris: Did the king ever find you?
Jesus: The story kinda trails off from there. You know, sure, why not, the king did find me but he turned out to be a nice enough guy and we because buddies. He was even nice enough to baby-sit me a few times, but I was a really good child, so it wasn’t asking much.
Chris: Wow, what a magical story. And what do you think about the Christmas of today’s world?
Jesus: It’s a touchy subject. It is probably the single meanest part of the year for people and filled with the rawest hatred. Take for example this recent even: A school in the Pacific Northwest does something every year called “The Giving Tree” in which little cards are hung from a tree that have gift ideas for less fortunate children and people would take a card and go buy the gift for the child and thus make their lives a little better. But one woman wouldn’t stand for it, not one bit. She believed that it represented Christianity too much and that it shouldn’t be allowed in a school and her opinion was followed, so it was changed to “The Giving Counter.” What a bitch.
Jesus: That’s right, I said it. What a bitch. People like that don’t deserve a time such as this, but we keep givin’ it to ‘em and I keep forgiving of them their sins just because I’m that freaking nice of a guy.
Chris: And you don’t even get anything in return for it, do you?
Jesus: I get a good deal of souls. They aren’t worth much, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Chris: Sadly I must be going. I just wanted to stop by and say happy birthday.
Jesus: That’s sweet. No gift?
Chris: …Um…my undying love..?
Jesus: J. C. Penney doesn’t return that for store credit. *sigh* Fine, I’ll except it this year, but if you just give me the same thing next year don’t expect me to send you a Christmas card in the mail. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got many children to make happy. (Dons a red hat and a red suit.)
Chris: Don’t tell me that you’re really Santa Claus?
Jesus: That jerk? Nah, he’s got a wicked hangover and I just care enough about kids to do him a favor. And away I go~!
And with that Jesus disappeared into the night sky, not to return again until he was summoned once more, which wouldn’t be until Sunday mass. And to all a good night. Amen.
*Author’s note: More time passed between writing the Jesus Conversations and eventually the order starts to fall apart from lack of memory and inclusion of events happening in my life. At some point I wrote a very short Jesus Conversation as read here, but they would soon become larger again. Until then, enjoy.
Chris: So I’ve stumbled upon the secrets of the universe.
Jesus: (Reading a newspaper while eating waffles). Oh that’s nice.
Chris: No no, for reals this time.
Jesus: For rizzif?
Chris: For rizzle fo shizzle even.
Jesus: Well that’s pretty “dope,” or whatever you kids say nowadays.
Chris: (Waiting briefly). So then?
Jesus: (Bit confused). So what?
Chris: Don’t you wanna know the secrets of the universe?
Jesus: Um…I’m kinda Jesus H. Christ; I sorta already know those.
Chris: Sure sure, but don’t you want to hear my take on them?
Jesus: Not particularly. Should I?
Chris: Uh, yeah, because it’s airproof. What’re your theories gonna consist of? Mustard seeds? Yeah, hah, like that’s gonna go over well.
Jesus: Hey don’t underestimate the usefulness of the mustard seed. Let me tell you a story-
Chris: Does it involve mustard seeds?
Jesus: Ye-no, no it doesn’t. It involves a man who had far too much wealth for one lifetime to enjoy.
Chris: How’d he acquire so much wealth?
Jesus: He…well he was a good businessman. Very charismatic, very ruthless.
Chris: Good golfer?
Jesus: Decent. Anyway, for years and years all he did was accumulate wealth and then you know what happened at the end of his life? (Chris shrugs). N…no, you’ve gotta guess.
Chris: He died?
Jesus: Well yeah, but beyond that, do you know what happened?
Chris: I have no clue. I assume he went to Heaven, maybe?
Jesus: No, the point is he couldn’t take all the wealth with him. His immeasurable riches remained on Earth unspent because he didn’t have a family or friends or anything of the sort.
Chris: What the hell sort of business was he in?
Jesus: Mustard seeds.
Jesus: Not important. Didn’t you get the importance of the moral?
Chris: Mustard seeds bad?
Jesus: No, mustard seeds are good. (Thinks to himself). But only if you use them for noble intentions. (Thinks some more). And don’t plant them in rocks or sand. That’d just be foolish. (Looks back to Chris). Are you getting any of this?
Chris: (Dumbfounded). Um, yes. So anyway, my theory of the secrets of the universe…
Jesus: Combo of the Big Bang and Evolution.
Jesus: Oh I’m sorry, you had something different, right?
Jesus: Well then what was it?
Chris: Mustard seeds?
Jesus: Good answer! I like it! (Goes back to eating waffles and reading his newspaper).