The Folks

April 30, 2009 at 5:31 am (Random Writings) (, )

The Folks is a one act I wrote around the same time as The Weekenders, though with a much different theme.  I figured, what if I wrote a sticom about the elderly instead of teenagers?  Well, the result was The Folks, best thought of as a pilot for a sitcom that will never be.  Enjoy!


The Folks

By Chris Pranger




Jack:  Jack is very laid back and content with his life all around.  Nothing bothers him and constantly finds himself calming the other guys down or solving their problems.  He’s also most likely to be leading the pranks.


Jerry:  Jerry is paranoid that everything is out to kill him and that he is going to die sooner than later.  Absolutely everything: his health, the government, and everyone else in the world.  Still, he loves his wife, Dolores, and his best friend, Jack.


Chuck:  Chuck is a war hero and he makes sure that everyone knows it.  Exactly what war is unsure of, along with what he did while in that war, but he still goes on and on about it.  He’s constantly complaining about the younger generation and thinks they should all enlist to get some backbone.  Only Jack can calm him down.  Oh, and he has a mustache.


Barbara:  Young at heart and attractive by elderly standards.  Loves antiques and works at a shop selling them.  Chuck has a crush on her but can’t seem to calm down enough to tell her this.  Regardless, she puts up with the three when they come in to chat.


Dolores:  Jerry’s wife.  She doesn’t much like going out with the three on their outings so she’s content just staying home and recording soap operas and premium channel movies.  She has a library of hundreds of recorded on VHS tapes.


Act 1: Scene 1:


Setting:  Drug store pharmacy counter.  Two elderly gentlemen, (Jerry and Chuck), are sitting in the corner on chairs provided while a third, (Jack), walks up to the counter.  The place is packed with teenagers skipping school.


Teen 1:  Hey guys, check out the geezers over there.  (Motions towards Jerry and Chuck).  Probably here for heartburn medication or something.


Teen 2:  Yeah, or for some laxatives.


Chuck:  (Quietly to Jerry).  He won’t do it, he’s gonna chicken out.


Jerry:  (Quietly back).  Nah, he’ll do it alright.


Jack:  (Walks up to the counter to speak with the pharmacist.  He begins talking rather loudly).  Excuse me, miss?!


Pharmacist:  Hello sir, how can I help you?


Jack:  Yes, I need to buy a package of condoms right away!


Pharmacist:  (Slightly taken aback).  Oh.  Alright then.  Any particular brand sir?


Jack:  What?  Brand?!  No dang it, these aren’t for me; they’re for all these younguns hanging around here!  All of them having their underage, unprotected sex and such!


Pharmacist:  (Blushing slightly).  Okay then, will Trojan brand be alright with you then?


Jack:  Trojan brand?!  Gosh darn it, we didn’t care about brands when I was a teenager!  We didn’t even have sex back when I was a kid!  All we had was the stork and that’s the way we liked it dang nabbit!


Pharmacist:  (Now very flustered.  Hands Jack a box of condoms).  Here you are sir, have a pleasant day I guess…


Jack:  (Takes the box and viciously tears it open and turns around).  You kids and all your sex!  You’re ruining this world, you know that?!


Teen 1:  Um, I’m not doing-


Jack:  Shut yer yap you hoodlum!  (Takes a condom out of the box and forcefully gives it to the kid).  Here!  Maybe this will keep you from damaging the future!  We don’t need more kids like you!  (Turns to the teen’s friend).  Or you either for that matter!  (Forcefully gives him a condom, too).  Every last one of ya!  (Walks down the line and forcefully gives condoms to teenagers).  One for you and you and you especially!  And that goes for you at the counter too, missy!  (Turns towards Jerry and Chuck.  Both are holding their sides laughing.  Jack finally breaks character and busts up laughing as well as he walks over to them).  So guys, how’d I do?


Jerry:  Bonus points for using the term “dang nabbit”.  (The three howl with laugher.  No one else in the store has any idea what’s going on at this point.  Roll opening credits).


Act 1: Scene 2:


Setting:  Station wagon.  Jack is driving; Jerry is in the passenger’s seat.  Chuck is in the back.  The three are still laughing themselves silly.


Jerry:  Hey Jack, did you get a good look at the pharmacist’s face when you started yelling at the kids?!  It was priceless!


Chuck:  That was nothing compared to how red she got when you threw a rubber over the counter at her!  I can’t believe you did that!


Jack:  Hey, you guys double dared me, how could I say no to such a wager?


Jerry:  (Rubbing tears from his eyes).  Hehehe, alright then Jack, what’s up next?


Jack:  First, we get some grub.  Then, I say we head on over to the usual hang out spot.


Jerry:  You don’t mean…?


Jack:  Where else?  The antique shop is the finest place to pass the time.  Well, other than the park of course.


Chuck:  The…antique shop, you say?


Jack:  Yep.


Chuck:  You think that…um…


Jack:  (Smiles).  Yeah, Barb will probably be there.


Jerry:  (Also smiles).  Heh.


Chuck:  (Nervously begins cleaning his shirt off).  What?  I can’t go see her like this!  My mustache is all unkempt and my hair’s all over the place and this is an awful shirt.  Nope, today is not the right day to say hello.


Jack:  Every day is a good day to say hello.


Chuck:  Well then we’ll just have to make a stop in at the house; it’ll give me time to get myself clean and think of something to say.


Jerry:  Aw, but it’s already past 10!  The day’s half over!


Jack:  Jerry’s right; there’s no time to preen yourself, you’ll just have to be yourself.


Chuck:  But I hate myself!


Jack:  You’ll have some time to think of things to say while we go and grab some food.  Which brings us to the next order of business; where are we eating?


Jerry:  Oh I hate this part.  I can never decide.


Jack:  They’re all so good.


Jerry:  No!  Everywhere has something wrong with it!


Jack:  Okay, McDonalds?


Jerry:  Too greasy!  I’ll clog an artery and die right here in your wagon!


Jack:  Alright, how about the Mongolian Grill?


Jerry:  What?!  Too spicy!  I’ll give myself an ulcer for sure!


Jack:  China Moon?


Jerry:  That one waiter always spits in my food, I just know it!


Jack:  You think everyone spits in your food though.


Jerry:  Well that’s because they do!


Jack:  So it looks like we’ll have to go somewhere that you can’t taste the difference: McDonalds it is then.


Jerry:  (Sighs and slumps back down in his chair).  Fine, but I’m getting a salad.


Act 1: Scene 3:


Setting:  McDonalds, (or restaurant along those lines).  The three are standing in line in the dinning room, waiting to order.


Chuck:  (Tapping his feet impatiently).  Come on already Jack, make up your mind.


Jack:  But everything sounds so good.


Jerry:  Please hurry up, my heart is thinking about causing a stroke at any time from just being in here.


Jack:  Oh calm down.  Strokes aren’t caused by arteries anyway.


Jerry:  Oh yes they are!  I’ve read up on the matter.  Strokes are caused when blockage in the arteries or hemorrhaging takes place, preventing oxygen from finding its way to the brain and causing severe damage to the brain and other parts of your nervous system.


Jack:  Maybe a shock to your nervous system would relax you a bit?


Jerry:  (Gets angrily flustered while Jack smiles to himself).  Bah, what?!  Oh you think that you’re, so funny, don’t you?


Jack:  Well it’s because I am.  Or at least funnier than Chuck over here.


Chuck:  You don’t think I’m funny, huh?  Oh I’ll show you just how funny I can be.


Scrawny Dork:  (Talking to Chuck).  Welcome to McDonald’s sir, what can I get for you today?


Chuck:  (Looks over the menu).  I don’t see anything about a senior citizen’s discount anywhere.


Jack:  Oh I love this routine…


Scrawny Dork:  I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have a senior citizen’s discount offered at this location.


Chuck:  (Goes ballistic).  What?!  No senior discount?!  But I worked hard to get this old!


Scrawny Dork:  I’m sorry sir; we do have a terrific value menu though.


Chuck:  Well do you have some sort of discount for veterans?


Scrawny Dork:  Huh?


Chuck:  You know, for veterans.  For war heroes and so forth?


Scrawny Dork:  I’m sorry sir; we don’t offer any special discounts for veterans either.


Chuck:  WHAT?!  I risked my life in the war so that dorks like you could be free to have disfiguring acne and the luxuries of this nation and this is the respect I’m given?!


Scrawny Dork:  Believe me sir, I mean you no disrespect.


Chuck:  No disrespect?!  I hardly think so!


Jack:  Hey Chuck, which war did you fight in?


Chuck:  The big one!


Jack:  World War II?


Chuck:  Around there.


Jack:  Vietnam?


Chuck:  Around there, too!  (Turns back towards the scrawny dork).  I’m old and I demand free stuff!


Scrawny Dork:  Um…I’ll go ask my manager what we can do for you…  (Hurriedly turns around and runs off in search of his manager).


Chuck:  (Turns back around towards Jack and Jerry, who are both laughing).  Can you believe that kid?


Jack:  Hahaha, well Chuck, you certainly have shown that you are a funny guy.


Chuck:  What?  I was gonna do a ventriloquist act with my burger to prove it.


Jerry:  So that there…?


Chuck:  That was me pissed!  I’m a vet, I demand a little respect!  (Jack and Jerry begin laughing again).


Scrawny Dork:  (Comes back holding some coupons).  This is the best I could do sir.  (Hands Chuck the coupons).  Here are some coupons that should save you some money for this and future visits to our restaurants.


Chuck:  Well, it’ll have to do.  (Looks at the menu quickly).  I’ll have a number six.  And remember to enlist once you’re done filling this order.


Scrawny Dork:  Right away sir.  (Looks over to Jerry).  And what can I get you for today?


Jerry:  (Begins looking noticeably irritated and uncomfortable).  What can I get?  Hmm…what can I get?  Do you have lactose-free yogurt?


Scrawny Dork:  I’m not entirely sure.


Jerry:  Could you find out for me?


Scrawny Dork:  I’ll go grab the nutrition information guides.  (Walks towards the back again).


Jack:  Why do you need lactose-free yogurt?


Jerry:  I’m lactose intolerant!


Chuck:  You are not.


Jerry:  Yes I am!  I get gassy every time I have dairy products!


Jack:  Jerry, you’re old, you’re always gassy.  That’s one of the best perks to being old.  We can break wind any time that we want to.


Jerry:  Alright, then break wind right now!


Jack:  Well I don’t want to.


Scrawny Dork:  (Returns with the health guide).  Um, it doesn’t look like we have any lactose-free yogurt.


Jerry:  I’m not entirely in the mood for yogurt anymore anyway.  What sort of sugar-free options are open to me, as a diabetic?


Jack:  You’re not a diabetic!


Jerry:  Well I could get it at any time!  I have to be careful.


Jack:  You’re one of the lucky few who doesn’t have diabetes.


Chuck:  (Grunts and crosses his arms).


Jack:  Enjoy that freedom and live a little.


Jerry:  Diabetes is nothing to play around with.  It could strike at any time!


Jack:  You’ll probably die sooner than you contract diabetes at this point.


Jerry:  (Becomes incredibly flustered and aggravated).  BWAH?!  I could die at any time!  This is exactly why I have to be careful about what I eat!  (Turns towards the scrawny dork).  I will have a salad, not too much salad dressing, oh, can you check if that dressing is fat free?


Scrawny Dork:  (Looks at the info).  The salad dressing is 97% fat free.


Jerry:  Hmm, that’s just not good enough.  Better not risk it, no dressing on that salad.  And along with it I will have one ice water.


Scrawny Dork:  Okay, and for you sir?  (Turns towards Jack).


Jack:  Heh, I’ll have a Big Mac.


Scrawny Dork:  Would you like me to check the nutritional facts for that sir?


Jack:  What?  Heck no I don’t.  It’s two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, on a sesame seed bun!  That’s nutrition for ya! Keep all the grease and add some extra if you find it lying around.  And here, (Hands the kid a twenty), this is for putting up with some folks like us.


Scrawny Dork:  Sir, I can’t accept this, it’s company policy.


Jack:  Dang it, do you really want to get me started?  Go buy yourself a new haircut or something with it, meet a nice girl, settle down and make some grandchildren already.  (Grabs the kid and pulls him in close).  Hurry, there’s no time, you could wind up like us of all people; bitter, paranoid, senile…and hungry!


Scrawny Dork:  (Unsure as to how to respond).  So that was a number 6, a dry salad, an ice water and a Big Mac?


Jack:  Oh, hold the pickles.


Scrawny Dork:  Right.


Act 2: Scene 1:


Setting:  Antique store.  Naturally there are dozens of antiques everywhere.  The place is dead other than one woman browsing around in the back.  A woman, (Barb), is behind a center counter.  Jack, Jerry and Chuck walk in the front door.


Jack:  Hiya Barb!


Barb:  Well hey guys!  Come to hang out again or do you plan on actually buying something today?


Jack:  Well, being a collector of fine and rare antiquities as I am, I’m on a quest to find the very best you have to offer.  Anything new arrive today?


Barb:  As a matter of fact three ancient specimens just came in.


Jack:  I’ll have you know that we’re very young for our age.


Barb:  I’ll bet.  Hey Chuck, come in from the door already and be social for a change, eh?


Chuck:  (Nervously looks up and awkwardly walks over to the counter).  Oh, uh, hey Barb.  How…how are you doing, um, today?


Barb:  Ug, tired.  I don’t get nearly enough sleep.


Jack:  Well with the wave after wave of customers you see in here I’m sure you’ve hardly any time to even think.


Barb:  Tell me about it.  There actually are times when people rush the counter demanding all sorts of oddities and such.  We had a guy come in about an hour ago looking for a table with a glass top.  He kept asking for specific information about it, I blame that darn antique road show that’s on TV now.  Kept wanting to know the history about it.  It’s a table, it looks nice, you place things on it, end of history.


Chuck:  (Laughs suddenly and awkwardly).  Muhaha, good one Barb.


Barb:  Right…


Jack:  Well I guess we’ll just have a look around then.  Come on Jerry.


Jerry:  (Covering his face).  Come where?


Jack:  To look around and, (noticing that his hand is covering his face), oh for heaven’s sake what is it this time?


Jerry:  There is dust and allergens all over this store!  My allergies could flare and my throat could close up and then where would we be?!


Jack:  We’d be at the hospital, another of my favorite hang-out spots.


Barb:  Oh that’s right, sorry Jerry I completely forgot.  (Reaches under the counter and pulls out a dust/pollen mask and hands it to Jerry).  Here ya go.


Jerry:  (Quickly puts it on and breathes deeply).  Oh my, thanks Barb.  (Walks off with Jack into the store).


Jack:  And now we see if Chuck can actually talk without our assistance.  This should be fun to listen to.  (He and Jerry walk behind a cabinet and wait to listen).


Chuck:  (Smoothing his hair over).  So Barb, how’s life going?


Barb:  Well, as I said, just tiring.  I just can’t find the time to sleep anymore.


Jack:  (From behind the cabinet).  You could sleep with Chuck!  (Jerry grabs Jack’s mouth and silences him as they both begin laughing quietly).


Barb:  What?


Chuck:  (Nervous and flustered).  Um, I think he means that, um…


Barb:  Is there something bothering you Chuck?


Chuck:  Me?  (Finds his false courage).  Oh no, nothing troubles me anymore.  They teach you that in basic training.


Jack:  (Smacks himself).  Oh no, he’s leading with war talk…


Chuck:  I’ve learned how to actually grab a man by the throat and tear out his voice box.  (Acts this out on the woman passing by).  KIYA!


Woman:  Well I never!


Barb:  Chuck, don’t kill the few customers I have, please.  Is there something I can help you with ma’am?


Woman:  Yes actually, could you help me with something in the back.


Barb:  Sure.  (Walks out from behind the counter).  Chuck, this will only take a second.  (Walks off while talking with the woman.  Jack runs out from behind the counter quickly over to Chuck).


Jack:  No no no, you have to be smooth.  Women don’t want you to show them how to kill a man; they want to see that you can cry, that you have a sensitive side.  Anybody can walk in and tear out her customer’s throats, prove that you’re more than that.


Chuck:  I hardly think that just anyone can tear out a man’s throat; it takes years of training and-


Jack:  Shush.  Be more sensitive.  (Sees that Barb is coming back, so he runs and hides again).


Barb:  Sorry ‘bout that; looks like the woman needs some more time to decide.  What were we talking about?


Chuck:  Um, I was telling you about, um…the harsher sides of war.  Sometimes out there in the battlefield, even though there are soldiers all around, you just feel alone and need a hug…  (Attempts his hardest to cry or at least look like he’s crying).


Jack:  (Hangs his head is shame at this).  Oh Chuck, Chuck, Chuck…


Barb:  Is that so?


Chuck:  It’s rough sometimes.  (Motions for Barb to hug him while pretending to cry).


Barb:  Well then it’s a good thing you have friends as close as Jack and Jerry.


Chuck:  It’s true.  Where would I be without them?  (Continues pretending and still pleading for a hug).


Woman:  I think I’m ready now.  (Chuck grabs her and hugs her).  You, unhand me at once!  (Chuck looks up and realizes that he grabbed the woman).


Barb:  Chuck, I can see that you are indeed emotionally withdrawn but please leave my customers alone.


Chuck:  (Lets go of the woman quickly, backs away and clears his throat).  Herm herm, I’m terribly sorry miss.


Woman:  I’m sure you are!  First you attack me then you molest me!  Unheard of for a man your age!


Barb:  (Smiles at this).  Well, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to help her.  (Walks off with the woman.  Jack comically rushes Chuck and hugs him around the waist).


Jack:  I didn’t know you cared!


Chuck:  (Pushes Jack off).  Get, get off me!


Jack:  Okay, just be yourself, but if you find yourself talking about something boring, like the war…


Chuck:  The war is far from boring!  There is a rich history to the war!


Jack:  Right, war, woopie!  (Sarcastically waggles his thumbs in the air).  But for someone more sensitive, like Barb, just don’t talk about it for now.  Okay?


Chuck: I’ll try.  (Sees that Barb is coming back).  Gah, go, hide!  (Jack turns back and runs off to hide again).  So, did she find what she wanted this time?


Barb:  Nope, still can’t make up her mind I guess.  So, where were we?


Chuck:  Well, uh, you tell me…?


Barb:  I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that you were talking about the war.


Chuck:  (Unthinkingly begins talking about the war again with pride).  Oh right.  Well, the war was raging on for years and years and I grew from a soft little boy and into a ruggedly handsome man and…


Barb:  Uh-huh.


Chuck:  And uh…(Realizes that he’s stuck in war-zone).  I was wondering…if you’d, um, if you’d like to get dinner sometime.


Barb:  Dinner?  (Surprised by the offer but genuine).  Yeah that sounds like it could be fun.


Chuck:  Oh well that’s too bad really, sorry to have asked you and bothered you and…wait, yes?


Barb:  Yeah.  Gal’s gotta eat.


Chuck:  But, I’m so boring and have nothing worth saying that you’ll want to hear!


Barb:  You don’t have to talk, you can just listen.  I’ve got plenty to say.  Times have changed, women have opinions, too.


Chuck:  But, but…


Barb:  I know, it’s radical but it makes it easier on the men, not always having to think when it’s obviously not their strong point.


Chuck:  (Smiles finally).  So, when should we get together?


Barb:  Well, I usually eat dinner during the evening, so how about 6 pm?


Chuck:  Tonight?


Barb:  Sure, I’ve got time tonight.


Chuck:  Um, um…


Jack:  (Yells from behind the cabinet).  He’ll pick you up around 6!


Barb:  (Yells back).  Thanks Jack!  (Turns to Chuck).  You thank that friend of yours.


Woman:  Okay, this time I’m sure I want to blue one.


Barb:  I’ll go grab it.  (Starts to walk towards the back again).  Remember, tonight at 6, okay?


Chuck:  Okay!


Barb:  Okay.  (Walks off).


Chuck:  Hah!  Haha!  (Grabs the woman and dances her around).  She said yes!  She said yes!  Oh this is…(drops the woman with a thud).  This is terrible!


Jack:  (He and Jerry come out from hiding).  How so?


Chuck:  (The woman gets up seeming very confused and walks off towards the back of the store).  How so?  How am I going to be able to get through this thing without her hating me by the end?!


Jerry:  Calm down Chuck.


Chuck:  I am calm!


Jerry:  Think of your blood pressure!


Jack:  No, forget that, don’t worry about anything.


Chuck:  How can I not worry now?!


Jack:  We need to get you out of here.  (Patronizingly).  You wanna go feed some ducks?  (Chuck sheepishly nods).  Okay, let’s go feed some ducks.


Act 3: Scene 1:


Setting:  A duck pond that has no ducks, just geese.  There is a bench where the three are sitting and throwing bread to the geese.  There is a sign that says “Do Not Feed the Ducks”.


Jack:  (Casually tosses bread to the geese).  Do you feel any better Chuck?


Chuck:  A little, but not much.


Jack:  Jerry, how’re you doing over there?


Jerry:  (Jerry is off by himself being surrounded by a flock of geese.  He is madly waving his arms around).  Get back you disease-infested pillows!  Jack, help me!


Jack:  Ah, isn’t that cute?  They like him.


Jerry:  Jack?  (The birds close in).  Jack!


Jack:  Chuck, don’t look at it as a problem, just look at it as life.  Just relax about it.


Chuck:  How can I relax about it?  This may be my last chance to ever find someone.  I’m not exactly young you know.


Jack:  No you’re not.  None of us are.  And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t worry.  You’re going for broke, the only way to live a life to its fullest.


Chuck:  But there’s a good chance that she’ll resent me by the time the check comes.


Jack:  Well, you can’t think that way.  I forbid it.  If she didn’t like you at all she wouldn’t have agreed to this in the first place.


Chuck:  This is ridiculous.  In the war I was fierce, strong, unafraid.  Now look at me.


Jack:  Oh stop it with the war.  You were a mechanic and you know it.


Chuck:  A mechanic in the war!


Jack:  Heh, see, you are a funny guy.  You’ll be fine.


Park Authority:  (Walks up to the three.  He’s pretty young).  Afternoon gentlemen.


Jack:  Howdy.


Park Authority:  (Tips his hat).  How are you folks feeling today?


Chuck:  Terrified.


Jerry:  Ill.


Jack:  (Smiles big).  We’re doing fantastic!


Park Authority:  Sorry gents, park regulations are posted on the sign over there.


Jack:  (Takes a look over at the sign).  That’s fine.  As you can clearly see, these are geese, not ducks.  Easy mistake though.  Carry on.  (Tosses bread at the geese).


Park Authority:  Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to either cease feeding the birds or you’ll be forced to leave the park.


Jack:  How long have you been working here?


Park Authority:  About a week now, why?


Jack:  Son, I’ve been coming to this park before your testicles dropped.


Park Authority:  I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.


Jack:  Oh come on, we’re three old men who just want to find companionship within these lowly geese.  Can you not see it in your heart to allow us to stay?


Park Authority:  I’m sorry, but no.


Chuck:  (Jack nods over to him solemnly).  Son, did I ever tell you about how I was trained to reach under a man’s ribcage and pluck out his still-beating heart?


Park  Authority:  Um, no sir I don’t believe you have.


Chuck:  (Stands up and acts out the scene as it unfolds).  You see, the trick is to get up under the ribcage, then tear down, and take a bite while it’s still beating.

Park Authority:  (Gulps).  Is that so…?

Chuck:  (Gets a crazy look in his eye).  Yep.  Nothing tastes quite like freshly pumped blood.  (Begins to step towards the park ranger).

Park Authority:  (Nervously turns).  Carry on; you folks have a nice day.  (Tips his hat and hurriedly walks away).

Jack:  (Looks over at him and swaggers as he tosses more bread defiantly at the geese.  The three start laughing).  See Chuck, I think you’ll do fine tonight.

Act 3: Scene 2:

Setting:  Jerry’s living room.  He and Jack are sitting at a table playing checkers.  His wife, Dolores, is sitting on the couch watching television.

Jerry:  How you think his date’s going?

Jack:  Hmm…(Moves his checkers).  I’d wager it’s going rather well.

Jerry:  Where did he decide to take her?  (Moves his checkers, takes one of Jack’s pieces).

Jack:  They went to the Sizzler.  (Moves his pieces).

Jerry:  You think it’s going well?  (Moves his pieces and takes another of Jack’s).

Jack:  Sure, why wouldn’t it be?

Jerry:  Chuck’s crazy and not the best at conversation.  (Moves his pieces).  King me.

Jack:  Oh he’s fine.  Just leave him be.  He’ll do fine.

Jerry:  How do you figure?

Jack:  It’s all a matter of waiting for the right opportunity to present itself.  (Moves his last piece all around the board, taking all of Jerry’s pieces).  That’s game.

Jerry:  (Looks down confusedly at the board).  How do you keep doing that?

Jack:  You got any grub?

Jerry:  Honey?  Do we have any lasagna left?

Dolores:  Go look for yourself.

Jerry:  Well do you know if we have any or not?

Dolores:  If we have any then it’d be in the fridge next to the pumpkin pie.

Jerry:  Ooh, I forgot about the pie.

Jack:  Pie it is.

Jerry:  (The two stand up and begin walking to the kitchen).  I just don’t know about it all.

Jack:  About what?

Jerry:  Dating at our age.  It just isn’t natural.

Jack:  What?  You’re kidding me.  Why not?

Jerry:  We could die at any time; why does it matter if we’re single or not when we die?

Jack:  Never underestimate the importance of having someone there when you die.  I think you’re too spoiled with your wife to understand how lonely the world can really be.

Jerry:  Then you must never have been married.  (Opens the fridge to find that the pie is uncovered).  Ah, great, just great, someone neglected to recover the pie when they were done with it.  (Points at Dolores).  And I’d bet that someone was you.

Dolores:  Well of course it was me.  I’m the only other one who lives here; otherwise we have no-good pie-thieves breaking in randomly.

Jack:  I couldn’t have said that better myself.

Jerry:  But why’d you forget to cover the pie?  It keeps it fresh and safe to eat.

Jack:  It’s pumpkin pie, how dangerous could it be to begin with?

Dolores:  I’m sorry, I was hungry and while I was getting a slice Days of Our Lives came back from commercial.

Jerry:  But you record every episode!

Dolores:  Yes but it doesn’t have the same effect when you re-watch it.  It’s all about being caught off-guard in the moment.

Jerry:  Then why do you tape them in the first place?!

Dolores:  Because, you never know when you’ll doze off and miss critical pieces of information vital to the plot.  Also, I’m getting ready for when my memory fails me and I can re-enjoy all the episodes.

Jerry:  How will you remember to re-watch them when your memory fails you?

Dolores:  Oh that’s right; I forgot to tell you to remind me when the time comes.  (Turns back to the TV).  Oh, it’s back on!  Jerry, be a dear and bring me some of that pie, would you?

Jerry:  (Sighs and cuts a slice of pie for Dolores).  Alright hon.  (Doorbell rings).  Wonder who’s at the door?

Jack:  Could be the pie-thieves I’ve been hearing so much about.

Jerry:  (Walks towards the front door, giving Dolores her slice of pie along the way.  He opens the door.  Chuck is standing outside with a black eye, fuming).  Oh, it’s you.

Chuck:  Of course it’s me.  Who else would it be?

Jack:  Pie-thieves.

Jerry:  (Chuck storms in angrily).  Is your date with Barbara over already?

Chuck:  Yes it’s over already.  And hello Dolores.

Dolores:  (Waves him off).  Meh.

Jack:  How’d you get the black eye, Chuck?

Chuck:  Oh, this, Barb punched me.  How’d you like that, eh?  “It’ll be fine” he says…

Jack:  Calm down and just tell me what happened.

Chuck:  Okay.  So, we were at China Moon…(Scene of Chuck and Barb sitting at a table in a nice restaurant fades in, Chuck and the others are narrating the events as they happen silently).

Jack:  What happened to Sizzler?

Chuck:  Didn’t think it would wow her enough.  Anyway-

Jerry:  And Chinese food would?  (The characters at the table are getting impatient waiting for the story to begin).

Chuck:  She hadn’t been there before and she likes trying new things, now be quiet.  (Chuck and Barb begin talking casually, everything is exaggerated for the narration though).  Anyway, we’re sitting down to eat after an inexcusable wait time, and the bus boy walks up-

Jack:  (Waiter walks up).  They prefer to be called waiters.

Chuck:  Whatever, and we try and order.  (Chuck and Barb order food).  She gets some dainty female crap like a salad-

Jerry:  Hey!

Chuck:  And I ask to order some orange chicken.  Well the guy tells me that they’re all out of orange chicken and that he’s sorry.  (Waiter shakes his head and says he’s sorry, Chuck gets mad).  I ask him, “How can you be out of orange chicken?!”  (Chuck exaggeratingly asks this question to the waiter, using large hand gestures).  And this disrespectful whelp looks at me and says “I’m sorry sir, but we’ve ran out of the orange chicken sauce.”  (Waiter says this and bows).  I look the kid in the face and explain that I’m an army vet and everything-  (Chuck starts explaining this fact in all matter of ways, from getting up and saluting and marching around to pretending to tear a passer-by’s throat out, Barb is starting to laugh).

Jack:  Oh no, not the army thing again.

Chuck:  Absolutely!  I served my country valiantly during the war!

Jack:  Did it happen to be the Cold War?

Chuck:  At times the temperature reached far below freezing but I assure you the war was quite heated!  Anyway, (Chuck finishes “tearing” the woman’s throat out and sits back down in his chair), so the waiter then explains that ”There is nothing he can do and that he is terribly sorry and that he recommends the lemon chicken.”  (Waiter says this with large gestures as well.  At the end Chuck flips out and throws his napkin down).  I tell him that I risked my life so that I had the opportunity to choose between orange and lemon flavorings and that he was a Fascist and I demanded to see the manager at once.  (This scene plays out, the waiter bows apologetically and calls the manager over, who appears instantly).  I told the manager the situation and he claimed that he was in the war and that I didn’t know the half of it.  (Manager pretends to tear out the waiter’s throat to show how serious he is).  So then we begin arguing about the war like gentlemen would, (The two start trying to tear each other’s throats out and strangling each other), and Barb stands up and punches me in the eye!  (Barb stands up and clobbers Chuck in the eye, the frame freezes).

Jerry:  (Scene switches back to Jerry’s house).  She punched you?!

Chuck:  Yes!  Square in the eye!  (Points at his eye).

Jerry:  Well what did you do?  (Scene switches back to the Chinese restaurant, still frozen in time).  I’ve been through the war mind you, so what do you think I did?

Jack:  So you started crying?

Chuck:  (Chuck grabs his eye and sits down at the table, sobbing).  Of course I did!  I had been so nervous about the date and everything and then she ended up punching me, what could I do?

Jack:  Well then what happened?

Chuck:  Barb started laughing and patted my back and tried to make me feel better.  (Barb does this in the scene).

Jack:  So at this point you’re an emotional wreck?

Chuck:  Yes, at this point I still feel terrible and can’t stop blubbering.  (Chuck keeps looking up periodically from the table while crying and throws his hands up in the air as if to ask “why?!”).  Well Barb just laughs and looks at me and tells me that it was the most fun she’d had in years and told me to pick her up tomorrow night, except this time she’s picking the restaurant and then she kissed me on the cheek!  (Barb kneels down and pats Chuck’s hand, he looks up and stops crying and smiles as she kisses his cheek, stands up and waggles her finger at the “I’m picking the restaurant part,” then walks off).

Jack:  Well that’s great!  Why are you acting like it’s so terrible?

Chuck:  Well, I may have gotten myself banned from China Moon.  (Manager frantically shakes his head and points off camera, screaming at Chuck and sending him away.  The scene shifts back to Jerry’s house).

Jerry:  What?!  Great, now where are we going to eat on Tuesdays?

Jack:  I thought you hated that place?

Jerry:  I do Jack, but I’m a creature of habit.  If you mess up my eating schedule then my stomach won’t know what’s going on and I won’t sleep for weeks!

Jack:  You don’t sleep as it is.

Jerry:  I do, too!  It just takes a little while for me to get comfortable enough to sleep.

Jack:  Well, overall I’d say today was a good day.

Chuck:  How do you figure?

Jerry:  Yeah?

Jack:  Chuck got a second date, I managed to become a bit more senile, and you’re not dead yet.  (Points at Jerry).

Jerry:  (Becomes flustered and nervous).  Bwah, hah!  Well don’t jinx it!  The day isn’t over yet!  (Looks around nervously).

Chuck:  (Calms down a bit).  I guess you’re right Jack.

Jack:  Course I’m right.  I’m too old and wise not to be right at this point.  Now who’s hungry?

Chuck:  I’m starving!

Jerry:  I’m sure my blood sugar is getting low.

Jack:  Good, let’s go out and get something to eat.  (Thinks to himself).  I’m thinking Chinese?  (Chuck and Jerry both look at him angrily).  What?  (They begin pummeling him and laughing).  Bah!  I’m feeble, be gentle!  (Fade to credits roll).



1 Comment

  1. frabjousflamingo said,

    Someday you should pitch this.

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